"Toy Story III" : The Schwartz Will Be With Us...Always

 
Salutations, Star Warriors!

In May of 1977, Star Wars impacted my childhood like an Imperial biker scout into an Endor tree.  I walked into the theater a normal, average, everyday kid and came out with my imagination cranked up to "11" with the knob broken off.

Much has been said about the deal George Lucas made with 20'th Century Fox in order to get Star Wars bankrolled.  The studio probably thought they were making out like banditos when they short-changed Lucas's director's fee in lieu of profit points and the film's merchandising rights.  Back then, the only movie that had made any substantial coin from tie-ins was Planet of the Apes.  I wonder if the Fox executives sat back and laughed at Lucas for what they must have though was a pretty noob move?

But the young visionary knew that toys based on his sprawling space saga had the potential to be big business.  Back in 1976, he asked Mego Corporation to produce a line of Star Wars action figures but he was immediately shot down.  This discarded offer was promptly picked by Kenner Products, a division of General Mills who were best known for producing such childhood classics as Spirograph, the Easy-Bake Oven and Play-Doh.

Along with everyone else on the planet, Kenner was taken completely by surprise when Star Wars suddenly become a world-wide cultural phenomenon.  In fact, they didn't even have the the capability to produce toys in time for the highly-prized 1977 Christmas season.  Their solution to this was as bizarre as it was ballsy: they ended up selling fans an empty box.

       

Included in the "Early Bird Certificate Package" was a pre-order document that you could fill out and send back to Kenner.  Then, in two to six months (!), you'd receive your first four Star Wars action figures in the mail.  During this agonizing wait, kids could bide their time by validating the enclosed Star Wars Fan Club Membership Cards, glue stickers to the family cat or stare wistfully at the full-color diorama included with the package.  Hey, what can I say, we had no Internet back then.

Somehow this whole "Early Bird" racket managed to pass me by.  In fact, I was oblivious to the concept of Star Wars merchandise until one fateful day when my parents were dragging me towards the exit of a Woolworths in Sydney Cape Breton in the Spring of 1978.  Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I spied something in the distant toy department.  Back then I was so attuned to Star Wars imagery that I probably would have seen this display behind a foot-thick wall of lead: 

   

Back then, our knowledge of what was transpiring in the world was pretty much limited to the range of our own senses.  As a result, this was literally the very first time I'd ever laid eyes on Star Wars action figures.  Without any ado, I wriggled free of my parent's grip, ran over to the toys, stripped off all my clothes and then started rolling around in the display box naked.  

Pictured here are the first twelve Star Wars action figures released in the stores:  

From left to right and back to front: Stormtrooper, R2-D2, Darth Vader, Ben (Obi-Wan) Kenobi, Jawa, Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Chewbacca, Princess Leia Organa, C-3PO, Death Squad Commander and a Sandperson. 

   

After a bout of concentrated pan-handling, my folks let me pick out a few of them.  At the steep price of $1.88 a pop, they certainly couldn't afford to buy all of them for me, so I had to make a heart-rending decision right there on the spot.  Back then I was all about the GOOD GUYS so I think I ended up with Luke, R2-D2, C-3PO and Darth Vader.  

From that point on, every scrap of allowance money I managed to save was laid down at the altar of Kenner's Star Wars action figure toy line.  Between 1978 and 1982 I was the easiest kid on the planet to buy for.

"Whattaya want for Christmas / Easter / Groundhog Day?" relatives would ask me.

"Star Wars action figures!" I'd invariably reply.

"But I don't know which ones you have and don't have!" they'd protest.

"That's alright!" I'd chime back.  "You're always safe with Stormtroopers, Jawas and Sandpeople!  You can't have enough of those guys!"  

By the time my eighth birthday had come and gone that summer, I'd managed to collect every figure in that inaugural wave.  But then the good folks at Kenner decided to throw us kids a curve ball and began producing play sets and vehicles.  As such, I started to exchange child labor for the scratch required to purchase Luke Skywalker's signature Land Speeder:  

His X-Wing Fighter:

And the Creature Cantina ("Nagamaroo!"):

I wasn't the only Seventies kid who was obsessed with this stuff; our entire generation was buying Star Wars toys like rats on cocaine.  I wonder how long it took before the execs at Kenner realized that they had a Bantha-sized cash cow on their hands?  I imagine if was probably just seconds after receiving the sales figures for that first quarter of 1978.  After realizing how rich they now were, they probably turned to each other and said:

"Have you actually seen this friggin' movie?  I mean, there are literally f#ck-tons of freaky-deaky creatures just hangin' out in the background.  Sure, we made figures out of the main characters but what about that guy with the weird-shaped head in the space bar?  Make a doll outta him!  The kids'll go nuts!"

And, lo and behold, that's exactly what they did.  Here's the considerably more esoteric rogues gallery produced for the second wave of figures:

From left to right: Greedo, Death Star Droid, Boba Fett, Snaggletooth, Hammerhead, Luke Skywalker: X-Wing Pilot, R5-D4, Walrus Man and Power Droid.  

