Quest For The Cup

 
Hello, Faithful Friends.

I honestly didn't expect to be writing here again so soon but what can I say; some people like retail therapy and some people prefer writing therapy.

We're in an employer's market right now so articles about how aspiring job candidates can excel during interviews, make a good impression on the job, distinguish themselves from their peers and increase their work-place value are commonplace. Unfortunately, given our current economic climate, you really don't see a lot of write-ups that put the onus on the other side of the desk.  

So, you know me, wherever I see a glaring deficit I'm there to help.  As such, here's:

DAVE'S TOP TEN WAYS EMPLOYERS CAN FIND AND KEEP, HAPPY, PRODUCTIVE, LONG_TERM WORKERS:

1. "What Is Your Greatest Weakness" Is A Dumb-Assed Question Seriously, most behavioral interviews are ridiculous and waste gobs of time for employer and employee alike. Instead of asking about goofy, theoretical shit, take this opportunity to really dig into the applicant's resume. If the required duties and responsibilities for the position have been discussed and you've asked the applicant about relevant work experience and/or training, then their suitability (or lack thereof) should be blatantly obvious to the both of you. Now, I'm not saying that you need to grill the candidate like Claus von Bülow but if the interview is finished in the same time it takes to nuke a Hot Pocket or the interviewee tries to dis-spell a protracted moment of awkward silence with random questions about the weather, then may want to revise you interviewing technique.   
2. "Expectations" Are Called "Expectations" For A Reason The interview process is the perfect chance to clearly delineate the tasks you're hiring for. If the candidate has to come back to you days later in order to clarify a bunch of basic stuff, then you've missed your opportunity. If you insist on putting people through an interview process with more stages then a NASA training program, then at least have the decency to serve up all the shit-flavored hors d'oeuvres on your first date. Stop me if you've heard this one: you apply for a low-paying but spiritually-rewarding not-for-profit job. After two rigorous, stressful bouts of cross-examination, you're brought back for what you hope is your final interview. Then, just seconds before they offer you the job, they decide that now's the perfect time to tack on a few riders. Turns out they've recently "restructured the position" and in addition to your forty-hour work week and extensive travel time you're now required to "come back to the office at the end of each day" and "take care of any unfinished admin stuff that needs to be done" before you can go home. Please note that if you still have the cajones to reach across the desk, offer your open hand and and say "Welcome aboard!" after doing this then you risk being beaten to death with an industrial tape dispenser.
3. The Only Good Surprise Is A Paid Lunch Even more heinous then the scenario detailed above is troweling extra duties onto people before the ink on their contract dries. This can sometimes happen if you f#@ked up the aforementioned interview or someone else quit (probably for good reason). Now you're left in the lurch and instead of hiring someone else you start dumping extra tasks and responsibilities onto the heads of people who either didn't agree to this or aren't qualified to do them. Take note, kiddies, if you opt to go this route then you're essentially asking people to humiliate themselves for money like a bunch of dancing monkeys. For example, I did administrative troubleshooting and back-end customer service inquiries at a previous job. After another department folded, the high-profile / hot-potato duty of keying rush orders fell into my unsuspecting lap. Did this time-sensitive, high-stress responsibility come with higher pay? Nope. Would accepting this duty put a positive spin on my next review? Nuh-uh. No, it was just an unexpected and unwelcome dollop of poo that got ladled onto my crown just because I made the mistake of exhibiting competence and attention to detail. Word to all wannabe decent bosses out there: there's no quicker, more efficient way to turn a positive, energetic go-getter into a bitter, negative, underachiever. 
4. Don't Stick Their Nose In It As the former online retail manager, I used to be responsible for as many as one-hundred staff during the busy Holiday season. I've seen a lot, and I mean a lot, of employees do some supremely stupid things, some of which was willful and some of which was unintentional. Regardless, I never, ever chewed anybody out in front of their peers, co-workers or friends. For example, we had a strict "no eating at your station" policy so if a new hire f#@ked up and whipped out a sandwich at their desk, I'd carefully take them aside and politely remind them that they couldn't do that. Even if they tried to eat friggin' snow crab and ribs at their desk, I still wouldn't embarrass them in front of others. Remember what Yoda said: "Accusations lead to Embarrassment, Embarrassment leads to Resentment, Resentment leads to Hatred, Hatred leads to Rage-Quitting."  Or something like that...
