Taktical Error

Salutations, Suspicious Minds!

Yes, I know this blog is deader than the Professional Pog Circuit, but occasionally things happen to me which provide some inspiration. Case in point: this unsolicited, non-sequitur email I received back on March 14'th:

Hey David,

I saw here, that you've written about cars. If you’ll be covering similar topics in the future, such as auto tech (like driverless cars), or safety tips for new parents using carseats or new teen drivers, I’d love to be a source or contribute a unique article.

Are you taking pitches?

Best, __________________ 

Now, just because I'm a nice guy I'm not gonna use her real name. So, for the purpose of this sordid tale I'll just call her "Fibby McSneakypants" or some derivation thereof.

So, let's take a quick inventory here. On the plus side, the email is lucid and well-composed; unlike the typical "Nigerian Price"/ "English language set on frappé"-style of diction that typically characterizes the average phishing scam. On the other hand, there were a few things that made my "Spider-Sense" go off like the warning klaxons on a star destroyer.

First off, my last blog entry was back in October. Ever since I started writing for actual money as opposed to loose bits of string and dead budgerigars, I haven't been posting here very much. So, I really couldn't conceive why someone would want to be published on an obscure, borderline-defunct blog.

'Well, maybe they're a fledgling writer looking to establish a portfolio,' I thinks to meself. 'Baphomet knows I could have used some help when I first got started, so maybe I'll humor her.'

Now, if you read the article that she's referring to, it bears as much resemblance to cars as Ted Cruz does to a human being. The piece is all about making universities teach courses that will give students genuine life skills instead of imparting theoretical and / impractical nonsense.

As such, my two speculative automotive courses were:

First Car 100 This class will give students valuable advise on how to buy their first vehicle without getting sucked into a maelstrom of hidden charges.  After learning how to avoid paying salesmen to do their own jobs, students will be given several creative suggestions as to what orifice will best accommodate the dealership's sleazy 'Administrative Fees'

...and...

Car Maintenance and Repair 102  This course teaches students the importance of having a friend as an auto mechanic and how to determine what shops in your area are guilty of overt rip-offery.  Please note: any students who have already completed Canadian Tire Avoidance 101 will receive partial credit towards Car Maintenance and Repair 103.

So, Kind Reader, the question I put to you is: what the actual eff does any of that have to do with driver-less vehicles, car-seats or the perils of zit-covered teenagers drunkenly careening  all over the road, armed only with a learning permit and an unwarranted sense of immortality?

But, hey, once again, I'm a nice guy and so I just assumed that these topics were within her wheelhouse and she felt comfortable writing about them.

Sure, I'm nice but I'm also inherently suspicious and guarded, mainly because a disproportionate number of humans I've met over the years come pre-loaded with ulterior motives. The specter of "Exhibit Y" soon presented itself when a simple Google-fication of her email address led me directly to an outfit called Taktical Digital.

So what's this place all about? Well according to their minimalist webzone:

"Taktical Digital is an internationally recognized performance digital marketing agency. With an obsessive focus on maximizing ROI, Taktical Digital clients have seen tremendous revenue driving success across e-commerce and lead generation verticals. We are an industry leader in paid social advertising, search marketing and lead generation."

Sorry, I gotta pause for a sec. Reading all that CorporateSpeak in one go has a tendency to make me break out in hives.

Full disclosure: I can't prove that the Fibster works for Taktical Digital. I just think its telling that their site is the only thing that pops up when I search just her email suffix (@takticalmail.com).

With this revealed I was 99.9% sure that it was all going to be a colossal waste of time. But then I thought, why not have some fun with it? At the very least, I might come out the other end with an amusing anecdote; sort of a virtual version of one of my earliest job experiences, but, this time out, I'D be the one carrying the oversized tote bag, bee-hotch.

So I proceeded to execute Step One in my plan: radio silence. In fact, I let a full week go by before she sent me the following missive:

Hi again - I just wanted to follow up as see if you had a chance to read my previous email.
Let me know if you are interested in a guest contribution from us - we love to get involved.

Thanks for your time, 

The Fibinator

Needless to say, after reading this it was on like Rae Dawn Chong. So I wrote back first thing the very next day:

Hi, Fibby.

I'm always interested in guest contributors to my blog. Unfortunately I'm not in the position
to pay writers at the moment.

If that isn't a deal-breaker, I'd be more than willing to publish an article on a topic of your choice, perhaps with the inclusion of an appropriate ad or link to something that you're keen to promote. 

