Diggin' a Hole (Only To Fill It Back Up Again)

Greetings, Fellow Strugglers!

Well, just under a year ago I began the painstaking process of self-discovery to determine what I'm supposed to be when I grow up. And I don't want to hear anyone out there scream "writer!" because that particular pursuit has vanished from my rose-colored line of sight since I discovered that the pay appears to be worse then that of "Gravedigger". 

Actually, I've been told that if get in with the Union of Needletrades, Aerospace Workers and Gravediggers you can actually make mad money, yo.

Now, for the purpose of total disclosure, one of my main motivators for going on this little odyssey of self exploration was the possibility of being partially funded to go back to school.  This was sold to me when I was informed that I might be able to have my books and tuition partially covered and also receive a weekly living expenses stipend while I studied.

Thinking that this was a too-good-to-be-true possibility I tackled the prospect of self-discovery with gusto.  I began with a Career Matchmaker quiz which told me what I already knew: that I was best suited for creative pursuits involving such pie-in-the-sky occupations as cartoonist or film editor.  Although I was told at the time by my career councilor that I "shouldn't take any career path off the table", I could sense that she was thinking: "Well, you're gonna be a whole lungful of trouble, aint'cha?"

 

I then went through the academic calendar and put every single program offered by the college into three distinct categories:

1. "I really wanna do it...please, please, please!"    This would include such lofty pursuits as Screen
   Arts, Recording Arts or Radio/T.V. Arts.  Please note the omnipresent, telling and somewhat lamentable presence of the word "arts" in all three options.
2. "Well, okay, I suppose I could do it.  Ummm...wheee?"  These are things that I could tolerate doing if the sponsorship had been sweet enough.  Some examples of this included IT, Occupational Health and Safety and Human Resource *YAWN*...Management.
3. Then there were the  "I'd Rather Staples My Knutz To A Log and Be Forced To Catch Anvils" options: Business Administration, Aircraft Maintenance, Chartered Accountant and/or Suicide Watch Candidate.

As soon as I presented my proactive and diligent efforts to my career councilor, everything in Category One was summarily jettisoned.  Was this done to be cruel or mean?  No, it was done with a healthy dose of reality in mind.  She knew that, despite my interest and aptitude for creative pursuits, the provincial government would only sponsor me for a program that involved cramming octagonal-shaped pegs into round, but in-demand, holes.  In other words, they wanted a "sure investment".   

Initially, this was very depressing for me, but I've been around long enough to know the score: People say that art makes the world go around but those same people never seem to be willing to help out the artists.

This led to considerable paralysis.  With my obvious choices all thrown out like so much baby bathwater, what would I settle for?  Thus began a long and protracted process of deciding between a pack of equally unappealing options.  Kinda like the last election.

I was so apathetic about what remained that I had to attend several "Test Drives" and Info Sessions to try and prospect for a nugget of interest.  The IT exploration revealed great students, faculty, and training methods but I couldn't help but feel as if my time spent there really wasn't representative of how my day-to-day academic experience would be like.  I knew that I'd enjoy the Web Page design portion of the training but pretty much loathe everything else, especially Programming, which I liken to looking for haystack needles for a living.   

As if to fortify my own shaky sense of self, I did a second, even more detailed, Career Aptitude Survey.  Once again I got frustratingly airy-fairy results like "Commercial Artist", "Librarian"  and "Writer/Editor".  Wow, really 'effin helpful, guys.  But according to THE IMMUTABLE LAWS OF THE FRIGGIN' UNIVERSE, none of those paths were apparently a feasible option.

I'm was so confused by that point that I registered for a General Information Session at the college.  As it turned out, this seminar was designed for the the average Grade School kid who's response to "What do you want to be when you grow up?" changes from year to year based on what T.V. show is most popular.  What I really needed was the "Coming to Grips With Reality" seminar.

And then I made the worst mistake ever: I actually let someone give me a modicum of hope.  I met with a councilor at the community college and he told me that I should pursue Screen Arts because it's clearly what I really want to do.

"What I'm concerned about," he said, "Is that if you don't do this now, you'll just find yourself in the same position in another ten years from now."

After telling me that he's certain people have been approved for government sponsorship for such diverse and "creative" pursuits as Culinary Arts, I went back to my application advisers and passed on what I'd been told.  It didn't take them very long to beat that spark of hope out of my head:

"The application package must clearly define...how likely you are to find employment upon completion of the training. That works against screen arts. The local film and TV industry was hit very hard by the recession and, coupled with the recently announced cancellation of the provincial rebates for film projects, there are very few opportunities in this field (as an aside, Culinary Arts, while a creative program, does qualify graduates for a specific type of employment)."      

Goddammit, why couldn't I have been born a left brain person?  

With all of my vested interest now abandoned I continued to sort through the remaining options like a pile of overripe bananas.  This involved another Test Drive for Health Information Management and then Environmental Engineering Technician (Water).  The first made me alternately queasy and itchy and the second made a fuse burn out in my noodle.  With both of those eliminated I decided to do a Q&A session with one of the Screen Arts instructors, just to satisfy my masochistic streak.  And hey, what a shocker, it seemed right up my alley.

But after being assured for the umpteenth time that I wouldn't receive a single red cent of funding for such an endeavor I turned back to my consolation prize:  IT.  After I declared this as my official selection I began to cobble together the application form back in the month of June.  Knowing that the government would never make the process easy, I certainly expected my fair share of red tape.  What I didn't expect was how intrusive, pushy and downright annoying the submission effort became.

First off, I was expected to cold call local business in the IT field and ask their HR department stunningly nosy questions such as: 

1. Does this job require a Criminal Record Check?  Driver's abstract?  Access to a vehicle?  Do you have to be Bonded? James Bonded?    
2. Have you hired people in this occupation in the past two years and will you be hiring people in the next two years?  Really use those psychic powers!
3. Do employees generally start out permanent, casual, term, seasonal, part time or detained illegally in the storage closets?
4. What post-secondary training is necessary to gain employment in this occupation?  Will my mail-order certificate from the South Idaho School of Computerization and Cosmostology be good enough? 
5. What opportunities for advancement are there?  How long does it take to get a key to the executive bathroom?

Now, can you imagine working in a busy HR department and some jerkstore calls up and starts asking all of these irritating questions?  Well, I'm here to tell ya, folks, it went over about as well as limited engagement for Michael Richards at the Apollo Theater.  

Nevertheless, I checked my self-respect at the door, filled out the 'effin thing and presented it to my councilor. He looked over the section which detailed the income of my infinitely better half.

"OoooooOoo," he said, like an administrative Merv Griffin.  "Just to let you know up front, whenever I've seen that annual income figure exceed a certain benchmark it usually means a lower result for funding."

I sat there for a bit and blinked out a Morse code message for confusion.  

"Um...really?  How...how much lower?"

"Well, y'know, we'll just submit it and see.  Oh, and another thing working against you is the fact that you already have a university degree."  

At which point I thought to myself: 'Y'know, I'm willing to wager dollars to donuts that this whole process is gonna be a complete and total waste of time.'

And sure enough, just last week I got a call and was told that the only thing they'd cover is a percentage of my tuition.  No books or living expenses would be covered.  And the unspoken reason for the low offer: my fiance would be expected to pay for all of our mutual living expenses as I went to school to study something I barely have any interest in.  

Well, I didn't start on this little venture to put any additional financial burden on her.  It's not her fault that I had this mid-life crisis (but she is somewhat relieved that it doesn't involve a small collection of Porsche's ). 

Which brings to me to an amusing side rant: why is it that you cease to exist as an autonomous human being and become a two-person collective the second you declare that you're in a relationship with someone?  Bull-s#!%, I tells ya.         

Now, you'd think I'd be pissed off, but I'm actually kinda relieved.  I'd been railroaded into picking IT as a career path, but above and beyond the web page design aspect, I really didn't give a crap about it.  Now, don't get me wrong, if they'd offered to pay me to take it I would have been all over it like a fat kid on an Eggo.  

