Decision By Attrition

Greetings, True Believers!

Two more information sessions punctuated the end of my epic career exploration saga. I swear, the whole process has been the equivalent of Moses leading the Israelites out of slavery in Egypt to the Promised Land of New Glasgow.  


January 18'th (6 PM)

Still queasy from my Health Information Management test drive earlier that same day, I bus across the pond to an evening info session for Environmental Engineering Technician (Water). Here's the program's description from the college's guide:

"Water resources throughout Canada and the world are being impacted by stresses from population and technological growth, contamination and mismanagement, along with global climate change. The Environmental Engineering Technology - Water Resources program will provide you with the necessary skills, education, and training to be able to assume responsibilities as an engineering technologist in the management, protection, development, and use of this essential resource."

I wanted to check out this possible career path for two very important reasons:

1. I truly believe that one day pure water will be as scarce as gasoline was in the world of Mad Max.  Or, in our own world, for that matter.  Assuming you're aware of the concept of peak oil.  You are aware that we're eventually gonna run out of oil, right?  Hey, you wasteful twat in the Navigator, I'm talkin' to you!  Ahem.  Sorry. 
2. I'm a water sign.

Hey, these reasons are no less valid then the ones I eventually used to settle on my choice.  Stay tuned, kiddies, and don't skip ahead for spoilers!

After another threadbare 15-minute propaganda session we're led away by one of the program's instructors to a very official-looking lab.  En route I'm delighted to recognize a fellow survivor from my last place of employ.  She's already registered for the program but wants to check out the information session just to make sure "it's still for her".  She thinks I'll be "really good with this course" but almost in the same breath mentions   that she's already doing math upgrade classes to get the necessary accreditation to get into the program.  This isn't boding well.

In the lab are sinks, beakers, bunsen burners, mini ovens, and aquariums bearing bored-looking trout.  Extra bored.  As if I can tell.  Anyhoo, after a few cursory questions the gruff-looking instructor leads us all into an empty classroom for a proper Q&A.  Here's what I find out:

• There are numerous prospective employers in the Halifax area for those who complete the two-year program.  They include (but aren't limited to) SLR Consulting, SNC-Lavalin, the ESANS (the Environmental Services Association of Nova Scotia), CBCL Limited, the CRA (Canadian Revenue Agency) and, of course, the FGEFSRTEET(W)ARBAGA or the Fraudulent Generic Employer for Something Related To Environmental Engineering Technician (Water) As Represented By A Gratuitous Acronym.
• The instructor himself is awesome: he's loud, clear, boisterous and gregarious.  There wouldn't be any nappin' in this dude's class, lemme tell ya!     
• Typical careers that may result from your study include doing water testing for the Halifax Water Commission, Environmental Technologist, Project Manager, Lab Operator, Lab Technician, Treatment Plant Operator, and Prehensile Titanium-Niobium Tentacle-Equipped Mad Scientist.  
• "Who gives a s#!%?  How much does it pay already!"  Starting wage is typically $35,000 to $45,000 a year.  Cha-ching!  Halifax Water Commission water testers earn about $25.00/hour.  Mad scientists earn about a billion dollars per extortion/ransom.  
• Current job prospects...wicked awesome.
• Required math skills.  To quote the instructor:  "Relatively high.  Higher then construction, imagery work or architecture.  In fact, I'd say that this is the most rigorous program at the college."  To which my internal Lost In Space robot starts screaming "Danger, Will Robinson!  Danger!"  Entrance requirements demand High School Advanced Math, which I actually do (technically) have.  Now, I have to confess that's kinda like saying: "Yeah, I managed to jump over Snake River Canyon but I kinda wrapped my Sky-Cycle around a mesa and now they gotta feed me through a tube."  As if what the instructor has already said isn't daunting enough he then has to go ahead and use the "C"-word.   Yes, that's right, folks...calculus.   Frankly this was as much of a game breaker for me as that friggin' slide of the dog with ectoplasm coming out of his snout.  You're welcome, by the way.   Please stop sending me angry emails. 
• In addition to full-time class hours, Student sin the program can expect to do about ten to fifteen extra hours of homework. Jesus, how can I be expected to go Back To School  Rodney Dangerfield-style (with all the requisite "partying down" this entails) with so much homework?  "No respect, I tells ya..."
• The academic year started with thirty-two students.  Only twenty-one remain in the second year and out of those twenty-one students, only six are still clinically sane.