5. Step Down From the Ivory Tower  If things get busy or hectic, don't just sit there and stare at your minions as they rush around like decapitated chickens. Even as managers at Sears, we'd often jump on the phones and take customer inquiries when things got hectic. At the very least you should walk around, check on your people, do what you can to help. Don't just sit there, lording your autonomy over everyone. Remember, these are your customers too. And just like in the military, nothing is more impressive to boots on the ground then someone who leads by example.
6. Being In Charge Means (Occasionally) Having To Say You're Sorry  In much the same way that employees screw up from time to time, you're bound to goof up as well. So, instead of trying to save face like a disgraced samurai, suck it up and apologize. In much the same way that most disgruntled customers are just looking for a simple apology, your chagrined staff will often be pacified by a straightforward "sorry". In a healthy work environment, offering up the occasional act of contrition shouldn't be a threat to your authoritah. And if it is then seek help 'cuz you prolly got ninety-nine problems and a few simple words shouldn't be one.       
7. Don't Poison The Well   It only takes one bad apple to poison an entire work environment so I'm here to tell ya, folks: festering rancor is the dry-rot of the modern workplace. As the boss, you need root that shit out before it takes hold. That means clearing the air, not just with the person you wronged but sometimes with the entire staff. Let me give you an example: a worker of mine named Thelma tells me well in advance that she can't work at an outlying location this weekend because her car's in the shop and buses don't run after midnight. After acknowledging this I make an honest mistake and schedule Thelma to work there by mistake. This prompts Thelma to point out my oversight, so I apologize and then tell her that I'm going to fix it. After many days of scrambling, I finally manage to convince another employee, let's call her Louise, to scrap her plans for Saturday night and cover it. In order to generate sympathy for my plight I'm forced to tell Louise that Thelma is a "diva" who was "too cheap to pay for a cab". Louise works the shift, but spends the entire eight evening wishing that something heavy would fall on Thelma, perhaps a piano or a safe. Sure you don't look bad in this Machiavellian scenario, but how long do you think it'll take before Thelma and Louise threaten drive your working environment's good vibes off of a cliff?   
8. Give Them The Benefit Of The Doubt  If you did a thorough enough job during the hiring process then you should know your staff well enough to let them be. Even if they screw up a couple of minor things, just chalk it up to nerves and move on. Now, if you haven't done a very good job during the interview process, you may be forced to accept the very real possibility that you've unwittingly allowed a super-strong, deranged, synthetic replicant android to infiltrate the workplace. See how important those Voight-Comp tests are now? 
9. Rise 'Em Up  As a corollary, if you see your peeps take the initiative or go above and beyond the call of duty, then it's time to make with the good karma, man. Now's not the time to be shy; open up yer word hole and say "Thanks!" or "Good Job!" or "Hey, Thelma, Nice Use Of Krav Maga There To Take Down That Shoplifter!"  Bonus points for doing this within earshot of as many other people as possible.
10. A Home Away From Home If your work environment is reasonably happy, harmonious and healthy, you'll end up reaping some pretty serious dividends. You'll won't need to urge your staff to "choose their attitude" because happiness will be their default setting. They won't mind staying a few extra hours, coming in on their day off or sticking around after work. Hell, if you follow my advice, your employees will become better ad agents for your business then Don friggin' Draper. 

Please note that all of this needs to be tempered should your hideously-inept interview process result in the retention of a chronically-late, narcoleptic, incompetent, kleptomaniacal, sass-machine. In that case start compiling the evidence for the prosecution, fire that mofo post haste and then, most importantly, learn from your mistakes.

EPIC  More sage advice.    

FAIL More stupid interview questions.

The White Flag

A assure you, that is John Cleese in this blurry-ass photo.

Greetings, Fellow Capitulators!

Back on the 16'th of this month I had the unique pleasure of seeing comedy legend John Cleese give a two hour presentation about his career. Interestingly enough, one of the most enduring themes of the show was the importance of luck.