But do you know the really sick part?  If they'd offered me the same deal to do Screen Arts, I'd be sharpening my pencils, polishing my apples and packing my Empire Strikes Back lunchbox in anticipation of my first day Back 2 Skool.

Instead now I'm faced with the prospects of working again at a call center.  Hopefully I can find one a shade or two above "24-7 PC Tech"  so I won't be forced to call you, Kind Reader just to tell you that "there's something wrong with your computer Window." 

EPIC:  Will I be the caller or the call-ee in this scenario over the next few months?

DELIBERA-FAIL:

Decision By Attrition

Greetings, True Believers!

Two more information sessions punctuated the end of my epic career exploration saga. I swear, the whole process has been the equivalent of Moses leading the Israelites out of slavery in Egypt to the Promised Land of New Glasgow.  


January 18'th (6 PM)

Still queasy from my Health Information Management test drive earlier that same day, I bus across the pond to an evening info session for Environmental Engineering Technician (Water). Here's the program's description from the college's guide:

"Water resources throughout Canada and the world are being impacted by stresses from population and technological growth, contamination and mismanagement, along with global climate change. The Environmental Engineering Technology - Water Resources program will provide you with the necessary skills, education, and training to be able to assume responsibilities as an engineering technologist in the management, protection, development, and use of this essential resource."

I wanted to check out this possible career path for two very important reasons:

1. I truly believe that one day pure water will be as scarce as gasoline was in the world of Mad Max.  Or, in our own world, for that matter.  Assuming you're aware of the concept of peak oil.  You are aware that we're eventually gonna run out of oil, right?  Hey, you wasteful twat in the Navigator, I'm talkin' to you!  Ahem.  Sorry. 
2. I'm a water sign.

Hey, these reasons are no less valid then the ones I eventually used to settle on my choice.  Stay tuned, kiddies, and don't skip ahead for spoilers!

After another threadbare 15-minute propaganda session we're led away by one of the program's instructors to a very official-looking lab.  En route I'm delighted to recognize a fellow survivor from my last place of employ.  She's already registered for the program but wants to check out the information session just to make sure "it's still for her".  She thinks I'll be "really good with this course" but almost in the same breath mentions   that she's already doing math upgrade classes to get the necessary accreditation to get into the program.  This isn't boding well.

In the lab are sinks, beakers, bunsen burners, mini ovens, and aquariums bearing bored-looking trout.  Extra bored.  As if I can tell.  Anyhoo, after a few cursory questions the gruff-looking instructor leads us all into an empty classroom for a proper Q&A.  Here's what I find out:

• There are numerous prospective employers in the Halifax area for those who complete the two-year program.  They include (but aren't limited to) SLR Consulting, SNC-Lavalin, the ESANS (the Environmental Services Association of Nova Scotia), CBCL Limited, the CRA (Canadian Revenue Agency) and, of course, the FGEFSRTEET(W)ARBAGA or the Fraudulent Generic Employer for Something Related To Environmental Engineering Technician (Water) As Represented By A Gratuitous Acronym.
• The instructor himself is awesome: he's loud, clear, boisterous and gregarious.  There wouldn't be any nappin' in this dude's class, lemme tell ya!     
• Typical careers that may result from your study include doing water testing for the Halifax Water Commission, Environmental Technologist, Project Manager, Lab Operator, Lab Technician, Treatment Plant Operator, and Prehensile Titanium-Niobium Tentacle-Equipped Mad Scientist.  
• "Who gives a s#!%?  How much does it pay already!"  Starting wage is typically $35,000 to $45,000 a year.  Cha-ching!  Halifax Water Commission water testers earn about $25.00/hour.  Mad scientists earn about a billion dollars per extortion/ransom.  
• Current job prospects...wicked awesome.
• Required math skills.  To quote the instructor:  "Relatively high.  Higher then construction, imagery work or architecture.  In fact, I'd say that this is the most rigorous program at the college."  To which my internal Lost In Space robot starts screaming "Danger, Will Robinson!  Danger!"  Entrance requirements demand High School Advanced Math, which I actually do (technically) have.  Now, I have to confess that's kinda like saying: "Yeah, I managed to jump over Snake River Canyon but I kinda wrapped my Sky-Cycle around a mesa and now they gotta feed me through a tube."  As if what the instructor has already said isn't daunting enough he then has to go ahead and use the "C"-word.   Yes, that's right, folks...calculus.   Frankly this was as much of a game breaker for me as that friggin' slide of the dog with ectoplasm coming out of his snout.  You're welcome, by the way.   Please stop sending me angry emails. 
• In addition to full-time class hours, Student sin the program can expect to do about ten to fifteen extra hours of homework. Jesus, how can I be expected to go Back To School  Rodney Dangerfield-style (with all the requisite "partying down" this entails) with so much homework?  "No respect, I tells ya..."
• The academic year started with thirty-two students.  Only twenty-one remain in the second year and out of those twenty-one students, only six are still clinically sane.

On the way out, my fellow work parolee says:

"Wow, wasn't that fantastic?"

"Sure was.  It certainly made up my mind," I replied. 

"Awesome!  When I was talking to admissions last week they said this program fills up pretty quick.  You may want to get your application in as soon as..."           

"Oh, I'm not applying to this, are you nuts?"  I laughed.  "If I drag my sorry, academically flabby, prehistoric ass back to college, there's no way I'm gonna be totally miserable and possibly borderline suicidal the whole time.  F#@$ that, noise!"

Hmmm, in retrospect, that may have sounded a tad discouraging to her...

January 19 

I'm back in my usual seat same Bat-time, same Bat-channel the following night for my final information session: Screen Arts.  Yes, that's right, the same Screen Arts program that every one of my career transition councilors has been trying to systemically beat out of my head as an option for the past four months.

I decide to give the presenter a break tonight and get up and do the fifteen minute introduction for him since I've committed the f#@$%^ thing to memory by now.

After Screen Arts is called, I go over to the instructor, who acts alarmed that I'm the only one who showed up for this particular information session.  Well, we're off to a promising start!

Despite the fact that there's only two of us, I have plenty of questions so there's never any dead air.  I continue to surprise myself lately.  I guess I've gotten to that point in my life where I feel less socially awkward then about 90% of humanity (including people who are older then me) in 90% of most social situations.  I used to be so shy, but now I'm a freakin' social butterfly.

He takes me on a tour of the film department.  I don't get to see the editing bays but he raves about how "state of the art" everything is, and frankly, based on what I'm privy to, I have no reason to doubt him.  He takes me onto a mock sound stage and I get to check out some props and scenery cobbled together by the students.  We drag a couple of chairs into the middle of the room and get down to brass tacks.  

Here's a summary of what I learn:

•  Upon completion of the two year program, the goal is to get hired by a local film production company in the hopes that when the next major Hollywood production comes down the pike (Read: the next Jesse Stone movie), your company will be hired and, subsequently, so will you.  At least, I think that's the theory.
• Pay as a starting union crew member is about $150.00 to $200.00 a day.  Not too shabby, but if you factor in the low end of that scale and the fact that it only takes a coupla months to shoot even a major film production, we're only looking at about $12,000.00 earned for one project. 
• Maximum class size is twenty seven students, currently the program has 16.  No surprise to me, 60% of the students are only one or two years out of High School.  Wow, I can just imagine what realistic, slice of life, laconic films these grizzled veterans must be producing every year.  
• Although there are certainly only a finite number of positions available on any given production, the Screen Arts program cross-trains students in a variety of different roles, whether it be editing, sound, set design, construction, and craft services complainer.  Sorry, I know I've only been on three film sets but on every one, some d-bag was just standing around bitching about the food even though it was awesome.  Assholes.
• The instructor claimed that even when large productions aren't in town to give employment opportunities, you do so much networking over the course of the two year program that you often end up working on your friend's projects and vice versa.  Of course, this could mean working for peanuts.  And that would really suck 'cuz I'm allergic to peanuts.

 Now perhaps the most eye-opening bit of info: the instructor maintains that out of the last graduating class, only three felt compelled to leave for Toronto or Vancouver to get a job.  It goes back to the previous comment about networking for freelance opportunities.

