A Despirate Plea For Attention

Greetings, Voracious Readers!

Some people have been asking me how the book's been doing lately, and I gotta say, pretty durned good for a tome that's had little to no formal promotion.

It certainly helps when some sweet readers actually take the time to provide some feedback.  For a writer that doesn't have the ability to hit the road on a Grateful Dead-style book tour, reviews and comments are indispensable.  Here are a few things people have said about the novel thus far:

Not Your Average "Cookie Cutter" Fantasy Novel

"Are you tired of reading the same old cookie cutter epic fantasy novels that are chalk full of those mundane 'fantasy ingredients'? Do you want to bite into a whole new fantasy tasty treat? Then this book is worth the read.

Mr. Pretty has created a very in depth world filled with a rich history and dozens of complex characters who never fall in to the basic 'good or evil' category. Pretty is not afraid to tell this tale from the POV of some very unlikable, even immoral characters. As the plot progresses new truths will be revealed that will challenge your impressions and assumptions about their ethics. Your opinion of these characters will constantly change as Pretty takes them on a journey of a lifetime.

A note of warning that this book is not for those of you who like the typically happy 'fantasy ending'...it is dark, gritty, and emotional. It is a risky move which I found pays off and serves the story as a whole."    

I'm glad this reviewer mentions the moral ambiguity of the characters since that was a major motivation to write the book in the first place.  I really don't believe that people are arbitrarily good or evil, I just think that self-motivation often has a major impact on the perception of human behavior.  And to take this concept even further, (and to borrow a trope from Dungeons & Dragons) a person's "alignment" is often dictated by how people regard this motivation.

For example, Adolph Hitler, justifiably regarded as history's greatest monster, was initially adored by the majority of his people.  Hell, he was even voted Time magazine's "Man of the Year" in 1938.  Initially, he was perceived as a strong leader who cast off his country's economic burdens, thumbed his nose at foreign pressures, and brought pride and prosperity back to his nation.  In fact, even after Germany became an aggressor state and started to openly persecute of some of it's most hallowed citizens, the lion's share of people still didn't regard the Nazis as completely evil.  And that's because people still believed in the motivation or were too frightened to speak out against the motivation.

I'm also quite thankful for the reviewer's honest thoughts about the ending.  Indeed, if people don't feel a tremendous sense of needless waste and loss by the end of the book, I've failed.  After all, if I'm going to make the bold claim that Brother's Keeper is influenced by Greek and Shakespearan tragedy, then I damned well better deliver the goods.  Despite all of the costly and painful personal casualties, I hope that most people realize that the world depicted in my novel is still a better place in the end.              

Oh, and I also dig the phrase "fantasy tasty treat".  Makes me think of an ice cream cone with sprinkles on top.

Here's another review:

Leaves You Wanting More 

"The novel, 'Brother's Keeper', is very much a character driven novel. The author, David Pretty, manages to adopt a yin yang approach when creating his cast. The good are not saintly, the villains are not demonic. They all feel very real and very flawed, just like you and I. 

Although 'Brother's Keeper' is by definition, a fantasy novel, I found it to be very well grounded. There was nothing jarring or out of place that would remove you from the moment. Everything was very believable. The settings seemed fertile, warm and beautiful or windswept, cold and harsh by turn. 

The author takes no pity on any of his characters whether it is by placing them in heat of battle on the open seas or in the midst of family strife. I found that much like George R.R. Martin's 'Game of Thrones', I wanted to keep reading, almost looking for pages at the end of the book because I was left wondering what happens to these characters next. I am very much looking forward to the next instalment of 'The Death Quest Saga'."

Words can't express how proud I am that both of these reviews mentioned the depth of characterization.  If anything, I was really hoping that readers would get attached to my Rogues Gallery of characters and that they "come alive" in some capacity.

I also hope that I've forged a world that's "believable" to a reader.  I didn't want to bury people under an avalanche of boring minutia, so instead I tried to drop little references and tidbits here and there just to give the setting enough flavor to seem "real".  Likely Volume II will be more grounded in the book's mise-en-scène, but since I had a lot of story to tell in Brother's Keeper, I didn't want the reader to slog through anything that wasn't related to the overall plot.