The only criterion is that the post's style has to dovetail with the established spirit of the blog, I.E. "a humorous exploration of education, career, employment, lifestyle, politics and pop culture." 

Other guidelines include:

• 200-600 word length.
• Well-researched with supporting links.
• Conversational, breezy tone with liberal doses of relevant comedy.   

If you're still interested in contributing, or if you have any follow-up questions, please let me know.

Cheers,

-David

To my complete and utter lack of surprise, this came back a few short hours later:

Hi David,

Thanks for getting back to me--that sounds absolutely perfect to me!

I have a couple of ideas for you: 

• How much will driverless cars cost?
• Issues with drowsy driving laws and the efforts in preventing driving accidents
• Have ride-sharing services led to a notable drop in DUI Accidents?

Do any of these seem like they'd be a good fit for your site? Let me know what you think, and I'll get started on writing something up for you!

Cheers,

Fibmaster General

Even though the answer to her question was a resounding "NOPE", I was kinda getting into it. So I did my best Arianna Huffington impersonation and wrote back:

Hi, Fib! Can I call you Fib?

Your suggestions have really gotten my brain percolating.

One related subject that I'd love to see explored is the current aptitude of driverless cars. How reliable is the AI at this stage? What kind of preliminary service records do they have? How do driverless cars cope with anomalous road conditions or emergency situations? What improvements can we expect as technology advances exponentially? 

Not only could this be an informative topic for readers, it could also be a great framework to hang some observational humor on. What do you think? Is there an angle there?

Thanks!  

Her response, which arrived early the following day, clearly indicated that this marlin was decidedly on-hook.

Hi David, 

I think you're on to something... A piece about the reliability of AI could be really great. And I definitely think we could work some humor in, too!

I'll get started on it right away. Our turn around time is about two weeks, so I should reach back out by April 6 with your finished piece.

Happy Friday!

Fib

After reading this I was tempted to lean back in my pneumatic chair, adjust my monocle, stroke my pussy and begin cackling uncontrollably like Ernst Stavro Blofeld. But instead I just sat there and thought 'Huh, I wonder if this person is actually on the up-and-up?'

This thought was particularly strident when I received the following email on April the 2'nd at 2:09 in the pee em:

Hey David,

I hope all is well! Here is your finished piece. 

Let me know what you think! I'm happy to make any edits or changes you think are necessary.

Best,

-F

I sat blinking at this for a little while, like the (in)box at the end of Se7en. After dealing with a few pressing personal deadlines, I finally sat down at the end of the day, clicked on the attachment and gave the article the once-over.

It was good. I'd have to tweak a few things but nothing major. So I responded thusly:

Hi, Fibby.

Thanks for sending this through. It's been crazy busy on my end and I've only had a cursory glance but it looks great!

I'm going to set aside a few hours tomorrow to review and post it. Related question: are there any personal links you'd like to include with the story? Your own blog? Website? LinkedIn page? Let me know.

Thanks in advance!

-D 

Forty-five minutes later I get this:

Hi David,

I'm glad to hear its looking good so far, I hope it holds up to snuff when you give it a closer look tomorrow! 

There are no personal links that need to be included on our end.

I'm looking forward to hearing what you think!

Cheers,

Scooter Fibby

Now, before we go any further I really need to draw your attention to the line "there are no personal links that need to be included on our end". Beyond the not-even-vaguely-suspicious "our end" reference, this entire statement is patently false. Show me a creative person that doesn't wanna flog their amateurish self-published book (guilty), lame blog (present company included), self-indulgent podcast (ditto) or boring Twitch stream (give me time) I'll show you a filthy, filthy liar.

So the next day I went over the article with a fine tooth comb, scanning for literary lice. Despite the fact that the content was about as funny as a syphilis diagnosis, the story read rather well. Even more encouraging: a quick Google search seemed to bear out her claim that the article was original, at least in part. The very last thing I needed to do was to verify the links.

Even this looked promising. I clicked on every single one of them and was pleasantly surprised. Her claim that Americans were still largely skeptical about driver-less cars was backed up with a related article from the Insurance Journal. A potential falling out between Tesla and Nvidia was documented by an appropriate report from CNBC. A twenty-seven page study panel report from Stanford lent credence to her claim that driver-less cars will help bolster the public's trust of AI.

But then I noticed something weird. Like really weird.

Her main thesis, that driver-less cars will eventually reduce accidents and injuries, should have been the easiest thing to link. Hell, after a quick bash at the ol' Google-O-Meter I came up with this, this and this.