According to John it was sheer kismet that his first stage show with the Cambridge Circus was elevated from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival to London's West End and then went on to tour extensively in New Zealand and on Broadway. It was pure good fortune when David Frost took John under his wing as a writer for The Frost Report where he met future collaborators Terry Jones, Eric Idle and Micheal Palin. And it was a masterstroke of fortuitous happenstance when Thames Television offered these four, enterprising young lads a blank check to produce a new show that would eventually be known as Monty Python's Flying Circus.

Although I suspect that John is short-changing his prodigious talent somewhat, I also believe that, no matter how good you are or how hard you work, sometimes you need someone with power and influence to recognize what you've got, validate your worth and give you a shot.

***        

Way back in April of 2010 I quit a lucrative-yet-thoroughly-despicable job and started writing this here blog. When I began, I had several lofty goals in mind. At first, all I wanted to do was vent about my miserable working career thus far. I also wanted to sharpen my writing skills, show that I could maintain a self-imposed deadline and avoid accusations of goldbricking. I didn't know what "goldbricking" was, I just knew that I didn't want to be found guilty of it.
 

But more then anything else, I really hoped that the blog would showcase my ability to string a sentence together. In turn I thought, rather naively, that someone in a position of influence might take notice of my previously-mentioned aptitude for sentence-stringablilty and offer me some sort of paying gig. Clearly this Pretty Woman-style scenario was the product of a fevered brain warped by watching one too many formulaic rom-coms.

Clearly, this delusion is entirely my own problem. Well, maybe writer J.F. Lawton deserves some of the blame, but mainly the onus is on this cowpoke right here.         

Alas this tacked-on, eleventh-hour, test-screened, feel-good, slap-happy ending didn't materialize for me. Sure, I made some cheddar from my book, a few shekels from the odd writing and editing gig, and a coupla bucks from the occasional background acting job but hardly enough money to be described as "sustainable". As a result, by savings account has taken more abuse then Bill O'Reilly's studio crew.     

As such, I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that I've been forced to seek out non-editing / non-writing jobs that pay me actual real money. The good news is that I've found something in an area of interest that just might dovetail with writing on the side. Details not to follow, BTW, so you can exercise yer nosy proclivities some place else. 

So what does this mean for the three blogs? Well, the most consistently popular in terms of overall traffic, the board game blog, will get top priority. The days of detailed session reports are officially over and game play recaps will likely be limited to a few paragraphs with more of an emphasis placed on information and reviews. Basically, quantity over quality will become the order of the day.

I've managed to maintain a fairly regular posting schedule for my entertainment-related blog thanks to a stockpile of older, pre-written reviews which I've been dusting off and posting. Also helping to keep me productive is a self-imposed restriction that I can't watch a new movie until I review the last one I watched. Needless to say, this is pretty masochistic for someone who could routinely spazz out on three or four movies in one sitting. All new reviews will be capsule-style without a great deal of synopsis or analysis, I.E. more like this and less like this.    

Which leaves me with the sounding board you're inexplicably wasting time on right now. Regular Readers have probably already noticed that my entries lately have dwindled down from once a week to twice a month and that trend is likely to continue. This gives me a raging sad-on since this blog is by far the one I enjoy writing the most. It's free-form, creatively unrestrained and the one which feels the least like work. 

Here's the bottom line: if time retrains dictate that I can either write a chapter for my new novel or espouse some crackpot theory about Syria, gun violence or the ravages of unchecked mailbox rust, I'll probably go with the former. In fact, it's distinctly possible that I'll never write anything for free public consumption ever again.
     

And so it ends. Schadenfreuders, start your engines! 

Now, just because I've temporarily thrown in the towel it doesn't mean that my dreams have been permanently interred. At least I hope not! I still believe that my Richard Gere is out there somewhere and one day he'll notice me, foist me up and validate my real purpose for being here on this earth.

I just hope it happens before they put me in the earth.

EPIC SKIT Some inspired proto-Python lunacy on At Last The 1948 Show with John and his hilarious contemporaries Tim Brooke-Taylor, Graham Chapman and Marty Feldman.