And although Brother's Keeper is fairly self-contained, there is a plot thread that I deliberately left dangling  to build Volume II's foundation around.  Although I took great pains to complete the premise set up in the first Volume, hopefully I've also left enough unanswered questions to give readers some incentive to check out the next installment.  In the end I hope that people are left hanging on the edge of "evolution" just enough to make them curious as to what comes next.

And then there's this one:

Excellent First Novel

"After reading the first novel from David Pretty I got way more than I originally expected. It is full of detailed description of characters and situations that actually make you feel as if you were right there with them. The story line just seems to keep you reading as you feel like you know the characters and have a thriving need to know what happens to them next. 

Also, the way the novel is written explains in detail how the characters are feeling at certain moments and the reader just feels like they are in that character's shoes. One gets empathetic towards the characters almost instantly upon beginning to read. 

I personally recommend this read and look forward to more from this author. Keep up the great work David and thanks for this awesome tale!"

There are certain things that writers always love to hear from readers:

1. "You exceeded my expectations."
2. "I believed what happened in the book."
3. "The story was propulsive and it kept me reading."

Having said that, I suspect that formal literary circles would probably lambaste me for employing an omniscient point of view in the novel.  But I wouldn't have done it any other way since the characters were so diverse and interesting that I just couldn't resist putting the reader right into their heads.  I'm sure some people will consider these transitions jarring, but I really wanted people to get emotionally invested in the characters and experience all of their highs and lows.

And then finally, here's one from Stephen Patrick Clare, the publishers of Arts East here in Halifax:

"Extremely well-written, with a solid storyline and strong narrative arc - insightful, informative, entertaining and enlightening - a book that is certainly worthy of greater national attention."

This was great because Stephen isn't what I'd describe as big "genre" fan.  I never intended to write some sort of insular, nerdy fantasy book loaded with all kinds of clunky lore and convoluted references.  I just wanted to write a contemporary story about family conflict, dangerous secrets, personal tragedy and blind ambition.   The fantasy elements are about as incidental as the ghost in Hamlet, the Three Witches in MacBeth and the Sphinx and Oracle in Oedipus Rex.    

It's also very encouraging to hear someone say that the book is worthy of national attention.  Indeed Brother's Keeper holds very little appeal to regional, Maritime publishers with their single-minded devotion to "slice of life" tales, Christmas stories, kid's books and ghost anthologies.  If my novel is ever going to flourish, it has to be picked up by a major publisher and then diligently marketed and delivered to its target audience.

In addition to getting some encouraging comments from readers, I'm also doing whatever I can personally to drive up the book's profile.

For example, Brother's Keeper is now available through my local library system. And just last week I designed a cinema-style trailer for the book with the help if iMovie, some public domain images from the interwebs and the stirring music of Carl Orff.    

   

So, things are pretty good at the moment.  I'm still hoping that my book gets picked up by a major publisher and then transformed into a popular edition.  The promotion and distribution channels that would open up for me would be staggering.  This would also give me some definitive incentive to proclaim myself a real writer as opposed to "call center bait", which I'm likely to become in 2012 unless a more suitable offer comes down the pike. 

The dream's still alive folks.  Keep your fingers crossed for me...

EPIC:  My next goal: become a member of this exclusive club

FAIL:  I don't know if it's a comment on the state of our society but Walter The Farting Dog is far from a publishing failure.

http://www.bookfail.com/

This BLOG'S For You! Well, at least for now...

Hey, all!

Well, with close to three-thousand visits to my blog since April I must admit that it's gotten a bit more attention than I expected.

What really freaks me out is when companies contact me from out of the blue for inappropriate advertising opportunities.  Way back in May I did one (and only one) entry about sports (hockey to be precise, found here: http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.com/2010/05/best-game-you-can-name.html), and just a few days later this was sent to me:

Dear Webmaster ("Who is this Webmaster?  I am no Webmaster, I am the Keyholder!!!"...sorry)

My name is Dierdre (name changed to protect the stupid), and my company Pushy-Interwebs (name changed to protect it's clearly fly-by-night nature) represents online sport sites in various domains. We are looking at reputable sites to offer them profitable opportunities to help promote some of my clients sites.

We would like to know if you are interested in working with us on this.

For further details please don't hesitate to contact me.

Cheers,
Dierdre Brainsample
Advertising Consultant
Business Development Department
dierdre.brainsample@pushy-interwebs.com

Well, never one to discount something outright I replied back with the following:

Hello, Dierdre.