But, no, instead she'd embedded a link to a website for this sketchy, ambulance-chasing law firm that specializes in car accident personal injury cases. I scanned through the page looking for any shred of supporting information but the only thing I got was a pop up query from "Mike", who was manning the site's online support desk.

"Hi there! Would you like to tell me about your case for a free legal evaluation?" he chirpily inquired.

"Um, no thank you," I typed back in a daze, immediately wondering why I'd gone through the bother of  typing "um".

And with that, funny l'il fascinatin' Fibby finally stood exposed. She was contacting backwater blogs like mine with an offer to write vaguely-related articles for the express purpose of sneaking in some back-door, borderline subliminal advertising for a skeezy law firm. With another quick search I found an eerily similar article of hers which had been published on a site that looked a lot more legit than my lame-ass blog. And, hey, guess what? She used the exact same incongruous "source" to "back up" the exact same claim.

Hmmmmm, I wonder why the publisher later "redacted this article to conform to our style and usage guidelines."

With the scam now revealed I could easily have fucked with her mercilessly. It took every bit of my willpower not to respond with this:

"Hey, yeah, this is great an' all, toots, but the tone is waaaay too egg-headed and dry for the tens and tens of people who read my blog. So, lissen, I needs you to punch up tha funny. Can't we just make up a news story about how one o' these fancy-assed smart cars went all HAL-9000 on its owner? Mebbe after missing one too many detailing appointments the car snaps and tries to kill the driver by sealing the windows and reversing the exhaust? Oh, and wouldn't it be funny if we said the car found a radio station that was playing Pink Floyd's 'Goodbye Cruel World' while it did the deed? LOOOL!"

Instead I decided to act my age and and replied:

Hi, Fibster.

We're almost ready to go. Just a few things.

As an unabashed Canucklehead, I'd prefer we said NORTH Americans instead of just Americans, with a link to match. If we can't find a link with the same verbiage, no worries. 

Also, the link you provided  to back up your injury claim takes readers to an actual law firm with a very pro-active chat representative who immediately starts to bombard visitors with free consultation offers. Perhaps you can just link an article with some basic stats RE: auto-related injuries in North America last year. 

Finally, every one of my entries includes an EPIC / FAIL. The first is a link to a good news story about the topic and the latter is a comedic glass-half-empty observation. There can be written articles or links to videos. Please let me know what you'd like to include to cap off this great article.

Thanks!

-D

So, bless her heart, she replied:

Hey David,

I'm having trouble finding a link with a statistic for North America as a whole--I've got Canadian family and am well aware of what a misnomer 'American' is! I have found a link to some Canadian statistics, so I'm not sure if you'd rather include that instead? https://www.thestar.com/business/tech_news/2017/09/14/half-of-canadians-trust-self-driving-cars-survey-says.html ("That's the reason that barely half of Candians trust triverless cars").

In regards to the car accident link, would this link be better? *** INCLUDES LINK TO EXACT SAME WEBSITE, JUST A DIFFERENT AND EQUALLY USELESS PAGE *** 

Finally, I love the idea of an EPIC/FAIL!
Here's something I think could work for fail: https://www.reuters.com/article/us-autos-selfdriving-canada/in-canada-driverless-cars-learn-to-see-in-the-snow-idUSKBN1GX2V9
And this would be my pick for epic:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDidEb7xAJo

Let me know what you think!

Best,

Grandfibster Flash

After heaving a heavy sigh I shot back:

Hi, Fiborina.

Everything is great, but I don't feel comfortable linking anything to a 1-800-SUE-4-CASH law firm. 

Especially considering that its the same exact link you've used in the past. 

At best, it's scarcely related to the content and at worst its thinly-veiled advertising.

Thanks. 

And finally, the predictable denouement:

Hi David,

Unfortunately, on my end we would need to include a link to that page. I can see you're uncomfortable with leaving it in your piece, so I'll ask you instead to refrain from posting it. 

I really appreciate you taking the time to work with me, and for the opportunity!

Best,

Erica VonFibbentrop

Whatta shocka. This was my last message to her:

Oh, no worries. I certainly won't be posting any portion of this in whole or in part. It has, however, inspired an original  post of my own, so thanks for that. 

I also hope that, from here on in, you let people know up front what your intended motivation is. 

I suspect it'll save you and the person that you're soliciting a lot of valuable time. 

Curiously, she hasn't written back.

***

EPILOGUE

Gentle Readers,

We live in a time where nothing can be taken at face value. With most of us asleep at the switch, the lunatics are currently running the asylum. And although the story I just told is admittedly kinda penny ante, it does showcase a few issues that are critical in this age of fleeting truth, rampant white collar crime and cartoon presidents.