Now, did I care that these characters were more obscure?  Hells, no!  At first I was just jazzed that Luke Skywalker finally had some X-Wing appropriate-attire.  But after sustaining Luke, Leia and Han through endless adventures, my interest slowly started to turn towards the fringes of the Star Wars universe.  What was the deal with R5-D4's timely breakdown?  What planet did Hammerhead come from?  Pretty soon, the ill-fated Greedo was in the running as one of my favorite action figures.

That's when we began to realize that these characters could be more then just window dressing.  Via hours of creative play, we eventually assigned origins, motivations and back-stories to even the most obscure bit players.  Way before these guys had had canonical names and lore attached to them we were invited as kids to make up our own.  In retrospect, how could I possibly slight Kenner for that?

Besides, how many people can claim that some of their most cherished childhood toys were given to them for free?  Well, that was certainly the case for one of the most popular action figures of all time: Boba Fett.  Not many people know this, but the galaxy's most notorious bounty hunter didn't make his debut in The Empire Strikes Back.  Indeed, any true Star Wars fan worth his lightsaber knows that Fett was the only decent thing to emerge from that steaming pile of wookiee dung known as The Star Wars Holiday Special:

If you can look beyond the trippy animation courtesy of Nelvana, this groovy cartoon featured the voices of all the original cast as well as the first appearance of the galaxy's most unapologetic bad-ass.  Here Fett wantonly indulges in animal cruelty, bold-faced deception and acts of random violence.  And, most importantly, he doesn't sound like a f#@king Kiwi.

Kids could get Boba Fett for free just by mailing in four proof-of-purchase tabs from the back of any Star Wars action figure to Kenner!  Since I was fascinated by the sometimes-rare images on the front of the cards, I couldn't bear to throw any of them out.  As such, whenever Kenner proposed another one of their freebies, I always had a huge proof or purchase surplus at my disposal.

These free figure offers actually happened with alarming regularity.  In fact, here's a personal favorite of mine: "Bossk, Alien Bounty Hunter".  As a side note, WORST SECRET EVAR.

  

By then I had over twenty of these little plastic bastards and no place to store them.  Well, leave it to Kenner to sell you yet another empty box, this one designed to house all the crap that you'd already bought from them.  Pure evil genius.

Now, Kenner wasn't content just selling a hojillion three-and-three-quarter sized action figures.  They also produced a series of twelve-inch toys designed to compete with G.I. Joe and those super-heroic Megos.  Although this scale wasn't nearly as successful as their diminutive cousins, it did result in the creation of some of the best toys ever produced.  Unfortunately they were also kinda pricey and, as such, I only had Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader out of this line:

To this day I'd still murder me own Gran to get my hands on twelve inches worth of Boba Fett and / or the Stormtrooper.

Wow, that sounded terrible.  And on so many different levels.    

Just as a casual aside, if anyone out there wants to buy either of these guys for me as a birthday gift, I wouldn't object.  Seriously, go right ahead, you have my permission.  Fill yer boots.    

When The Empire Strikes Back exploded in theaters on May 21'st 1980 we officially entered the Golden Age of Star Wars mania.  In conjunction with the film's release, Kenner made sure to immortalize ten of the film's characters in "Wave D" of their action figure line:

Pictured from left to right: Han Solo (Hoth Outfit), Rebel Soldier (Hoth Battle Gear), FX-7, Imperial Stormtrooper (Hoth Battle Gear), Luke Skywalker (Bespin Fatigues), Leia Organa (Bespin Gown), Lando Calrissian, Bespin Guard, Bossk (Bounty Hunter), IG-88.  An early release Yoda was included with the Dagobah Play Set (see below).  

And with it came a virtual assault of Empire-related vehicles and playsets, such as the totally pimp Rebel Armored Snowspeeder:

The Twin-Pod Cloud Car:

The Tauntaun and Hoth Wampa:

Fett's Vette, Slave I:

The distinctly poultry-esque AT-ST Scout Walker:

And then there's Yoda's crib, included with the Dagobah Action Play Set:

I also managed to snare some of first film's toys this time around.  Thanks to my inexplicable fetish for Stormtroopers and giant lizards, the Patrol Dewback was a foregone conclusion:

I was also keen on the Death Star Space Station play set, which I'd coveted ever since it first appeared in the Consumer's Distributing Christmas catalog:

But in a stroke of good fortune, I got the Death Star Play Center instead.  It was a Sears Wish Book Exclusive back in 1980 and it's now regarded as one of the rarest and most valuable Star Wars collectibles in existence!

And then there was the greatest toy I ever owned: the mother-f#@king Millennium Falcon, yo!  Han Solo's legendary ship sent my imagination into hyperspace and resulted in countless hours of action and adventure!  