REALITY FAIL  Sorry, but I just can't understand this world we live in. If velcro-head here can make $40,000 a night as a DJ, why the f#@k can't I make a living as a writer?  

Myopic

 
Welcome, Unflagging Followers of the Sublimely Ludicrous.

I have no idea where I'm going to end up over the next few months.  At the very least, I don't want to end up working for yet another morally bankrupt organization which is more concerned with shareholder erections then satisfied customers or happy and productive employees. 

In order to avoid this fate I may be have to open my own business one of these days.  Should that ever happen, I hereby promise, that I will never, ever be so short-sighted as to disqualify potential employees just because they don't posses some sort of valueless accreditation or self-declared proficiency in an inert piece of software or some computer program.

Let's be realistic, folks, we now live in a day and age when you can type any conceivable question into a Google search and receive a font of knowledge in return.  Is it always accurate?  No.  But a discerning and inquisitive mind should be able to conjure up a slew of reliable resources explaining how to do just about everything in nauseating detail.  Hell, you can even find step-by-step videos explaining every possible application of a computer program or chunk of software.

Let me give you a specific example.  Let's just say a potential employer is looking to hire a promotions rep.  Someone applies for this job in earnest because they possess every single qualification listed in the job description save one: they aren't formally trained in a specific program, say Photoshop.  The big question then becomes, should the candidate lie and say that they're proficient in this program anyway?  Lord no, that would be dishonest.

But when our plucky applicant learns, long after the fact, that their resume was effectively thrown in the hopper because the word "Photoshop" didn't appear anywhere on it, they might feel tempted to be less then honest next time out.  After all, the internet is a limitless resource for self-instruction.  You might not have that cost-prohibitive software installed on your laptop at home or a fancy piece of paper to back up your claim or the testimony of a previous employer, but you can certainly use the nigh-omniscient power of the innerwebs to self-coach yourself to the point where you look as if you know what you're doing.

Honestly, if you hire someone strictly on the basis of whether or not they can manipulate a computer program, can you honestly say that you've hired the best possible candidate for that job?  Especially when their value might just boil down to digesting a few video tutorials on YouTube?   

You know what's a lot harder to fake?  A good personality.  Creativity.  Experience.  Enthusiasm. Three-dimensional thinking.  Gratitude. Multitasking.  Honesty.  The ability to design and implement an effective presentation.  Dedication.  Intelligence.  Effective communication skills.  A reliable work ethic. Wisdom.  The ability to work independently or as a team.  Y'know, positive and rare human traits that can't so easily be instructed.

If I ever find myself in the position to hire someone for my own hypothetical business I'll start by retaining someone who exhibits these priceless qualities, not someone with a tenuous claim of mastery over some easily-digested computer program.

Cripes, if the software is really that critical, I'll just hire the best person for the job and then train them myself.

EPIC MEME    Not even vaguely suitable for work, but still oddly apropos.

 

ANOTHER EPIC EXAMPLE  This is precisely what I'm on about, right hur.

FAILED FEDERAL FHILOSOFIES Although corporations love to bitch that they can "never find workers with the right skills", they probably wouldn't want it any other way.  And why would they?  Under the current paradigm, workers spend gobs of their own money to train themselves, resulting in slavishly devoted debt-monkeys.  No surprise then that the current of CORP-serve-ative creeps in office tirelessly propigate this ass-backward philosophy.

A FAIL-URE OF FORESIGHT  One article among many which attempts to explain why companies don't train employees anymore (and how wrong-headed that approach really is).

 

Hmmm, Smells Like Bacon...

"OooOoo!  Red...pretty..."

Greetings, Fellow Carbon-Based Life-Forms.

Every time I sit down to look for a job I'm overcome by a primal fear.  It's not that I'm afraid that there'll be nothing to apply for.  I'm terrified by the prospects of actually getting something.

I've been toiling away for half my adult life and in all that time I can count the number of decent jobs I've had on two fingers.  The first one doesn't count because it was only a make-work project and the second one shouldn't count because I was hired by my best friend.  For everything before, during and after I've had to feign levels of interest and aptitude that would earn anyone a Golden Globe nomination for Best Performance in a Existential Comedy. 