They are:

1. Don't trust anyone. Now, I'm not saying that you shouldn't give people the benefit of the doubt, just don't blindly assume that people are telling you the truth. Do your own independent research and find out what's really going on for yourself.
2. In the immortal words of Harry S. Plinkett: "The devil's in the details, my lovelies." Sometimes you gotta dig deep for the truth but it's that sort of diligence that will allow you to distinguish "fake news" from reality. Remember: the last thing the powers-that-be want is a population of independent, nosy, details-oriented, well-informed critical thinkers. 
3. Corporations are inherently scummy. Lies and deceptions are their bread and butter so, for the love of everything holy, try to be better then them. Make an effort to be up-front with people, always broker in facts and don't be afraid to stick to your principles. 

The funny thing is: my very first reply to her gave her the perfect opportunity to be forthright:

I'd be more than willing to publish an article on a topic of your choice, perhaps with the inclusion of an appropriate ad or link to something that you're keen to promote. 

Ergo, I might have done the Fibster a solid if she'd just been up front and said "Look, I wanna advertise something on your blog. It's not really related to your content and I don't wanna pay you, but maybe if you publish it we can promote your writing to our clients".

Instead she decided to use subterfuge and chicanery, a tactic that's, sadly, probably worked more times than its failed.

Oh, well, at least I got a (vaguely) funny story out of it.

EPIC:  Successful bloggers will often find themselves navigating a veritable minefield of considerably-more-nefarious scam artists. Here's some tips on how to recognize and report one of the scarier ones.

FAIL: Autonomoose? Autonomoose?!? Really?!? Man, if "pandering" were a crime, this chick would be on death row.

Village of A$$holes

 Hey All Youze Potential, Perfunctory or Purposeful Parental Units.

I've talked about the subject of kids before but I'm long overdue for a few supplemental observations.

My biggest fear as a potential parent would be to produce a kid that turns out to be an asshole.  The world has enough assholes in it and I'm pretty sure that we don't need any more right now.

When I was a kid, being an asshole really wasn't an option.  Now, I'm not gonna sit here and claim that no members of my generation acted like jerks as kids, I'm just saying that it just wasn't a viable choice for me or my friends.  Here's just a few examples of things that would never have crossed our minds:

• Eating without manners.  It didn't matter if you sat at the grownup table or at a foldable T.V. tray, we always ate with a knife and fork, chewed our food in stealth and kept our "friggin' elbows off the table".  If you didn't adhere to these directives you ran the risk of being publicly called out as the barn-dwelling savage that you were.
• Being excessively whiney, or as my parents called it "whingey".  That old chestnut of "stop cryin' or I'll give you somthin' to cry about!" was delivered with such an unnerving, low-key intensity it makes Kim Jong Un's saber-rattling look like Beyonce's Superbowl photo hissy fit.    
• Public meltdowns.  For the sake of full disclosure, we're probably all guilty of trying this at least once as kids. But once was often enough since the standard parental rebuttal was a good crack across the arse accompanied by the aforementioned verbal threat.  If we were actually stupid enough to persist after that, we'd be hauled away by the scruff of the neck, thrown (often overhand) into the back seat of the car and then spirited away post-haste.  NO FUN TIME FOR  YOU!!!   
• Rank disobedience.  For my parents, the word "NO" was like a red flag waved in front of a bull.  My mom was the undisputed master of the ancient martial art known as slap-fu (A.K.A. stoogejitsu).  With a technique occasionally augmented by a series of deadly implements (wooden spoons, spatulas, boards with a nail in it), the sting of an unexpected backside whack from mom was nothing compared to the humiliation factor.   
• Striking anything organic.  Except for the odd scrap with another kid or periodic bout of play-fighting, punching or kicking anyone (or anything) was strictly verboten.  The concept of smacking an adult, even in jest, was downright ludicrous.  If I'd ever made the mistake of hitting one of my uncles, for example, my parents would have funneled every cent of their own money into scientific research in order to produce a device that could destroy me on a sub-atomic level.  As the old saying goes: "I brought you into this world and I can take you out."   

Although these behaviors didn't readily occur to us, I have no idea what my parents would have done if I'd actually stood up to them.  After all, the odd slap n' spank really didn't hurt all that much.  So why did we all live in rank fear of baiting our parent's potential ire?    

