WTF?!?

Hello Fellow (Hopefully) Relatable Humans,

Due to my pathological aversion to the cold I usually get hideously sedentary every winter, resulting in my blood slowly turning into gravy over the course of five months.  With the temps routinely turning north of zero once again, I've been trying to walk as much as possible to try and stave off the chest pains which now seem to accompany every effort to open a jar of pasta sauce.

Unfortunately walking in my neighborhood kinda sucks since I only have three options:

(1) Walk through the ironically-named Fairview.  To be honest, Fairview has improved considerably as of late but pedestrians still routinely risk being turned into a speed bump at the corner of Titus and Dutch Village and/or witnessing the sort of domestic disturbance which necessitates a mandatory court appearance.

(2) Hoof along the Bedford Highway and get black lung from vehicle exhaust and spend what's supposed to be a leisurely and relaxing stroll picking gravel out of your hair and bugs out of your teeth.

(3)  Climb the Mount Doom-like edifice of Lacewood Drive.

I often go with this third option since, if I can achieve the apex, I'm treated to a veritable nirvana of urban blight.  After absorbing some caffeinated ambition and a dash of local color at Tim Horton's (courtesy of the "Sign of Evil Number Forty-Three"-spouting clientele) I can then enjoy a pleasant walk back home by cutting across the glorious flatlands of Dunbrack Street and then basking in the "it's-all-downhill-from-here" glory of Glenforest Drive.

The other day I was puffing my way up Lacewood, just minutes away from my final ascent.  I remember feeling supremely proud of myself since, thus far, I'd managed to resist the temptation to establish base camp half way up summit.  I was in the final stretch when a Honda Civic crested the top of the hill and went airborne for a second or two.  Instantly I assumed that "them Duke Boys" had been hit pretty badly by the economic downturn and had traded the General Lee in something more fuel- conscious.

The rice rocket slalomed down the serpentine twists of Lacewood Drive at an impossible rate, approaching a fellow mountain climber who was trudging head-down about four hundred yards in front of me.  Suddenly I heard a blood-curdling scream come from the car and the poor bastard walking in front of me flinched like a cat hit by a tazer.  He leapt off the sidewalk onto the grass, threw his back pack down and then glared after the speeding car.

Thus warned I steeled myself as the Honda Silly barreled down the hill towards me, it's half-dozen superfluous spoilers now keeping the vehicle glued to the track like an AFX Race Car.   As it drew closer I could see that it was packed with about six or seven J. Crew-clad, ball-cap wearing, date- rapist types who's idea of rebellion was trying to scare the fertilizer out of people already burdened by our then six-week-long Public Transit Strike.

As they approached, the car slowed down incrementally so that the leering, block-headed douche-bag in the passenger seat could lean out the window and do his best Ric Flair impersonation into my face.  Even knowing that it was coming, I still recoiled back a bit from his blatant display of rampant assholery.    

Besides wanting to find the closest rock and huff it through their rear window, I was just left wondering: why?  I would never do anything like that to some poor downtrodden f#@k trying to walk up an incline that blurs the distinction between steep hill and cliff face.    

But then it got me thinking, in the grand scheme of things, there's plenty of things my follow human beings habitually do that I find to be completely baffling.  Here are just a few things that make me indulge in some wanton head-scratchery...

(1) First off, I have no effin' clue how Canadians could ever find this more compelling and scandalous then this.

(2) I have no idea why someone would ever utter such naked hatred on the radio:



Furthermore, I can't rationalize why someone would be sponsored to spray such on-air invectives.  Regardless of how woefully antiquated Rush' rant seems to be, you know that there's an entire army  of dick-heads out there who think that their craziest, most fevered thoughts have somehow been legitimized just "'cuz I heard it on the radio."

Oh, and I also have no clue why someone would chose the music of Peter Gabriel, Rush and Rage Against the Machine to serve as a soundtrack for the proclamations of a drug-addled hate Nazi.  Oh, I know why, it's because they'd be left with nothing but the oeuvre of Tony Keith and Ted Nugent, which, frankly is a fate worst then death.

Speaking of...

(3) I have no clue why you'd risk dain bramage by listening to this shite:



When you could just as easily listen to this:



See what I did there?  See how one thing causes the spirit to soar while the other causes your brain cells to recoil like a hamster from an acetylene torch?

(4)  I have no idea why folks like to hate on gay people:







And I really can't wrap my head around Michelle's stance since her husband is so obviously sporting a case of "Methinks Thou Dost Protest Too Much"-itis:



(5)  I have no idea why you'd watch this movie:



When you can watch ANY OTHER MOVIE ON THE F#@KING PLANET.  Like this one for example:



(6)  I don't understand NASCAR.  Sorry, I just don't.  Maybe if I was a gear-head or lived below the Mason-Dixon line, I'd be more predisposed to it.  But as it stand right now, I just can't see the appeal of corporately-shellacked cars driving around and around in circle for four hours.

I also can't rationalize NASCAR's inexplicable popularity here in Canada, kinda like how I fail to understand hockey's popularity in places without naturally occurring ice.

OooOoooo, wait.  Bad example.

Anyway, as close as I can tell, there's only really one reason to watch NASCAR.  And if George Carlin is right, well then, that's just a tad ghoulish, dontcha think?



(7)  I also have no idea why someone would willingly subject their ears to this:



When infinitely more superior options exist:



Hey, didja notice how one of those had a soul and the other kinda sounded like the musical equivalent of someone under hypnosis?  Hmmmm, interesting.  Very interesting.