I appreciate your interest in my blog but had you given even a scant cursory glance at some of the other entries, you would clearly see that sports is a topic that I will scarcely, if ever, revisit.  In fact it's very likely that the content of the entry that prompted your email will never be mentioned again.

Having said that, I would certainly review any information you can provide about this opportunity.

Thanks in advance,

David Pretty

NO REPLY

Then in August this inexplicable exchange occurred:

Hi David Pretty,

I am Trina Echoears, I work for Cyberdyne, Inc.

Could you please mention about our Cyberdyne Operating System Optimizer on your blog.
http://cyberdynelovesyou.com/products/systemoptimizer/system-optimizer.html

I will give you a full version in exchange.

Sincerely,

Trina Echoears

Well, I mulled this over for half a second and shot this back:

Hi, Trina.

Thank you for your interest in "You can't Get There From Here". 

I might suggest, however, that if you'd taken a few fleeting moments out of your clearly busy day to scan over a few of my entries you might have picked up on the complete and total absence of references to computer software or reviews of the aforementioned products.
 
I'd go so far as to say that the time you would have saved composing and sending the email below would have been better served reading just a few paragraphs of my work versus trying to hone your penchant for Jedi Mind Tricks.

Having said that, I have been using the trial version of your product for the past few days and although my computer isn't operating any faster it also hasn't become self-aware, tried to murder me in my sleep or attempted to tap into any nuclear missile defense grids.

As such, despite the fact that I've never mentioned software in my blog entries (and never intended to)  I'd be more than happy to embed an ad for the Cyberdyne System Optimizer on my landing page.

Let me know if this would be suitable.
 
Thanks for your interest and have a great day!

NO REPLY

Finally, just recently I got a package of information from Google AdWorks.  I'd already set myself up with AdSense, which is supposed to take the content of your blog and post appropriate ads which readers might have some ungodly reason to click on.  If a certain amount of readers do this (I estimate it would need to be about forty-eight to sixty-thousand), then I might earn a check back from Google which would provide enough scratch to buy that pack of gum I always wanted.

Well, that's all well and good, but the irony isn't lost on me when I go off on an 11-part tirade ripping Sears a new corn hole only to spy a ginormous ad for www.sears.ca hanging over my comments box like some sort of blood-engorged stirge.  Oh, irony thou art truly ironic!  

Nevertheless, I got a package of information from Google recently asking if I wanted to use a free $100.00 credit for AdWorks which would put my l'il ole Emblogification Capture Device at the top of the virtual pile of results if anyone searched keywords like "blog", "employment" or "crackpot". 

So, with due diligence, I followed the link, created my one hundred and seventy-fifth new website profile since leaving work in April and then redeemed my $100 coupon.  Basically it was my intention to drive it into the ground for about ten days (or until my credit ran out), hopefully pick up a few new readers and then drop the program like it was hot.

Well, great idea in theory but not so good in practice.  Turns out, for the aesthetic purposes of the ad, the entire URL address could only be thirty-five characters.  Mine was a whopping forty-nine! 

I tried every possible work around with no luck, so I just abandoned it.

Then, a few weeks later I get a phone call from some dude with Google AdWorks located in Arizona.  Curiosity piqued, I called him back and we had a lovely little chat about my little syntax hiccup.

"Well, I'll see what I can do to pare down the name of the blog," I said.  After all, fourteen of those forty-nine characters were not of my choosing like the http prefix, the blogspot.com and other irrelevant mush.  What the eff did I need that crap for?

Well, I went back in, mucked around for a bit and came to the conclusion that he wanted me to pare down my blog title!  What?!?  Ditch Emblogification Capture Device?  And change it to what?  My original title of You Can't Get There From Here had already been taken when I started.  There couldn't be any other title.  It was what it was!  What else could I possibly call it?  This Is Dave's Blog Entry? 

Hey, wait, that's actually not bad.  Crap!   And it's just the right amount of characters.  And I just thought of this now!!?  F#$%, I'm such an idiot!


Errrrrr, I mean, NO!  Was he nuts?  Right now if someone "Googles" the name of the blog, it's the first result to come up!  Not that anyone would ever do that on their own in a million years, but since April I've been doing a sort of grass-roots advertising campaign by leaving otherwise blank business cards lying around the HRM with Emblogification Capture Device cryptically printed in various fonts.   