"Frankly it makes a lot of sense for them to stay here.  After all, if they leave for another city they have to start the process of networking and making connections all over again."

This makes sense, but I'm left wondering about what sort of jobs the "all but three graduates" are working at.  Is this my own skeptical voice at work or the voice of my councilors who know I won't get sponsorship for something so blatantly "artsy-fartsy"?

I thank my host and although we wrap up early I still feel a tad guilty keeping him as long as I did.  But, hey, I needed to get all my questions answered and I wasn't about to leave until I grilled this dude like a cheese sandwich.

January 25

I meet with my career transitions councilor and she prods me for a decision on what I want to go back to school for.  I tell her I've certainly ruled out Health Information Management and Environmental Engineering Technology and stall for more time by telling her that I'm going to consult with three industry professionals for more information about careers in IT.  Unbeknownst to her, this merely consists of me sending an email to three of my friends about how much they think their respective jobs suck.

In what I'm sure is a completely unrelated announcement my councilor tell me she's retiring in a few weeks and I need to make up my mind by then.  I feel like screaming in her face: "Cripes, what's with all the friggin' pressure, lady?!  I've only had five months to work on this.  Sheeeesh!"   

For the record, these councilors also don't like it when you tell them that you plan to make a final decision by assigning the numbers one to six to your options and then rolling an over-sized novelty foam die down the hall in order to "determine the winner."   Yeah, they don't think that's very funny.    

January 27

I start to get responses back from my three insiders RE: the following informal survey:

1. What are your main duties?  Besides playing boardgames at work that is...(name withheld to protect the not-so-innocent).
2. Generally what skills/qualifications/experience is needed?  Are math skills important for coding?  By the way, if your answer to the first question is "hard knees and suction power" I'm taking something else...        
3. Without getting two specific can you give me a general idea about entry-level pay in your industry?  Feel free to scan and email over one of your pay stubs... 
4. Does your employer prefer certain specific schools/accredation?  Or am I okay going with Beothuk Data Processing?  They do still exist, right?    
5. What are the job prospects like for what you do?  What about the next few years?  Are there any particularly "hot" specializations right now?  Are you sick of these questions already? 
6. How do you feel about your current employer?  Try to avoid gratuitous use of the word "f#@%tards" if possible... 
7. What do you like most about the work?  What sucks big hairy knutz about it? 
8. How do you think the job will change over the next 10 years?  Use those psychic powers! 
9. What personal qualities are required to succeed in this line of work?  Knowing me like you all do, do you think I can do it and what do you think my own personal challenges would be?  What sage advice would you give to someone who wants to persure your line of work?  Hopefully you all won't reply "RUN!" 

Oh, by the way, I've set this Monday as my deadline to decide so please send back as much info as you can muster before then.  And remember, your replies will have direct impact on my future, so...no pressure!  Kidding!

Some eye-opening replies include:

• "Positive energy is key, I spend a lot of time in front of customers and they need to see me as their personal technical guru.  Inspiring confidence and trust (along with other soft skills) are just as important as any of the technical stuff"
• "A hot career path right now is in social media.  Awesome people doing an awesome job.  Social Media analysts answer questions on Twitter, Facebook, Forums and blogs.  Awesome.  I've never seen them do it, but they're generally happy people."
• "Don't you have anything better to do?  Why aren't you watching crappy daytime T.V., eating corn chips and masturbating like every other unemployed slob?"

In light of such responses, I'm now ready to publicly declare my decision.  

February 1'st           

Without any specific instruction, I show up for my final meeting with my career transitions councilor with my "Career Assessment Report" not filled out to completion.

 "Well, I just filled out the part of the report that I decided on.  What's the sense of filling out the other two options if I'm not going to pursue them?"

My persistently patient councilor casts a world-weary sigh skyward.  I'm sure she's counting the seconds before she runs screaming out of the office, drives to airport and climbs onboard a plane to Florida like one of the Ramones.  I notice she hasn't even turned her computer on.

"You need to fill in the details for the other two occupations to show that you've done some comparative research." 

She leaves me alone for ten minutes and I scramble to fill out the balance of the document from memory.  When she bursts back into the office earlier then promised she catches me cheating using her encyclopedic Canadian Guide to Job Prospects tome to fill out the last few "What skills or qualifications are needed?" blocks.  Awkward!

I'm sure she was of two minds when signing off on the report.  On one hand she was probably pretty depressed that this moment would serve as the exclamation point on an otherwise stellar career.  On the other hand, by signing her name on that report, the thought of never having to deal with my indecisive ass ever again likely promised a rush of endorphins that would make sky diving look like making toast.

I walked out of her office with the precious document in hand.  I had made my decision.

Come September 1'st, I would be perusing the Information Technology program at my local community college.

May God have mercy on my soul.     

EPIC:  Oh, Orion pictures, how I miss thee...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iRpUAdI_F_o&playnext=1&list=PL6C06AD3378261B9B

This trailer embodies similar expectations RE: my return to college...


FAIL:  How we take our water resources for granted is well documented in this tremendous documentary...

"Ummmm, Is This Thing On My Neck Getting Bigger?"

Olá leitores gentil!

January 18'th 

I'm back at the IT campus again, this time for a "Test Drive" for the Health Information Management program.  A secretary kindly offers me another swag bag filled with orientation goodies but I can't except it in good conscience lest it lead to a "Hoarders"-like spiral of collecting hundreds of identical Day-Glo lime green satchels, pens and notebooks.  As it stands, I'm already paranoid that the administrators are starting to suspect that I'm doing these "Test Drives" just to get the free lunch.

My guide today is Samson, who seems genial but distracted.  He leads me into a classroom where a veritable spread of baked good is laid out on tables.

"We're doing this for our 'Teams in the Workplace' class."

"Making apple cinnamon fritters?   Are you sure you guys didn't end up in the Baking and Pastry Art class by mistake?"

"No," my host replied, 'dumbass' connotations in his tone, "We're raising funds for a local health-related charity and a large part of our mark is determined by whether or not we make our goal."

Although I thought the good karma that might result from such an unorthodox academic pursuit was obvious, I really had a hard time picturing myself going back to college for Bake Sale 101.
 
We proceed on to the first class, and Samson does a great job when he can giving me the strait dope on the program.  I say "when he can" since all day long he seems to be besieged at every turn with a constant bombardment of pop quizzes, pop tests and pop, er...essays.  Frankly, I didn't even think there was such a thing as pop essays.

At one point, after my overseer begins rocking back and forth and muttering "Krusty is coming, Krusty is coming" when faced with an impromptu writing assignment, I take the opportunity to go up to the front of the class and barrage the instructor with more questions that were asked during the Nuremberg Trials.

She tells me that upon successful completion with the program you usually end up working in some capacity with the Canadian Institute for Health Information.  You typically start with coding medical files and then you can sometimes move on to a supervisor/managerial role with the Department of Health or in some aspect of data analysis. And you all know how much I would ♥ that!

***SARCASM*** 

I discover to my chagrin that the job would involve a tremendous amount of sitting.  Despite its $20 to $23 hourly starting wage, the entry-level jobs mainly boil down to data entry.  You basically take one medical file after another, try your best to interpret the chicken-scratches, and then code all the information into an electronic template and then send it away for data compilation and analysis.  

I'm encouraged when the instructor is honest enough to confess that there was a shortage of job opportunities "a while ago" but things are really starting to pick up again, especially on a the national front.  There are approximately fifty people employed locally in the three major hospitals in the city, and the lion's share of jobs involve the aforementioned dreaded coding.

I go back to join Samson and he's since been forced to move to a new computer to complete his in-class assignment.  While I'm waiting for him to resurface, I flip through a text book which is filled with various symptoms, etiology, diagnosis, treatments, and prognosisi.  Basically, this is pure hell for a hypochondriac.  I'm disgusted that the textbook isn't content with just describing these horrible signs of illness, n-o-o-o-o-o, they've gotta photograph each one in high-resolution color closeup.  I'm only three hours in and already I'm starting to itch.