And then there's all of the overt screwage.  I can point to at least four distinct occasions in which I've been royally buggered by an employer, in spite of all my dedication, hard work and proficiency.  Three out of those four times happened at the last place I worked, fer Chrissakes!  But as needlessly monotonous and/or stressful as that last gig was, by far the worst part about it was having to listen to everyone bitch, moan and complain about how terrible everything was from 9:30 am to 6 pm, all day, every day.  And let me tell ya, folks, after marinating in a stew of negativity like that for eight and half hours every day for three years you start to think about throwing on some Pink Floyd, climbing into a nice, warm bath and then turning your wrists into venison. 

And then there are all the telling work-related Facebook notification that I see each and every day.  On Friday everybody's doing back-flips, on Saturday they're livin' large, on Sunday they're paralyzed by indecision, on Monday they're all shell-shocked, on Tuesday they're all sitting underneath their desks with a loaded revolver, on Wednesday everybody unlocks a mid-week survival achievement, on Thursday they wake up hoping it's Friday and on Friday they're all back to start.  Then the whole brain-damaged cycle starts up all over again.

I'm also not looking forward to being the "new guy".  Y'know, the guy with zero seniority.  The schmuck with the rapidly bleaching hair who can't seem to grasp things, even after fifteen quality minutes of training.  The dweeb who gets to scrub the virtual toilets at 8pm on a Saturday night.  The clown who gets paid with bottle caps and loose bits of string.  The yahoo who stands to earn forty-eight minutes of vacation time if he can just avoid getting sick or take a day off over the next six months.

Seriously, is anyone out there happy with this arrangement?  Does it make sense to spend the lion's share of our best days performing meaningless, ethereal tasks that have no positive or lingering impact on the world?  Duties that you won't even remember doing a month from now?  All the while surrounded by backbiting, petty, sabotaging co-workers that you just want to smoke in the head with a keyboard tray? 

I know that you're gonna say: "Well, that's just the way it is."  Well, I'm here to challenge that with a simple question: Why?  Why do things need to be this way?  Do you remember having a say in how our society operates?  Have you ever asked yourself why decent jobs are so scarce?  Do you ever wonder who really benefits from the current North American labor paradigm?

Insanity is often described as performing the same action over and over again and expecting different results.

Well, personally I'm tired of the insanity.  I'm tired of putting my hand on an open burner just because some stranger assures me that I won't get burned this time.    
   
EPIC SENTIMENTS

FAIL-URE TO COMMUNICATE  Okay look, I loves me some Jodie Foster, but if people need a friggin' Rosetta Stone to figure out what you're trying to say in your acceptance speech, then it might not have been particularly effective. 

2013's (Hopefully) More Realistic 'Things To Do' List

This time last year I posted a pretty massive list of things that I wanted to achieve in 2012.  

This year I'm paring things down to two (hopefully simple) goals:

1. Break my ruinous addiction to writing.
2. Prevent my savings from bleeding out like Marcus Fenix during a full-scale Grub invasion.

I love my life right now.  I love getting up every day and nurturing instead of ignoring the creative thoughts germinating in my skull.  I love exploring these ideas through mad loose leaf scribbling over a cuppa joe.  I love the process that occurs when I trap these thoughts in electronic amber, refining them twice before releasing them to the world.  Above all, I love it when people read what I've written and give me feedback.

There's only critical thing missing from this seemingly perfect equation: I'm not making any money.  Y'know, money...scratch, shekels, dinero, cash, bread, currency, cheddar, dough, rupees, coin, capitol...friggin' greenbacks.  I.E. those numbers on a paycheck or scraps of colored paper that we receive in exchange for goods and/or services rendered?  I.E. that mass hallucination which arbitrarily assigns a relative value to everyone and every thing in our society.

Hmmmm, for some reason the NHL settlement just popped into my mind.  How odd. 

Anyhoo, this irrational compulsion to write has set me on an inexorable collision course with the iceberg of financial ruin.  In fact, because of my three-to-five-times-a-week-habit I didn't even attempt to do most of the things on last year's list.  