To populate all of these brave new vistas, Kenner cranked out nine new figures in 1981:

This assortment included Dengar, Imperial Commander, Rebel Commander, AT-AT Driver (a personal fav of mine), Ugnaught, wide-release Yoda, Leia (Hoth Outfit), Lobot, Han Solo (Bespin Outfit), and 2-1B.      

The following year nine more figures materialized including Hoth Battle Gear Luke Skywalker, AT-AT Commander, TIE Fighter Pilot, (Twin Pod) Cloud Car Pilot (OooOoo, exciting!), bounty hunters Zuckuss and 4-LOM, and a racially-diverse Bespin Security Guard.

Even as a ten year old kid I began to suspect that Kenner was starting to scrape the bottom of the barrel with some of these dubious choices.  For example, "R2-D2 with Sensorscope" was the exact same figure from the very first wave but with a little plastic vibrator that popped out of the top of his head.  Lame!

I started to become jaded, to the point where I didn't even bother to track down the C-3PO with Removable Limbs.  My twelve year old brain reasoned that if I really wanted that particular option I could just rip the arms and legs off of the old figure.

Regardless, these wonderful toys allowed me to pass the time while waiting for the release of Return of the Jedi.  But when the trilogy's final film appeared in theaters on May 25'th 1983, it actually fueled my growing Star Wars cynicism.  Compared to the first two movies, I thought Jedi was creatively fatigued, juvenile and kinda slap-dash.  Half way through the film I was silently hoping for an Ewok ethnic cleansing.

As a result, I didn't collect very many of the Jedi-era toys.  By that time I was thirteen years old and way more interested in heavy metal music, Dungeons & Dragons and girls, oblivious to the fact that these things were mutually exclusive as well.  I guess, at that stage, I was all Star Wars-ed out and thought that toys were best left behind in childhood.

But between 1978 and 1982 Kenner, Star Wars and I had a really good run.  It's funny how four short years can feel like an entire epoch to a kid.  Although some folks might look at all of this as an unholy marketing ploy, these great toys ensured that every day of my idyllic childhood was an exciting adventure in that Galaxy Far, Far Away...

EPIC MEMORIES:  In all estimation, Star Wars paraphernalia appears in at least 30% of my childhood photos.  Here a few select snaps from over the years:

Here I am hangin' with an omnipresent Stormtrooper and test-flying my new T.I.E. Fighter at my grandparent's house, Christmas 1978.

Star Wares on Christmas morning, circa 1980.  Note Snowspeeder, Dewback, Tauntaun, C-3PO model, ESB storybook and one very confused dog.  P.S. that big-ass red-wrapped box contained a certain highly-modified YT-1300 light freighter.  Subsequent photos document a distinct loss of shit on the part of yours truly and, as such, are not included here.  

The Wonder Awkward Years.  That hand-held Space Invaders game provided the briefest of diversions from Boba Fett's exploits and Luke's fulfilled promise to Yoda.  P.S. in my continuity, the Jedi Master never died.    

EPIC PHOTO CREDITS:  Display Box, Wave "A", Wave "B", Death Star Play Area, Wave "D", Wave "F".

FAILED TOY COMMERCIAL:  Hmmmmm, I wonder why they didn't make a "Horny Itchy" action figure complete with "Diahann Carroll Virtual Reality Porn Goggles"?  

Don't Worry, You'll Fix It In Post

Salutations, Subsequent Scribes!

True story, Star Wars almost killed its creator.

Due to a constant onslaught of one crisis after another, George Lucas nearly had a coronary while filming A New Hope.  While shooting on location in Tunisia, none of the robots would work.  A freak rainstorm destroyed half the sets.  Anthony Daniels, who played C-3PO, nearly died of heat prostration and had his own foot impaled by the costume.

Even after the production moved into the domesticated environs of Elstree Studios in London, Lucas's woes didn't end.  The seasoned British crew often looked down their nose upon the film's "kiddie" subject matter as well as its young, upstart American director.  Sometimes, after spending hours on a complicated set-up, George would be left apoplectic with rage when the entire crew suddenly decided to drop everything and have tea.  

Just when things couldn't get any worse, they did.  Lucas's startup special effects house Industrial Light and Magic hadn't lensed a single useable effects shot, despite having blown a million dollars well into production.  At the same time, Lucas was fighting a daily battle on set with veteran cinematographer Gil Taylor over the use of soft-focus lenses.  George wanted a dreamy, fairy-tale look for the film, but the prickly Taylor chafed under such specific orders.

Even the actors were overtly willful and contentious.  Kenny Baker, the little due inside R2-D2, fully expected the film to be a complete and utter disaster.  Harrison Ford was particularly critical of Lucas's dialogue, famously telling him "You can type this shit, George, but you can't say it!"  As a result, Lucas became even more depressed, withdrawn and uncommunicative.  Most of the time, his primary direction to the actors consisted of repeating "Faster, more intense!" over and over again.          