I begin to glaze over as I'm inundated with constant abstract references to ICD-10, CIHI, NACRS (Not as in, "Oooo, what a nice set of...".  Don't make the same mistake I did...), DAD, CPE, CHIMA...Cripes, this program has more acronyms then the friggin' I.R.S.  This isn't boding well.  Somehow I'm not surprised when Sampson informs me that class attrition has been brutal: they started with twenty-one students and are now down to twelve.

One favorable thing he does point out is the pronounced dearth of male students.  If the guy can be envied for anything, it's the male to female student ratio.  He's the only dude in a class of bona-fide hotties.

Little wonder baking skills are so important.  Kidding, ladies, kidding!  

I get a chance to chat with one of the gals, Melissa, who seems to be taking all the challenges in stride.  Our backgrounds are similar: she once worked for a certain major office supply chain before another (more evil) office supply chain bought them out and made working conditions so unpalatable for her that she had to quit.  Hence, her academic aspirations and hopeful career reboot.  She bright, genial and easy-going so I'm confident she'll do fine!

The next class was a spot of apparently necessary yet unfortunate dreck dealing with Sensitivity in the Medical Profession.  You would think a lot of this would boil down to common sense, but since that phrase has become an oxymoron in this day and age, such training is required.  To me the class was way too painfully similar to the insufferable Sexual Harassment awareness sessions at my last place of employ where you were politely asked by your managers to avoid touching each other's Danger Zones.  Really?  You actually have to tell us not to do this?   You, in particular?        

Some of the issues raised are valid, but I can see how they can irk the average health care professional.  Some examples:

• Jehovah's Witnesses don't accept blood transfusions.  While it's important to honor this stance, I imagine to a lot of doctors it's the medical equivalent of not wanting to get your picture taken because you're afraid the process will "steal your soul".
• Rastafarians believe that the body should remain intact.  That's all well and good in theory, but just think how much richer the whole world would be if Bob Marley had just lopped off that pesky cancerous toe?  
• In some Asian cultures the character for the number 4 is pronounced the same way as the character for the word “death.”   Needless to say, being assigned to stay in the "death" room in the hospital would do little to speed up your recovery process. 

One of their class assignments involved coming up with a slogan and image to represent the group's collective ethos regarding tolerance for different economic, ethnic and cultural backgrounds when it comes to patient care.  I really don't want to belittle what is, I'm sure, a very important issue but the whole time I felt like a kid in grade school who was about to express the sentiment "Drugs are Bad" in the medium of pipe cleaners, painted macaroni and glitter glue. 

The final class of the day was all about symptoms, diagnosis and treatments.  If glancing through the textbook earlier didn't give enough reason to believe that I already had fibrodysplasia ossificans progressiva, then this class put the capper on my paranoia altogether.  The instructor was a young, gregarious and micheviously funny lady who couldn't resist sneaking some subversive slides into her otherwise sober Powerpoint presentation on various ailments.   When it got to the section on colds and flus, it wasn't enough for her to describe the condition of rhinorrhea (which is a runny nose, by the way, not when a certain gray-hued, one-horned Spider-Man villain is explosively incontinent).  Noooooooooo, she also had to show this slide...

 
Sooooo, between the program's exorbitant tuition costs ($9000.00 a year, zoinks!), the mind-numbing reward of doing glorified data entry and knowing I'd end up feeling more germ-infested then Howard Hughes, Health Information Management is a BIG thumb's down for me.   

EPIC: Whatever you wanna say about his skeezy interest in disproportionately and vaguely related young Asian girls, Woody Allen is still the prototypical hypochondriac.




FAIL: Here's a tip...don't FAIL
http://www.gotoquiz.com/are_you_a_hypochondriac


"Hey, kids, be the first on your block to collect them all!"
http://www.healthburp.com/diseases/10-rarest-diseases-in-the-world.html

Stalemate

Hey, y'all.

Well, just to let you know, my quest to try and figure out what I might go back to college for Rodney Dangerfield-style, has been going on all this time.

So much has transpired since I last wrote about this (http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.com/2010/11/i-just-hope-i-dont-end-up-like-hiromu.html), I feel as if the next two chapters of this woeful saga would be best rendered in a time-line format.  So here goes...

November 29'th

I have a meeting with my career transitions case worker to go over the results of a second Career Aptitude Survey.  Some tolerable "Pursue" recommendations include Manufacturer's Representative ("Look, just because the Ferris wheel rolled into the river it doesn't mean our bolts are to blame!"), Marketing Director  ("Our product only causes anal leakage now while jogging, how can we spin that?"), Advertising Account Executive ("It's the new and improved Slap Chop, now with 20% less suck!"), Media Executive ("Fox News, fair and balanced!"), Public Relations Director ("We truly believe that technology  is a tremendous boon for humanity here at Cyberdyne Corporation."), Corporate Trainer ("We truly believe that pharmaceutical bioengineering is a tremendous boon for humanity here at Umbrella Corporation."), Commercial Artist ("Hey, can I do a caricature of you for five bucks?"), Liberal Arts Professor ("So, basically, in ancient Greece, homosexuality was more commonly practiced then Sudoku."), Librarian ("Don't choo know de Dewey Decimal System!?"), Translator/Interpreter ("Shaka, when the walls fell!"), Writer/Editor ("Reeding bookz makz Inglish speeking gud!") and Architect ("Whups!  I fergot to drawr in some terlets!").

Some questionable "Explore" recommendations for me include Attorney ("I'm out of order?  You're out of order!"), Financial Planner ("Um, crazy idea here, but why don't you just stop buying stuff you can't afford?"), Hotel Manager ("Man, you do not wanna see what they pulled out of the drain in 204!"), Realtor ("Yep, this home sure is...homey."), School Superintendent ("Skin-NER!"), Secretary ("Only if I can train under Christina Hendricks."), Psychologist ("Vat ist ze nature of ze psychosis?"), Bank Manager ("Hey, look, I did find a way to take it all with me!"), Insurance Agent ("Well, sir, it says quite clearly here in section four, subsection 'B' of your policy that any claim you make will be ignored."), Retail Store Manager ("Please, kill me."), Accountant ("Please, I'm begging you, kill me."), Chef ("Mmmmm, just like mom used to boil!"), Restaurant Manager ("How the f#$@% did you manage to burn the ice cubes?"), Landscaper ("Okay, let's put a happy little tree right over here..."), Agribusiness Manager ("Hey, look, I made a tomater!"), Fashion Designer ("Fabulous!") and my own personal favorite...CEO!

Regarding the last one, I've been thinking about driving down to the headquarters building of Exxon Mobil, walking into their lobby and announcing: "I'm here, bitches!  Where's my penthouse office, $80 million dollar compensation package and private jet?" 

November 30'th

Since I hadn't "picked a specific program yet" for exploration I was prompted by the community college's website to sign up for a "General Information Session".  The introductory propaganda was actually quite amusing, since it featured rebuttals to the following hoary old myths: 

•  "Community college is for people who can't get into university."  FALSE!  
• "Community College is easier then university."  FALSE!
• "All Community College degrees come with rainbow clown wigs, squirting flowers and a free trained tutu-clad Pomeranian."  FALSE!  

Actually, I kid, there were some interesting stats.  For example, one-third of the student body has previously attended university or college, 96% of students would recommend their instructors and 94% of graduates found employment in Nova Scotia.

At which point in time the Dana Scully in me has to ask: "Okay, but what percentage are actually working in their field of study?"  Sorry, I know, sometimes I can be such a prick...   

Although the meeting that followed was facilitated about as well as I could have hoped, regrettably it only covered the same self-appraisal/occupational resource/life-wheel drawing crap that I'd already been doing for the past three months.  Since this whole experience was a total bust, I immediately made a one-on-one follow-up appointment with the councilor (who henceforth will be known as "Diego") for December 14'th, hoping to glean just a little bit more information on the five or six hundred programs I was still trying to decide upon.

