Return of Obligatory Halloween Post

Greetings, Hallo-Weiners!

Last October I began to document the first formative experiences that scared the poo out of me as a young 'un. Well, kiddies, according to the calendar it's time once again to venture out into the realm of terror and incontinence.  So, grab a blanket, pop some popcorn, ease down onto that cold bedpan and I'll put on a couple of scary movies for ya...  

First, a word of introduction.  After seeing George A. Romero's Night of the Living Dead and Poltergeist back to back on Halloween night when I was twelve, I quickly came to the realization that I was still just a horror movie tenderfoot.  Although both of those films had effectively traumatized me, I suspected that there were even more intense cinematic nightmares out there just waiting to pounce.      

Even before I was old enough to rent a VHS tape or sneak into a theater, I tried to prepare myself for this eventuality the only way I knew how: I started reading about them.  I devoured one horror film anthology book after another.  Here are just a few notable examples:

While reading these books I began to suspect that certain film-makers (Mr. Romero, I'm looking in your direction) were certifiably nuts.  Crazy because they had no common courtesy nor respect for their audience.  Their only goal seemed to be to traumatize the viewer so badly that they'd end upon the floor in a fetal position with a thumb in their mouths and their undergarments distinctly "soiled".

I also got the distinct impression that guys who wrote these books were older dudes who thought that horror movies began with the classic Universal pictures and then ended with the Hammer films.  Anything more intense and gory then that was often regarded as a perverse incarnation of pure cinematic malevolence.  Growing up as a good "Catlick" boy, I didn't completely disagree with them, especially as I started to see these movies for myself.

So, I present to you, the first of several horror movies that I really thought had evil woven directly into the film stock.  I'll try and list them roughly in the order in which I saw them and I'll also include their rating (out of a possible 5) on the Evil-O-Meter...

An American Werewolf in London(1981) 

Now, you might think this an odd choice for an "evil" film, especially considering that it's also a very effective comedy.  But you also have to remember that it was one of the first contemporary horror movies I saw after the twin bludgeoning that was Night of the Living Dead and Poltergeist.

Director John Landis does a great job building atmosphere during the early goings of the film wherein two young American backpackers David (David Naughton) and Jack (Griffin Dunne) are seen hiking across the creepy moors of England.  The authentic-looking pubs and foggy on-location exteriors really help sell the film's realism.

And it's this dedication to realism that makes the subsequent lupine attack on David and Jack pretty intense.  David wakes up in a London hospital and is horrified to hear that his friend has been killed by some sort of wild animal.  Since his wounds are limited to a superficial bite mark, David is soon discharged and quickly shacks up with a cute British nurse named Alex, played by Jenny Agutter.

As a side note, if anything threatens the film's overall "evil" quotient it's the presence of Jenny Agutter.  She was definitely one of my first cinematic crushes.  Her unabashed willingness to get naked at the drop of a hat in such films as American Werewolf in London and Logan's Run really puts her in a cherished pantheon alongside other 80's hotties such as Jennifer Jason Leigh, Mathilda May, Phoebe Cates and Linnea Quigley.  *Sigh*

Having said that, the film's evil quotient gets dialed back up to "11" when Jack returns from the dead as a reanimated corpse.  He tries to warn David that he's been bitten by a werewolf and it's only a matter of time before he starts sprouting fangs and gnawing on jugular veins.  This is coupled with some terrible, violent nightmares in which David envisions himself stalking and killing a deer with his bare hands and witnessing his entire family get gunned down by Nazi monsters.

Despite how vivid all of these experiences are, David tries to dismiss it as a symptom of his trauma.  But we, the viewer, suspects that he knows that Jack is telling the truth.  When Alex leaves David alone in her apartment one night during a full moon, he begins to pace and fidget nervously.  Landis, the cruel bastard that he is, drags this scene out mercilessly.  The suspense is agonizing.

All of a sudden, as if by self-fulfilling prophecy, David starts screaming at the top of his lungs and then tears his clothing off.  What follows is a painfully protracted metamorphosis in which actor David Naughton convinces us that he's dying.  The first time I saw this, I was slack-jawed.  The practical, on-screen transmutation scenes coupled with the bone-crunching sound effects and David's genuine screams of agony, makes for a truly distressing sequence. Even the creature's disappointing final incarnation as a big shaggy dog can't diminish the genuine horrors that preceded it.  

