In order to effectively horrify authority figures and inspire feelings of genuine rebellion, good rock songs really need to reference some if not all of the following things:
- Mind-Altering Substances.
- Overt Weirdness.
- Justified or Unjustified Rage.
- Crushing Despair / Loneliness / Unfulfilled Longing / Angst / Ennui.
- Genghis Khan, Cthulhu, crazed robots, dragons, poems by Samuel Taylor Coleridge, Satan or some other Cool, Deep, Dark Shit.
- Partying Like It's On Sale For $19.99.
So, I give to you:
(4) Mentioning Any God That Isn't Mythological The phrase "Christian Rock" is an oxymoron. If you think that listening to music that sounds like a Nickelodeon show's theme song makes you some sort of rebel, then your halo's on too tight.
Remember kids: if your parents are cool with it, then there's a very high probability that your musical selection probably sucks.
The really funny thing about dudes like Scott Stapp from Creed or Russ Lee from NewSong is that they usually employ this ridiculous, "HA-RUM-DE-HEY", walking gonad vocal style which is clearly designed to tell every girl within earshot that he won't hesitate to put the blocks to her back at his hotel room at the Best Western next to the Wingy Manone Memorial Speedway.
Unless, of course, you're one of those pure-as-the-driven-snow members of Stryper.
Honestly, is there anything lamer and less rock n' roll then the willfully and active pursuit of virginity? Thanks, Stryper for giving us this ear-splitting, tone-deaf ode to a mid-life crisis.
Please note, Jesus is completely exempt from this rule because:
- He's an only child.
- He's got amazing mechanical aptitude.
- He gave us some of our best rock-star poses.
- He hates televangelists.
- I mean, he really, really hates televangelists.
- He's a pretty chill dude.
- He's got no time for hypocrisy.
- He's WAY COOL.
- He can bust out more awesome party tricks then David Blaine.
- He's willing to spot a brotha when he's down.
Get the off the stage, you morose motherf#@kers!
Now, although I'm not the biggest fan of Tom Cochrane's "Big League", I have to respect the fact that he wrote the song about a real-life Canadian kid who was killed in a car accident just prior to starting what might have been an amazing NHL career. This grim, underlying subject matter still doesn't prevent hordes of slack-jawed troglodytes from using the song as warm-up music before minor league hockey games. F#@king idiots.
(1) Scholastic Achievement Look, unless you're suggesting a radical, rock-based curriculum change, admiring an educator's aesthetic value, reveling in a temporary, seasonal-based hiatus, or just advocating wanton cruelty, bands should never, ever talk about school. Especially not in a positive light. And this is coming from a former honor student.
Hey, I might be a geek, but I'm no nerd.
And bands should never, ever boast about "doing alright", "gettin' good grades" or destinies so luminescent that they require the use of ultra-violet ophthalmological protective devices.
But the joke's on those who believe the system's fair, oh yeah!
By crafting this battle-hymn for teacher's pets everywhere, I can't help but wonder if song-writers Jim Vallance and Bryan Adams ("Ah, I belief dat ve haff found zee source of zee suckage!") used to sit in the front row of math class, stick their arms up every five seconds and shout "Ooo, OoOOO! Is this gonna to be on the test, Mr. Pommelhorse, sir?"
Every one of these references needs be placed in a permanent state of detention, post haste.
EPIC MUSE: "Jesus Is Just Alright" with me.
EPIC SUMMARY: "I tell you whut..."
HOW TO MAKE AN EPIC FAIL FAIL-IER: Three-to-one odds says that she'll have a pay-to-watch webcam service by the time she hits her mid-twenties...
FAILED CONNECTION: "Funny thing is, Jesus told me that he only talked to you like once back in High School, so, y'know the whole 'friends' thing is probably a bit of a stretch."