It kills me to say this, but I'm either going to have to quit these blog posts cold turkey or, at the very least, scale back my usage.  As I transition back into some nebulous, yet-to-be-determined "real" job, these posts will become less about composition and research and more like diary entries.  I just hope that I can find a paying gig that offers even a fraction of the bliss I feel whenever I'm writing something.

I honestly didn't expect to degenerate into a word-slave when I started exploring the blog culture over two years ago.  My first tentative posts were only designed to hone my skills as a writer and maintain a regular production schedule.  In doing so I was hoping, rather naively, that some hypothetical employer would notice that I could string a sentence together, work under self-imposed deadlines, and attract a healthy cadre of followers.  In my warped imagination I though that this might lead to some sort of regular paying gig.  Surprisingly, this hasn't materialized yet.

I also recognize that I should have paid my dues as a writer back when I was in my twenties, not now.  It's forgivable to be dirt poor in your twenties but it's considerably less romantic and indie when your forty.  In fact it's kind of, hmmmmm...what's the word I'm looking for...oh yes, pathetic.    
 
Now, I certainly don't regret using the last two years to practice my craft.  In fact, I think I've exhibited dramatic improvement as a writer, editor and all-around embloginator.  But as I've come to learn rather painfully: producing content is considerably easier then parleying it into a career.  Although I'm still holding out some hope for an It's a Wonderful Life-style resolution to my story, I now know that life isn't like the movies.  No-one's going to magically materialize out of the ether and grant me some semblance of a future.

In Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, after Kirk has become disillusioned with the administrative assignment of Admiral, Spock tells him: "Commanding a starship is your first best destiny.  Anything else is a waste of material".

If the last two years have taught me anything, at least I can say with total confidence that my own "first best destiny" is to be a writer.    

Unfortunately if I keep blindly pursuing this destiny, I'm gonna end up wasted by the material.      



EPIC SUPPORT  I just want to say a hearty thanks to anyone who's ever contributed to my hit count either here or at my entertainment site or my gaming blog.  If you're a regular reader and you want to help, honestly the best thing you can do is pick up a copy of my book in paperback for $19.99 or the e-version for a paltry $4.99.  You can also throw a coupla bucks my way by using the Paypal link above.  Considering the state of my finances, these donations should technically be tax deductible.    

Honestly, I had no illusions about becoming J.K. Rowling-rich while persuing this racket but I'd love to  keep writing without loosing my shirt.  The funny thing is, if all four-hundred and twenty-three people who read last year's "Things To Do" post had donated a dime to the blog I'd actually be well on my way!

NOT GETTING PAID TO DO WHAT YOU LOVE?  YOU'RE FAILING AT LIFE!  Honestly, I understand the world less now at forty then I did when I was twenty.

FAILED PRIORITIES  If this douchebag can get paid over five million dollars a year to chase a friggin' black rubber disc around a rink (or not in the case of this disastrous season) then I don't think it's unreasonable for people in creative pursuits to earn enough money to pay for basic living expenses.
    

"A Drone is Born" - Part I

Good day, Gentle Reader.

As I mentioned in a previous installment very few options presented to me on the cusp of graduation from High School were even vaguely inspiring or attractive. So whereas all my peers were headed off to university or college to become Doctors (3% chance), Lawyers (5% chance) or First Semester Dropouts (92% likely) I did nothing, hoping inspiration might hit if I took a year off.

But, alas, don't think for a second that this time would be idle. I think the day after my exams Dad kicked me out of the house to look for work and then began to call every small-town connection he knew to get me the hook up. The idea was to get a summer job, save some money and go to university if and when my future beckoned.

My first job ever was working for Canada Post. Now, before you get too excited, the job with Canada Post was delivering ad mail. Basically I would given a nice little cross-reference of local fliers in bulk, sort them into sets, load them into a mailbag the size of a pup tent and deliver them to a designated neighborhood on the edge of town. I think I was paid a flat $40.00 to deliver everything about four to six hours.

On the very first day I quickly realized that people either really love or really hate fliers. People aren't on the fence over these things. I'd either get one of two groups of people:

"I don't care if you have to get across the moat, through the portcullis, answer the riddle of the Sage, scale the parapet and defeat Cerberus the three-headed hell-hound...I want my f#@%*&$ fliers in my mailbox by 10 am every day or I'm calling my M.P.!"