On the way out, my fellow work parolee says:

"Wow, wasn't that fantastic?"

"Sure was.  It certainly made up my mind," I replied. 

"Awesome!  When I was talking to admissions last week they said this program fills up pretty quick.  You may want to get your application in as soon as..."           

"Oh, I'm not applying to this, are you nuts?"  I laughed.  "If I drag my sorry, academically flabby, prehistoric ass back to college, there's no way I'm gonna be totally miserable and possibly borderline suicidal the whole time.  F#@$ that, noise!"

Hmmm, in retrospect, that may have sounded a tad discouraging to her...

January 19 

I'm back in my usual seat same Bat-time, same Bat-channel the following night for my final information session: Screen Arts.  Yes, that's right, the same Screen Arts program that every one of my career transition councilors has been trying to systemically beat out of my head as an option for the past four months.

I decide to give the presenter a break tonight and get up and do the fifteen minute introduction for him since I've committed the f#@$%^ thing to memory by now.

After Screen Arts is called, I go over to the instructor, who acts alarmed that I'm the only one who showed up for this particular information session.  Well, we're off to a promising start!

Despite the fact that there's only two of us, I have plenty of questions so there's never any dead air.  I continue to surprise myself lately.  I guess I've gotten to that point in my life where I feel less socially awkward then about 90% of humanity (including people who are older then me) in 90% of most social situations.  I used to be so shy, but now I'm a freakin' social butterfly.

He takes me on a tour of the film department.  I don't get to see the editing bays but he raves about how "state of the art" everything is, and frankly, based on what I'm privy to, I have no reason to doubt him.  He takes me onto a mock sound stage and I get to check out some props and scenery cobbled together by the students.  We drag a couple of chairs into the middle of the room and get down to brass tacks.  

Here's a summary of what I learn:

•  Upon completion of the two year program, the goal is to get hired by a local film production company in the hopes that when the next major Hollywood production comes down the pike (Read: the next Jesse Stone movie), your company will be hired and, subsequently, so will you.  At least, I think that's the theory.
• Pay as a starting union crew member is about $150.00 to $200.00 a day.  Not too shabby, but if you factor in the low end of that scale and the fact that it only takes a coupla months to shoot even a major film production, we're only looking at about $12,000.00 earned for one project. 
• Maximum class size is twenty seven students, currently the program has 16.  No surprise to me, 60% of the students are only one or two years out of High School.  Wow, I can just imagine what realistic, slice of life, laconic films these grizzled veterans must be producing every year.  
• Although there are certainly only a finite number of positions available on any given production, the Screen Arts program cross-trains students in a variety of different roles, whether it be editing, sound, set design, construction, and craft services complainer.  Sorry, I know I've only been on three film sets but on every one, some d-bag was just standing around bitching about the food even though it was awesome.  Assholes.
• The instructor claimed that even when large productions aren't in town to give employment opportunities, you do so much networking over the course of the two year program that you often end up working on your friend's projects and vice versa.  Of course, this could mean working for peanuts.  And that would really suck 'cuz I'm allergic to peanuts.

 Now perhaps the most eye-opening bit of info: the instructor maintains that out of the last graduating class, only three felt compelled to leave for Toronto or Vancouver to get a job.  It goes back to the previous comment about networking for freelance opportunities.

"Frankly it makes a lot of sense for them to stay here.  After all, if they leave for another city they have to start the process of networking and making connections all over again."

This makes sense, but I'm left wondering about what sort of jobs the "all but three graduates" are working at.  Is this my own skeptical voice at work or the voice of my councilors who know I won't get sponsorship for something so blatantly "artsy-fartsy"?

I thank my host and although we wrap up early I still feel a tad guilty keeping him as long as I did.  But, hey, I needed to get all my questions answered and I wasn't about to leave until I grilled this dude like a cheese sandwich.