Meeting low point: being asked to turn to our neighbor to discus "What brought you here and what questions do you want to have answered?", only to be confronted with an apathetic, pimply-faced teen who could only grunt and say "Um...nuthin'."

Quote of the evening: (from a clearly hung-over girl to her boyfriend during the 15 minute introductory presentation) "I promise not to throw up during this and embarrass you." 

December 14'th

I drive all the way over to the appointed campus across the pond for my afternoon meeting with Diego.  When I get there I'm stunned to find that he didn't come into work that day due to a power outage in his area.

Gee, it would have been swell if someone from the college could have given me a head's up on this so I didn't schlep all the way over there for nothing.  But, hey, whattaya gonna do?

His reply email is sincerely apologetic but he tells me he's booked up for the week leading up to my departure home for Christ...er, The Holidays.  The meeting is re-scheduled for January 2'nd.

January 2'nd

The meeting with Diego proves to be helpful, inspiring, eye-opening and, ultimately, a complete waste of time.  Previous to this, two other councilors helped me pare down a short list of programs I might be interested in.  This list was arrived at, in large part, due to the likelihood of receiving some sort of partial sponsorship for retraining through Career and Transition Services.  Thanks to their efforts I'd whittled things down to Architectural Engineering Technician, Environmental Engineering Technician (Water), Library & Information Technology, Business Administration, Human Resources, and Information Technology.

Now, for the purpose of taking sponsorship into consideration, my number-one choice, Screen Arts, (which hypothetically would give me the nuts n' bolts training to work in the local film industry) had already been completely jettisoned, but I kept it on the table just because it really does represent my one true passion.  In the meeting with Diego, however, he looked at my list of seven options and noticed that, in the immortal words of Big Bird "One of these things is not like the other."

"Hmmmm," he began, "I see you've included Screen Arts here, which is a bit of a departure from everything else.  How much of your free time would you say is dedicated to some pursuit regarding film?"

I paused for a second, raised the People's Eyebrow and then cautiously waded into a response to the curious question.

"Um, I dunno," I said, suddenly feeling like my lamentable, acne-ridden ward.  "If you take into account watching movies, reviewing movies, volunteering to do background work in movies, writing something that could possibly be turned into a movie, writing actual screenplays and whatnot, I'd say, oh, maybe about seventy percent of my time.  Easily."

"Well, I think you have your answer," he replied, adding fuel to my burgeoning fire of excitement.  "When I saw you come in here with all of this information you've researched and how well you'd organized all of your findings, I think that maybe some of these other options were worth looking at.  But frankly, I think you already know what you want to do."

Before I got too carried away, I explained my dilemma about being tempted with funding to study what the state considered to me more "practical".  He went on to tell me that I shouldn't dismiss the Screen Arts option outright, since he was personally aware of some students getting funding for such diverse programs as Culinary Arts (!).

"The powers that be are starting to realize that it doesn't necessarily make sense to give funding only for certain programs," he went on to explain.  "Often it's the equivalent of jamming square pegs into round holes.  Sure, these people get sponsored to fill some sort of manpower demand but what we've started to see lately is that a lot of them end up back at square one because the so-called 'practical' career they trained for either doesn't interest them or they aren't suited for it."

"Wow,"  I replied.  "That's pretty encouraging.  Frankly, the difference between me taking Screen Arts in September versus anything else is that if I was taking Screen Arts, I'd actually be excited to start school as opposed to feeling a sense of dread."

"Now I don't want to set up any unrealistic expectations," he cautioned, sensing that certain wild horses needed holding.  "Get in touch with the case worker who'll facilitate your application and find out for sure if it's a viable option."

Before I ran back across the parking lot yelling "WHOOP-WHOOP-WHOOP!" I had to ask:

"I was kinda hoping that, with your close proximity to the school itself, you might be able to answer a few lingering questions I have about each of the other programs, just in case I do have to pick one of them."

"Well, actually, I don't have much inside knowledge about the other specific programs you have listed here.  But frankly, I don't think you need any more information.  I think if you end up getting more information it's just going to result in more confusion and paralysis."

"Yeah!" I enthused.  "I agree!  That's exactly what's been happening to me lately!"  

I thanked Diego profusely, rushed home, composed an email to the appropriate councilor, sent it off, and then spent the rest of the day filling out the application.  The next day, this was his reply:

While any program recognized by the provincial department of education is technically eligible for consideration under Skills Development, there are some significant practical considerations that must be covered in the application. The application package must clearly define the specific reason why you are unable to find sustainable employment using your current marketable skills and assets, how the chosen training would help you to overcome each of them and how likely you are to find employment upon completion of the training. It is this last one that works against screen arts. The local film and TV industry was hit very hard by the recession and, coupled with the recently announced cancellation of the provincial rebates for film projects, there are very few opportunities in this field (as an aside, Culinary Arts, while a creative program, does qualify graduates for a specific type of employment)."

I sat staring at this for awhile, realizing that a response was futile and feeling somewhat defeated.

I then proceeded to sign up for three more information sessions that I wasn't really interested in.

EPIC:  "Hey, kids, wanna see what unrealistic fantasy job that doesn't exist in the real world that you should be doing?"
https://www.profiler.com/cgi-bin/ciss/moreform.pl?client=ncs&referrer=assessmentssite&page=index


FAIL:  Hey, who hasn't wished that they could just pee into their golf club?

I just hope I don't end up like Hiromu Naruse...

Hilsener, mine venner!

Well, on November 17'th I began the slow and arduous process of jettisoning my dreams.

A local community college here in Halifax offers a "Test Drive" option whereby potential candidates can go into the school, get paired up with a student, and attend classes for the day to try and get a feel for a specific program.  I guess some colleges offer this to cut down on the number of graduates who might realize, all too late, that perhaps "Parapsychology" might not have been the most practical degree to pursue after all.   

Actually I don't want to sound churlish here since I think it's a brilliant idea.  I wish the hell I had this option offered to me before I walked off the same precipice many High School graduates face every year.

As the day of my Test Drive arrived, I faced it with a mixture of dread and apprehension.  The last thing I wanted was to get handcuffed to some nineteen year old twinkie devoid of sage advice and with whom the only common ground I might hope to share is our mutual love of One Tree Hill.

Um...you should probably ignore that last part.   

Regardless of my trepidations, I went into the Information Technology campus last Wednesday, filled out enough paperwork to apply to CSIS and then waited to see who I'd get partnered up with.

Two potential mentors materialized at the appointed hour, the first of which I'll call Trevor.  Trevor seemed bitter, laconic world-weary and refreshingly candid, so naturally I hoped and prayed that he would be my guide that day.

The other option was an intense dude I'll name Marvin.  He kinda looked like the sorta gent who probably camped out for tickets to Attack of the Clones despite the ever-present risk of being tormented by  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.   During the entire time I was filling out my paperwork he kept sighing dramatically, breathing through his nose and lamenting that his last test drive candidate that was assigned to him vanished mysteriously last week after they said they were going home for lunch and then never returned. 

Hmmm, I wonder why?

By some random draw of good fortune Trevor was assigned as my overseer.  En route to the computer lab his insider knowledge proved valuable:

"It's kinda strange that they sent you here in the middle of the week in November.  We won't be doing a lot of typically IT stuff today.  In the first class we'll just be talking about some case studies for our Business Ethics class and doing some presentations later."

As we entered the classroom I just assumed that we'd have to sit up front where Marvin and his own academic Padawan were already ensconced.

"Naw, dude, follow me," Trevor said.  "This is usually where we all sit."

'Thank God', I thought to myself.  I used to curse mature students during my days at Saint Mary's.  It always annoyed me that they'd always sit up front, ask questions every forty seconds and indulge in flagrant ass-suckery.

"Good point," I enthused.  "We can definitely cause more trouble back here."
    
Trevor seemed bemused by my comment and soon I'd learn why.  After he helped me get logged in, he introduced me to his peeps before the class began in earnest.

They were some of the nicest people I've ever met.