Well, first off, it's a totally different ball game now.  The exorbitant cost of living often requires that both parents remain in the workplace and hand precious formative time over to anonymous daycare overseers. I honestly believe that parents need to imprint their unwavering authority upon their youngsters, especially between the ages of two to four.  By the time I started school, for example, the rule of law was immutable in my mind.    

Even before kindergarten, a lot of kids find themselves immersed in daycare environments, surrounded by half-baked youngsters of varying temperaments and disciplinary levels who are already testing the nominal authority of the staff.  Things get even more confusing for kids when tired, stressed-out adults show up at the end of the day and cart them home.  Acting under the influence of unconscious guilt, a lot of tentative moms and dads proceed to immerse their spawn in a conciliatory marinade of overcompensation.   

Given all the pop psychology books that modern parents swallow whole like new-age pythons, I'm shocked by how few of them realize just how smart and perceptive their younglings are.  Kids notice when a rebellious peer at daycare begins to command attention.  Their get a bloated sense of ego when their every move and utterance is watched like cheap entertainment during holidays and family reunions.  They see how pathetic and spineless you are when you kow-tow to their every whim in a misguided effort to assuage your own daily abandonment guilt. 

Most importantly, kids know when they've been reduced to the role of accoutrement.  I'm willing to give parents a pass if they can't afford to keep somebody at home, but I'm nauseated when people breed and then cling to their "careers" in order to clock the most Benjamins, score the swankiest house, go on the splashiest vacations or acquire the largest SUV with the most Blu-Ray players strapped to the roof.  For a frightening number of "parents", kids are nothing more then completist afterthoughts - window dressings for appearances well-kept.
 
Although I harbor a lot of rancor over this last scenario, I know that most parents are just hard working jobbers who had nothing but good intentions when they set out to create their very own mini-me's.  Unfortunately, many of them seem genuinely surprised when the world turns out to be vastly different then the one they grew up in.  They're positively shocked when economic considerations require that their kids enter the hive mind much quicker and authority-building opportunities between parent and child are fleeting.

Let's face it, back when we were kids we were all completely oblivious.  Our parents were our primary source of information.  They were simultaneously omnipotent and omniscient.  There was about as much solidarity between kids back then as there was during the Occupy Wall Street movement.

Nowadays, things are completely different.  Kids are thrown together Lord of the Flies-style even younger then ever.  Advertisers spend billions of dollars in order to turn tots into pint-sized decision makers.  Google knows more then any parent could possibly fathom.  Hell, if you watch Nickelodeon or YTV for a few hours, you'll even start to realize that every person over the age of thirty is either a buffoon, a weirdo or an irrational authority figure that begs for a comeuppance.  Indeed, those pesky adults really are the bane of iCarly's existence.

They say it takes a village to raise a kid.  Well, what happens if the village is largely populated by assholes?

EPIC DOC  Parents need to realize that corporations look at your l'il bundle of joy as nothing more then a  larval-stage consumer.

FAIL-ED MESSAGE   Can someone please tell me what the falk is going on in this ad??!?

Everybody Has A Price...Mine Just So Happens To Be Really Cheap.

Hello, Mes Amis.

Okay, so...in my previous entry I established how not to court me for future advertising opportunities.  Now I'd like list ten things that I'd happily shill for.

So, without further ado, here's DAVE'S TOP TEN THINGS HE'D PIMP OUT FOR IN A SECOND:

1. Good Movies  If you come to me with a decent film project I will flog it without mercy.  As a corollary, any motion picture involving the presence of Jennifer Aniston, a talking pet or a Saturday Night Live character spun out to feature length need not apply.  Also, as much as it pains me to say so, I will no longer be mentioning Star Wars anymore.  It's not that George Lucas raped my childhood, but he did invite it inside Skywalker Ranch with promises of candy and touched it in it's Danger Zone. 
2. Good Music  If your band or album doesn't suck, I will gladly shout your praises from the rooftops.  In fact, I'm so desperate for good music lately, I'm willing to promote you even if your music is merely  semi-distinguishable from everything else.  Also, to save us both some time, please note that your music will likely have no resonance with me if you're under the age of twenty.  What life lessons can I possibly glean from the lyrics of some snot-nosed kid who's cubes haven't even dropped yet?  Mark my words, in a few years some enterprising obstetrician/budding manager is gonna get rich by filming a still-in-utero video featuring a fetus with a comb-forward CGI hairdo lip-syncing inane lyrics to a dance track.  I'm tellin' ya, it's money. 
3. Good Television  Next month I was planning on doing a blog series on television, so for all you folks playing along at home: here's a sneak preview!  About four years ago I was blissfully snobby about the state of television and seemed perfectly content to write off the entire medium as a colossal waste of time.  Then this jackass I was working with at the time had the audacity to give me the first season of The Shield.  In light of this revelatory viewing, a whole new world chock-a-block with entertainment value opened up to me.  Entourage, Dexter, Freaks and Geeks, Battlestar Galactica, The Tudors, Supernatural, Mad Men, and Veronica Mars blew me away in quick succession.  Each episode is produced with the sensibilities of a mini feature film and not one of them involve tattooed orange people excusing the most reprehensible human behavior you can imaging with the mantra "Hey, you wouldn't understand, it's a 'Jersey' thing!"
4. Good Video Games  Video games have come a long way since their inception.  I have to credit early designers with coming up with inventive attempts at something passing for a game just to try and offset the crude graphical tools they had to work with.  But now, the visuals are so amazingly sophisticated that the best (like the Halo, Gears of War, Brother in Arms, Left 4 Dead, or Half-Life series) play out like interactive films.  Which is why, in my humble estimation, even at their worst, video games will always be superior to homogenized, crappy network television.  After all., with television, unless it's something really engaging or enriching, you're typically just sitting there inert, slowly being spoon-fed pablum-flavored entertainment, your brain getting fatter than Homer Simpson during the ironic punishment doughnut eating nightmare in Hell.  At least with video games, you're not quite so damned...passive.
5. Good Books  Have you ever heard the quote: "Yeah, the movie was okay, but the book was w-a-a-a-a-a-a-y better?"  Well, there's a reason for that: a wealth of additional details, the benefit of descriptive language, the power of imagination, and the author's freedom to do whatever he or she damn well pleases.  In the immortal words of Stephen King: "A day without a book is like a day without sunshine!"  Hmmmm, you'd think he'd be more of "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" kinda guy...                         
6. Good Board Games   Hey, I've already done an entire treatise on why I prefer board games over video games but this bears repeating: sometimes you just want to teabag an opponent in person.
7. Good Radio Stations  Only within the last month or so did the city of Halifax get a modern rock radio station worth crowing about.  "Live 105" is a virtual godsend in this city, which has suffered under the yoke of "classic" rock  for the past fifteen years.   Up until "Live 105" arrived on the scene the situation was pretty grim.  "C-100" propagated nothing but non-threatening manufactured pop product, "89.9 HAL FM" and "Q-104" were designed for people who are laboring under the erroneous belief that rock attained perfection in 1975 and "Kool 96.5" (wow, there's never been a more ironic name for a radio station, by the way) is a viable promotional tool for artists that are either all completely irrelevant, defunct or deceased.  And although "Live 105" is already starting to cheese me off a bit with their definition of "heavy rotation" at least I'm getting sick of songs produced in the last fifteen to twenty years.  Here's the link if you wanna give 'em a spin: http://www.live105.ca/
8. Good Comics It's kinda sad that this amazing medium has been ghettoized for so long.  It really doesn't  deserve to be written off as something just for kids.  In some ways, comics are a superior art form to both film and standard novels.  It gives a cool visual component, but unlike film it isn't so fleeting.  The Egyptians certainly thought it was a pretty solid way to tell a story; after all what are hieroglyphics other than panels of an ancient funny book?  I really do believe that titles such as Sin City, Bone, Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, Sandman, Watchmen, Preacher, The Walking Dead, From Hell, V for Vendetta and The Dark Knight Returns are all just as valid as works of literature as Ulysses and Atlas Shrugged.  
9. Good Beer  I had a bit of a struggle not to mention this one first, for fear of looking like a raging alcoholic, but I can't hold off any longer.  When I was in university, I always thought I hated beer abd eventually I learned to tolerate it.  Then, in a tremendous moment of epiphany, I tried a micro-brewed beer offered here in Halifax at the Henry House pub called "Old Peculiar".  I've never looked back since.  Guinness, Harp, Murphy's, Kilkenny, Smithwicks, Sapporo, Stella Artois, Hoegaarden and Innes and Gunn have all joined the ranks of my favorite beers.  Please take note of the conspicuous absence of Coors Lite, a beer for people who don't like the taste of beer, or Bud Lite Lime, the makers of which seem to be admit "Yeah, our crappy beer comes pre-skunky, so we're just gonna use some unnatural lime flavor to cover it up."  *Bleah*        
10. Grey Poupon  "Oh my God, if your makin' a toiky sammich, put a little bit of mayo on one side, slap on your toiky, get some fresh lettuce and a coupla slices of foim, ripe tomaita.  Then for a bit a zip, spread a bit a dis stuff on 'dere...it's like buttah!  It makes your sammich right poiky!"  Seriously, I'd put this stuff on toast for breakfast if I didn't so many weird looks from people.