For it's flagrant use of nudity, deadpan realism, agonizingly real performances and no-hold's-barred, flesh-warping transformations, American Werewolf in London scores a "3" on the Evil-O-Meter:

So, there you have it for another year, Zom-boys and Zom-bettes!  Join me again same time next year for another installment of my Obligatory Halloween Post.

Until then just ponder this:  if you thought that these movies were scary, wait til you see what earned a "5". 

Mu-HAW-HAW-HA-HAW-HAW-HA-HAW-HAW-HAW-HA-HAW-HAW-HA!!!

EPIC DOC PART ONE  While I was watching this movie, it would have been impossible for me to conceive that there were even more horrific films out there.  Here's a fantastic doc about how real societal upheaval inspired some of the nastiest films ever made.  Warning: the blending of gory fiction and even more repellent reality sometimes makes this doc a pretty difficult watch:

EPIC DOC PART TWO Great little "behind the scenes" mini-doc for American Werewolf In London.


FAIL  These movies gave me nightmares as a teenager so I can only imagine what they'd do to little kids.  Man, we really need to set up a licensing system for people who want to breed...

http://popwatch.ew.com/2007/01/29/in_the_summer_o/

Everybody Has A Price...Mine Just So Happens To Be Really Cheap.

Hello, Mes Amis.

Okay, so...in my previous entry I established how not to court me for future advertising opportunities.  Now I'd like list ten things that I'd happily shill for.

So, without further ado, here's DAVE'S TOP TEN THINGS HE'D PIMP OUT FOR IN A SECOND:

1. Good Movies  If you come to me with a decent film project I will flog it without mercy.  As a corollary, any motion picture involving the presence of Jennifer Aniston, a talking pet or a Saturday Night Live character spun out to feature length need not apply.  Also, as much as it pains me to say so, I will no longer be mentioning Star Wars anymore.  It's not that George Lucas raped my childhood, but he did invite it inside Skywalker Ranch with promises of candy and touched it in it's Danger Zone. 
2. Good Music  If your band or album doesn't suck, I will gladly shout your praises from the rooftops.  In fact, I'm so desperate for good music lately, I'm willing to promote you even if your music is merely  semi-distinguishable from everything else.  Also, to save us both some time, please note that your music will likely have no resonance with me if you're under the age of twenty.  What life lessons can I possibly glean from the lyrics of some snot-nosed kid who's cubes haven't even dropped yet?  Mark my words, in a few years some enterprising obstetrician/budding manager is gonna get rich by filming a still-in-utero video featuring a fetus with a comb-forward CGI hairdo lip-syncing inane lyrics to a dance track.  I'm tellin' ya, it's money. 
3. Good Television  Next month I was planning on doing a blog series on television, so for all you folks playing along at home: here's a sneak preview!  About four years ago I was blissfully snobby about the state of television and seemed perfectly content to write off the entire medium as a colossal waste of time.  Then this jackass I was working with at the time had the audacity to give me the first season of The Shield.  In light of this revelatory viewing, a whole new world chock-a-block with entertainment value opened up to me.  Entourage, Dexter, Freaks and Geeks, Battlestar Galactica, The Tudors, Supernatural, Mad Men, and Veronica Mars blew me away in quick succession.  Each episode is produced with the sensibilities of a mini feature film and not one of them involve tattooed orange people excusing the most reprehensible human behavior you can imaging with the mantra "Hey, you wouldn't understand, it's a 'Jersey' thing!"
4. Good Video Games  Video games have come a long way since their inception.  I have to credit early designers with coming up with inventive attempts at something passing for a game just to try and offset the crude graphical tools they had to work with.  But now, the visuals are so amazingly sophisticated that the best (like the Halo, Gears of War, Brother in Arms, Left 4 Dead, or Half-Life series) play out like interactive films.  Which is why, in my humble estimation, even at their worst, video games will always be superior to homogenized, crappy network television.  After all., with television, unless it's something really engaging or enriching, you're typically just sitting there inert, slowly being spoon-fed pablum-flavored entertainment, your brain getting fatter than Homer Simpson during the ironic punishment doughnut eating nightmare in Hell.  At least with video games, you're not quite so damned...passive.
5. Good Books  Have you ever heard the quote: "Yeah, the movie was okay, but the book was w-a-a-a-a-a-a-y better?"  Well, there's a reason for that: a wealth of additional details, the benefit of descriptive language, the power of imagination, and the author's freedom to do whatever he or she damn well pleases.  In the immortal words of Stephen King: "A day without a book is like a day without sunshine!"  Hmmmm, you'd think he'd be more of "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" kinda guy...                         
6. Good Board Games   Hey, I've already done an entire treatise on why I prefer board games over video games but this bears repeating: sometimes you just want to teabag an opponent in person.
7. Good Radio Stations  Only within the last month or so did the city of Halifax get a modern rock radio station worth crowing about.  "Live 105" is a virtual godsend in this city, which has suffered under the yoke of "classic" rock  for the past fifteen years.   Up until "Live 105" arrived on the scene the situation was pretty grim.  "C-100" propagated nothing but non-threatening manufactured pop product, "89.9 HAL FM" and "Q-104" were designed for people who are laboring under the erroneous belief that rock attained perfection in 1975 and "Kool 96.5" (wow, there's never been a more ironic name for a radio station, by the way) is a viable promotional tool for artists that are either all completely irrelevant, defunct or deceased.  And although "Live 105" is already starting to cheese me off a bit with their definition of "heavy rotation" at least I'm getting sick of songs produced in the last fifteen to twenty years.  Here's the link if you wanna give 'em a spin: http://www.live105.ca/
8. Good Comics It's kinda sad that this amazing medium has been ghettoized for so long.  It really doesn't  deserve to be written off as something just for kids.  In some ways, comics are a superior art form to both film and standard novels.  It gives a cool visual component, but unlike film it isn't so fleeting.  The Egyptians certainly thought it was a pretty solid way to tell a story; after all what are hieroglyphics other than panels of an ancient funny book?  I really do believe that titles such as Sin City, Bone, Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, Sandman, Watchmen, Preacher, The Walking Dead, From Hell, V for Vendetta and The Dark Knight Returns are all just as valid as works of literature as Ulysses and Atlas Shrugged.  
9. Good Beer  I had a bit of a struggle not to mention this one first, for fear of looking like a raging alcoholic, but I can't hold off any longer.  When I was in university, I always thought I hated beer abd eventually I learned to tolerate it.  Then, in a tremendous moment of epiphany, I tried a micro-brewed beer offered here in Halifax at the Henry House pub called "Old Peculiar".  I've never looked back since.  Guinness, Harp, Murphy's, Kilkenny, Smithwicks, Sapporo, Stella Artois, Hoegaarden and Innes and Gunn have all joined the ranks of my favorite beers.  Please take note of the conspicuous absence of Coors Lite, a beer for people who don't like the taste of beer, or Bud Lite Lime, the makers of which seem to be admit "Yeah, our crappy beer comes pre-skunky, so we're just gonna use some unnatural lime flavor to cover it up."  *Bleah*        
10. Grey Poupon  "Oh my God, if your makin' a toiky sammich, put a little bit of mayo on one side, slap on your toiky, get some fresh lettuce and a coupla slices of foim, ripe tomaita.  Then for a bit a zip, spread a bit a dis stuff on 'dere...it's like buttah!  It makes your sammich right poiky!"  Seriously, I'd put this stuff on toast for breakfast if I didn't so many weird looks from people.