(8) And I really struggle to wrap my head around this one:



Or this, as a corollary:



Basically I can summarize my confusion thusly: I don't understand how people can be so convinced that they're right about something and so convinced that everyone else is wrong.

(9)  I have no clue why someone would listen to this shite for "pleasure":



When you have pop artists out there who are still willing to display a modicum of wit and an ear for composition...



(10)  And I don't understand why everyone is so hot and horny to engage in another ruinous war:



Well, everyone except maybe good ole' Ron "Media Cellophane" Paul:



Seriously, can someone please explain this stuff to me!?!  Me am very confused...

EPIC   Face it, frat boys, there's only one dude on the planet who can say "WOOOOOO!!!!" and get away with it in style...



FAIL  Seriously, WTF!?!   (NSFW, BTW)

WikiLies

G'day, Mates!

Again, Kind Readers, I must beg your indulgence.  The regular broadcast of "You Can't Get There From Here" will be preempted this week so that we may bring to you the following special presentation...

I've railed before about the sad state of modern investigative journalism but the reaction to this recent spate of WikiLeaks by the media (or lack of reaction as the case may be) has really put a hornet in my toque.

Dontcha think it's kinda funny that all of the major media outlets are talking about how awful WikiLeaks is and how much of a demon Julian Assange is instead of actually talking about what WikiLeaks is supposedly revealing?

Honestly, how many people out there have actually seen this little bombshell...

No?  Hmmmm, what a shocker...

I remember how jarring it was the first time I witnessed this scene in Stanley Kubrick's Full Metal Jacket:

Like the passenger in the helicopter, I almost threw up when I watched this.

So here we are, confronted by a real-life version and for some reason we aren't hearing about it or talking about it.  The sad thing is, if you hunt hard enough, there are other leaks that are just as despicable or galling, such as what's discussed in this report on Fox News of all things:

And here's another:



So I just want to put this question to you, Bright Readers.  If the information being released by WikiLeaks is such a subversive powder keg then why are the major media outlets more keen to talk about debating the ethics of releasing the information or examining the scruples of Julian Assange versus actually reporting the leaks themselves!

Now I'm not saying that Assange is some sort of paragon, but since we seem to have no investigative journalism or government transparency anymore I believe that what WikiLeaks is doing is critically important.  Essentially it's rubbing our collective noses in just how ignorant and resigned we've all become to what our elected officials and captains of industry are doing unmonitored behind closed doors.

Here's another recent news break that's barely getting coverage.  Remember the G20 event in Toronto back in June?  Do you remember how the mainstream media seized on that small group of anarchic yahoos and showed images incessantly every night of these clowns smashing the windows of a Starbucks ("GASP!") or burning police cars ("M'eh.")?  It was almost designed for the casual viewer to glance at this, tut-tut and declare: "Look at that pack of savages, they're a friggin' embarrassment!"      

What they didn't see was that the vast majority of the 10,000 or so peaceful protesters showed up because:

• G20 countries are responsible for more than 85 per cent of global military spending and 95 per cent of global arms production.
•  The G20 directs the efforts of the World Bank and the International Monetary Fund.  These organizations give loans to poorer nations of the world with all sorts of interesting clauses attached, clauses that create exploitative inroads for mega-corporations, curtail funding on education and health care, soften up environmental guidelines and labor laws, export dirt cheap goods to the the richer nations of the world and subsequently undermine our own domestic industry.   Why do this?  Simply to have the globe's poorest nations subsidize the richest in a vicious circle of economic extortion. 
• There's nothing even vaguely democratic about the G20 process.  At all.  The meetings are secret, our elected officials arbitrarily decide on everything behind closed doors and then they decide what to tell us about it.   

And frankly I find this scarier then all get out.

Even though there were tons of illegal arrests happening during the protests, we only heard any real dissenting voice last week when Ontario's ombudsmen released the following report: 




I'm sorry, but doesn't this terrify anyone else?

And this recent revelation just blows me away:

I can't believe the friggin' Liberal party rolled over and died on this issue.  Actually, that's not entirely true. Anyone who thinks that there's actually some sort of distinction between the major Canadian political parties nowadays is sadly misinformed.

I think it's hilarious that this time last year Steven "Malamute Eyes" Harper was playing hardball about the departure date of our troops, and then, all of a sudden, last month it suddenly becomes imperative for us to stay until 2014.  WTF!?

Hmmmmm, I wonder if it might have something to do with this...

Or this?

Or this?

Are there really still people out there who truly believe that we're in Afghanistan solely to bring democracy to an oppressed people, capture a kidney-deprived dude in a cave and/or protect our own borders from Islamic extremists who apparently want us all dead just because we have a Cinnabon in every mall?  Is that really what we have to believe in order to turn a blind, uninformed eye and let us sleep comfortably at night?  Well, frankly, I don't want our troops to be the fall guys for shady, Machiavellian economic and political chicanery anymore.  Enough is enough.   

Look, you don't have to be a correspondent for "60 Minutes" to see that there's a pretty obvious story here.  So, why the f^%$^ aren't we getting this perspective on the news every night and reading about it in the papers every morning?

Well, mainstream media might not be willing to acknowledge the 800-pound gorilla in the room, but by golly, the independent, old-fashioned, shit-disturbing internet journalist of WikiLeaks and other sources sure do.

Which brings me to my final scary video:

Never forget, folks: "dissent is the highest form of patriotism".  Don't accept what you're told at face value.  Question, protest, investigate and stay vigilant...while we still can.

EPIC:


FAIL:   Will WikiLeaks prove to be the Reichstag fire of internet censorship?