OR

"If you put another thing in my mailbox from 'Canadian Tire' I'll blow your f#@%!*$ head off!!!"

I remember after I'd completed my first round of deliveries I went back to the post office to drop off my mailbag. I marched into the supervisor's office and announced:

"Well, I'm done!"

And without missing a beat the supervisor responded:

"So, you quit?"

Apparently this was not necessarily as much of a wacky misunderstanding as you may think. Turnover's a wonderful thing, ain't it?

But I kept at it. Except for a few minor piss-off's it wasn't such a terrible gig. Lots of fresh air, exercise and a dwindling faith in the priorities of the human race.

Speaking of demonic guard dogs, one day I tried delivering fliers to a woman who came out her front door just as I was opening her gate. A beagle suddenly darted out of the house and charged at me, baying like the "Hound of the Baskervilles".

Dog owners, please heed me here: it does nothing for someone's piece of mind when you're insisting "Oh, he's fine; don't pay him any heed. He wouldn't hurt a fly" whilst at the same time the self-same hell hound is circling around you, making exploratory darting bites like a delinquent tiger shark in pre-chummed waters.

"Get him away from me!" I shouted back as the dog backed off momentarily to howl an ode to bloodlust. "You got three seconds to call him off, lady!"

"Really, he's just playing!"

"ONE!"

"Just come on in through the gate, he won't..."

"TWO" I shouted, cocking my mailbag over my shoulder and nearly giving my lower intestine an express elevator drop into my nutsack.

"It's fine, he'll just stay outside there..."

"THREE!!!"

I swung the mailbag full-pelt and connected solidly with it's brain pan as "Zoltan, Hound of Dracula" nipped out at me again The beast was in mid-bark at the time and the "ROOOWLF!!!" instantly turned to a vaguely amusing "ACK!!!" noise. The swing was pretty strong and I'm convinced to this day that if I'd struck the feral creature in anything but it's head I likely would have maimed it.

"Oh dear!" exclaimed the owner, cupping her hands to her mouth in surprise.

I managed to drive the fiend back far enough for me open the gate and get inside her yard, locking "Cujo" outside. It began pacing back and forth in front of the fence like a bear driven nuts by a zoo's electrical fence. The blow to the head hadn't fazed it in the least, much like a wrestler's immunity to chair shots to the cranium.

"Sorry, lady" I puffed, lugging my canvas flail up the steps to her front porch.

"Oh, that's okay," she dismissed. "It's my husband's dog and frankly I kinda hate the stupid thing. Ooooo, is that a 'Zellers' flier?"

The ad mail delivery biz was fine until the weather started to get cold. I seem to recall trying to deliver fliers on top of a hilly, treeless subdivision in Kippens during a gale-force winter storm and nearly getting decapitated by a flying plastic sled. Hmmm, was that also the time my Dad got bit by a dog because he took pity on me that day and tried to help me? I can't remember. Oh, well, whatever...

This all culminated with a pretty miserable event. I was fast asleep one cold, dark, rainy fall morning when Dad burst into my room and spent the next ten minutes trying to rouse his teenage Lazarus from the dead. It started with a few "shaken baby syndrome" jolts, proceeded to screaming into an ear trumpet and then attempted physical removal from the nest, which I resisted like Eva Longoria in a shoe store.

"What?! What is it?!?" I spluttered as I was dragged kicking and screaming into consciousness.

"Your supervisor from Canada Post is on the phone. He wants to know if you can deliver the regular mail for a carrier that called in sick."

"Deliver...what? What time is it?"

"Five-thirty," Dad answered as if I'd overslept.

Let me tell you, Gentle Reader, there is never a time in your life, young or old, when that answer is anything less than horrifying. There are certain times on our twenty-four hour clock that I firmly believe it's literally a crime against the laws of the universe to be awake. The only time when it might make sense to be awake this early is if you live six hours away from a ferry which you have to catch at 9 am and only then if you can sucker someone else into driving and all you have to do is stumble from your bed to the back seat of the car.