So, if you think your represent one of the aforementioned products, contact me as soon as possible.  After all, by advertising on "You Can't Get There From Here" you'll may very possibly be able to reach literally dozens of readers.

EPIC:  Awww, who am I kiddin'?  Here, this should keep you busy for a bit.  Don't don't too freaky-deaky  with the mustard, tho...




FAIL: Sweet Jesus, can someone make Will and Jada Smith stop breeding already?

http://www.vevo.com/watch/willow/whip-my-hair/USSM21001602

Asparagus @ Midnight - Part I

It's not often that someone gets to check off three life-time goals in one night.

On Thursday May 6'th (and stretching into the infancy of Friday May 7'th) I accomplished the following:

(1) Gained legitimate access to a major motion picture being shot in our backyard without resorting to knocking out the key grip, stuffing his unconscious body in a "Port-A Potty" and stealing his hipster outfit to sneak onto the set.

(2) Potentially appear in a film as a background extra.

(3) Eat Lunch from a craft services truck.

After checking three of these biggies off the "Bucket List" I can say with all honesty that if I wasn't convinced before of what I was supposed to have been doing with the past fifteen years of my life, I certainly know now.

First, Gentle Reader, some back story.

If you don't know who Jason Eisener is, it's time you got educated. Here's link to a promotional website for his wildly successful short film "Treevenge" and you'll find a brief bio there: http://www.treevenge.com/.