As the film started to go over budget and over schedule, another layer of pressure was introduced.  The bean counters at 20'th Century Fox gave the young director a terrifying ultimatum: either finish shooting the film within a week or the production would be shut down.  By splitting the crew into three separate shooting units, Lucas managed to finish principal photography just days before the plug was pulled.

During this particularly trying time, Lucas began to experience severe chest pains and shortness of breath.  Assuming that it was heart failure, George was rushed to the hospital where doctors diagnosed him with exhaustion and severe hypertension.  He was ordered to reduce his stress level and get some rest; two luxuries that he simply did not have.

To get the movie finished under such brutal time constraints, Lucas was often heard to say: "We gotta keep moving.  Don't worry, we'll fix it in post."  Sometimes I wonder if the young film-maker actually believed his own advice, especially after seeing the film's initial rough cut.  By all accounts, John Jympson's first edit of the film came as a crushing blow to Lucas.  It made the movie look like deleted footage from a cheap 70's T.V. cop show.

But slowly, inexorably, things did start to get fixed in post, just like he'd predicted.  ILM began delivering some groundbreaking special effects shots.  John William's grandiose score elevated the sometimes-cheesy material into the realm of myth.  And, most importantly, the masterful editing work by Paul Hirsch, Richard Chew and George's rarely-lauded ex-wife Marcia transformed the listless, boring footage into dynamic and exciting motion picture.  In fact, the trio would go on to win an Oscar for their efforts.

So what's the point of this extended title crawl?  Only this: the lesson contained herein is vital to every single writer.

Many a day I've dragged ass on a piece of writing because I'm totally convinced that what I'm writing is garbage.  But then, when I run it through two or three editorial passes, something magical happens.  First it becomes presentable, then it becomes palatable and then it become something pretty durned good.

For what it's worth: here's my current work flow:

1. Getting an Idea That's Worth The Trouble    Some may argue, with considerable evidence, that I'm not discriminating enough in this regard.  To this, I offer the eloquent rebuttal: cram it with walnuts, poncho.  Hey, at least I never have to deal with writers block, which, frankly, is the kiss of death for any writer as far as I'm concerned.  
2. Filtering Ideas Through A Pen Is Like Pumping Oil Through A Straw  As long as I've got  a stout cup of dark roast coffee in front of me I usually don't have any problem getting my ideas down on paper.  But the process is hideously inefficient and often results in wastage.  I think that's why most people despise the process of writing.  By the time they're done scratching up a journal or mashing their keyboard the Übermensch concepts frolicking around in their head come out looking like something in a David Lynch movie.
3. From Analog To Digital  I often subject myself to this additional step which I admittedly have  a love/hate relationship with.  Although I'm currently typing this directly onto Blogger's blank-white compositional face, I often do a first draft on looseleaf.  I usually do this with my "work-related" movie reviews but sometimes I just wanna write in a coffee shop and I don't want to drag my laptop along with me.  Sorry, but feverishly scribbling something onto filler paper always makes me feel like a kid again.  Even better, people look at me as if I'm going math problems with an abacus.  Despite this seemingly archaic method, I can usually expunge my ideas a lot quicker via these frenetic chicken scratchings then with the old hunt n' peck keyboard method.  To be perfectly candid, I actually hate typing stuff into a computer.  In fact, I despise it with all the fire of a million suns.         
4. Three Words: Fine Tooth Comb  Seriously, folks, this is where the magic happens.  To all the prospective writers out there: don't be discouraged if your first draft looks irredeemably stillborn and twisted.  You'll be surprised what three editorial passes will do for any nebulous chunk of poetry or prose.  On the first read-though, you'll wipe away the embryonic fluid and gently gather your fragile creation into your arms.  With the second bash, your ideas will shakily come to their feet like Bambi on ice, anxious to impress.  On the third and final brush-up, your brainchild will now be standing erect, hands on hips, with bright eyes beaming in a silent challenge to be appraised and appreciated.  

So, please, don't become despondent when you sit down to write something and it comes out all wonky.  Just tell yourself "Don't worry, I'll fix it in post."  It certainly worked out for Star Wars, didn't it?

Note to self RE: the Star Wars prequels: consider writing blog entry about the importance of collaborating with people more talented then yourself.  

EPIC EDIT  See, judicious trimming makes everything better!

EXCISE FAIL  Although her ample contributions to Star Wars have been excised from history like a member of the Politburo, fans really owe a debt of gratitude to Marcia Lucas.

Ode To A Tech-Free Childhood

Hello, Virtual Play Palz!

I read recently that American kids spend almost eight hours a day watching T.V., playing videogames, surfing the net, and presumably typing 'LOL' a hundred times in a row.  I find this statistic to be supremely troubling.

But before I start getting all self-righteous ("Too Late, Gramps!"), I must confess that we really didn't have the sort of sophisticated and compulsively addictive diversions that wee ones now have access to.  If I'd been born in the past, say, twenty years, I'd probably be checking new texts every ten seconds like a rat on cocaine as well.