The AdWorks dude soon called back and left a message for me, asking how I was doing in neutering my blog's name.  I couldn't bring myself to call him back and explain in some lame, pretentious, artsy temper tantrum that I can't change the name of the blog because it would be like changing the name of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button to Benji the Hunted.     

After he left literally a dozen voice mails I finally picked up on the last one, just as he was promising with a straight voice that this was "sure to be the last message".  I snatched up the phone and blathered in quick succession that I would, in no uncertain terms, rather die than give up the name of the blog and that Google, yes, Google needed to find some internal solve to get over this creatively inane forty-nine character limit.

He waited me out patiently and then assured me that the advertising URL and the actual URL were two totally different things.  He told me he was going to email over a link which would allow him to view the format of the site address so help me pare it down while retaining the original name of the blog.

I breathed a sigh of relief.  That was, until his next question...

"So, when we get this all squared away, have you given any thought as to what your daily advertising budget will be?"

I let a beat pass.  I'd already shown earlier that my hand of cards was composed entirely of Jokers, so I decided to lob that conversational grenade back into his foxhole.

"Daily advertising budget?  Um, well, what would you recommend?"

"Well, on the very minimum end of the spectrum, how does $11.00 a day Canadian sound?"

It was now my turn to let the crickets have a solo.

"Uh, yeah, listen, um..Ryu (name changed to protect the oblivious), I don't know if you actually read my blog, but it's basically about an unemployed clown bitching about his past jobs, banging on the drum all day and playing dress-up."

"Oh," he said.

"Yeah, and to be perfectly honest, I was just gonna use up the $100 credit and then drop it, unless all those schizophrenic Sears ads started to may off like loose slot machines in a moment of karmic payback..."

Ryu from AdWorks cleared his throat and then proceeded to gingerly navigate out of our suddenly pointless conversation.

"Oh, well, if that's the case, then let me just pass you along to another department that works with...smaller scale (translation: non-existent) budgets..."

I politely took the number down.  Before I hung up, I just had to ask:

"Ryu, why would someone send this to me?  I mean it's not as if my site is based around gold for cash or online sales of LE 3-D televisions.  Really, why did I get this mailer in first place?"

"Oh, likely it's because...you're did you say you were located again?  Up in P.E.I.?"

"Um, close, Nova Scotia."

"Well, it's likely our marketing department thought that your region was untapped, so to speak, so you likely were a part of a mass mailing."

Mass mailing?  Really?  I suddenly felt so unloved. 

NO REPLY

EPIC:  I'd whore for Cheap Trick anytime...


FAIL: Did these things get sent to me because people didn't read or because they couldn't because they "lost their glasses"? Here's the indescribably bizarre Pete Burns, lead singer for the 80's pop band Dead or Alive humiliating himself on British TV as part of Celebrity Big Brother in 2006...

"Yeah, I got yer 'Softer Side' Right HERE, pal!" - Part IV - Exploitation

Greetings, Fans of the Persistently Ludicrous.

The strategies that "Sears" adopted in the mid-Nineties worked like gangbusters (or Ghostbusters if you're under thirty).  Customers who had grown up trusting the "Sears" name implicitly but had since grown disillusioned with the company's lack of modern appeal and organization embraced these excuses to return and they did so in droves.

The venerable but neglected catalog division became the retail equivalent of Lazarus rising from the dead.  The retail stores learned to maximize it's profits in terms of floor space (constructing a series of "Whole Home" furniture and appliance stores as a result), refurbished their presentation and began to stock popular brand names. 

It could be argued that the revival of the retail half of "Sears" was a foregone conclusion.  What no-one could have foreseen was just how dramatically the catalog division turned around.

As I detailed in a previous entry, Telephone Sales Representatives with the catalog call centers were expected to perform non-commission add-on sales when customers called to place their orders.  New staff, eager to please, often sold in excess of $10.00 of extra sales PER HOUR, effectively paying their own wages in the process.  They were also asked to promote the "Sears Charge Card" as well and were rewarded with a small dividend if they successfully signed a customer up.  It's been alleged that raw profits from the interest generated by "Sears Cards" alone was a major factor in the company's relative stability during the worst days of the recession.

"Sears" began announcing quarterly profits instead of losses again.  In 1994, the Liberal government in Nova Scotia offered an additional $700,000 in grants to "Sears" keep the operation locked in place for the time being.  Staff, bolstered by their own success, began to think of work at the call center as long-term.  This was still before the arrival of competing call centers like "Matrix" and "Convergys" and many of us were heartened somewhat by that old Maritime mantra:

"Don't complain, you're lucky to have a job at all!"