After reading this I have to conclude that Jason is basically me if I'd been born in a place like Halifax and about ten years later. Growing up in small towns in Cape Breton and Newfoundland in the Seventies and Eighties if I'd told people I wanted to make movies for a living I'd likely have gotten more encouragement and direction if I'd expressed an interest in becoming a Sorcerer.

Anyway, it's quite clear that he and I share a lot of the inspirations that drove Jason to start actually making films. He's cited "The Thing", "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre", "The Road Warrior", "Aliens", "Halloween", and the "Evil Dead" trilogy all as major influences and frankly I'm right there with him.

Likely around the same age I expressed a desire to make a "Star Wars"-inspired movie on a cost-prohibitive, technologically crippled Super 8 camera, Jason gained access to a video camera and was off to the races. When the time came to pick a career path he had a feasible and attractive option: the labor-intensive but conveniently located Screen Arts program at the Nova Scotia Community College.  During and after he completed this he promptly began producing some stellar short films.

Things went into the stratosphere for him in 2007 when his fake trailer for “Hobo With a Shotgun” won the South By South West Trailer Competition. It gained the attention of indie cinema luminaries Robert Rodriquez and Quentin Tarantino and was attached to the release of their film "Grindhouse" in Canadian theaters that same year.

The mock trailer was so successful that Jason wisely opted to spin it off into a very real full-length film. When it was announced that lensing would begin in Dartmouth on April 19'th with cinema icon Rutger Hauer as the titular Hobo, I sent the following sad email to Jason via "Facebook":

"Hey, Jason.

Congrats on starting production on "HWAS".

I know this is likely a long shot, but hey, nothing ventured...

Are there any opportunities available to volunteer time and effort on your current production?
If so, can you let me know what channels I would need to follow in order to assist in any capacity.

Thanks in advance and all the best."

Not surprisingly, I didn't hear back. The dude's making a feature film, for f#@&'s sake and is likely busier than Obama. Also we live in a bizarre age where social networking has really skewed the tradition definition of what I'd consider to be a friend. The only time I'd ever met the dude is when he hosted the screening of "Pontypool" at the Oxford a year or so ago.

Now I didn't expect a personal response but I was hoping my offer might down to someone in the crew. "Hobo With A Shotgun" though a pretty major production, was still modestly budgeted and I'd hoped that the concept of free help is attractive to anyone.

I didn't hear back but I continued to remain vigilant for opportunities.

Anyway, on Wednesday I'd completed a blog entry mid-day, posted it to "Facebook" and then logged off to clean up my place and get dinner in order. Just minutes before company arrived at 7 pm for my weekly board game session I made the mistake of logging into "Facebook" and read the following alert posted at 3 pm, just a few hours after I'd left the site:

"Call for Extras is for tomorrow night asap:
Want to be an EXTRA in HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN?
We need volunteer extras for the big finale tomorrow (thursday) night
in Dartmouth (an all-night shoot). If you're down and want to lose your
mind on-camera please call ***-****, or email ****@*******.ca"

I followed the thread to the inevitable end and read in horror that all the slots had already been filled.

Desperate, I sent an email anyway, hoping against hope. Sure enough, after my guests had left at around 11 pm that night the following reply in my inbox was heart-crushingly certain: "Sorry, they've all been filled!"

Despondent, I went to bed, stunned that my unknown window of opportunity had passed by so quickly.

Well, next morning while working on this week's comic, I heard my email chime and went to have a look, expecting just a smack-talk filled post-game analysis for my mentally absent showing in last night's "Age of Mythology" match. Instead I sat blinking at this:

"Hi David,
If you'd like to come out tonight to volunteer, I can email you the info. Are you still interested?"

A fuse burnt out in my brain. How was this possible? What kind of moron would volunteer for this and then cancel?

But then I realized that most normal people (present company excluded) would probably find the following two truisms to be rather daunting:

(1) The shoot would be overnight, likely lasting between 6 or 7pm until 6 am I the morning. Remember that blog entry I did before about being awake during unnatural times of our twenty-four hour clock that I thought shouldn't even exist?  That's what I'm talkin' about.  
(2) It was an exterior shoot and the overnight forecast was rain and cold temps.

Trying to appear vaguely even-keeled I typed back a conservative "Very much so. Thanks!" and eagerly awaited my reply. Ten minutes later, this note came back. Bear with me, I've edited this considerably since I consider people who traffic in spoilers to suck harder than the average "Dyson":

"Great!