So, if you think your represent one of the aforementioned products, contact me as soon as possible.  After all, by advertising on "You Can't Get There From Here" you'll may very possibly be able to reach literally dozens of readers.

EPIC:  Awww, who am I kiddin'?  Here, this should keep you busy for a bit.  Don't don't too freaky-deaky  with the mustard, tho...




FAIL: Sweet Jesus, can someone make Will and Jada Smith stop breeding already?

http://www.vevo.com/watch/willow/whip-my-hair/USSM21001602

This BLOG'S For You! Well, at least for now...

Hey, all!

Well, with close to three-thousand visits to my blog since April I must admit that it's gotten a bit more attention than I expected.

What really freaks me out is when companies contact me from out of the blue for inappropriate advertising opportunities.  Way back in May I did one (and only one) entry about sports (hockey to be precise, found here: http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.com/2010/05/best-game-you-can-name.html), and just a few days later this was sent to me:

Dear Webmaster ("Who is this Webmaster?  I am no Webmaster, I am the Keyholder!!!"...sorry)

My name is Dierdre (name changed to protect the stupid), and my company Pushy-Interwebs (name changed to protect it's clearly fly-by-night nature) represents online sport sites in various domains. We are looking at reputable sites to offer them profitable opportunities to help promote some of my clients sites.

We would like to know if you are interested in working with us on this.

For further details please don't hesitate to contact me.

Cheers,
Dierdre Brainsample
Advertising Consultant
Business Development Department
dierdre.brainsample@pushy-interwebs.com

Well, never one to discount something outright I replied back with the following:

Hello, Dierdre.

I appreciate your interest in my blog but had you given even a scant cursory glance at some of the other entries, you would clearly see that sports is a topic that I will scarcely, if ever, revisit.  In fact it's very likely that the content of the entry that prompted your email will never be mentioned again.

Having said that, I would certainly review any information you can provide about this opportunity.

Thanks in advance,

David Pretty

NO REPLY

Then in August this inexplicable exchange occurred:

Hi David Pretty,

I am Trina Echoears, I work for Cyberdyne, Inc.

Could you please mention about our Cyberdyne Operating System Optimizer on your blog.
http://cyberdynelovesyou.com/products/systemoptimizer/system-optimizer.html

I will give you a full version in exchange.

Sincerely,

Trina Echoears

Well, I mulled this over for half a second and shot this back:

Hi, Trina.

Thank you for your interest in "You can't Get There From Here". 

I might suggest, however, that if you'd taken a few fleeting moments out of your clearly busy day to scan over a few of my entries you might have picked up on the complete and total absence of references to computer software or reviews of the aforementioned products.
 
I'd go so far as to say that the time you would have saved composing and sending the email below would have been better served reading just a few paragraphs of my work versus trying to hone your penchant for Jedi Mind Tricks.

Having said that, I have been using the trial version of your product for the past few days and although my computer isn't operating any faster it also hasn't become self-aware, tried to murder me in my sleep or attempted to tap into any nuclear missile defense grids.

As such, despite the fact that I've never mentioned software in my blog entries (and never intended to)  I'd be more than happy to embed an ad for the Cyberdyne System Optimizer on my landing page.

Let me know if this would be suitable.
 
Thanks for your interest and have a great day!

NO REPLY

Finally, just recently I got a package of information from Google AdWorks.  I'd already set myself up with AdSense, which is supposed to take the content of your blog and post appropriate ads which readers might have some ungodly reason to click on.  If a certain amount of readers do this (I estimate it would need to be about forty-eight to sixty-thousand), then I might earn a check back from Google which would provide enough scratch to buy that pack of gum I always wanted.

Well, that's all well and good, but the irony isn't lost on me when I go off on an 11-part tirade ripping Sears a new corn hole only to spy a ginormous ad for www.sears.ca hanging over my comments box like some sort of blood-engorged stirge.  Oh, irony thou art truly ironic!  

Nevertheless, I got a package of information from Google recently asking if I wanted to use a free $100.00 credit for AdWorks which would put my l'il ole Emblogification Capture Device at the top of the virtual pile of results if anyone searched keywords like "blog", "employment" or "crackpot". 