Nowadays kids have all kinds of cool shit at their disposal: streaming video, smart phones, iPads, and Blu-Ray players.  Cripes, even their friggin' eyewear will soon become leet.

Just as an example, look at how far video games have come.  Here's a dragon as depicted in last year's The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim:

And here's a dragon from the Atari video game Adventure from 1979:

In the immortal words of Thor, God of Thunder: "Verily, I shit thee not." 

And I had to wait ten or eleven years before I encountered technology like that.  When I was really young, like seven or eight, this was my idea of a video game...

And for comparison's sake, here's what a hockey player looks like in NHL 13: 

And here's what that same player looked like in Mattel Electronics Hockey (magnified 300%):

That's right, kids!  Imagine not being able to tell the difference between Sidney Crosby and a friggin' price sticker?

Despite our clearly primitive graphics capabilities, I still had the best childhood you could ever imagine.  Any given day during the summer was a new and exciting adventure.  First off, you'd get up at the crack of dawn and watch Star Blazers while eating a mixing bowl filled with cereal...  

  

Nutritious breakfast consumed, you'd hop on your bike and pedal furiously down to your best buddy's place.  In fact, the better part of your day would be spent astride your one-speed crotch rocket.  Often we'd ape adult behavior by selecting a destination and pedaling there at a drunkenly neglegent rate (sans helmet, natch!).  Once we got there, we'd deploy our kick stands and "hang out" (I.E. loiter), leaning on our seats like motorbike-riding teenagers and taking care not to stray too far from our "rides" lest we invite a case of "Grand Theft Bike".

Then we'd pester the bejesus out of some poor shop-keep, buying penny candy in batches of one or blowing our wads on one of these lurid and colorful titles:

 
En route back home we'd encounter the neighborhood spoiled rich kid who's parents could afford to buy him a Green Machine or Big Wheel.  This moron would brag that he'd be doing a "crazy jump" in the dirt lot across the street from our apartment building at 2 pm so we'd "better be there" 'cuz it's "gonna be just like Evel Knievel".

So naturally we'd all show up at the appointed time to gawk and make fun of this dumb f#@k as he tried in vain to pedal up a flimsy plywood ramp on a plastic bike.  Fast forward a few months later and Richy Rich would still be trying to kill himself for the sake of some "respek", perhaps this time astride a heavy, oversized motocross bike that would flip him off into the woods after he invariably lost his balance half way up the ramp.

Later that same afternoon a rumor would begin to circulate that THE ASSHOLE KIDS WHO LIVED UP ON THE HILL had greviously insulted someone's neighborhood / mom / bike and challenged us to a rock fight a 4 pm sharp.  Speaking of sharp, the traditional arena for this tilt was the empty lot (hey, what can I say, we had a lot of lots back then) at the bottom of THE HILL behind our apartment, which was nicely stockpiled with shale, I.E. the WMD's of the Grade Two-set:

Mercifully there was also several large boulders to take cover behind so this often went on like a protracted, low-rent version of laser tag until the first kid got clipped and the battle was decided.  Even these early experiences served to delineate a clear line in the sand between childhood fantasy and painful adult reality.  

FANTASY: "My newly acquired Spider-Man web shooters will surely be the deciding factor in the coming battle!"    

  

REALITY: "Ze web shooters, zey do NOTHINK!!!"

Knowing full well that we still had at least three solid hours of daylight left, we'd scrarf our dinners down like pythons eating a capybara.  We were soon back outside again, either leading a platoon of stormtroopers in a futile search for droids or creating our very own Sim City for a fleet of dinkies:

Which brings me to a quick aside.  One time while me and my buddies were playing dinkies, the resident ruffian Alan came along and kicked apart all of our painstakingly elaborate civic planning.  That particular day I'd spent most of the morning reading Batman comic books, so I decided to do what Batman does to every villain: I stood and tried to punch the bully square in the mush with a haymaker.  Unfortunately my quarry ducked and I ended up punching the brick wall that he was standing behind.  Yowtch!    

Then, just before dusk you and your team of pint-sized Steve Irwins would catch a grass snake, sparking off a heated U.N. style debate about which lucky big game hunter would be allowed to take it home.  One time when I was the "winner" I had to spend hours lobbying to keep the beast in my room.  Eventually my poor long-suffering mother let me seal it up in a disused aquarium with an entire set of encyclopedias holding the lid down.  The next morning my room stunk like the gorilla cage at Granby Zoo after a week-long maintenance strike.

Yeah, it goes without saying that releasing the snake back into his natural habitat was my first action item in that particular day.

Honestly, every summer day would be like that: a constant rinse, wash and repeat of outdoor adventures.  I know that kids today posses vastly superior diversions but frankly I'd never trade it for my own low-tech childhood.

EPIC   Go ahead...live the adventure that is, um...Adventure.

FAIL   And we wonder why there's a health epeidemic in North America.

That's How I Roll - Part III - "GAME ON!"