I guess my biggest fear going into this was just being the only dude over thirty.  Mercifully, this 800 pound, over-the-demographically-target-aged gorilla was dispensed with right away.  Just as I proceeded to explain why I was there to the group, a guy likely ten years my junior said:

"Trust me, I'm an old dude like you.  You don't need to explain why you're here."

Fortunately, despite their relative youth, a lot of these guys had still been through their own share of "the shit" and knew exactly where I was coming from.  The only difference between me and them is that these guys had obviously come to their senses a lot quicker than I did. 

It didn't take me long to relate to every single one of them.  Like me, they'd all made well-intentioned miss-steps in a post-secondary world.  One guy who followed his heart and took a prior Culinary Arts program loved the course, but was then aghast to discover that his work term would be the equivalent of indentured servitude.   Even working in high-end restaurants the most he ever made was $12 an hour, working eighty-hour work weeks (!) in the environmental equivalent of a flash-fryer. 

"The attitude was that, eventually, maybe, after paying your dues for God knows how long you might build up enough of a reputation to open your own place or become head chef somewhere, but how long was that gonna take?  Three years?  Five years?  Ten?!?  F@#$% that!"

Another gent had invested a mint in tuition at a major Canadian University for a degree in Biology.  When he came back to the Maritimes he was horrified to discover that government cutbacks had gutted employment opportunities in the the science sector.  In fact, he talked about one scenario where two-hundred and forty people were in competition for the same job.

"The successful candidate had twelve years of practical experience," he went on to say.  "He actually wrote  studies on the exact same task he was hired to do."

Wowzers.  How the hell can you compete with something like that when you're fresh out of university, have no on-the-job experience and you're burdened with enough debt to sink Johnny Depp's yacht? 

One other guy just wanted to be a teacher.  Simple and noble enough, right?  Well, after paying his dues teaching overseas and working in close confines for paranoid bosses, he actually looked at the prospect for teachers in Nova Scotia.  It wasn't pretty.

"Oh, c'mon!"  I protested.  "It's gotta be good!  What about all the Baby Boomers retiring?"

"Yeah, you'd think that, right?  But then again, so did every other other person on the planet with a liberal arts degree who thought: 'Yeah, I'll pick something practical to fall back on, like a teaching degree!'  Well, due to cutbacks, the amount of in-demand teachers dropped, the competition went through the roof and most schools just retained their substitutes."

Amazing.  Although these guys were all extremely clever, well-spoken, well-written, and industrious (at least at face value), they'd also been burned by the worst lie adults can propagate on kids: "You can be anything you want to be."  Frankly, that's a load of Bantha shit.  I think everyone needs that sober voice of reason to come along at some point in time and say: "Look, I know you have a passion for what you want to do, but just know that your future career prospects for this are Jack and Squat, and Jack just left town."  

Now I know that sounds cold, but it was something I needed to be told about twenty years ago.  Please, parents, don't create unrealistic expectations.  I also don't think you should completely discourage creative types either, just let them know that there's no reason to pursue it unless they're completely passionate and have no interest whatsoever in doing it for the money.

So, in essence, what I'm saying is that we all need to find an in-demand job we can tolerate, which allows us to develop biddable skills that will serve as valuable commodities in the business world.  You wanna do something creative?  Well, that's fine, but you may just want to treat it like a hobby for the foreseeable future.  Don't abandon it, but it can sometime take years of diligent but part-time effort to establish a career in the arts.

I'll also tell you this right now: things sure have changed in a classroom since I've been in one.  Or maybe it's just the Community College atmosphere, I don't know.

When the instructor first showed up he spent some time talking about the timetable for the next few weeks, his expectations for the students and upcoming assignments that were due.  At first he spoke like a typical educator trying to wrangle control of his class as superfluous conversations broke out all around the room.  Then he said something that struck me as rather odd:

"I don't want to bother having to talk over people so if you need to talk that's what whispering is for."

This struck me as strange for two reasons (1) That people were actually bold enough to talk openly while the instructor was trying to speak (2) That he seemed cool with it as long as they weren't being too loud.

Any educator that I've ever had experience with in the past has been a strict disciplinarian who demanded undivided attention.  They would call your unruly ass out in front of everyone if you kept up with the jibber-jabber.  

After addressing all of us, the instructor spent the first half of the class talking to and addressing questions from my fellow Driver.  When he came down to the back of the class to see me I felt like shouting a head's up to all the people gathered around that were on Facebook, playing Flash games or checking out trailers for Green Lantern.

But then I realized: this guy doesn't give a shit what his students are doing, as well he shouldn't.  After all, they were all there on their own dimes so why should he care how they spent it?

This philosophy of treating people like adults extended to the methods of instruction as well.  Only the first few classes consist of straight-up lecturing.  After the instructors give their students the raw materials to do problem solving they then proceeded to test them systematically by throwing out scenarios for them to overcome.  The instructors still remain close by for assistance, but mainly they just let the students puzzle things out for themselves, nicely mirroring a real work environment.  Brilliant.

If you've read any of my previous posts about my university days (You can follow the Yellow Brick Road right here: http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.com/2010/05/skool-daze-part-i.html
Signed, The Ministry of Half-Assed Organization) then you know just how pissed off I was by professors who apparently wanted you to employ psychic powers to determine exactly what they wanted from you in exams, essays and presentations.  Even worse was the complete and total lack of continuity between profs when it came to things like content and format.


But not with these guys.  Every Case Study included a rubric which showed, in no uncertain terms, what mark you will receive based on real work environment expectations and just how close you came to fulfilling them.   In other words, if you're willing to follow instructions and work hard enough to demonstrate what's being asked of you, then you effectively have complete control over the mark you'll receive.

Anyway, we all had a good yarn about the the state of the labor market, the frustrating but very real presence of nepotism in Halifax, how expensive and impractical some of the pother schools can be and specifically what the college could do to prepare me for a career in the field of IT.  Not once did my bullshit detector go off.   
But, as you might expect, everything has a downside.  While the guys were finalizing their Ethical Case Study submission I asked if there was anything I might be able to do since I was kinda feeling like a fifth wheel.  After proofing two of their submissions (Great work, by the way, guys!), one of them suggested  that I try out a tutorial for a fairly approachable, general purpose programming language called Ruby.  Not having anything better to do I agreed to check it out.

And is was perhaps the most boring thing I've ever read in my life.

Now, don't get me wrong, I didn't get hung up on anything or fail to progress through the material.  It was just that half-way through the second page, my brain went into Test Pattern mode and I just wasn't retaining a single thing.

Listen, I love the creative applications that computers can provide, but that still doesn't mean I wanna assemble hardware or design a program that will make these machines sentient.  Maybe I've seen so many bad sci-fi movies that unconsciously I just can't go down that slippery slope. 

True to Trevor's word, the next class just consisted of guys just doing presentations.  They were all highly entertaining.  In quick succession I learned about such brazenly non-IT related things such as why we sleep and dream, how important a catalytic converter is to my car's exhaust system and how a piano-playing cat fits into the pantheon of internet memes.

These guys did a fantastic job, considering just how nervous they must have been.  I've been pretty upfront before in this blog about how terrified I was the first time I was asked to do a presentation in front of a group of people.  A lot of these guys were around the same age I was the first time I forced to confront this, one of the worst fears we're asked to face in our lifetime.

Although a lot of the presentations went over time and merely consisted of guys reading off a Powerpoint presentation screen, a lot of them incorporated humor, whether intentional or not.  The highlight for me came when one dude, who was doing a presentation on how microwaves work, kept insisting how important  the Megatron (not the magnetron) was in the proper generation of coherent microwaves.



Perhaps the most memorable thing, however, was the instructor.  I almost fell out of my seat when he reminded the class that cover letters and updated resumes were due next week.  Friggin' resumes and cover letters!   

I could only imagine how awesome it might have been when, in my last year of university, one of the profs asked us to submit similar material to them which they would then forward on to potential employers who were hiring in our field of study.  It was mind boggling.

"Listen, this is important," he said.  "I never know when my contact at say, Rim might send me an email asking me how many resumes I might have at any given time.  Sometimes I'll tell 'em I've got like...eight or twelve on hand and he might write back and say 'Okay, send 'em all over'."