So, with due diligence, I followed the link, created my one hundred and seventy-fifth new website profile since leaving work in April and then redeemed my $100 coupon.  Basically it was my intention to drive it into the ground for about ten days (or until my credit ran out), hopefully pick up a few new readers and then drop the program like it was hot.

Well, great idea in theory but not so good in practice.  Turns out, for the aesthetic purposes of the ad, the entire URL address could only be thirty-five characters.  Mine was a whopping forty-nine! 

I tried every possible work around with no luck, so I just abandoned it.

Then, a few weeks later I get a phone call from some dude with Google AdWorks located in Arizona.  Curiosity piqued, I called him back and we had a lovely little chat about my little syntax hiccup.

"Well, I'll see what I can do to pare down the name of the blog," I said.  After all, fourteen of those forty-nine characters were not of my choosing like the http prefix, the blogspot.com and other irrelevant mush.  What the eff did I need that crap for?

Well, I went back in, mucked around for a bit and came to the conclusion that he wanted me to pare down my blog title!  What?!?  Ditch Emblogification Capture Device?  And change it to what?  My original title of You Can't Get There From Here had already been taken when I started.  There couldn't be any other title.  It was what it was!  What else could I possibly call it?  This Is Dave's Blog Entry? 

Hey, wait, that's actually not bad.  Crap!   And it's just the right amount of characters.  And I just thought of this now!!?  F#$%, I'm such an idiot!


Errrrrr, I mean, NO!  Was he nuts?  Right now if someone "Googles" the name of the blog, it's the first result to come up!  Not that anyone would ever do that on their own in a million years, but since April I've been doing a sort of grass-roots advertising campaign by leaving otherwise blank business cards lying around the HRM with Emblogification Capture Device cryptically printed in various fonts.   

The AdWorks dude soon called back and left a message for me, asking how I was doing in neutering my blog's name.  I couldn't bring myself to call him back and explain in some lame, pretentious, artsy temper tantrum that I can't change the name of the blog because it would be like changing the name of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button to Benji the Hunted.     

After he left literally a dozen voice mails I finally picked up on the last one, just as he was promising with a straight voice that this was "sure to be the last message".  I snatched up the phone and blathered in quick succession that I would, in no uncertain terms, rather die than give up the name of the blog and that Google, yes, Google needed to find some internal solve to get over this creatively inane forty-nine character limit.

He waited me out patiently and then assured me that the advertising URL and the actual URL were two totally different things.  He told me he was going to email over a link which would allow him to view the format of the site address so help me pare it down while retaining the original name of the blog.

I breathed a sigh of relief.  That was, until his next question...

"So, when we get this all squared away, have you given any thought as to what your daily advertising budget will be?"

I let a beat pass.  I'd already shown earlier that my hand of cards was composed entirely of Jokers, so I decided to lob that conversational grenade back into his foxhole.

"Daily advertising budget?  Um, well, what would you recommend?"

"Well, on the very minimum end of the spectrum, how does $11.00 a day Canadian sound?"

It was now my turn to let the crickets have a solo.

"Uh, yeah, listen, um..Ryu (name changed to protect the oblivious), I don't know if you actually read my blog, but it's basically about an unemployed clown bitching about his past jobs, banging on the drum all day and playing dress-up."

"Oh," he said.

"Yeah, and to be perfectly honest, I was just gonna use up the $100 credit and then drop it, unless all those schizophrenic Sears ads started to may off like loose slot machines in a moment of karmic payback..."

Ryu from AdWorks cleared his throat and then proceeded to gingerly navigate out of our suddenly pointless conversation.

"Oh, well, if that's the case, then let me just pass you along to another department that works with...smaller scale (translation: non-existent) budgets..."

I politely took the number down.  Before I hung up, I just had to ask:

"Ryu, why would someone send this to me?  I mean it's not as if my site is based around gold for cash or online sales of LE 3-D televisions.  Really, why did I get this mailer in first place?"

"Oh, likely it's because...you're did you say you were located again?  Up in P.E.I.?"

"Um, close, Nova Scotia."

"Well, it's likely our marketing department thought that your region was untapped, so to speak, so you likely were a part of a mass mailing."

Mass mailing?  Really?  I suddenly felt so unloved. 

NO REPLY

EPIC:  I'd whore for Cheap Trick anytime...


FAIL: Did these things get sent to me because people didn't read or because they couldn't because they "lost their glasses"? Here's the indescribably bizarre Pete Burns, lead singer for the 80's pop band Dead or Alive humiliating himself on British TV as part of Celebrity Big Brother in 2006...