What up, High Rollas?

Welcome to my third and (hopefully) ongoing series about board games. 

Alright, let's play!

So, for the Dedicated Readers amongst you who have indulged my folly thus far, you're probably still thinking: why board games?  Why?  I'm asking you right now.  Answer me!!!!

*Whoah!*  Well, I guess before we go any further it's time for:


DAVE'S TOP TEN REASONS TO PLAY BOARD GAMES:

(10)  It's the gift that keeps on giving.  If you buy a well-researched board game that you and your friends really like you'll likely end up playing it a zillion times.  People routinely pay ten bucks for a one-shot movie that may or may not entertain you for a few hours, so why not invest in a $40 board game that you'll get hours of enjoyment from?  And as you'll see below there's even a few simple card games you can buy which are about the same price as a movie ticket (or less if you made the mistake of buying a bottle of theater water) but will give you infinitely more amusement mileage.    

(9) Grab n' go.  Tired of lugging that tower, monitor and/or game console somewhere?  Board games are low on wiring and high on portability!


(8) "Whattaya mean all board games aren't as boring as Monopoly?" I keep picking on decrepit, ole' Monopoly, but antiquated crap like that gives my beloved hobby a bad name.  Board games are unique in that almost everybody has had some experience playing them as a child.  In fact, if you go back to the first two parts in this series about my own formative years with board games you can probably see why you drifted away from them.  After a while board games just become associated  with the trappings of childhood.  The only difference between me and you is that I've been lucky enough to encounter evidence that board games are (in many ways) even more appropriate for adults than kids.

It's a real treat for me to see a lapsed gamer play something from my collection and become overwhelmed with child-like excitement in spite of themselves.  For many, the epiphany they experience when they realize that not all games suck, bite and/or blow makes them downright giddy with joy.  It's as if you took the clown makeup off an old friend and they're revealed as someone you can discuss the latest episode of True Blood with.   

(7) Great 'WTF'?! factor.  When you play through a video game, you're typically done with it.  With board games however, the experience is likely to be different every time you roll a die or assemble a unique new group of characters together.   

(6) It's time well wasted.  Unlike the oft-solitary pursuits of watching a T.V. box set or playing through a video game alone, board games allow you to reminisce about the fun, communal experience you just shared with your peeps.   We still talk about old, funny D&D stories to this day...("Hey, remember that time when Thomas kept gettin' knocked out by traps because he was opening every chest he came across like Curious friggin' George?")

(5)  You get to fondle some nice bits.  Seriously.  Even in this day and age when we can read a book without ever turning a paper page I still believe human beans (?) are tactile creatures that like to maul stuff.  When you break out a board game like Zombies!!! just time how long it takes for people to start rolling the dice, flipping through the cards and/or making little "grrrrr, argh" noises with the little plastic ghouls.

(4)  You can trash talk people properly.  Sorry, but there's something cold and antiseptic about the anonymous smack-talk often encountered with online gaming.  For example, X-box Live seems to be rife with prepubescent ass goblins who feel brave enough to constantly call into question your sexual orientation only because mommy isn't within earshot.  I don't even play with a headset anymore.  Plus, there's something satisfying about winning a board game, jumping up on the nearest chair (crazy Tom-Cruise style) and yelling "SUCK IT!" to you opponents.  Or a simple "HAW!  HAW!" could suffice I guess.

(3)  Give Yer Noodle Some Exercise (No, not that noodle!) Our daily work and home lives are sometimes pretty mundane.  A lot of us spend all day at work staring at a monitor doing things contrary to our common sense and human nature.  To get through this monotony we often go home at night and self-medicate with passive doses of crap reality T.V. like Dwarfs on Vacation or some other tripe.

Board games keep your brain analytical and frosty.  And if you don't keep your melon in shape you may turn into one of those senior citizen that goes rogue from their retirement home and when they find you you're sitting on the shoulder of the road without pants rubbing gravel in your hair and barking like a dog.  I'm just sayin' is all.   


(2) Everybody got game.  Have a group of people who don't like complicated rules?  Then check out one of the "Abstract", warm-up games below.  Do you like games that have a cool narrative and by the time you've finished, you feel as if you've participated in a really good interactive movie or book?  The "Thematic" suggestions will be right up your alley.  Like "Party" games but tired of getting burned by the shite those kiosks in the mall sell around Christmas time?  Then have a gander at the revelations below.  There is literally a game out there for every competition level, temperament, gender, age, experience level, complexity and taste.

(1) Face time.  As important as it is for people to be touchy-feely, it's triply important that they pull themselves away from their LCD and plasma teats and actually gather together in groups occasionally.  A few months ago I was at an Irish pub downtown and saw four kids in their early twenties sitting at a table together.  Not one of them was talking to the other.  They were all just sitting around texting so furiously that their tongues were sticking out of the corner of their mouths.  Now, that's just sad people.