Wow.  The instructor might have been completely oblivious as to why some of the students started to giggle when he observed 'how frequent the request for Rim jobs were becoming', but I was just as convinced that this guy knew the industry and tons of relevant contacts.

And that's what amazed me the most.  The students and faculty all seemed genuinely adept and interested in working with computers in some capacity but not one of them had lost sight of the fact that, ultimately, they were all there to try and eke out a stable career instead of some kind of crappy McJob.     

When the day was done I was asked to fill out a survey asking: "Did this test drive allow you to decide conclusively if you will or will not apply for this program?".  The only answer I could give, in all honesty, was still:

"Unknown"

I still have many more avenues to explore.  Despite the fact I was encouraged by the welcoming students, the well-connected instructors, the evolved programmed learning techniques, the emphasis on independence and the laser-focus on career prospects, I still can't help but wonder if I'll have the aptitude and the passion required to see something like this through.

But at least I can say that I'm still on the track and I haven't wrapped my analogous car around a telephone pole yet...

EPIC:  I've never really been a huge fan of Green Lantern, but then again, I used to say the same thing about Iron Man.  The value of this flick really gonna be dependent on the charisma of Ryan Reynolds, which I think he has in spades...


EPIC II: Attack of the Clowns:  It's mutants like this that give Star Wars fandom a bad name.  I'm glad someone sicced Triumph on these losers...


Triumph The Insult Comic Dog - Star Wars
Uploaded by ZaraV. - See more comedy videos.

FAIL:  Speed kills, folks...

 

Dreams Die Hard

Greetings, Gregarious Gawkers of the Garbled!

Well, for the past few weeks I've been taking advantage of the Career and Transition Services offered by  one of the major community colleges here in Halifax.  In the first meeting with my Career Development Specialist (I'm not making that up, it says so right on her card!) we went over all the pie-in-the-sky results that fell out of my Career Matchmaker results (Conveniently covered here: http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.com/2010/09/tell-me-something-i-dont-know-please-im.html, Yer Ever-Lovin' Host).

We did this by using an Employment Prospects database which is supposed to house accurate labor market information about every possible career path.  If you want to have a boo, I've enlinkified if for you right here:  http://www.labourmarketinformation.ca/standard.aspx?ppid=57&lcode=eng&prov=&gaid=&occ=&search_key=1&pre_sel_criteria=0.

Just for fun, we looked at a few careers that I actually have a vested interest in (like Film Crew) and I was pleasantly surprised to see that it held the "Growing" status when we looked at Employment Prospects.

"Hold on for a second," my CDS said.  "You really need to look at the number of people in the province that are currently employed in that same sector to get a feel for the job market.  Then you need to check out how many opening's they estimate there'll be over the next few years."

I leaned forward into her computer screen as she conjured up the information.

"Hmmmm, it doesn't look very good," she said.  "According to this, in 2008, four-hundred and twenty eight people were employed in that industry.  They estimate that only sixteen openings will appear over the next five years."

Sixteen?  In half a freakin' decade?  Cripes...

I expressed despair that the results I was most interested in would all be ruled out by this devil database.  She tut-tutted my concern.

"Let's not take anything off the table just yet.  Your level of interest is still a very important factor.  I'm going to give you some homework.  Research all of your results by running them through this database.  Hopefully you'll find something that will strike an acceptable balance between your desire to find a practical career and something with a creative bent."

I did one better then that.  I also went through every one of the programs and courses offered by the college as well.

I started by eliminating everything that I had no interest in.  This instantly ruled out any the following career nightmare scenarios:

•  A plane goes down in a fiery ball of ruin just because I had a bad day and didn't tighten a lugnut.
• A set of stairs in an apartment complex collapses because I didn't "carry the two."
• Counseling people that are strung out on Oxycontin and have a live mail carrier buried somewhere in their backyard and time is running out.  
• Examining fluids produced by the human body.
• Cleaning up fluids produced by the human body.  Let's just say that anything bedpannish is right out. 
• Grooming another human's body.
• Embalming a dead human's body.
• Sticking my hand into another human being's mouth (or any other orifice for that matter). 
• Something that would threaten to turn me into a suit-and-tie-wearing douchebag. 
• Anything involving fashion, hair, makeup or interior design.  Look, it's not like I'm not confident in my masculinity, I just have all the taste of a low-fat rice cake.
• Anything involving tiny insane people (i.e. kids).
• Careers involving copious amounts of electricity.
• Office administration.  Frankly, the embalming route is more attractive to me than this.    

So, with these things duly excised, here's what I was left with.  Below you'll see the program/course name, the employment prospects, my interest level ("5" being "Yes, baby, YES!"/"I'll have what he's having!" and "1" being "Sure, whatever.  Let's boogaloo 'til we puke.") and finally a brief description (since I had no  f#@$%^&amp clue what half of these meant myself):

American Sign Language/English Interpretation 
Prospects: FAIR                    Interest Level:  3
This would be for translators, terminologists and interpreters.  One minor stumbling block (as I'm fond of saying): "I'm bilingual...I can't speak either language!"  Also my current repertoire for sign language is limited to obscene gestures.

Architectural Engineering Technician               
Prospects: GOOD                  Interest Level: 2
This would involve all aspects of building design, construction and inspection.  Frankly, it's a bit too close for comfort to my second objection in the bullet list above.

Baking/Pastry Art             
Prospects: FAIR                     Interest Level: 1
My significant other asked me to bake a special birthday cake for her this year.  I told her: "Look, you don't want me to do that unless you never wanna see another birthday."

Cooking/Culinary Arts          
Prospects: GOOD                   Interest Level: 3
When my kitchen is clean and I have all the ingredients I need I actually love to cook.  I'm very good at it.  Just don't ask me how many oven mitts, cutting boards or plastic spatulas I've sent to an early grave, m'okay?


Computer Electronics Technician
Prospects: FAIR                      Interest Level: 3
I'd be working with hardware, software, electronic widgets, and networks, to repair and maintain computer electronics.  Trouble is, to me, computers are like cars.  I turn the key, the f#@$%^ starts and I'm off to the races.  Could be a cotton candy machine under the hood for all I know (or care).

Computer Service Technician
Prospects: GOOD                   Interest Level: 1
This course is designed to develop your technical and customer service skills so that you become the company's "go-to" guy.  Translation: "I appreciate your call to our technical support line today but if you seriously thought your computer's disc drive was a beverage holder I'm afraid I'm going to have to laugh in your face and hang up on you now, okay?  HAW!" *CLICK*

Digital Animation
Prospects: FAIR                    Interest Level: 5
Work in a real studio environment to develop your aptitude for the art of visual storytelling by honing your  creative and technical skills required for a job in animation.  Now we're cookin' with gas!  I'd really be down with the clown on this one.

Drafting (Architectural or Mechanical Flavors)
Prospects: FAIR                    Interest Level: 3
Prepare working drawings for buildings or mechanical devices using Computer Assisted Drafting.  Which begs the question: what's the point of drawing something if you have zero interest in what you draw?  Hmmmm?  Hmmmmm??!

Environmental Engineering Technology - Water
Prospects: GOOD                 Interest Level: 4
I'd become an engineering technologist by protecting, preserving, developing and directing the usage of this life-giving resource.  After graduation I could become an eco-crusader and change my name to "Hydron" or "Captain Moistpants".  Er, on second thought, "Hydron" will do.  Bonus points: my astrological sign is a Water sign.  OMG!

Health Information Management                 
Prospects:  FAIR                  Interest Level: 3
Use computers and empirical data to improve health care delivery from a managerial and financial standpoint.  Hey, looks like I can do my best to improve society and maintain a healthy distance from you germy bastards after all!

Geographic Sciences - Cartography Concentration
Prospects: FAIR                    Interest Level: 3
With this I'd design and compose maps that are both aesthetically pleasing and practical.  My first step: making a map that you can actually fold back into it's original shape.