Below is the information needed, standby for your calltime:

I have you booked to do volunteer background work tomorrow night (Thursday, May 6th) on the film Hobo With a Shotgun. All of the information below is very important, please read it through carefully.

Your Calltime is TO BE DETERMINED. I will be sending out an email around 11am telling you what time to be on set. Please be sure to check your email and reply to confirm.

THIS IS A NIGHT SHOOT, YOU WILL LIKELY BE ON SET FROM AROUND 6 or 7pm UNTIL AROUND 6 am.

Please Report to: ******************(Directions to follow)
There will be a tent on site where you should sign in, please follow yellow signs that say "Extras Holding".

Your Character: A civilian or homeless person in a corrupt town. You are in GROUP B which means that you are a volunteer.

The scene: The dramatic end of the film: ***********************.

WARDROBE:
Please dress in drab clothing. Everybody in this town is somewhat poor and down on their luck- don't try to look nice. Feel free to bring options of clothing that are worn, stained, or ripped. We love the look of old jean and leather. Please be aware that there will be fake blood on set- this is likely to get on your clothing- so wear clothes that you don't care very much about. If you are somebody with punk gear please go all out with that look.

This scene is Exterior: Please bring options of coats, hats, gloves and scarves in drab colours. If it rains, please bring an umbrella and rain gear. Dress for night in NS-we all know how cold it can get.

Colours we like: earth tones: grey, brown, charcoal, dark blue, dark green, tan, washed out & faded colours
Colours to avoid: anything bright, solid black, solid white, red, patterns, logos

Please make sure that all clothing is clean.

PROPS: Please bring garden tools if you have them. (There is a good & fun reason for this.) The props department would love to see: shovels, rakes, hoes, pruning shears, etc. Please be sure to label your tools so that they don't get mixed up with other people's. If you can, please bring one tool for yourself and an extra one just in case somebody else needs one.

HAIR: Men: Please do not shave.
Women: Please don't try to look nice. Arrive with a base coat of foundation if you usually wear it, but don't wear much make-up other than that. We want everybody to look kind of rugged.

PARKING: There will be parking at this location.

THINGS TO BRING: The wardrobe and props outlined above; SNACKS and DRINKS, a small lunch will be provided, but please be prepared with your own food and drinks, you'll be happier if you do; Warm gear: it gets cold in NS in the night; Books, cards, games, anything that will keep you entertained and happy without being disruptive.

THINGS TO REMEMBER:
- Please DO NOT take photos on set.
-Please DO NOT talk to the cast, they are there to do a job, please don't bug them.
-Please DO NOT ask "when will we be finished?", the crew doesn't know either.
-Please DO turn off your cellphone. If it must be on, turn it to silent.
-Please DO NOT leave any valuables in Extras Holding. There are going to be a lot of people on set, so although the area is secure, I would not take any risks. The Production company is not responsible for lost or stolen property.

What you are committing to:
-Being on set on time, and guaranteeing your presence there until they finish filming (probably a 12 hour night). Please do not confirm if you can't commit to being there for the full 12 hours.
-Maintaining a Professional Attitude throughout the shoot- No drinking, drugs, or disruptive behavior.
-Being on set around graphic content: swearing, violence, prop guns, lots of fake blood

If you are unable to make the shoot, please reply to this email with the subject line "CANCEL" immediately. Otherwise, please keep a close watch on your email tomorrow morning so that you can confirm promptly.

Thank you"


By noon I'd received an 8 pm call time and sent confirmation that I'd be there. In fact, nothing short of a friggin' zombie apocalypse would have kept from going. Apart from worrying if I had the proper wardrobe, if I'd get the car back in time for my wife to get to work the next morning and whether or not I'd actually find the location, I was in!

It had taken thirty-nine years, but I was finally going to realize a dream come true.

CONTINUED IN PART II

Here's this week's "Dave's World" comic, which I started before all this foolishness came up. Strangely, it turned out to be kinda relevant, as you'll see in Part II on Monday.

Today's  "WARNING: Exploit-Sensational Adult content" EPIC/FAILS...

EPIC: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1LlazPgxKrA  Original "Hobo" trailer. 


BONUS EPIC: http://www.hobowithashotgun.com/   Official site for the full-length film.

BONUS, BONUS EPIC: http://twitchfilm.net/news/2009/09/beware-the-furious-foliage-its-jason-eiseners-treevenge.php  Jason's bloody and brilliant "Treevenge" short

FAIL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KCct4RwLNM    And what Exploitation Films look like on the south side of  "FAIL"...