People working at "Sears" part-time, with their incomes supplemented by other negligible gigs, began investing in their futures.  They bought homes, cars, started families and pursued other avenues usually afforded to the average industrious employee.

The winning streak continued.  In time "Sears" stock peaked at $30.00 a share.  Quarter after quarter of record profits were recorded.  In 1998, Paul Walters collected a $2.84 million dollar paycheck for his insight.

For the employees that had so successfully helped to execute Walter's plans, the rewards were considerably more humble.  Very few TSR's that started with the call center eight years prior saw their hours increase beyond twenty-five a week and fewer still saw their rate of pay climb above the $8.00 mark.  The company health plan through Clarica/Sun Life was still impractical for many, often costing monthly premiums in excess of $40.00 for even the most rudimentary coverage.  

These sort of jobs led to media to christian a new segment of the population in the mid-Nineties: "The Working Poor."

Personally, I was financially afloat but little else.  A more immediate concern was nagging at me.  I was becoming increasingly bored taking one identical "Sears" catalog order after another or having bizarre interactions with customers like this one:

ME:  "Sears, David, how can I help you?

INSANE CUSTOMER: (screaming at top of lungs) "ALRIGHT, LISTEN HERE!  I'VE CALLED ABOUT THIS THREE TIMES ALREADY AND YOU GODDAMN WELL BETTER DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT THIS TIME!!!  IF YOU DON'T COME AND GET THIS (expletive deleted) TELEVISION SET OUT OF MY (expletive deleted) HOUSE TODAY IT'S GOING IN THE (expletive deleted) GARBAGE!!!  DO YOU HEAR ME?!!?"

ME: "Uh, yes, sir...I can help you with that.  I just need your..."

Suddenly I hear a *SLAM* as the phone receiver crashed down on the cradle.

I sat there stunned for a moment.  This clown had called me, freaking out over what I presumed was a pick-up issue but didn't give me so much as a name, phone number or any piece of identification to bring up his file to help him.  Little wonder no-one did anything the past three times he called!  Did he think we could see him automatically with some sort of magical phone-cam or omniscient database?   

I was beginning to resent people.  Or more accurately I was beginning to resent their misplaced rage over inconsequential stuff.  I would take umbrage at their ignorance.  I was beginning to despise their propensity to haggle over the price of things I had no control over:



This was underscored in the fall of 1995 when I made the mistake of agreeing to participate in a "pilot project".  Just for the record, kiddies, "pilot project" is often code for "crap your employer can't pawn off on smarter people".  But with my Dad screaming "TAKE EVERY SPECIAL ASSIGNMENT YOUR BOSS ASKS YOU TO DO AND YOU'LL BE SURE TO GET AHEAD" in my ear I offered my assistance.  

Well, as it turned out the fly-by-night outfit that held the contract to do residential and commercial carpet cleaning for "Sears" in the United States decided to close their doors overnight.  That left thousands of royally pissed-off Americans in the lurch and without a place to call to vent their Herculean levels of pent-up rage.

Sooooo, the General Manager of "Sears Catalog Atlantic" graciously offered us polite but dim Canadian heifers up for the sacrifice. 

And it was baaaaad.   Really bad.  We knew it was going to be bad when two dodgy characters from Canway/Continental (the local Canadian wing of "Sears Carpet Cleaning") came in to try and co-ordinate the thing.  They made carnival workers look like cast members from "The Apprentice".   

And they were completely disorganized.  Essentially all we did was fill out one complaint sheet after another all day long.  I have no idea what became of the paperwork since it just sat there until the end of the day when "Boris and Natasha" finally decided to pile it all up on a rolling cart and tote it away in the freight elevator.  We had absolutely no power as "Sears" representatives to take action or promise anything to the poor, frustrated bastards that called us. 

We had three possible forms to fill out: one for people calling who were upset but coherent, one form for clients who were spittin' nails and one form for callers who were threatening to "go public" with the media or claimed to know Oprah Winfrey on a personal level.

I'm telling you right now, this is no word of a lie.  You can't make this s#!@ up.