Graphic & Print Production           
Prospects: FAIR to LIMITED          Interest Level: 2 or 5
Learn all aspects of the printing industry through on-site experience in print shops and similar work environments.  My level of interest is "5" if I could apply this to either my own (or someone else's) visual/graphic art, but "2" if all it does is qualify me to work at "Kinko's".

Horticulture (Landscape or Operations) 
Prospects: FAIR or LIMITED         Interest Level: 3
Landscaping, park maintenance, greenhouse operation or, live to dream, golf course attendant.  That's right, you too can be Carl Spackler from Caddyshack!

Human Resource Management                     
Prospects: GOOD                  Interest Level: 2
I'd be involved with recruitment, staff training, wage inquiries, performance appraisals, dispute moderation and also get to shit-can folks when my greedy company decides to ship all the job to Southeast Asia under the guise of remaining "globally competitive".

Information Technology - Database Management
Prospects: GOOD                 Interest Level: 3
Create, maintain, and manage the databases that protect and organize information for organizations.  This is so dull there isn't even a joke here.  "Nothing to see here folks, move along!  Go home and watch Hawaii Five-0 or something."

Information Technology - Programming          
Prospects: GOOD                 Interest Level: 1
Programmer, Programmer Analyst, or Quality Control Specialist.  "Hey, kids, wanna slowly go blind while staring at pages of indecipherable code looking for a needle in an electronic haystack?"  Frankly, I'd rather scrape my own genitals off with a salad fork...


Information Technology - Networking             
Prospects: GOOD                Interest Level: 3
Become proficient at managing major network operating systems and consolidating protocol.  I.E. excitement anti-matter.

Information Technology - Web Development   
Prospects: FAIR                   Interest Level: 4 
Become a Web Developer, Web Application Developer, or Website Designer.  Does anyone else find it ironic that the higher my interest, the lower the prospects are?  Why the f#@$% am I hardwired like this?!?


Library & Information Technology           
Prospects: FAIR                   Interest Level: 4
Technicians help certified librarians dispense the many services offered by libraries. They can also direct the efforts of staff, student interns, fellow techs and may also be responsible for a section of a library (or the entire library if it's "wee").  Hey, who wouldn't want to support an organization that provides free public access to books, CD's and (especially) DVD's?   It's holy work, I tells ya... 

Medical Lab Technician                  
Prospects:  FAIR to GOOD(insists my CDS!) Interest Level: 2
Do lab tests and investigations to diagnose, treat, and prevent disease.  See # 4 in bullet point list above. 
 
Medical Transcription                     
Prospects: FAIR                                         Interest Level: 3
Become proficient in medical language and provide accurate healthcare documentation.  Hey, if I ain't there to accurately interpret your Doctor's terrible handwriting on that prescription bottle you could end up growing (extra) bosoms!  Hmmm, why do I suspect that for many of you dudes out there this wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing?

Music Arts                                     
Prospects: LIMITED                                  Interest Level: 5
Get ready for an independent career in music by developing your business and self-promotion skills as well as your own, unique musical sound!   Y'know I've always wanted to be in a band.  I even have a name picked out for this eventuality:  Chainsaw Enema.  No?  Okay, how 'bout The Flaming Eureathras?   No?  Um, okay...   

Music Business                              
Prospects: LIMITED                                  Interest Level: 1
Learn the business skills needed to become an artist manager, agent, or publisher in the dynamic world of live and recorded music.  Watch the first 45 seconds of this video and you'll see why I rated this a "1".  Oh, and then watch the rest of the video, 'cuz it's good for ya.



Occupational Health & Safety          
Prospects: FAIR                               Interest Level:  3
Graduates are at the vanguard leading and developing safe and healthy workplace environments.  Not sure if I wanna be the corporate version of a Hall Monitor, though.

Paralegal                                                 
Prospects: FAIR                               Interest Level: 2            
This program would help me learn the process and procedures of a law firm and establish a comprehension of legal theory.  In my opinion there's only one thing worse than being a lawyer: being a lawyer's butt-monkey.


Photography                                            
Prospects: LIMITED                        Interest Level: 4
Balance creativity, composition, lighting and technical know-how to produce professional-level photos.  I would actually like to do this, so that's why the prospects are "LIMITED"  Grrrrrrrrrrrr....  

Power Engineering                                   
Prospects:  GOOD                           Interest Level: 3
This would prepare me to safely and efficiently maintain and operate power, refrigeration, natural gas, and air compressor plants.  Now if the prospects of Your Humble Narrator appointed to some level of responsibility at one of these facilities scares you half as much as it scares You Humble Narrator then I think it's safe to say that we're all on the same page on this one...

Public Relations                          
Prospects: FAIR   Interest  Level:  4 for Communications, otherwise 2
Develop your tools of communication to help companies map out objectives, implement strategic plans, and measure results.  Could also be interpreted as: Develop your bullshit skills to help companies get away with corporate crime.  I'm just sayin', is all.

Radio and Television Arts       
Prospects:  FAIR to LIMITED                         Interest Level:  5
Forge the knowledge and skills required to work behind the scenes or on-air in the realm of radio and television.  In a relevant point, two of my heroes are Ron Burgandy and Dr. Johnny Fever.  'Nuff said.

Recording Arts                                        
Prospects: FAIR                               Interest Level: 4
Learn the creative and technical aptitude to work in music recording/production by employing state of the art equipment.  Y'know, I've always dreamed about legitimizing my penchant for screaming "MORE COWBELL!" randomly in public.

Screen Arts                                             
Prospects:  FAIR                               Interest Level: 5+
Write a script, build and dress sets, lens and edit a film, co-ordinate a production.  No word of a lie, I truly believe that this program was the reason I was put on this earth.

Well, when I showed my Case Worker these results, she immediately eliminated all but nine options:

• Architectural Engineering Technician
• Environmental Engineering Technician - Water
• Health Information Management 
• Human Resource Management
• Information Technology
• Library and Information Technology
• Medical Lab Technician/Transcription
• Occupational Health and Safety
• Power Engineering

Now, trust me, she didn't weed out the other options to be mean.  She did it based on my request for  recommendations that will give me quantifiable skills, some level of sponsorship, and a chance at a sustainable career.

I just makes me sad that certain obvious options are staring me in the face and I have to turn my back on them.  Again.  I could claim ignorance when first I missed out on these opportunities when I was fresh out of High School, but what will be my excuse now if I don't follow my heart, Triumph-style?  Statistics?  Fear?  Reality?

I've been staring at this far too long.  It's like proof-reading a term paper a million times and being afraid to turn it in because you're convinced that you made some sort of fatal error.            

"I...I can't make a decision based on what's left," I told my case worker.  "There's no easy answer.  It's almost like I need to consult a psychic or something to take my indecision out of it."

But then I realized: I don't need a soothsayer or a seer.  My last entry proved that I have at least a small handful of readers, all in possession of more collective wisdom than I could ever hope for.

I have two possible avenues as I see it:

1. Pick a program that offers a chance for me to develop biddable skills, which hopefully will, in turn, translate into a long-term and fairly secure career at the expense of personal interest.  
2. Select a course that I'm hella-passionate about but will likely receive no funding for and represents a career that's tenuous at best.  

This is the only time I'll ever ask you to do something for me, I promise!

So, I put the question before you now, Charitable Readers.  Of the two options above, which avenue would you pursue if you were in my shoes?  I desperately need your advise, please! 

C'mon, it'll be fun, like those "Choose Your Own Adventure" books you used to read as a kid, except this time you'll be playing ducks and drakes with the life of a real, live human being!  C'mon, that's kinda cool, isn't it?  

Leave your comments below or shoot me an email at dlgcp@hotmail.com.  Don't just vote, let me know what you really think!  I'll share any feedback I get right here, other than messages like "YOU ARE TEH SUCK", since I'm already well aware of that.

Seriously.  I need your help here. 

I anxiously await the imminent tsunami of wisdom!     

EPIC:   Speaking of wisdom...




FAIL:
http://moneywatch.bnet.com/saving-money/blog/college-solution/the-best-and-worst-college-degrees-by-salary/577/