January 25

I meet with my career transitions councilor and she prods me for a decision on what I want to go back to school for.  I tell her I've certainly ruled out Health Information Management and Environmental Engineering Technology and stall for more time by telling her that I'm going to consult with three industry professionals for more information about careers in IT.  Unbeknownst to her, this merely consists of me sending an email to three of my friends about how much they think their respective jobs suck.

In what I'm sure is a completely unrelated announcement my councilor tell me she's retiring in a few weeks and I need to make up my mind by then.  I feel like screaming in her face: "Cripes, what's with all the friggin' pressure, lady?!  I've only had five months to work on this.  Sheeeesh!"   

For the record, these councilors also don't like it when you tell them that you plan to make a final decision by assigning the numbers one to six to your options and then rolling an over-sized novelty foam die down the hall in order to "determine the winner."   Yeah, they don't think that's very funny.    

January 27

I start to get responses back from my three insiders RE: the following informal survey:

1. What are your main duties?  Besides playing boardgames at work that is...(name withheld to protect the not-so-innocent).
2. Generally what skills/qualifications/experience is needed?  Are math skills important for coding?  By the way, if your answer to the first question is "hard knees and suction power" I'm taking something else...        
3. Without getting two specific can you give me a general idea about entry-level pay in your industry?  Feel free to scan and email over one of your pay stubs... 
4. Does your employer prefer certain specific schools/accredation?  Or am I okay going with Beothuk Data Processing?  They do still exist, right?    
5. What are the job prospects like for what you do?  What about the next few years?  Are there any particularly "hot" specializations right now?  Are you sick of these questions already? 
6. How do you feel about your current employer?  Try to avoid gratuitous use of the word "f#@%tards" if possible... 
7. What do you like most about the work?  What sucks big hairy knutz about it? 
8. How do you think the job will change over the next 10 years?  Use those psychic powers! 
9. What personal qualities are required to succeed in this line of work?  Knowing me like you all do, do you think I can do it and what do you think my own personal challenges would be?  What sage advice would you give to someone who wants to persure your line of work?  Hopefully you all won't reply "RUN!" 

Oh, by the way, I've set this Monday as my deadline to decide so please send back as much info as you can muster before then.  And remember, your replies will have direct impact on my future, so...no pressure!  Kidding!

Some eye-opening replies include:

• "Positive energy is key, I spend a lot of time in front of customers and they need to see me as their personal technical guru.  Inspiring confidence and trust (along with other soft skills) are just as important as any of the technical stuff"
• "A hot career path right now is in social media.  Awesome people doing an awesome job.  Social Media analysts answer questions on Twitter, Facebook, Forums and blogs.  Awesome.  I've never seen them do it, but they're generally happy people."
• "Don't you have anything better to do?  Why aren't you watching crappy daytime T.V., eating corn chips and masturbating like every other unemployed slob?"

In light of such responses, I'm now ready to publicly declare my decision.  

February 1'st           

Without any specific instruction, I show up for my final meeting with my career transitions councilor with my "Career Assessment Report" not filled out to completion.

 "Well, I just filled out the part of the report that I decided on.  What's the sense of filling out the other two options if I'm not going to pursue them?"

My persistently patient councilor casts a world-weary sigh skyward.  I'm sure she's counting the seconds before she runs screaming out of the office, drives to airport and climbs onboard a plane to Florida like one of the Ramones.  I notice she hasn't even turned her computer on.

"You need to fill in the details for the other two occupations to show that you've done some comparative research." 

She leaves me alone for ten minutes and I scramble to fill out the balance of the document from memory.  When she bursts back into the office earlier then promised she catches me cheating using her encyclopedic Canadian Guide to Job Prospects tome to fill out the last few "What skills or qualifications are needed?" blocks.  Awkward!

I'm sure she was of two minds when signing off on the report.  On one hand she was probably pretty depressed that this moment would serve as the exclamation point on an otherwise stellar career.  On the other hand, by signing her name on that report, the thought of never having to deal with my indecisive ass ever again likely promised a rush of endorphins that would make sky diving look like making toast.

I walked out of her office with the precious document in hand.  I had made my decision.

Come September 1'st, I would be perusing the Information Technology program at my local community college.

May God have mercy on my soul.     

EPIC:  Oh, Orion pictures, how I miss thee...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iRpUAdI_F_o&playnext=1&list=PL6C06AD3378261B9B

This trailer embodies similar expectations RE: my return to college...


FAIL:  How we take our water resources for granted is well documented in this tremendous documentary...

I just hope I don't end up like Hiromu Naruse...

Hilsener, mine venner!

Well, on November 17'th I began the slow and arduous process of jettisoning my dreams.

A local community college here in Halifax offers a "Test Drive" option whereby potential candidates can go into the school, get paired up with a student, and attend classes for the day to try and get a feel for a specific program.  I guess some colleges offer this to cut down on the number of graduates who might realize, all too late, that perhaps "Parapsychology" might not have been the most practical degree to pursue after all.   

Actually I don't want to sound churlish here since I think it's a brilliant idea.  I wish the hell I had this option offered to me before I walked off the same precipice many High School graduates face every year.

As the day of my Test Drive arrived, I faced it with a mixture of dread and apprehension.  The last thing I wanted was to get handcuffed to some nineteen year old twinkie devoid of sage advice and with whom the only common ground I might hope to share is our mutual love of One Tree Hill.

Um...you should probably ignore that last part.   

Regardless of my trepidations, I went into the Information Technology campus last Wednesday, filled out enough paperwork to apply to CSIS and then waited to see who I'd get partnered up with.

Two potential mentors materialized at the appointed hour, the first of which I'll call Trevor.  Trevor seemed bitter, laconic world-weary and refreshingly candid, so naturally I hoped and prayed that he would be my guide that day.

The other option was an intense dude I'll name Marvin.  He kinda looked like the sorta gent who probably camped out for tickets to Attack of the Clones despite the ever-present risk of being tormented by  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.   During the entire time I was filling out my paperwork he kept sighing dramatically, breathing through his nose and lamenting that his last test drive candidate that was assigned to him vanished mysteriously last week after they said they were going home for lunch and then never returned. 

Hmmm, I wonder why?

By some random draw of good fortune Trevor was assigned as my overseer.  En route to the computer lab his insider knowledge proved valuable:

"It's kinda strange that they sent you here in the middle of the week in November.  We won't be doing a lot of typically IT stuff today.  In the first class we'll just be talking about some case studies for our Business Ethics class and doing some presentations later."

As we entered the classroom I just assumed that we'd have to sit up front where Marvin and his own academic Padawan were already ensconced.

"Naw, dude, follow me," Trevor said.  "This is usually where we all sit."

'Thank God', I thought to myself.  I used to curse mature students during my days at Saint Mary's.  It always annoyed me that they'd always sit up front, ask questions every forty seconds and indulge in flagrant ass-suckery.

"Good point," I enthused.  "We can definitely cause more trouble back here."
    
Trevor seemed bemused by my comment and soon I'd learn why.  After he helped me get logged in, he introduced me to his peeps before the class began in earnest.

They were some of the nicest people I've ever met.

I guess my biggest fear going into this was just being the only dude over thirty.  Mercifully, this 800 pound, over-the-demographically-target-aged gorilla was dispensed with right away.  Just as I proceeded to explain why I was there to the group, a guy likely ten years my junior said:

"Trust me, I'm an old dude like you.  You don't need to explain why you're here."

Fortunately, despite their relative youth, a lot of these guys had still been through their own share of "the shit" and knew exactly where I was coming from.  The only difference between me and them is that these guys had obviously come to their senses a lot quicker than I did. 

It didn't take me long to relate to every single one of them.  Like me, they'd all made well-intentioned miss-steps in a post-secondary world.  One guy who followed his heart and took a prior Culinary Arts program loved the course, but was then aghast to discover that his work term would be the equivalent of indentured servitude.   Even working in high-end restaurants the most he ever made was $12 an hour, working eighty-hour work weeks (!) in the environmental equivalent of a flash-fryer. 

"The attitude was that, eventually, maybe, after paying your dues for God knows how long you might build up enough of a reputation to open your own place or become head chef somewhere, but how long was that gonna take?  Three years?  Five years?  Ten?!?  F@#$% that!"

Another gent had invested a mint in tuition at a major Canadian University for a degree in Biology.  When he came back to the Maritimes he was horrified to discover that government cutbacks had gutted employment opportunities in the the science sector.  In fact, he talked about one scenario where two-hundred and forty people were in competition for the same job.

"The successful candidate had twelve years of practical experience," he went on to say.  "He actually wrote  studies on the exact same task he was hired to do."

Wowzers.  How the hell can you compete with something like that when you're fresh out of university, have no on-the-job experience and you're burdened with enough debt to sink Johnny Depp's yacht? 

One other guy just wanted to be a teacher.  Simple and noble enough, right?  Well, after paying his dues teaching overseas and working in close confines for paranoid bosses, he actually looked at the prospect for teachers in Nova Scotia.  It wasn't pretty.

"Oh, c'mon!"  I protested.  "It's gotta be good!  What about all the Baby Boomers retiring?"

"Yeah, you'd think that, right?  But then again, so did every other other person on the planet with a liberal arts degree who thought: 'Yeah, I'll pick something practical to fall back on, like a teaching degree!'  Well, due to cutbacks, the amount of in-demand teachers dropped, the competition went through the roof and most schools just retained their substitutes."

Amazing.  Although these guys were all extremely clever, well-spoken, well-written, and industrious (at least at face value), they'd also been burned by the worst lie adults can propagate on kids: "You can be anything you want to be."  Frankly, that's a load of Bantha shit.  I think everyone needs that sober voice of reason to come along at some point in time and say: "Look, I know you have a passion for what you want to do, but just know that your future career prospects for this are Jack and Squat, and Jack just left town."  

Now I know that sounds cold, but it was something I needed to be told about twenty years ago.  Please, parents, don't create unrealistic expectations.  I also don't think you should completely discourage creative types either, just let them know that there's no reason to pursue it unless they're completely passionate and have no interest whatsoever in doing it for the money.

So, in essence, what I'm saying is that we all need to find an in-demand job we can tolerate, which allows us to develop biddable skills that will serve as valuable commodities in the business world.  You wanna do something creative?  Well, that's fine, but you may just want to treat it like a hobby for the foreseeable future.  Don't abandon it, but it can sometime take years of diligent but part-time effort to establish a career in the arts.

I'll also tell you this right now: things sure have changed in a classroom since I've been in one.  Or maybe it's just the Community College atmosphere, I don't know.

When the instructor first showed up he spent some time talking about the timetable for the next few weeks, his expectations for the students and upcoming assignments that were due.  At first he spoke like a typical educator trying to wrangle control of his class as superfluous conversations broke out all around the room.  Then he said something that struck me as rather odd:

"I don't want to bother having to talk over people so if you need to talk that's what whispering is for."

This struck me as strange for two reasons (1) That people were actually bold enough to talk openly while the instructor was trying to speak (2) That he seemed cool with it as long as they weren't being too loud.

Any educator that I've ever had experience with in the past has been a strict disciplinarian who demanded undivided attention.  They would call your unruly ass out in front of everyone if you kept up with the jibber-jabber.  

After addressing all of us, the instructor spent the first half of the class talking to and addressing questions from my fellow Driver.  When he came down to the back of the class to see me I felt like shouting a head's up to all the people gathered around that were on Facebook, playing Flash games or checking out trailers for Green Lantern.

But then I realized: this guy doesn't give a shit what his students are doing, as well he shouldn't.  After all, they were all there on their own dimes so why should he care how they spent it?

This philosophy of treating people like adults extended to the methods of instruction as well.  Only the first few classes consist of straight-up lecturing.  After the instructors give their students the raw materials to do problem solving they then proceeded to test them systematically by throwing out scenarios for them to overcome.  The instructors still remain close by for assistance, but mainly they just let the students puzzle things out for themselves, nicely mirroring a real work environment.  Brilliant.

If you've read any of my previous posts about my university days (You can follow the Yellow Brick Road right here: http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.com/2010/05/skool-daze-part-i.html
Signed, The Ministry of Half-Assed Organization) then you know just how pissed off I was by professors who apparently wanted you to employ psychic powers to determine exactly what they wanted from you in exams, essays and presentations.  Even worse was the complete and total lack of continuity between profs when it came to things like content and format.


But not with these guys.  Every Case Study included a rubric which showed, in no uncertain terms, what mark you will receive based on real work environment expectations and just how close you came to fulfilling them.   In other words, if you're willing to follow instructions and work hard enough to demonstrate what's being asked of you, then you effectively have complete control over the mark you'll receive.

Anyway, we all had a good yarn about the the state of the labor market, the frustrating but very real presence of nepotism in Halifax, how expensive and impractical some of the pother schools can be and specifically what the college could do to prepare me for a career in the field of IT.  Not once did my bullshit detector go off.   
But, as you might expect, everything has a downside.  While the guys were finalizing their Ethical Case Study submission I asked if there was anything I might be able to do since I was kinda feeling like a fifth wheel.  After proofing two of their submissions (Great work, by the way, guys!), one of them suggested  that I try out a tutorial for a fairly approachable, general purpose programming language called Ruby.  Not having anything better to do I agreed to check it out.

And is was perhaps the most boring thing I've ever read in my life.

Now, don't get me wrong, I didn't get hung up on anything or fail to progress through the material.  It was just that half-way through the second page, my brain went into Test Pattern mode and I just wasn't retaining a single thing.

Listen, I love the creative applications that computers can provide, but that still doesn't mean I wanna assemble hardware or design a program that will make these machines sentient.  Maybe I've seen so many bad sci-fi movies that unconsciously I just can't go down that slippery slope. 

True to Trevor's word, the next class just consisted of guys just doing presentations.  They were all highly entertaining.  In quick succession I learned about such brazenly non-IT related things such as why we sleep and dream, how important a catalytic converter is to my car's exhaust system and how a piano-playing cat fits into the pantheon of internet memes.

These guys did a fantastic job, considering just how nervous they must have been.  I've been pretty upfront before in this blog about how terrified I was the first time I was asked to do a presentation in front of a group of people.  A lot of these guys were around the same age I was the first time I forced to confront this, one of the worst fears we're asked to face in our lifetime.

Although a lot of the presentations went over time and merely consisted of guys reading off a Powerpoint presentation screen, a lot of them incorporated humor, whether intentional or not.  The highlight for me came when one dude, who was doing a presentation on how microwaves work, kept insisting how important  the Megatron (not the magnetron) was in the proper generation of coherent microwaves.



Perhaps the most memorable thing, however, was the instructor.  I almost fell out of my seat when he reminded the class that cover letters and updated resumes were due next week.  Friggin' resumes and cover letters!   

I could only imagine how awesome it might have been when, in my last year of university, one of the profs asked us to submit similar material to them which they would then forward on to potential employers who were hiring in our field of study.  It was mind boggling.

"Listen, this is important," he said.  "I never know when my contact at say, Rim might send me an email asking me how many resumes I might have at any given time.  Sometimes I'll tell 'em I've got like...eight or twelve on hand and he might write back and say 'Okay, send 'em all over'."

Wow.  The instructor might have been completely oblivious as to why some of the students started to giggle when he observed 'how frequent the request for Rim jobs were becoming', but I was just as convinced that this guy knew the industry and tons of relevant contacts.

And that's what amazed me the most.  The students and faculty all seemed genuinely adept and interested in working with computers in some capacity but not one of them had lost sight of the fact that, ultimately, they were all there to try and eke out a stable career instead of some kind of crappy McJob.     

When the day was done I was asked to fill out a survey asking: "Did this test drive allow you to decide conclusively if you will or will not apply for this program?".  The only answer I could give, in all honesty, was still:

"Unknown"

I still have many more avenues to explore.  Despite the fact I was encouraged by the welcoming students, the well-connected instructors, the evolved programmed learning techniques, the emphasis on independence and the laser-focus on career prospects, I still can't help but wonder if I'll have the aptitude and the passion required to see something like this through.

But at least I can say that I'm still on the track and I haven't wrapped my analogous car around a telephone pole yet...

EPIC:  I've never really been a huge fan of Green Lantern, but then again, I used to say the same thing about Iron Man.  The value of this flick really gonna be dependent on the charisma of Ryan Reynolds, which I think he has in spades...


EPIC II: Attack of the Clowns:  It's mutants like this that give Star Wars fandom a bad name.  I'm glad someone sicced Triumph on these losers...


Triumph The Insult Comic Dog - Star Wars
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FAIL:  Speed kills, folks...