Some of these people were justifiably angry.  For example, I might be calling because I had an appointment Saturday for "Sears Carpet Cleaning" to come out and do my rugs because my house is going on the market Monday morning and I have a whole week's worth of viewings scheduled .  Now it's Sunday night, no-one showed up, and I've called what I think is the U.S. division of "Sears Carpet Cleaning" but no-one can give me the slightest idea as to when my carpets will be cleaned or if I'll get any compensation at all for the delay.

All we could do was apologize incessantly, take threats seriously and reach for form number three when the customer was calling from Chicago, Illinois mere moments away from "Harpo Studios".   

"Excuse me, ma'am, I'm just going to grab my pen and a form here.  Continue berating me with the same sort of creativity you've already exhibited and also feel free to tell me that you personally know Oprah and that Stedman used to be in the Army and he will kill me with his bare hands if he catches up to me."

It was so bad that, months later, the same General Manager that suckered into the debacle in the first place wrote what amounts to a letter of apology:

"Just a short note to thank you for your participation in the 'Sears Carpet Cleaning' insourcing project.  

"Both call volumes and Project duration were badly underestimated and some of the commitments we made to customers, in good faith, were not deliverable by Canway/Continental, and this was disappointing.  What was not disappointing, however, was Sears Associate performance.  Upon short notice and limited training, you and your team displayed your customer service skills, in handling many difficult inquiries as well as your selling skills in completing sales for Canway/Continental.


"Your performance reinforces our strong belief that we have the team that is flexible and capable to handle other insourcing opportunities in the future."

Hmmmmm, threat or promise?  

I soon resolved myself get away from the phones as much as possible, if only for my mental health.  In the Fall of 1997 I was recommended for an instruction program which would allow me to help train new hires once completed.

As soon as I participated in my first training class all of a sudden the clouds parted and the angels began to sing.  I was in heaven.

I'd found my calling.  This was reflected in an "Associate Recognition" comment card from my managers:

"David, the job you did during training was super.  Your knowledge and helpfulness will benefit all.  Thanks so much." 

In 1997 here's what they wrote in the comments section in one of my typically-stellar performance appraisals: (*Toot!  Toot!*)

"Another outstanding effort in '97, David.  Huge increase in 43's (That's Media 43's, or our add-one sales - your humble narrator) from last year and accounts are well above call center average!  David, you've proven to be a great asset to 'Sears' with super customer service skills as well as aiding in the training of new TSA's.  Thanks, David, for a super year."

Despite the head-swelling praise, my reply to this in the "Associate Comments" field clearly exhibits growing frustration with the added duties and very little in the way of compensation to show for it: 

"My part-time hours at 'Sears' are not supplemented by any other income.  I'm not living on student loans, I'm not living at home and I don't have another part-time job.  The money I make here goes to bills, rent and student loan payments.

"After three years at 'Sears', my financial prospects look discouraging.  The cost of living continues to increase and my salary remains relatively fixed.  I would like like to be afforded the same prospects as most people.  I would like to own a car some time in the future, consider living in a better place, possibly travel.

"Right now, however, this doesn't seem possible.  Having said that, I would hope that these goals are achievable here at 'Sears'.  It's still the best place I've ever worked and I love the people I work with.

"I would also like to thank those responsible to suggesting my name for training new TSA's.  This was the single most enjoyable time I've had here at 'Sears'.  I would love to be considered for future assignments and would like to take this opportunity to thank my coaches for their trust.

"Hopefully the results of my recent review will display my commitment to this company as well as show my value as an employee.  I remain hopeful and positive about the future and my prospects here."      

But it was not to be.  Training was over for the time being so I was back on the phones for every shift.

Make the best of it, in July of 1997 I received a slip of paper signed by the call center manager that read "effective June 29'th 1997 your hourly rate will be adjusted from $7.40 to $7.62."

Wow.  Now I could buy that newspaper I always wanted...

Realizing that I couldn't survive financially much longer on my current hours and wages I resigned myself to the same inevitable action that every young, upwardly-mobile company drone was expected to do. 

I would take my first tentative step up the corporate ladder.  I would be one with the "Sears".


I would become a manager. 


EPIC: http://money.cnn.com/magazines/fortune/bestcompanies/2010/

FAIL:  Contrary to the title, I don't think this is very funny.  On the contrary, for anyone who's been on the receiving end of customer abuse this will surely chill you to the bone, cause you to tuck into a fetal position and/or result in profuse cold sweats...