Little wonder we're all becoming more and more socially retarded.  A good board game is an excuse for folks to gather together, reconnect, have a few casuals and make fun of each other.  And, let's face it, isn't that what life should really be about?   
 
So, where to begin?  I'm gonna break these games down into a few simple categories to help you decide what's best for you and your homies.  In each category I'll give you a personal recommendation and briefly explain what the game is about and who it might appeal to:


ABSTRACT GAMES

For all you Matisse, Kandinsky and Van Gogh freaks, this is the choice for you.  Abstract games are games for gaming's sake.  They have no theme or story, per se, but they're typically quick-playing, simple, surprisingly tactical and serve as a good warm up for people who don't have a lot of experience with modern games.

Here are a few of my faves: 

Ingenious is played on a board broken down to hex-spaces.  The game comes with 120 two-hex pieces with different symbols on them.  The players take alternate turns placing their pieces, one at a time, down on the board so that the matching symbols line up.  In doing so you score points.  The game ends when there's no longer any room to place a tile and the winner is the player who has the most points in his or her lowest symbol category.  In other words, you really have to play a balanced game.

This a fantastic option for just about anyone.  I've really lost count of  how many parents and non-gamers I've impressed with this one.  It's a great start if you're just easing your way back into the hobby.  I give it four die pips out of six:

Here are two other suggestions in that same category:



Our next category: COLLECTIBLE GAMES.

For all you "hoarder" types out there, here's one for you.  "Collectible" games are usually based on some sort of attractive fantasy or licensed property and often have built-in fan appeal.  Young kids love 'em, older kids love 'em and forty-year-old kids love 'em.  The games are usually sold in some sort of complete and playable "starter set" but if you dig the game you can augment your experience by picking up "booster packs" that add more cards, terrain, figures and options.

Here are a few of my faves:

Okay, well, as you might guess, the Star Wars Miniatures game is a way for arrested-development types like myself to rationalize some half-way socially acceptable manner to play with action figures.  Each miniature (which often vary in scarcity from "common" to "very rare") comes with a special card that summarizes their unique abilities and each figure has a certain point value based on relative strength.  For example an AT-AT Walker is worth 200 points and a sad, scared l'il Rebel Trooper is worth five points.  Each player builds an "army" using an agreed upon point total and the battle begins!

The figures slug it out on a variable terrain grid map with blasters, lightsabers, grenades, force-powers and other assorted methods of Lucasian-inspired destruction.  You play until someone meets the pre-set victory conditions which could be as elaborate as "capture the flag" or as simple as "Wipe them out, all of them!"

These are fun games but the collectible angle can make them a slippery slope for those of you with addictive personalities that demand you "MUST HAVE ALL THE PRECIOUSI!"  People who are fans and have a semblance of self control are in for a real treat, however.

I give "Star Wars Miniatures" a solid 5 pips out of 6:

 And here are a few more beauties to ponder from that same category:



Next up are FAMILY GAMES.  These are generally quick n' easy games that appeal to a pretty broad audience.  Unlike the "Abstracts" they have a bit of theme tacked on to give people something to relate to but try not to simulate stuff.  Here's a particularly non-threatening suggestion:

In Ticket To Ride, players compete to connect major cities to one another by trading in matching sets of colored cards for plastic trains which they use to complete routes.  It isn't particularly complicated, long or "conflicty" so it's easy for just about everyone to have a good time.

I give Ticket To Ride a solid four pips outta six:

Now for those you out there that think trains are a bit too wienerish, check out this bad boy:

 
That's right folks, you can be entertained by a board game and get trained for 2012 all at the same time!

Despite it's grim subject matter, Pandemic is a blast.  Players take the role of a member of the Center of Disease Control (like "Dispatcher", "Scientist" or "Engineer") and work together as a team to cool down germy hot-spots around the world.  They co-cooperatively race against time to find the cure for four distinct afflictions while the game uses a brilliant card-deck mechanic to simulate ever-escalating outbreaks and tick down the doomsday clock.  This may not be the best choice for hypochondriacs but for people that can get beyond the apocalyptic theme, they're in for a crazy ride.

I gotta give Pandemic five pips out of six:

And here's slew of similar recommendations.  You really can't go wrong with any of these:

 

Next stop on the "Gamey Train": PARTY GAMES (Woot!!!)  First out of the gate its:

Do you like "trivia"-style games but sometimes feel like a victim of a head injury because you keep answering wrong?  Well, in Wits and Wagers, you don't need to know the answer, you just need to know which one of your opponents knows the answer!  That right, if you have no clue whatsoever you can just wager your betting chips on the dude or dude-ette with the big, throbbing brain sitting next to you.

I give Wits and Wagers four pips outta six:

Another game that has started many an acquaintance of mine on the road to board game Renaissance is Apples To Apples:

This can't get any simpler, folks.  Each player takes turns being a judge.  He randomly draws a "Thing" card (like "Helen Keller" for example) and the other players place one face-down "Description" card out of their hand that they think you'll secretly pick as a suitable match.