"Auuuughhh!!! Five-thirty? Is he nuts? Tell him to go pound sand," I muttered and tried to roll over.

"Like hell," Dad growled, renewing his efforts to pull me from my heated water bed. My fingernails scratched the edge of the frame as I was cast out onto the cold floor like a homeopathic birth gone horribly awry.

"What the eff?!!? I shouted.

"I'm going back to the phone and tell him you'll call him back right away. They're going to give you $13.00 an hour to do this today, so you're damned well going."

I guess he was still pissed about that dog bite.

Join me next time Gentle Reader, when I explain why Cliff Clavin was such a reasonable source of ridicule after all and why suicide rates amongst postal carrier is so high in next week's episode of "You Can't Get There From Here" entitled:

DAVE DELIVERS YOUR MAIL. ONCE. AND NEVER AGAIN.

EPIC: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jRyO8ZHEfCQ

FAIL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jRyO8ZHEfCQ

Resurrections are big this time of year, aren't they?

Podcast audio: David Bowie "Changes" from the album Hunky Dory.



Greetings, Gentle Reader.

Welcome to my Emblogification Capture Device!

Before I go any further I'd like to give a shout-out to Michael Chiasson, who's considerably less frivolous blog "Daddy's Home" gave me endless inspiration. Not necessarily to reproduce, but just, y'know the idea to...*ahem* blog about something. Trust me, I just spent Easter weekend with my wife's sister's kids and I'm seriously considering a procedure. Just kidding, gals, I love ya!

On April 1'st 2010 I decided to honor April Fools Day by leaving a job I've been doing for the past ten years. In a time of fragile economic recovery you may think me mad, and trust me, you'd have ample evidence (just don't believe what that clown at The Source in Halifax Shopping center says about me, if I'd just had a smidge more plutonium last time my idea would have gone off without a hitch, I guarantee). Regardless of how crazy it seems I still cling to one thing my parents always taught me which was that "The only jobs worth doing are the ones you can have a personal impact on." Well, actually, I don't think they ever told me that verbatim, but, hey, I still think it sounds cool.

Regardless of how I cooked up that little chestnut I believe in it firmly. This was my first day not being a cog in a corporate engine. All I did today was reorganize my storage closet, write a movie review for my Facebook profile, make mexican soup, vacuum, sweep my patio and watch an episode of "Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution" (see EPIC/FAIL below) yet I feel I've done more sensible and productive things today than I did at work for the past three months. Sad but true.

One thing I learned working in call centers for the past fifteen years ("Fifteen years?!! Sweet Jesus, he's gotta be ready for the booby-hatch by now!") is that people really love reality shows like Dancing with the Stars, The Bachelor, or Who Wants To Be Groped By a Bill Lynch Fair Employee?. Personally, I hate the &$!@@!* things (since I maintain that you are your own reality show), but I understand why folks watch 'em. Since most of them are the equivalent of watching a slow-motion bus-wreck, many people believe they cater to the lowest common denominator of humanity: the fan of Schadenfreude or those that take pleasure from the misfortunes of others.

I like to retain a bit more hope in the human race, however, and maintain that as much as people like to watch others fail they also get a rush out of witnessing when someone succeeds at dream fulfillment. And although I've finally figured out what it means to be "long in the tooth" now (seriously, why do your front teeth start to look like cuttle bones after a certain age?) , I still have this dream to make a living in some sort of creative venture.

So, Gentle Reader, take my hand and come with me as we wind on down a road of high adventure. I'd appreciate any good karma you can afford but you'd be forgiven if mean ole' schadenfreude takes hold sometimes and you feel like laughing and pointing when I mess up royally.

Stay tuned, folks, next I'm hoping to get into some juicy back story which hopefully will get you all up to speed. I'm sure you'll find it amusing. Or utterly sad, I'm not sure which.

Until then, check out today's EPIC/FAIL links...special T.V. edition!

EPIC: http://watch.ctv.ca/jamie-olivers-food-revolution/season-1/jamie-olivers-food-revolution-ep-103/#clip279254

FAIL: http://tv.popcrunch.com/the-15-worst-reality-tv-shows-ever-made/