Sticking with "Helen Keller" as the example some people might play a "Description" card like "Brave", "Determined" or "Inspirational".  But then again some sick f#@% might play "Sexy" just to see if you share their bizarre proclivities.  This one is fun but with a few drinks it's friggin' knee-slappin' HI-larious! 

For being so simple and attractive to non-gamers, I gotta give A2A four pips out of six:

Here are a few more excellent ice-breakin' options to groove to.  Before you buy anything make sure you take note of how suitable these games are based on number of players.  They are "party" games not "solitaire" games after all!



Here's one of my favorite categories: STRATEGY GAMES

These are like the "Family Games" but are a bit more complex.  For those of you that end up enjoying those games but are now looking to take off the training wheels, take note:

I LURVES this game!  In Puerto Rico players are cast in the role of plantation owners back during the Age of Sail.  They can produce five different types of crops including cheaper commodities like corn and indigo to relatively valuable resources like coffee, sugar and tobaccy.

There are constant decisions to be made here.  What should I produce?  When should I sell?  When should I ship?  What are the best buildings for me to construct that will allow me to maximize my production and earnings?  Where should I position my colonists to maximize my operation?

By picking certain roles that are only available once per turn you attempt to further your business and hinder your opponents.  You may have to work your way up to this one but if you can it's really rewarding.  I give it six die pips out of six!

Here are a few sister games in the same advanced category which I also highly recommend:



The last two categories are undeniably my favorites, so bear with me as I gush a bit.  Many people will read this and be content with the "Abstract", "Party" or the "Family" games and 'thas coo'.  For the special slice of crazy people out there, follow me down the path of high adventure!

THEMATIC GAMES  For those of you who want to see how truly "epic" a board game experience can be, they just need to strap one of these mofo's on for size.  Here's a clear favorite of mine:

Regrettably I think it may be out of print right now but for Tolkien and board game fans alike, this is a little slice o' heaven.  Take an Axis & Allies-level war game, layer on an awesome theme, put a few "Eurogame" sparkplugs in the engine and you have, IMHO, a quantum leap of board game technology.

War of the Ring does something few games can: it manages to create a unique, borderline literary/cinematic experience every time it's played. Again we get great production values, which adds a lot to the aesthetic appeal. There's just enough details in the rules to make you feel as if you're playing something substantial without getting too fiddly.

Again, it's something you may have to work up a head of steam the brave will be soundly rewarded!

If any game in my collection earns its six pips outta six, it's this baby!

Even if War of the Ring is currently hard to find, there are plenty of other epic "Thematic" games for you to chose from.  Here are a just few that spring to mind:

And last, but certainly not least, my first love: WARGAMES.  

I like to refer to Memoir '44 as the war game of my childhood dreams. I've always been a fan of this category but reading the rules for the older war games was kinda akin to wading through a constitutional legal document. I own more complicated games like Europe Engulfed, but I actually play Memoir '44.

This is a solid "Euro"-influenced introductory war game with appealing components, a well-written rulebook and handy reference cards which make it very easy to just chuck down for a quick match. There's also an excellent variety of scenarios. Although it's a great, fun little game I still think it could use just a bit more realism to counter the admittedly high luck factor.

Having said that I'm always up for this one!   It certainly deserves it's 5 pips out of 6.  

My ongoing quest is for what amounts to a war game "Holy Grail".  My mission is to find the perfect war game that's a bit more complex than this one and Axis & Allies.  The following have come pretty damn close to scratching this particular itch but the goal is still outstanding:

 

So, there you have it, folks.  I hope this inspires you to at least consider this rewarding form of entertainment that you'd be forgiven for dismissing.  But no excuses anymore!  At the very least I hope I've given you some food for thought.

I certainly understand that the most daunting thing about buying a board game is the "unknown" factor.  The last thing you want to do is blow fifty or sixty bucks on something that may end up being an elaborate paperweight gathering dust.

Mercifully in the age of the internets, there are plenty of websites to help you navigate away from the poo and pick a game that's just right for you and your peeps.  Here are a few good ones:

http://www.funagain.com/control/beginnersguide

http://www.boardgameratings.com/

http://vimeo.com/user3061976/videos/sort:date

http://www.thedicetower.com/thedicetower/index.php

http://www.boardgamegeek.com/

If you check these out and still have have questions (or if you want me to make a suggestion tailor-made for your own individual group) leave a comment or shoot me an email and  I'll try my best to get back to you.

  

Hells, I love board games so much that if you buy one of my recommendations and you're not sure how to play it after you read the rules I'll personally come to your house and show you how!

You can take that as a threat or a promise, it's up to you.

Happy gaming and play nice, people!  

EPIC:  (example of how good instructional board game videos can be nowadays)

FAIL: http://www.toptenz.net/top-10-board-games-we-secretly-hate.php

BONUS FAIL: 
BONUS, BONUS FAIL: