tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16607069167509563622024-03-13T22:32:33.157-04:00Emblogification Capture DeviceWhat happens when an imaginative kid finds himself in a series of creatively bankrupt jobs as an adult? What will he do when he's forced to grow up? "Emblogification Capture Device" is a humorous exploration of education, career, employment, lifestyle, politics and pop culture.David Prettyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11223458627724051713noreply@blogger.comBlogger271125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1660706916750956362.post-28510589253249881922024-02-23T09:39:00.003-05:002024-02-26T17:34:30.420-05:00The Year of Hell - Part V - Promises, Promises...<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7tmSlbBMroc6Q1Y8YhPnP5gmID1-WffO9GFaW3wFPZdRk0fgfij_M901E80m5TV0S9kkYjlCq0Z4ev5D2hYpD6s8vSaik2Vl_PQK04bGD6ge4LVoybbI7UzVMP9CyStyMXFLtAdCiBvUeoFXkl5gWa9u0nUO_WyWHkJcdPHgsKykNeXo7e31ehpa47QY/s720/Restoration%20Van.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="657" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7tmSlbBMroc6Q1Y8YhPnP5gmID1-WffO9GFaW3wFPZdRk0fgfij_M901E80m5TV0S9kkYjlCq0Z4ev5D2hYpD6s8vSaik2Vl_PQK04bGD6ge4LVoybbI7UzVMP9CyStyMXFLtAdCiBvUeoFXkl5gWa9u0nUO_WyWHkJcdPHgsKykNeXo7e31ehpa47QY/s320/Restoration%20Van.jpg" width="292" /></a></div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><p>Greetings and Salutations, Brave Reader!</p></span><p></p><p><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">In previous entries of this series I've talked about <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.com/2023/08/the-year-of-hell-part-i-coming-storm.html" target="_blank">where I was living prior to July 12'th, 2022</a>, <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.com/2023/08/the-year-of-hell-part-ii-up-in-smoke.html" target="_blank">the subsequent fire that forced me from my home of 25+ years</a> as well as the <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.com/2023/10/the-year-of-hell-part-iii-cast-adrift.html" target="_blank">immediate aftermath</a> of that traumatic event. Last time I warned y'all about how building owners have <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.com/2023/11/the-year-of-hell-part-iv-know-your.html" target="_blank">zero responsibilities</a> to help tenants after a disaster...even if they housed dangerous people. </span></p><span><p><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">In the midst of all this chaos was one mental oasis: the promised support of my insurance company. Within a day, they'd put me in contact with the head of the removal and warehousing team, who from this point on I'll be referring to as "Yahoo Calamity"...for reasons that will sadly become painfully obvious. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">I was still pretty stressed out and shell-shocked when I spoke to Ms. Calamity the day after the fire. At that time, her introductory message to me was incredibly hopefully...like a balm for my ragged soul: </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><i>"We store all your salvageable items
once processed and cleaned at our large processing facility. We return back to
you once ready and repairs to the structure are completed. Hang in there, your (sic)
in good hands for your contents.”</i></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Given the large amount of "handle-with-care" valuables that I own (collectibles, antiques and artwork), I felt compelled to ask how the recovery team treats such delicate things. This was Yahoo’s reply: </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><i>“We specialize in all contents. We have a (sic) electronic division, art work, textiles, hard contents and soft textiles. </i></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><i>“Try not to stress. Your contents will be
handled with care when we start the ‘pack out’ and be put back to same spot
with the ‘pack back’.</i></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><i>“Also anything that is non-restorable we
supply a detailed list to you and your insurance company so they can price and
reimburse you for any damaged items: losses.”</i></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Encouraged and reassured by this, I slept
relatively soundly that night, despite being faced with imminent homelessness. We were approaching the weekend, a weekend - I'll remind you - that was smack-dab in the middle of tourist season when COVID restrictions were finally loosening up. The Chateau Bedford staff wouldn't be able to Tetris my reservations for much longer and every single hotel in the immediate area was already booked solid.</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">That's when I remembered that my parents would often stay in residence at Mount Saint Vincent University whenever they came to Halifax to visit me. In a Hail Mary play, I showed up on their doorstep with all pf my earthly belongings in tow and, after spinning my sob story, they were able to accommodate me. </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">I gotta say, the space they gave me was quite generous:</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dwQoonzYGdMqNeYe1HYGI0lydjioSu6jnzoPsoenkEtIBPuDhboEYRi_uy7XpbGidLlPAnv8nYcV3wpZcIPcA' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></span></div><span lang="EN-CA"><span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Hell, just seeing this thing strapped to the wall made me feel better: </span></p></span></span><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPT7-GaWYq9H-hhc46AULFM1ufnUrTGnlYWxOcqkpmo1cocUR-ppUnIimGKhQdby49sb1T9-Zg72IO8VKja1GKsjeZ9q4ogO5QyVCPM5oL1yWXTut7zWskaIz-FgDCuxw4iSVviLCSILUBA4nvQPUjrsQhKGwLl1lYz3a6dRhTrTiMqv-eGvy09kf3J9c/s720/Residence%20Extinguisher.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="540" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPT7-GaWYq9H-hhc46AULFM1ufnUrTGnlYWxOcqkpmo1cocUR-ppUnIimGKhQdby49sb1T9-Zg72IO8VKja1GKsjeZ9q4ogO5QyVCPM5oL1yWXTut7zWskaIz-FgDCuxw4iSVviLCSILUBA4nvQPUjrsQhKGwLl1lYz3a6dRhTrTiMqv-eGvy09kf3J9c/s320/Residence%20Extinguisher.jpg" width="240" /></a></span></div><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Despite the fact that my insurance company had given me a $12,000.00 resettlement fee, I knew that it wasn't going to last very long. This was made abundantly clear when I checked out of the hotel and paid a whopping $701.46 for only two nights accommodations. And for a tiny room that looks like this:</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"></span></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpnqAc2jlkDADgT-I3v_GTIL1A2aLdqyJ-fMttw4A465ZbFhqS3JOA0G9f7V8-ZOs1078T4LiOpe06r5madImD66wNisYj72EBsXSavC4ef4JovAJTPS-ve6VSO8av5bail7aaIyhHLj_LZn7IMBkPOrbSKSajZm_5ye3BsFEmBnbuue2Ef5DJruWQkSo/s2048/Chateau%20Bedford.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpnqAc2jlkDADgT-I3v_GTIL1A2aLdqyJ-fMttw4A465ZbFhqS3JOA0G9f7V8-ZOs1078T4LiOpe06r5madImD66wNisYj72EBsXSavC4ef4JovAJTPS-ve6VSO8av5bail7aaIyhHLj_LZn7IMBkPOrbSKSajZm_5ye3BsFEmBnbuue2Ef5DJruWQkSo/w480-h640/Chateau%20Bedford.jpg" width="480" /></a></span></span></div><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br />I mean, it's nice and all...but it's not exactly the Ritz Carlton, is it?</span></span><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><span lang="EN-CA"><span>On the 14’th we got
special dispensation to be on site to recover certain items. </span></span>By that time, a security guard had already been assigned, and traffic into and through that section of the building was being closely monitored. We were also instructed to keep our doors locked at all times when unoccupied...a directive we followed religiously.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">During this time I
took considerable video and stills of the apartment. Despite the fact that the stairwell (which we'd fled down two nights ago) looked like this:</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"></span></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrjPEaG3fIWoxAQktHHOeK6ekZuvE-n2TPHoB9q-u18kBp8U7gh8Wd5DwhBtCMwplOkcFqyqfh9bvSbPdHv8Kx4r_mJIsgs6Bf7Qj0qr_QkvBl-w9Gt8noLjzxDqKNKafFla8hdn9t3whSIFmXxEnubQ_gmsge5Zd-JFnMYgNxjZ_sWQEd3pu1UClB8GY/s720/Stairwell%20Post%20Fire.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="540" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrjPEaG3fIWoxAQktHHOeK6ekZuvE-n2TPHoB9q-u18kBp8U7gh8Wd5DwhBtCMwplOkcFqyqfh9bvSbPdHv8Kx4r_mJIsgs6Bf7Qj0qr_QkvBl-w9Gt8noLjzxDqKNKafFla8hdn9t3whSIFmXxEnubQ_gmsge5Zd-JFnMYgNxjZ_sWQEd3pu1UClB8GY/w480-h640/Stairwell%20Post%20Fire.jpg" width="480" /></a></span></span></div><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br />...my game room actually looked reasonably intact: </span></span><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dzCNfpnlEWGpDWS3eZXde7TC5iajoLLXgWRgkAj8LC37JY3Gv_-8Xf8QLJK3HaDJeIP36xRQFKXUqX6ZTO6hQ' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></span></div><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /><span>In fact, if not for some pronounced water damage in the ceiling, things actually didn't look too bad:</span></span><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dwZh1X9g2J4EE4ZoMuYc2kBtq5IcsqYmT86MQi0vqHp-4N8T801hasS1QcG4XHE-PI0a4Z495C-Ugo-6yycxg' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></span></div><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /><span>Now, when I say "water damage" I wasn't just whistling Dixie. Anyone who follows my other blog knows that I'm a huge <a href="http://yetanotherfriggingamingblog.blogspot.com" target="_blank">board game</a> nut and, at the time of the fire, I had about 130 of the damned things. And, as any board game nerd worth their salt knows, <i>cardboard and water definitely don't mix</i>.</span></span><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Even though my game library hadn't been noticeably soaked when the apartment above was flooded, the water-logged ceiling and regular ol' summer humidity was causing moisture levels to spike to potentially destructive levels.</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqgE-6wi-03spwawKQFC9RX82k3AboLZJ0f_YPobY07eEcEOAalXCVcNAJZQ-deWt9Ty4ukxjtNK2ilZZMcE7YiMnU-VW0iYW4Yob_MKwcPEqtxDo4_4EqNoeQparODN3Jt_uWEEsLNR-wBlkmhVgyTva3YYsnaQF0YMsLqoRpVMsNntNfTstfWTNG3u8/s1932/Apartment%20Humidity%20Post%20Fire.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1872" data-original-width="1932" height="310" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqgE-6wi-03spwawKQFC9RX82k3AboLZJ0f_YPobY07eEcEOAalXCVcNAJZQ-deWt9Ty4ukxjtNK2ilZZMcE7YiMnU-VW0iYW4Yob_MKwcPEqtxDo4_4EqNoeQparODN3Jt_uWEEsLNR-wBlkmhVgyTva3YYsnaQF0YMsLqoRpVMsNntNfTstfWTNG3u8/s320/Apartment%20Humidity%20Post%20Fire.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></div><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /><span>If I didn't get my stuff out of there ASAP, the threat of box fart would be absolutely nothing compared to every game turning into a poison gas spore whenever I lifted the lid.</span></span><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">As such, I expressed my concern to Yahoo before bedding down for the night...concerns that were actually addressed on the morning of the 15'th:</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><i>“Good morning. Just touching base with you
to let you know that we have been notified that the building has been
released. I’ve been in communication
with the superintendent... and we will start our process on Monday morning.”</i></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">At this point I told her that I'd been given access to the unit on the previous day just to grab some essentials. I also told her that the removal team had to put priority on saving our plants and fish. This was her reply:</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><i><span lang="EN-CA">“</span><span lang="EN-CA">Ok, I will note your file that you grabbed rush yourselves. We will
have access Monday for the pack-out and notable items of urgency are plants and fish for getting restored and
in a safe place.”</span></i></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><span lang="EN-CA"><span>Fast forward to July 18. </span></span><span>Once again I was granted closely-monitored
access to the unit. Since I was still homeless for the foreseeable future, I thought I had to pack light. As such, I didn't want to salvage any </span>framed art, jewelry or collectibles from the unit. Where would I put it? Plus, the email updates from the salvage team and the presence of security on sight made me feel like my things weren't in any immediate danger. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjS9QuPg_U7R3lVOrjzvmRYI8mPj14GB_83VwEwiMtXhfQJ6fT05M7n8rJH5OM53CD83C8hfOm7CI6Kabtec-pY7ATi7vM6SG-JhrU1IP1iMtypjgtGngbMlttF0dRVfrmk7AfVig3RaDt0etP9d0rOQJyphJYQbZu6RPhOhqccdVjN_V4U8a7tB6ERQ0s/s720/My%20Room%20Post%20Fire.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="540" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjS9QuPg_U7R3lVOrjzvmRYI8mPj14GB_83VwEwiMtXhfQJ6fT05M7n8rJH5OM53CD83C8hfOm7CI6Kabtec-pY7ATi7vM6SG-JhrU1IP1iMtypjgtGngbMlttF0dRVfrmk7AfVig3RaDt0etP9d0rOQJyphJYQbZu6RPhOhqccdVjN_V4U8a7tB6ERQ0s/s320/My%20Room%20Post%20Fire.jpg" width="240" /></span></a></div><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">That same day I got the following question from Yahoo:</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><i>“My project manager </i>(let's call her, um...'Dixie', I guess?)<i> is on site at the
units today assessing. To confirm you do not need any rush now? I want to be
sure to advise correctly to my PM.”</i></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">After confirming that I needed no rush
items, she replied:</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><i>“Wonderful, thank you for clarifying. I am
passing along to my Project manager Dixie right now. If you need anything
please do not hesitate to reach out. We are actively working to get all
restorable out of the affected units within a few days.” </i></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">On July 19, I got the following message from Yahoo:</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><i>“Good morning. We are on site today again. I
confirmed with your adjuster this morning (that) he doesn’t want us to touch
the fish. It’s a liability, such as a pet dog or cat, (so) it’s up to the
insured to go retrieve the live fish and we will deal with the tank. I hope
this is ok. I just confirmed with your adjuster, so I wanted to pass this along
right away.”</i></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Even though I fully expected the 18'th to be my last one on site, I rushed in to dismantle the aquarium. Thanks
to the intervention of some friends, the fish were saved! Thanks again to Alison and Randy!!!</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNyc7CJMIiujKPCFLb5qMgQX4TFnNfFnPld-JX6JemDHYxapXA4Yx642Fn9lADyAqMWpqC879ifmQ99iQvLLljDSmx38mQJ7MOoknab_iFh4QvaWZ26i39ct_t7oLUFU2Q90VsN5upxGizDbzX6Mz5zng3ZMf5d5PVzm7EGLVZSxMioYmt80GKc-S0T54/s1024/Sip%20Happens.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1024" data-original-width="768" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNyc7CJMIiujKPCFLb5qMgQX4TFnNfFnPld-JX6JemDHYxapXA4Yx642Fn9lADyAqMWpqC879ifmQ99iQvLLljDSmx38mQJ7MOoknab_iFh4QvaWZ26i39ct_t7oLUFU2Q90VsN5upxGizDbzX6Mz5zng3ZMf5d5PVzm7EGLVZSxMioYmt80GKc-S0T54/s320/Sip%20Happens.jpg" width="240" /></a></span></div><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">I took advantage of this unexpected chance to take more video and stills. For those keeping score at home: as of 1:30 pm that day,
<i>everything seemed to be in place and accounted for</i>. </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">From Yahoo later on the 19'th:</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><i>“They took all clothing out yesterday. Now
focussing </i>(s.p.)<i> on boxing any restorable items.”</i></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><span lang="EN-CA"><span>In hindsight, I guess I could have personally done more </span></span><span>to safeguard the more - shall we say - <i>traditional</i> valuables in the apartment, things like jewelry and artwork. Who knows...maybe </span></span><span style="font-size: large;">I was still in a state of shock? </span><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">I can see now that I had tunnel vision when it came to protecting my beloved collectibles, but I also felt as if I could trust both the building security as well as the seemingly-sincere efforts of the recovery team. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWIbu1uGNpThIbOob_CPCwGY2AZ9Ks_bQdxh6IgoLWMcZgBDjIsA29c9xVwLRA63yommewK3k9nvvs1_SEUFgJ2rgIrFmYXdH9lzdeSiPgSMiCcD2XCTCU07PGbIMkYwM058vr3q36NbsuanEH2oJiaetJjqo_Vb08sh4LmbrTbvCp2rOO03FfSWcvMkY/s1024/Water%20Damage.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1024" data-original-width="768" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWIbu1uGNpThIbOob_CPCwGY2AZ9Ks_bQdxh6IgoLWMcZgBDjIsA29c9xVwLRA63yommewK3k9nvvs1_SEUFgJ2rgIrFmYXdH9lzdeSiPgSMiCcD2XCTCU07PGbIMkYwM058vr3q36NbsuanEH2oJiaetJjqo_Vb08sh4LmbrTbvCp2rOO03FfSWcvMkY/s320/Water%20Damage.jpg" width="240" /></span></a></div><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">This was no more evident in Yahoo's next message to me:</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><i>“You can trust you (NOTE: I think she meant
to say 'us.' Maybe this was a Freudian slip). (You) are in very good hands. We are aiming to have everything
out by Friday.”</i></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">That same day I met with Dixie to try and put my borderline-OCD / superficial hoarding behavior into context. She seemed sympathetic and accommodating, writing the
following to me later on that day:</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><i>“Was nice to meet you and have a
conversation on things important to you. Any questions just message or call me.
I'm starting your place tomorrow so if u (sic) have any questions or anything u
(sic) can reach me here or at your
apartment. Have a good night.”</i></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><span lang="EN-CA"><span>Given all of these recent assurances, I
actually did sleep well that night. On the morning of July 20'th I w</span></span><span>oke up to the following note from Dixie: </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><i>“Just an update: your living
room and kitchen is done. Just a couple odds and ends - work in progress.” </i></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Messages like this did wonders to assuage my shattered nerves, but it did little to divert the Mack Truck of reality swiftly bearing down on me. Even though I'd found more affordable housing at The Mount...my extended stay was just as tenuous as it was back at the hotel. Reservations were arriving constantly and the kind folks at the front desk were quickly running out of places to store me.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">And that's when a major miracle happened. Immediately after the fire my superintendent started making these cagey comments to the effect of "I may know someone with a basement apartment. Stay tuned!"</span></p><p><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">With the last possible available night in residence being July 25'th, I soon found myself "gently" pressing him on the subject.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">"Oh, yeah!" he said. "You're good to go...I just had to clear it with the wife! You can move in on Saturday!"</span></p><p><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">And that's how I came to stay in my superintendent's basement apartment on July 23'rd, 2022...eleven days after the fire drove me out of my long-term abode.</span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeGKiKv7W8VXfUIIZHiAZDQNrDZrVWVv7salNvBZ2-0F9hT7GPbkXgRRxzgyn3pqwtfVL_ydPsWgq8ko-FtVkjoKBrSu9XqtqzB6ENPuUJKsNJIScTgcaOQeQBR9EqsXfpNU9drHa9XgNebCniIC4AGvBWZxcvsu4Su2rvt-ucECQInorxGkSd141KLvs/s1024/Hobbit%20Hole.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1024" data-original-width="768" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeGKiKv7W8VXfUIIZHiAZDQNrDZrVWVv7salNvBZ2-0F9hT7GPbkXgRRxzgyn3pqwtfVL_ydPsWgq8ko-FtVkjoKBrSu9XqtqzB6ENPuUJKsNJIScTgcaOQeQBR9EqsXfpNU9drHa9XgNebCniIC4AGvBWZxcvsu4Su2rvt-ucECQInorxGkSd141KLvs/s320/Hobbit%20Hole.jpg" width="240" /></span></a></div><p><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Oh, and for the record, my final accommodations bill for the Mount was $1213.01.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Next time: As I learn to live in a well-appointed Hobbit hole, I start to suspect that the recovery and warehousing team that I entrusted with all of my earthly belongings may not be quite as competent as I originally hoped. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><b><u>EPIC</u></b>: I gotta thanks <a href="https://www.msvu.ca/campus-life/campus-services/conference-services/accommodations/" target="_blank">Mount Saint Vincent University</a> for absolutely saving my bacon during this rough time. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><b><u>FAIL</u></b>: Due to climate change, <a href="https://www.theglobeandmail.com/business/article-insurance-coverage-climate-change/" target="_blank">disaster claims have quadrupled over the past 15 years</a>! </span></p><p style="font-size: large;"> </p><p style="font-size: large;"> </p></span><p></p>David Prettyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11223458627724051713noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1660706916750956362.post-34069461571025496572023-11-30T17:41:00.005-05:002023-11-30T19:21:50.360-05:00The Year of Hell - Part IV - Know Your Rights...Or Lack Thereof <p><span style="font-size: medium;">Welcome Back to the Galactic Shit Show, Persistent Readers!</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">In previous entries of this series I've talked about <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.com/2023/08/the-year-of-hell-part-i-coming-storm.html" target="_blank">my prior residence of 25+ years</a>, <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.com/2023/08/the-year-of-hell-part-ii-up-in-smoke.html" target="_blank">the fire that drove me out of there back on July 12'th 2022</a> and the <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.com/2023/10/the-year-of-hell-part-iii-cast-adrift.html" target="_blank">scary days of uncertainty, shock and fear that followed</a>. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">But, before I go any further with this story, I feel compelled to talk about something that happened to me back on July 14'th, literally two days after the fire. On that day, while blearily trying to salvage whatever scant belongings I might need from my ruined apartment, I was required to sign this charming document:</span></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgS76yCG-EP3GL0YLHFaN6JHi29PlVPMm_wzk7xvAP4lGaQQgd4Q8SczIC43WsqencHqJzyXKLWn_F44biWlzE_MV86uucDfhOIxKv6yCrzmkUHWfqM6icRU358SC9uTNmIqxydJCEl8g3Iu7d530fVkRaTbt0R5ozArWIIyTc8lM41ZNDPzaw4hplYFRU/s926/Form%20F.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="926" data-original-width="704" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgS76yCG-EP3GL0YLHFaN6JHi29PlVPMm_wzk7xvAP4lGaQQgd4Q8SczIC43WsqencHqJzyXKLWn_F44biWlzE_MV86uucDfhOIxKv6yCrzmkUHWfqM6icRU358SC9uTNmIqxydJCEl8g3Iu7d530fVkRaTbt0R5ozArWIIyTc8lM41ZNDPzaw4hplYFRU/w486-h640/Form%20F.jpg" width="486" /></span></a></div><span style="font-size: medium;">At the time, I signed it with scarcely a second thought. Why? Because:</span><p></p><p></p><ol style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">It was presented to me by a trusted source.</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">It was self-evident that the fire had indeed rendered my apartment uninhabitable.</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">I was still in shock.</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">I thought it was standard practice.</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">I wanted my damage deposit back.</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">It was my first fire. #noobmove</span></li></ol><span style="font-size: medium;">But, if I had my time back (or any time at all for that matter) I would have consulted with a lawyer before I even looked at this fucking rag. Because, by signing it, I pretty much pissed away every single earthly right I had to the place where I'd lived for over a quarter of a century.</span><p></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">I'm not going to bury my lead for this story quite yet. Just suffice to say that I received a piece of news on August 3'rd of 2022 that made me feel like a fool for signing this document so cavalierly. To the point where I sought out help from provincial Legal Aid at the end of October. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">Here what they told me:</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>"Thank you for your email. Legal Info Nova Scotia is a non-profit charity. We provide information about the law in Nova Scotia. We do not give legal advice. Legal advice would include recommending the best option for you - telling you what you should do. Only a lawyer can do that. The following general legal information may help, although we're afraid we don't have good news. </i></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>"In some cases a fire (and the associated clean up and repair) can be so severe that it has the effect of rendering the entire building uninhabitable. It sounds like that might have been what happened in your situation. In those scenarios the landlord is allowed to evict all of the tenants by giving them Notice to Quit in Form F. That has the effect of ending all of the tenancies. You didn't mention whether your landlord provided you with notice in Form F, but even if they didn't it would be too late to contest that eviction as it has been greater than 12 months since it happened (that is the limitation period for contesting an eviction at Residential Tenancies). </i></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>"After a fire the landlord is not obligated to relocate the displaced tenants. If the landlord does relocate tenants to other units in other buildings then those would be new leases with new terms. The rules about rent increases wouldn't apply to those new leases and so the new lease terms could include a new, higher rent and the new leases could be fixed-term, rather than periodic. </i></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>"Overall, although you obviously have a very sympathetic situation, it wasn't actually clear from your email that your landlord has done anything that you could successfully dispute at Residential Tenancies." </i></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">Look, I'm not one to overshare on social media. If I share anything at all, it's usually about my interests, never personal details.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">So consider yourself forewarned: I will definitely be oversharing during this series, as well as for a one-shot entry dealing with a completely separate (though no less infuriating) issue. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">I'm not doing this for attention: <i>I'm writing this as a warning</i>. A warning to let you know that your life can be annihilated within the span of a few short hours due to the reckless act of some crazed psycho. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">And, despite the fact that you have <i>clearly</i> been victimized, people who have the power to help you will still do the wrong thing. People will take advantage of the situation and of you. You will discover - the hard way - that the rules aren't in place to help you...they're in place to help rich people get richer.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">Sadly, there seems to be precious little empathy, recourse, safeguards or compensation in our society to assist people who have been wronged by circumstance, even if only to restore the status quo.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">Apologies in advance. <i>I didn't want to be the one to tell you these things.</i></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><u>EPIC</u></b>: More <a href="https://www.kts-law.com/how-does-a-fire-affect-a-tenancy/" target="_blank">sound legal advice</a> if your find your tenancy interrupted by fire. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><u>FAIL</u></b>: </span><span style="font-size: medium;"><span>Property owners like </span><a href="https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/nova-scotia/a-landlord-hiked-rents-again-and-again-canada-s-housing-agency-rewarded-him-every-time-1.6375768" target="_blank">this galloping prick</a><span> don't even need fire or similar catastrophe</span><span> as an excuse to reno-evict people; he just wears his greed like a proud badge. But the good news is that </span><a href="https://springmag.ca/halifax-area-tenants-fight-back-against-eviction" target="_blank">people are fighting back</a><span>!</span></span><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></p>David Prettyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11223458627724051713noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1660706916750956362.post-1486831310273357032023-10-20T09:28:00.002-04:002023-11-30T11:53:57.717-05:00The Year of Hell - Part III - Cast Adrift<p><span style="font-size: medium;">Greetings and Felicitations, Persistent Reader.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">In the two previous installments, I talked about how I was contentedly living in the same modest apartment building for over 25 years, how the quality of tenants in the buildings started to go downhill circa 2015 and how a resulting fire drove me from my home on July 12'th 2022 at 2 AM in the morning.</span></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvn5jaRNmaOuPL4bKfbp5_IAIioNC1G0SMjobSuSUh-XVV_jWDrFrTwvzuRXW30KdmlWIhCqlLdsclblHzJNUf_Qs2QrG4LnjEXZaBDfhINtDicfGgLhBiFicZaxNqOcHsZznjEfG2EQV27pjxUmNWAjG9kU-dbure1oXxQiuStkadXm5Wo7ZFj-fl0JQ/s2048/06-12-22%20Ambulance.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvn5jaRNmaOuPL4bKfbp5_IAIioNC1G0SMjobSuSUh-XVV_jWDrFrTwvzuRXW30KdmlWIhCqlLdsclblHzJNUf_Qs2QrG4LnjEXZaBDfhINtDicfGgLhBiFicZaxNqOcHsZznjEfG2EQV27pjxUmNWAjG9kU-dbure1oXxQiuStkadXm5Wo7ZFj-fl0JQ/s320/06-12-22%20Ambulance.jpg" width="240" /></span></a></div><p></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">So, what you do when you're rendered homeless by fire? Well, if you're Canadian, you retreat to the closest Tim Hortons that's open. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">While distractedly munching on an egg-and-cheese-on-a-biscuit breakfast sammich and gingerly sipping on a cup of coffee hotter than the surface of Venus, I felt an odd rush of exhilaration. Let me tell ya, there's nothing like a near-death experience to activate your twisted sense of humor. Witness this image I sent to friends upon first spotting the Tim Horton's fireplace:</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkYQPJj7XLCV291sGljpICi_ULg6Mf0MzOfc_XL_RIsEx4tIBwVLk3ZXG8HIbr-9cjdfDe2Upv2PqQ33616jAtxy9V3R11WE6m8PAbit93rEYG9MhU0VsgJmCPrKWV-cE839okEQ3oBV_vGxNsJYZBrw8waUuWtOT3avvRDzMzrrM4wu-GNOhdZFvEnvI/s2048/Triggered.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="2048" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkYQPJj7XLCV291sGljpICi_ULg6Mf0MzOfc_XL_RIsEx4tIBwVLk3ZXG8HIbr-9cjdfDe2Upv2PqQ33616jAtxy9V3R11WE6m8PAbit93rEYG9MhU0VsgJmCPrKWV-cE839okEQ3oBV_vGxNsJYZBrw8waUuWtOT3avvRDzMzrrM4wu-GNOhdZFvEnvI/w400-h400/Triggered.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br />And then there's this l'il chestnut:</span><p></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkJwItSGt1BJ4PeS2PP9VhwztzKq8YLcLuohJnFpRc2XVovb4PKPjXYqo1alaRMEiCUrFcuPrKwg8PhPM4YQbv1Zuwxu1O7UwutOTQBnT-1sLxGcCJlF_Jw965V-XO3NTn6z_1t_smjgbdqD229KNVjnoAfGyg7zrY5jW6K6IeFLGvg57sv9aNC74RZIk/s1032/Kijiji.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1032" data-original-width="614" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkJwItSGt1BJ4PeS2PP9VhwztzKq8YLcLuohJnFpRc2XVovb4PKPjXYqo1alaRMEiCUrFcuPrKwg8PhPM4YQbv1Zuwxu1O7UwutOTQBnT-1sLxGcCJlF_Jw965V-XO3NTn6z_1t_smjgbdqD229KNVjnoAfGyg7zrY5jW6K6IeFLGvg57sv9aNC74RZIk/w380-h640/Kijiji.jpg" width="380" /></span></a></div><p></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">For the record, the irony isn't lost on me that I was trying to sell the <i>Flashpoint: Fire Rescue </i>board game at the time. <i>Huh.</i> </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span>Okay, so, what's the <i>second</i> thing Canadians do when they're rendered homeless by fire? Well, they call their </span><span>insurance company! </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">You have insurance, right? <i>Riiiight???</i></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">It's my understanding that none of the three people directly affected by the fire that night had tenant insurance. <i>None!</i></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">For the record, I feel a modicum of sympathy for two out of these three people, but the S.O.B. who provoked the attack on our building can get heckin' WRECKED for all I care. <i>Dirtbag. </i></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span>Side note, since that night, I've been consistently stunned by the number of people - mainly Millennial and Gen Z folks - who tell me that they don't have tenant insurance.</span><span> But, then again, a lot of these folks are being crushed under a tsunami of debt and / or they're hideously underpaid. Faced with these "non future me" challenges, it makes sense that they opt to sink their fleeting funds into less hypothetical and nebulous threats, like staving off malnutrition or exposure. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">But, listen up, kids, I'm here to tell you right now: YOU NEED TO GET TENANT INSURANCE. <i>LIKE RIGHT NOW</i>. I promise...I will present Exhibits "A" through "Z" shortly. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">With my brain now approaching the consistency of cottage cheese, it took forever for me to track down the contact number for my insurance company and call them from my car. Suddenly my stomach turned to ice and my testicles shrunk up into my body cavity as a horrible thought crossed my mind.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">'What if they can't help me?'</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">Now, I don't know about you folks, but I don't call up my insurance company every few months for a casual chin-wag. I have an auto-payment system set up on my credit card, they take money away from me every month, and society tells me that this transaction should pay for some semblance of mental peace. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">But, since I was raised by a pessimist and I always look at every glass as half-empty, I was fully expecting the conversation with the insurance agent to sound like the following <i>Monty Python</i> skit:</span></p><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/kO2R_DDZPCM?si=yBGKjdBVIn-SsLTE" title="YouTube video player" width="560"></iframe></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Ergo:</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><u>ME</u></b>: I'm sorry, did you just say that you "aren't satisfied with the grounds of my claim"?</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><u>INSURANCE AGENT</u></b>: Yes, well, Mr. Pretty, in your policy...one moment please. <i>Ah</i>, yes, here it is...in your policy, specifically in section four, paragraph eight, sub-section twelve, it unequivocally states that any claim you make will be ignored.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><u>ME</u></b>: What?!?</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><u>INSURANCE AGENT</u></b>: Yes, well, you opted for the 'cold shoulder' policy which, honestly, is a great value if you never make a claim, <i>buuuuut</i> you had to go ahead and make one, so here we are...</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><u>ME</u></b>: Oh, dear.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Needless to say, the brief wait to speak to an agent felt like the longest five minutes of my entire life.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Fortunately, my fears were soon assuaged and the agent on the other line was incredibly helpful and reassuring. I soon discovered why I'd been paying into an insurance policy for all these years. I was told, in no uncertain terms, that the following would happen over the next few days and months:</span></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">I was given a $12,000.00 relocation budget. I just had to save my receipts to claim any expenses, such as food, accommodations and - presumably - counseling. </span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">An insurance adjuster would be dispatched to the site. They would appraise the damage and, if required, dispatch a recovery team who would be tasked to remove all salvageable items and warehouse it. </span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">At the warehouse, everything would be inspected and we'd be compensated for everything that is non-recoverable.</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">My stuff would be warehoused until the unit was repaired, then shipped back to me and put into place.</span></li></ul><span style="font-size: medium;">This provided just enough mental solace for me to focus on the next step: temporary shelter.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Unfortunately, this turned out to be more difficult than I expected. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Y'see, this all happened back on July 12'th, 2022, smack dab in the middle of tourist season, with COVID restrictions finally loosening. After calling around to a bunch of places, I quickly realized that there weren't many, if any, options.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">On the verge of growing despondent, I decided a more direct approach was in order. Barely dressed, still jittery from shock, sleep-deprived and smelling like a pile of half-melted spatulas on a wood chip barbecue, I stumbled into the Château Bedford Hotel & Suites and explained my plight. By some miracle, the lovely staff took pity on me and they were able to accommodate my request. I finally had a place to sleep, at least for one night.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">After a fitful nap and a shower, I decided to return to the scene of the crime around 5 pm that evening. This probably wasn't the smartest idea.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEix4zOSV__0RblIbbTGL_BACulds3lfvNdOMxO1JEIoOCdwGCfoqZqB3ROpbpszCy5APqyy_tYobgRXT0tA8573d_8Kmp1kKnylSlSAuSoeHL8nkeZy_QIKmSo7MMoqO2knTepAXw2QWs0GduH90RdxU-gJl9xBStLoDK5kLaJV3-beZjxuz-Yz2wPpO44/s2048/07-12-22%20Roof.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEix4zOSV__0RblIbbTGL_BACulds3lfvNdOMxO1JEIoOCdwGCfoqZqB3ROpbpszCy5APqyy_tYobgRXT0tA8573d_8Kmp1kKnylSlSAuSoeHL8nkeZy_QIKmSo7MMoqO2knTepAXw2QWs0GduH90RdxU-gJl9xBStLoDK5kLaJV3-beZjxuz-Yz2wPpO44/w480-h640/07-12-22%20Roof.jpg" width="480" /></span></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Upon arrival, I immediately spotted the daughter of the building owner, so I decided to bend her ear. During the resulting conversation, my sleep-deprived brain managed to retain the following:</span></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">She seemed genuinely upset by what had happened.</span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">She pledged to try and get us into alternate accommodations as soon as possible. </span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">She feared that the damage was so extensive that it would take at least six months to a year to repair everything.</span></li></ul></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">After this last, genuinely upsetting little piece of trivia, I spirited off to work. Now, I already hear you asking 'Work?!? You went to WORK??? Why???' </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Well, I have three rebuttals to that:</span></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;">I'm fucking Gen X, of course I went to work! I'm programmed to go to work if 35% of my body is missing. </span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">$12,000.00 might seem like a lot, but with a hotel costing over $140.00 a night, I knew that this money wouldn't last very long. </span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;">I actually relished the diversion that work provided that evening.</span></li></ul><span style="font-size: medium;">Despite the spiritual balm provided by that last point, I was also duly distracted at times. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">'Six months to a year without a home?' I thought to myself. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">I literally had only one night booked in a hotel! With <i>waaaaaay</i> too many people in the city right now and rental vacancy rates hovering close to 0%, where the hell was I going to go?</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">NEXT UP: We survey the damage, rescue some fish and rely on the kindness of (relative) strangers. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><span><b style="text-decoration-line: underline;">EPIC</b>:<b> </b><a href="https://www.rbcinsurance.com/en-ca/advice-learning/home-insurance/why-renters-need-tenant-insurance/" target="_blank">I can't stress this enough people</a>! </span><span> </span></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><u>FAIL</u></b>: <a href="https://www.insurancebusinessmag.com/ca/news/life-insurance/tenant-insurance-in-canada--why-the-coverage-gap-323739.aspx#:~:text=According%20to%20TD%27s%202021%20Tenant,was%20the%20main%20reason%20why." target="_blank">The depressing reality</a>. </span></div></div>David Prettyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11223458627724051713noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1660706916750956362.post-36150231945325710662023-08-16T14:04:00.574-04:002023-08-17T20:11:06.656-04:00The Year of Hell - Part II - Up In Smoke<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">As a weird shut-in kid who was practically raised by movies and television, I always looked at apartment living as kinda cool and vaguely anti-establishment. Consider the examples set forth in such real-life fare as <i>WKRP in Cincinnati, How I Met Your Mother, Friends, Sex in the City, The Jeffersons, Seinfeld, Frasier,</i> <i>Big Bang Theory</i>, and <i>Rosemary's Baby</i>. </span><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><i>Um</i>, okay...well, maybe scratch that last one. Though, you know, if the rent was reasonable enough, I'd be totally cool if my neighbors were all secret Satanists. As long as they weren't also business executives and corporate lawyers, we're gravy. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Oh. <i>Whoops</i>...spoiler alert! </span><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span>Anyhoo, beyond these frivolous motivations, there were a few more realistic ones. Even at the height of my economic earnings, the only way I could really afford a house is if it was in the boonies, about thirty to forty clicks away from whatever tenuous place of employment I was calling a "career" at that point. As a young buck from a small town, I</span><span> didn't want to live in some remote, cut-and-paste suburban hell! I wanted to be</span></span><span> in THE BIG CITY, </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">(reasonably close to) downtown. You know, w</span><span style="font-family: inherit;">here all the action was! </span></span></div><div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Growing up, I also saw my parents periodically clobbered by the sort of unexpected expenses that only home ownership can provide. Need a new roof? Cracked foundation? Basement flooded? Well, say goodbye to five to ten thousand dollars of your savings, you starry-eyed optimist, you!</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Oh, and <i>snow</i>. <i>I don't wanna fookin' shovel snow. </i></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Content in the knowledge that I wasn't going to have to re-shingle or shovel anything anytime soon, I settled into a contented snooze late on July 11'th. I was only asleep for about an hour or two before the fire alarm went off. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Now, if you've either lived in a university dorm or in an apartment building, you know to completely ignore these things. They randomly go off so often it ends up being the fire safety equivalent of the The Boy Who Cried Wolf. So, unless it keeps clanging away for a good ten to fifteen minutes or you start smell smoke or you look down and notice that your genitals are on fire, you generally turn a blind ear to that cacophonous shit.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">That night was like any other night. In reaction to this angry, persistent false alarm, I just groaned, looked around, muttered in frustration...and then promptly put my head back down on the pillow.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><i>That is until the banging on the door started. </i> <br /></span><div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><b> "GET OUT!!! GET THE FUCK OUT!!! THE FUCKING BUILDING IS REALLY ON FIRE!!! GET OUT!!!"</b></span></div></div></div></div></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Like a cat roused by pouring (purring?) scalding water on its ass, I went from a </span>reclining<span style="font-family: inherit;"> position to standing bolt upright in 2.6 milliseconds. </span></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><u>ACTUAL FOOTAGE OF ME ON THE NIGHT OF THE FIRE</u></b></span></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/6qnf9nx706w" title="YouTube video player" width="560"></iframe></div></span></span></div><div><br /></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Oh, confession time: I've never been one to wear Ward Cleaver-style pajamas to bed (or anything for that matter), so my first inclination was to cover myself up as best I could. </span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">'KEYS! WALLET! CELLPHONE!' my barely-conscious brain barked at me. Even though I usually kept all of this stuff together in one place, my "decapitated chicken" impression was well on point that night. A renewed volley of fists on the door nearly caused me to jump out of my finally-covered skin.</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></i></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><b>"GET OUT!!! GET THE FUCK OUT...<i>NOW!!!</i>"</b></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">I needed no other encouragement. I tore open the door and was immediately hit with a horrific stench of smoke and a minor stampede of my fellow somnambulistic residents.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">A quick word about the smoke: it smelled like a the contents of a fireplace had spilled out of onto the floor if a Barbie factory. Hey, if in a few years I come down with a pesky case of black lung, look no further for the culprit...<i>just sayin'</i>. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">As I stumbled out my front door, I could finally see who our guardian angel was: Gabrielle, who had thankfully replaced Mr. Mail Order Bride across the hall from us a few years back. Instead of dragging as much of her stuff out of her burning apartment as she could lug, she'd taken it upon herself to rouse and evacuate as many of her neighbors as possible. <i>Bless her heart. </i> <i> </i></span></div><div><i><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></i></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Mercifully, as soon walk out my front door and turn ninety degrees to the right, my nose is practically touching the exit to the side stairwell. As I whipped it open and stumbled down the steps, I distinctly remember someone standing in the lobby shouting at the escapees.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">"DO YOU HAVE PETS??? DON'T FORGET YOUR PETS!!!"</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">'I don't recognize you,' my unconscious brain mumbled at me as we vomited out into the side parking lot. Immediately, my still-dulled consciousness was drawn to the side of the building closest to me, which was engulfed in a wall of flame. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Ever sit too close to a campfire and immediately realize that you done fucked up? Well, take that to the power of ten and you'll know the heat I felt that night. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">The other thing I can't do justice to is the sound. It was like a ravenous, crackling roar, implacable and all-consuming. It sounded like something otherworldly, nightmare fuel. I'm telling you, there's a reason why the Greeks considered the element of fire to be equal parts destructive and intelligent. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">I can't describe the gut-wrenching horror of seeing your home on fire. Your primitive lizard brain immediately tells your body to flee, post-haste, or just freeze up like a deer in headlights. Thankfully, someone infinitely smarter than me suggested that we move the car out of the side parking lot to ensure we didn't get trapped behind a bunch of emergency vehicles. After re-positioning to a side street, we watched with dread as the flames grew increasingly ravenous.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">I didn't take any video during those first ten to fifteen frantic minutes. Partly because I was having a really hard time dealing with reality, and also because the whole situation felt, well, <i>embarrassing</i>. Given the human detritus that the building owners had been letting in lately, a part of me wasn't surprised that this was happening. And, as such, I didn't want to document this abject humiliation, the culmination of all my prescient fears.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">In reality, the fire crews arrived blindingly fast but, to my shell-shocked brain, it felt like an eternity. The truth of the matter is, if they'd gotten there any later, the fire probably would have reached the roof. And, given the fact that the building was a wood-heavy structure built in the 60's or 70's, I'm convinced the entire edifice would have foundered if that had happened. And</span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> if you don't believe me, <i>just check out the EPIC at the end of this post</i>. </span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">As soon as the fire crews arrived, I finally gained enough presence of mind to start taking some video. Even in my dumbfounded state, I was pretty impressed by how quickly they brought the blaze under control.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dyo7BEiQOeDP9WVJzQ88wEJjKISUnEQl_jVakcMqMmcXaQI1itqTqz5cc3VA_4M2HZM-231UUTjJRoeeKYxRQ' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">It's so strange for me to watch this now. Taken at 1:55 am, you can see that the ground floor unit is still completely engulfed in flames. There's a fire engine already on site, with more approaching sirens wailing away in the distance. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">I would love to know the identity of the people milling around out front in this video. Could the person responsible for the fire be somewhere in this shot, perhaps chowing down on a big ol' bowl of regretti spaghetti? Also note that someone runs in from the right and approaches the occupants of a car parked directly across from the burning unit. Is that the wayward occupant of said unit? To this day I still have a million questions...and no source for answers. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">At the very end of that segment you can see the firemen (firefolks?) repositioning the hoses and getting ready to soak the same patio where the fire started, which you can see in this next clip, taken one minute later. Note that a second fire engine is now on the scene.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='409' height='279' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dyoTFOjE2Lbkje1ardaLSnhDEAn2ymZL7zePpkct9NFwQIaDGeYenI4_w5KegYkl889jawxIFwAxRUzfiwLPQ' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></span></div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">In this third clip (taken at 2:29 am) you can really see the scale of the response. By then there were no less than four vehicles on Braeside. Clearly concerned about possible hot spots in the attic, the fire fighters ensconced in the side parking lot prepares to access the roof. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">How they did that caught me completely by surprise: <i>they actually used a chainsaw to cut a phreakin' hole in the eave of the building! </i></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dza4cvZjSRIESK4mt5Dd821aP8HASpJL6uv4yUNE66XHeoYYeiDZHIHAOQVf8UXFtFZkiehuH6RudXlVhDu_g' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">This next photo is of particular interest to me. Can someone in the know tell me what's going on here? Are they looking for hot spots? Is this evidence that an investigation of the fire was already well underway? I have no clue.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXOrG0FeDGx_76MS5tlM7K_uHeQYbCUMH1SWpEv6THC7V-ny7C0DurUb1lUC9Hl6OkIgVcQRutycw4KcuF5394aB45-Cq645jUZbAannoKmcHX076WegvER966TjAkomBeCzFzpL_mRUpX-4gKxjkEVqN-9vdfBS9xnEytqBulNY6_CSA4aGPd0o87B5o/s749/Fire%203.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><img border="0" data-original-height="633" data-original-width="749" height="338" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXOrG0FeDGx_76MS5tlM7K_uHeQYbCUMH1SWpEv6THC7V-ny7C0DurUb1lUC9Hl6OkIgVcQRutycw4KcuF5394aB45-Cq645jUZbAannoKmcHX076WegvER966TjAkomBeCzFzpL_mRUpX-4gKxjkEVqN-9vdfBS9xnEytqBulNY6_CSA4aGPd0o87B5o/w400-h338/Fire%203.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br />Taken at 3:54 in the morning, this next clip shows our street completely cordoned off and choked by an entire fleet of emergency vehicles:</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dwMifQ2WsL-GS9Oj7lVIU9ClhLdzR1ry-fRvTaGOxNt2z6M9NPNsVz_6Et8CKJuWnnh3CXM17vko72Qf-kkzA' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></span></div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Then, finally, there's this clip from a minute later, which shows the fire crew finishing its thorough soak of the attic.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dy2JpZdzVKHGmFrUSW-oE1s8nfIFWadxmE66G8b-N-HHcSi--YnBs3WsbqBfcaKACpr4NCD-4RtHyi7_aCCzg' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">And what did we do while we watched our homes go up in smoke? Well, we... </span></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Gossiped with our across-the-hall neighbor Gabrielle about how the fire started and why. I have plenty of thoughts about that, but I gotta keep it to myself right now. At least for the time being.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Tried to stay warm. Even though it was a night in July, it was still pretty cold.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Tried to stay hydrated. At one point, Gabrielle's partner materialized from out of no-where, distributing well-appreciated bottles of water. Thanks, <i>my dude. </i></span></li><li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Considered hanging out in bus Metro Transit had parked on Lacewood drive to act as temporary shelter. I hate to sound ungrateful, but since I despise doing that at the best of times, I opted instead to alternately freeze my ass off outside or huddle in the car for hours on end.</span></li><li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Tried to get some information from the cops, but they were all universally unsympathetic, cocky and / or surly. Not sure if this is relevant, but the average age of these guys looked to be about sixteen to seventeen years old. One cop looked so young I had to resist the urge to put him over my shoulder and burp him. But I didn't cuz dat bebe was packing HEAT. </span></li></ul><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">I also spoke to our neighbor who lived above us. Picture Santa Claus if ol' Saint Nick was from the Irish Loop in Newfoundland. Within seconds, I regretted talking to him because his words cut me to quick.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">"OH, SHE'S GONE, </span><span>B'Y,</span><span style="font-family: inherit;">" he lamented, pulling absolutely zero punches when it came to my visibly-fragile mental state. "DIDJA SEE IT? MY SON, THEY SOAKED THAT FRIGGIN' ATTIC! EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE FLOODED! THE ARSE IS BLOWN RIGHT OUTTA 'ER!"</span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">That may indeed have been the case with Santa's digs but, when the fire department graciously let us back into the building later that night, we felt the tiniest flutter of hope. My apartment actually didn't look all that bad. Granted, in the half-light, I could see some pretty sizable dark spots in the ceiling and water was pooled in the entrance, the kitchen, the dining room and the hall leading to the bathroom. But, from what I could tell, most of my collectibles, including hundreds of games, toys, movies, books and whatnot, looked reasonably intact. Was this a miracle? </span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">"You know, you might have gotten off lucky," one of the firemen observed as he escorted us around.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">After gathering up some key valuables and enough clothing and supplies to keep us sustained for the foreseeable future, we were asked to evacuate for the second time that night. But this time we had no idea when, or if, we'd ever be allowed back in.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">That's when an even more disconcerting thought barged into my brain. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><i><br /></i></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><i>You are homeless. </i></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Next time: as the initial shock wears off, shelter becomes the main consideration. But where do you go when COVID restrictions are lifting in two years and there's literally no room at the inn? </span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"> <br /><b><u>EPIC</u></b>: The fire was reported in a bunch of media releases, including <a href="https://atlantic.ctvnews.ca/several-tenants-displaced-after-halifax-apartment-building-damaged-by-fire-1.5984159" target="_blank">CTV</a>, <a href="https://www.saltwire.com/atlantic-canada/news/no-injuries-in-fire-at-36-unit-apartment-building-in-halifax-100752434/" target="_blank">Saltwire</a> and <a href="https://halifax.citynews.ca/local-news/early-morning-fire-forces-dozens-from-clayton-park-apartment-building-5572923/" target="_blank">CityNews</a>. The best take-away, by far, from all of these articles is the following quote:</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><i><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">“Crews arrived and found the east end of the building was well-involved in flames,” explained district chief Pat Kline. “They got a fast knockdown on the main bulk of the fire, it did extend into the roof and was a little bit of extra work.</span></i></div><div><i><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></i></div><div><i><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">“The first couple of crews did an incredible job stopping it or we could have easily lost the whole building.” </span></i></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"> </span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><b><u>FAIL</u></b>: The worst thing about apartment living: you can be a model tenant but you have no sweet clue <a href="https://perfectrestoration24.com/the-stupidest-causes-of-fire-damage/" target="_blank">what kind of morons</a> you're sharing a roof with. As George Carlin famously said: “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”</span></div><div> </div>David Prettyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11223458627724051713noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1660706916750956362.post-8519708206752771272023-08-09T15:11:00.002-04:002023-08-13T09:30:20.254-04:00The Year of Hell - Part I - The Coming Storm<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg05RpSmeCLm9TjcKBs_xDgcM_M_GiCAD5bbReoKMRSbUf1xti_d-4RJbWo9wwiJXk1UWAs2siXa6hgksqn4OLd8tGWKZb8Vaojn5b1Z-ROzEEaV9XNYGZ7dm9SWUxRBadhVJ2tHugbiYWsDQ-MMRGDAt7X3vPIQp9Xr_iHyDwadzbF49nvS-Q5Bu9TT4s/s616/storm%20on%20the%20horizon.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="386" data-original-width="616" height="201" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg05RpSmeCLm9TjcKBs_xDgcM_M_GiCAD5bbReoKMRSbUf1xti_d-4RJbWo9wwiJXk1UWAs2siXa6hgksqn4OLd8tGWKZb8Vaojn5b1Z-ROzEEaV9XNYGZ7dm9SWUxRBadhVJ2tHugbiYWsDQ-MMRGDAt7X3vPIQp9Xr_iHyDwadzbF49nvS-Q5Bu9TT4s/s320/storm%20on%20the%20horizon.png" width="320" /></a></div><p>Howdy, strangers!</p><p>Been awhile! Howzit hangin'? </p><p>Sorry I've been a negligent blogger. I've been a bit distracted lately. But, hey, I'm back! Back again! Davey's back...tell a friend!</p><p><i>♫♪Guess who's back...guess who's back...guess who's back...♫♪ </i></p><p><i>Sorry, sorry</i>...I'll behave. </p><p>So, for those of you keeping score at home, I fired up this Emblogification Capture Device <i>waaaaay</i> back in April of 2010 to help me through a rough patch. I'd just left a lucrative, but soul-destroying, job that was making me feel as if I was dying inside and frittering my time away while doing it. Armed with a nest egg of "fuck you" money, I quit that pointless toil and struck out on my own in a GRAND EXPERIMENT.</p><p>At that time, I was feeling pretty sanguine about my future. Over the next four years, I used this space to develop my writing and editing skills, cheer-lead the publication of my first novel, explore opportunities in the local film community and generally keep my morale up. The end goal of this GRAND EXPERIMENT was always the same: to get paid to write and / or edit. </p><p>Slowly but surely opportunities presented themselves to me. In 2013, I started a part-time job that was incredibly fulfilling, but also woefully non-lucrative. In 2016, I started to get freelance writing gigs and, since then, I've written over forty articles for a variety of sources. Then, in May of 2019, I became a staff editor for a small publishing house in Ontario.</p><p>With that, I considered the mission of Ye Olde Emblogification Capture Device to be largely complete. This blog went to fallow and I switched my focus to more immediate things that. Like y'know, making money.</p><p>Behind the scenes, the thing that really sustained me during this GRAND EXPERIMENT was my miraculous living situation. For over twenty-five years, I've lived in the same place and, during that time, it became a magical realm frozen in time. As a model tenant, the price for my two bedroom apartment never rose above $840.00 a month. </p><p>When I first moved in there, it was a quiet little place, mainly inhabited by senior citizens. In the mid 90's I fled a louder, noisier chicken coop of a building and put my best foot forward to move into my current place. I actually had to undergo an interview with the family who owned the building back then and, to ensure a good impression, I dressed up and constantly underscored much how I wanted a "quiet place to live." </p><p>"Welp, the loudest it ever gets here is if a card game gets out of hand," the building owner at the time told me, without a hint of irony.</p><p>The place was absolutely lovely for many years. I remember my parents first coming to visit me and they legit though I was the sole tenant in the entire complex. My cute octogenarians neighbors, clad exclusively in ployester slacks, sweater vests and dresses, would decorate the common areas for every occasion and host Christmas and Easter parties with their doors thrown wide open. </p><p>But, as we all know, nothing good ever lasts. About twelve years ago, the building was sold to a new owner and, as the more respectable senior residents died off, things slowly started to go downhill. Since then, we've had to contend with mice, silverfish, pot / cigarette smoke and a wall that leaks like a sieve whenever it's hit by direct rain. </p><p>It's hard to believe, but there was a period of time, circa 2012-2020 when renters held all the cards in Halifax. Our building had a slew of vacant units, which I think the owner was desperate to pack with bodies, so long as they could sit upright and had a body temperature of 37 degrees. As a result, the complexion of the building changed from "ersatz seniors home" to "borderline flophouse." </p><p>Oh, the stories I could tell. How about time the mail-order bride who lived across from me pounded on my door in the middle of the night seeking asylum from the crusty old fuck who requisitioned her? How about the time six months worth of my checks were stolen from the lobby suggestion box by a resident dirtbag? This dumb fuck then proceeded to cash all of them at once, resulting in five of the checks bouncing around town like little rubber balls. </p><p>Oh, then there was the sedentary piece of shit who took it upon himself to single-handedly lower the property values by sitting on his porch all day and night, regardless of season, smoking dope and playing video games through the patio door? Thanks to this charming prick, our parking lot would often become a late night arena for verbal sparring matches between Mr. Charisma and some jobber he'd clearly fucked over in a drug deal. I remember coming home late one night from a friends place and I couldn't even get back into the buildings because the cops had cordoned off the entire street due the latest dispute instigated by this asshole. </p><p>Sadly, there's gonna be lot more about this fucking organ donor coming in future entries. Stay tuned. </p><p>Regardless of how bad things got, I'd always tell myself that things could be worse. Especially when I'd talk to my 20-something co-workers about rent, and they told me that they were paying anywhere from $800.00 to $1200.00 a month...often just for a single room. The implication of this never failed to chill me to the bone. </p><p>Holdupaminit! I'm picking up on your psychic signals, Dear Reader. I can actually hear you asking: why didn't you do what everyone else your age did and buy a house? Welp, that ain't easy when <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.com/2010/09/yeah-i-got-yer-softer-side-right-here_13.html" target="_blank">your first job abruptly vanishes</a> and the subsequent fire you were forced to leap into was so stressful and / or rage inducing that you thought about walking off the job every hour of every day? </p><p>Oh, and, spoiler alert, don't even try and approach a mortgage broker unless you're working full time. They might be able to get you into a house but your rates will be so ridiculous it'll be the equivalent of highway robbery. </p><p>When COVID hit in January of 2020, I really started to worry. What if I was forced out of this place by some sort of calamity beyond my control? I'd be lucky to find <i>any</i> place, let alone a spot where the rent was vaguely comparable. If my rent suddenly jumped, the GRAND EXPERIMENT would come to a screeching halt.</p><p>This paranoia struck me so badly one day during the lockdown that I remember sitting in my room looking around at forty years worth of collectible detritus and thinking: 'What the fuck would I do if this place catches on fire?' </p><p>Looking back on it, I'm reminded of folks who live in some tropical paradise, tentatively looking out across the distant horizon at a wall of dark clouds bearing down on them. What do you do when a storm is coming and you don't know where to go or what to do?</p><p>Well, back on July 12'th 2022...I actually found out.</p><p>NEXT UP: Have you ever wanted to know what its like to wake up from a dead sleep at 2 am with someone pounding on your door and telling you that your building's on fire? For the record, I don't recommend it. </p><p><b><u>EPIC</u></b>: Can anyone please confirm that this place is as great as <a href="https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/nova-scotia/notorious-halifax-apartment-buildings-transformed-into-clean-affordable-housing-1.4734399" target="_blank">this article</a> seems to indicate?</p><p><b><u>FAIL</u></b>: Grim, grim stuff <a href="https://www.zumper.com/rent-research/halifax-ns#:~:text=Rent%20Prices&text=As%20of%20August%202023%2C%20the,compared%20to%20the%20previous%20year." target="_blank">right here</a>. </p>David Prettyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11223458627724051713noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1660706916750956362.post-29188112086402658622020-11-26T10:00:00.001-05:002020-11-26T10:00:15.597-05:00Thanksgiving<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lqX39P99HFU/X7_CsJZQ45I/AAAAAAAAUuM/vyMlSYyouBkBK8n05KFKzfxPuirISA9-ACLcBGAsYHQ/s735/Jelly.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="551" data-original-width="735" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lqX39P99HFU/X7_CsJZQ45I/AAAAAAAAUuM/vyMlSYyouBkBK8n05KFKzfxPuirISA9-ACLcBGAsYHQ/s320/Jelly.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><p></p><p></p><p class="MsoNormal">“Yo, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Jay-</i>cob, stop
hoarding the squash.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">He sat transfixed, staring into the gold-hued, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">butter-and-brown-sugar-laden</i> mound of
gourd innards. His sister’s words scarcely registered amidst the clatter of
silverware on plates and the collective sound of intense gluttony. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Mom, can you poke Jacob with your fork? I think he’s
buffering.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Jennifer smiled awkwardly and reached out to shake her son’s
forearm. The pristine fork slipped from his nonexistent grasp and clunked onto
the draped table. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Jake, honey…are you okay?”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The young man shook his head and looked up from his
side-dish reverie.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“What?” he mouthed. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Your sister asked you to pass the squash,” Jennifer
intoned, nodding incrementally towards Emily, who was now occupied with making grotesque
faces at her brother.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Oh, sure…<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">here</i>.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The precious cargo was delivered and Emily ladled a
disproportionate amount of baked acorn squash onto the hinterland of her
already-crowded plate. She craned her neck in an exaggerated manner, took note
of her brother’s sparse portions and immediately flashed a devilish grin.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Isn’t weed supposed to make you hungry?” she mock-whispered
to her older sister. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">A look of anger flashed across Jacob’s face.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Yeah, you should know, you annoying bi…”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Like Thor’s hammer, a fork-armed fist came down on the
table, causing any cutlery close to the epicenter to jump upon impact.
Immediately all eyes were on Michael, the family patriarch.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Are we still incapable of having a single Thanksgiving
dinner where we don’t end up yelling at one another?”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Jacob was immediately moved by the sight of his father. Like
a flash, his anger was spent, replaced by the sort of knowing melancholy that was
undeniably relatable. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Sorry,” the young man whispered, making a show out of
spearing a few planks of turkey onto his plate while glaring at his sister.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Sooo</i>, Jacob,” his
uncle, Jason, tentatively ventured, “how are things at Cathage Academy?”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Good,” the young man replied.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“’Good’,” parroted his father, casting a side-eye at Jason.
“Forty-five grand in tuition and all he can manage is ‘good’.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">After ladling a tsunami of brown gravy onto his plate, Jacob
put down his utensils, linked his fingers together and then fixed his uncle
with a plaintive stare.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“I’m sorry. Seems I haven’t answered your question to my
father’s satisfaction. Carthage Academy is wonderful. The Political Science
program is great. The class sizes are small, and I never feel like just an ass
in a seat. My professors are patient, learned educators who seem genuinely interested
in guiding my future career choices. All told, five stars out of five…would learn
there again.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Everyone froze mid-chew and was intently staring at him. Immediately,
the dinner scene from <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Troll 2</i> flashed
in his brain and it took all of his willpower not to jump up on his chair and bring
this charade to an unconventional, but definitive, halt. Instead, Jacob opted
not to piss on hospitality, choosing instead to stifle an outburst of laughter
and skewer his father with an intense stare.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Will that do?” he asked pleasantly. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">There were no eyes to meet. His father had already gone back
to rooting around on his plate with his fork.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Better,” he replied, barely audible. “But you didn’t have
to be so snotty about it.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Are you still thinking about going into journalism?” Jason
pursued. By feeding the fire of civil discourse, he hoped to divert attention
away from the palpable bad karma, a presence so real it might have been caught
in the act of stealing the last of the white meat. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Probably my best bet,” Jacob replied. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">He was suddenly aware of a slight headache coming on, likely
triggered by the two (three?) glasses of cheap moscato his mother always to
seem to buy in bulk lately. Of course, the conspicuous absence of the elephant <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i> in the room was an equally-feasible culprit.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“It’s pretty crazy,” he idly continued after briefly
massaging his temple. “We’ve already had two or three reps from some pretty big
media outlets come to the school and guarantee jobs for journalism majors.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Wow,” Samantha exclaimed, interdicting a morsel of sausage
stuffing that threatened to leap out of her mouth. “God, when I was in college,
journalism wasn’t even an option.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Jacob pulled his plate in close, picked up his utensils and
then loaded up a gravy-marinated forkful of turkey and mashed potatoes. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Yeah, well, as soon as the T.A. got rolled back, there were
a lot of new upstarts.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“The T.A.?,” Jason asked,
cocking an eyebrow above the borders of his tortoiseshell glasses.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Jacob paused and chewed diligently, rotating his unburdened
fork in front of him in a gesture meant to expedite the process.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Telecommunications Act,” he finally managed. “Clinton
deregulated the media back in 1996. It was supposed to open things up for
competition, but all it really did was let corporations buy up a shit-ton of independent
newspapers and television stations.” </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Language,” Michael muttered, giving his son a brief
Kubrickian stare, which was promptly ignored.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Oh, yes, I think I read something about that,” Jennifer
ventured, cheerily prospecting for nods of approval around the table. None were
forthcoming. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Thirty years ago there used to be over fifty different
media companies,” Jacob continued. “But after deregulation, it went down to
about six or so.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“You kids are too young to remember, but back in the 80’s, the
news was so simple,” Jennifer observed, looking pleasantly surprised that she
now had the floor. “It was just some guy sitting at a desk reading stories with
some plain-looking graphic in the background. No spin, no editorializing, just
reporting the facts.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Yes, I remember that, too,” Jason concurred. “Everyone
seemed to be on the same page back then. With the whole ‘truth in media’
movement lately, I think we’re finally getting back to that.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Jacob nodded vigorously, stalling so he could speak again.
His mother hated it when her kids chewed with their mouths full.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Yeah it was pretty there for the longest time. The corporations
snapped up all of the competition and then set up their own 24-hour cable news
networks. Between that and social media, it pretty much kicked off the whole ‘customized
reality’ era.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Haw</i>, good name
for it,” Samantha barked, pouring a fresh goblet of wine for herself. Jacob was
suitably<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>impressed; his sister was
probably two glasses ahead of him by now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Seriously, that’s what my profs are calling it now. If you
were right-wing, you had Fox News, and then Rush Limbaugh, Parler, Info Wars
and QAnon for the real wing-nuts…”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Jesus Christ!” Michael suddenly blurted. “Are we seriously talking
about this? <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Now</i>, of all times?!?”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Everyone’s heads collectively snapped around to look at him,
risking group whiplash. Immediately Jacob felt a powerful stab of regret. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Sorry, Dad,” he mumbled, and then instinctively cast his
gaze downward. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">He was immediately lost in the monochromatic landscape that
was his dinner, a muddy mish-mash of gravy, turkey and mashed potatoes,
punctuated by a clementine-hued asterisk at the edge of the plate. Something from
this gastronomical tableau was missing, however, and he spent an inordinate
amount of time lost in examination. Even the palpable sensation of his little
sister staring a hole in the side of his head failed to dislodge him. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Looks like the good stuff’s finally kicking in,” Emily
whispered to Samantha, who admonished her with a playful slap and non-committal
frown of disapproval. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But it was recognition, not chemicals, that finally
triggered Jacob’s dulled synapses.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Cranberry sauce!” he blurted, more audibly than he
intended. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">He spun his knife in his hand, like Tom Cruise with a whisky
bottle in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Cocktail</i>, an old movie that
his Dad and Granddad used to inexplicably watch every Thanksgiving. For years, its
precious one-hundred-and-three minute runtime seemed to douse the fireworks without
fail. At least until his grandfather stopped coming to dinner. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">That purplish, gelatinous cylinder, ridged from its aluminum
prison, quivered half-way across the table as if openly mocking him. Instead of
giving his annoying sister the satisfaction of asking for her help, Jacob used
his simian-length arms in an attempt to reel a cross-section of the tart prize.
</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“And, Emily, how’ve you been lately?” Jason queried, casting
a quizzical look towards Jacob as he struggled to separate, balance and secure
a limp slab of cranberry goodness. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Alright,” she shrugged, violently mashing her squash to
destroy even the slightest hint of particulates. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“’<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Alright,</i>’”
Michael scoffed, shaking his head. “Roof over her head and good food to eat
whenever she wants it. A bit better than ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">alright</i>’,
I’d say.” </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Jacob didn’t see the storm blowing up in Emily’s eyes, nor
the expectant grimace that flashed across Sam’s face. He was completely preoccupied
with the Herculean task of transporting that trembling disc of cranberry jelly back
to his plate. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Yeah, well, we’re can’t all be like the ‘golden child’ over
here,” Emily spat, jabbing the handle of her fork in her brother’s direction.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Jason was starting to have regrets for inadvertently stumbling
upon this conversational landmine, but Jacob was completely oblivious. He stuck
out his tongue, like a Shaolin monk adopting the forward stance to reinforce stability
and concentration before launching into a miraculous display of agility. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Well, at least he has some focus,” Michael blared, almost
relieved by the opportunity to be combative. “He’s planning for his future, and
your sister had her pick of good jobs out there now. But what are you doing?
Absolutely nothing!” </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Michael<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">, please!</i>”
Jennifer said, her look pleading and pained, not angry.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The sight of that jiggling payload precariously balanced on
Jacob’s fork suddenly reminded him of his grandfather. Every time his mom
cracked a tin of the stuff, he could hear ol’ Bob fly off the handle, regardless
of what room, or state, he was in. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">‘Jesus Christ, Jenny!’ he could hear the old man bellow, as
if he were sitting to his immediate left. ‘All you gotta do is boil some sugar
water and throw in a few damned cranberries. Even frozen ones are good. Ten
times better than <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">that</i> friggin’
abomination.’</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The yelling in his memory was immediately eclipsed by his
sister screaming right into his left ear.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Yeah, well, at least I didn’t sign off on murdering my own
father!” she screeched.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">With that, Jacob lost his concentration and the glistening,
maroon-hued puck slipped off of his silverware, cart-wheeled in mid-air, slapped
into the side of the turkey platter and half-landed on his mother’s pristine
white tablecloth with a wet “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">thlup</i>”
sound. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Immediately Jacob felt everyone’s stern regard turn on him. He
glanced incrementally to the right and saw that his mother had cupped her hands
to her mouth in shock, either because of Emily’s declaration or the growing
patch of cranberry blood that was rapidly spreading out on her gilded
tablecloth. He calmly placed his knife and fork down and slowly stood up. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">All eyes watched as Jacob paced around for a bit, rubbing
his eyes with the heel of his hands and combing his hair back with his fingers.
It’s not like this was a revelation. He knew what had happened, but to hear it
uttered out loud had a certain crass awfulness to it. It was the equivalent of
digging a dead pet out of the back-yard and using it as the table’s centerpiece.
Eventually Emily reeled in his gaze, stopping him dead in his tracks. She
looked devastated.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“She’s right, you know,” Jacob intoned, gesturing at his younger
sister and looking at each of them in turn.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Jake,” his mother said, exhibiting unearthly patience. “We
did everything we could.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Really? Did we?” he returned. “Did you ever think that
maybe, just maybe, after Nana died, that those people were the only company he
had for the better part of the year?”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">That’s when his father shot up, the chair groaning in
protest as the back of his legs sent it skidding along the hardwood floor.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“He did that to himself, Jacob,” Michael growled. “All of
those toxic beliefs he had. It got to the point where I couldn’t even stomach
being in the same room with him. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">My own
father</i>.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Well, you should have talked to him!” Jacob countered. It
was a decent bluff. Inside he felt like he was flailing.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“What, do you think we didn’t try?” Michael shot back,
sounding incredulous. “He wouldn’t even listen. His mind was 100% made up.
Nothing would budge him…<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">nothing</i>.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Samantha suddenly cleared her throat and took a deep,
bracing gulp of wine.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Jacob, do you remember last April when he went in for gall
bladder surgery?” she ventured.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Yes.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“He asked me and Em to look after Troubles because he said
he ‘couldn’t trust Dad anymore.’ As soon as we got back to his place we blocked
every one of those stupid fringe cable channels, cleaned up his Facebook feed
and unsubscribed him from God knows how many email chains.” </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Yeah, well, we all know how well that worked, huh?” Jacob
snidely observed.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“You’re right, Jacob,” Michael said. “It made him even more
pissed him off and paranoid than ever. Every voice mail he left for us, every
DM, every email…nothing but ‘snowflakes’, ‘sheeple’ and ‘libtards.’<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whatever conspiracy-<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">du-jour</i> the underground rabble was still crapping out at the time -
the dumbest, sickest shit you can possibly imagine about Jewish global conspiracies,
cannibal pedophiles, 5G cell phone towers, monitoring chips, fucking <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">lizard people</i> - he’d regurgitate all of it
without question.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Jacob winced as if stung and Michael collapsed back down in
his chair, seemingly drained after being forced to evoke all of this again. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“He was a smart, critically-thinking man once,” he mumbled.
“But, towards the end, the shit he was peddling made absolutely no sense. For
the love of God, if not for the vaccine, we probably wouldn’t all <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>be here today.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">He fell silent, giving his wife an opportunity to pick up
the invisible conch.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“We thought all of those new media regulations would clean
things up and give him a chance to decompress. And, when that didn’t work, we
called the Department of Continuance to get him into the clarity seminars. We
hoped that would bring him around, but it just made him more angry and obstinate.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Jason sheepishly glanced around the room. He looked as if
he’d been clubbed in the head with a piece of driftwood. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“You guys never told me it was that bad.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“It was awful,” Michael resumed. “But the worst thing was
getting that call from the DOC. They flat out told me that he was too far gone
and they recommended <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">quietus</i>.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Except for the faint sound of Socks the cat whispering
between the chair legs in search of dropped morsels, the room was suddenly very
silent. </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“So that’s it then,” Emily hissed, lowering her voice
incrementally as if suddenly concerned that there might be monitoring devices
hidden in the green beans. “We just give up on people now.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“It was the hardest decision we’ve ever had to make, Em,” Michael
responded without a moment’s pause. “We’d just suffered through four years of the
worst backslide this country has ever seen, in part, because of people just as
deluded and ill-informed as my father was. If forty percent of the population
flat-out refuse to accept reality, what can we do?”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“I dunno,” Emily said, sounding venomous. “Maybe help them?”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“They can’t, or won’t, be helped,” he replied. “There’s no
way we can progress if half the population is grossly misinformed, willfully
ignorant or flat-out regressive. If we have any hope whatsoever of moving
forward as a nation, people like that have to go.” </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Jacob felt sweat beading on his top lip. He picked up his
napkin and dabbed at his face. He suddenly felt very sick and had to sit down.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Uncle Jay?” he asked, introducing an inaugural sip of water
to his body for the first time today.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Jason looked away from an unfocused point somewhere
mid-table and perked up.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“You asked me what I wanted to major in,” the young man
said, scraping the increasingly-formless burgundy blob off the table and
slinging it onto his plate.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Yes?” his uncle asked, leaning forward expectantly.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“I think I figured it out.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">An endless beat of silence.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Do tell,” Samantha said, sounding impatient.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“I think I’m gonna go into law.”</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">This time it was his father’s turn to drop a fork. </p><br /><p></p>David Prettyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11223458627724051713noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1660706916750956362.post-85852324135255294222020-03-26T11:07:00.001-04:002020-04-06T12:16:04.564-04:00What Kind Of Trump Supporter Are You?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-a_C-wtQDYyQ/XnuOhSxCzrI/AAAAAAAAUiw/ENGcU9AJ944KC64wnWUe0jOxP3k4PUwCgCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/trump_balboa1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="955" height="167" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-a_C-wtQDYyQ/XnuOhSxCzrI/AAAAAAAAUiw/ENGcU9AJ944KC64wnWUe0jOxP3k4PUwCgCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/trump_balboa1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
In my mercifully-limited interactions with Trump supporters, I've discovered that they pretty much fall into one or more of the following categories:<br />
<br />
(1) <b><u>401K Fetishists</u></b> These folks have somehow got it into their heads that only business people are fit to run the world, despite the fact that a disproportionate number of them are complete and total sociopaths.<br />
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<br />
Despite the fact that Trump had a <a href="https://www.newyorker.com/news/our-columnists/donald-trumps-business-failures-were-very-real">comically-bad public sector business record</a> and the personality of a <a href="https://youtu.be/-55hPvPnTOU">80's porn distributor</a>, this was the guy the American people decided to foist up as their best possible avatar to lead their nation.<br />
<br />
And, hey, I'll give the guy credit where it's due. He did a reasonably-good job building on the economic momentum initiated by President Obama. But, then again, any moron can <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2019/12/30/business/trump-tax-cuts-beat-gilti.html">exempt businesses from paying a dime of taxes</a> which could be used to fund critical social programs or <a href="https://www.npr.org/2017/01/30/512445032/trump-acts-to-roll-back-regulations-on-businesses">remove key regulations</a> to <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/politics/wp/2018/07/31/trumps-two-track-strategy-the-rich-get-richer-and-the-poor-get-distracted/">make affluent folks even richer</a>.<br />
<br />
During those heady salad days (I.E. up until around mid-March of this year), Americans who could actually afford investments were perfectly content to turn a blind eye to Trump's worst attributes, merely because their $401K's were performing well. Which begs the question, why are some of these folks still supporting that clementine hobgoblin after COVID-19 eloquently pointed out the critical flaw in our society, which is based entirely around constant, unsustainable consumption?<br />
<br />
I guess many of these $401K fetishists also share one (or more) of the following odious leanings...<br />
<br />
(2) <b><u>Objectivist Ayn Randian Assholes</u></b><br />
<br />
Sadly, an entire generation of Conservatives / Republicans were weaned on the teaching of this inexplicably-influential Russian crone:<br />
<br />
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<br />
Even though her "screw everyone else, I'm lookin' out for number one!" philosophy is anathema to the development of a humane and progressive society, Conservatives and Republicans are 100% more likely to have a poster of ol' Baba Yaga here up on their wall versus Margot Robbie.<br />
<br />
"What? Objectivism? A fancy-sounding philosophy that gives me the right to act like a self-absorbed dick-head? Wow, where do I sign up?"<br />
<br />
I swear to Vishnu that the following story is true. I was in Salem on vacation one time, just hanging out in a busy shopping district....oh, wait, before I go any further I have to explain that this took place during THE BEFORE TIMES when we could BE OUTDOORS and STILL GATHER IN GROUPS OF TWO.<br />
<br />
Anyhoo, a couple of people representing a recognizable social action group were stopping people and asking if they'd like to sign a petition to raise awareness for environmental concerns. At one point they stopped this douchey-looking, suit-and-tie, briefcase-toting mound of mobile hair gel and asked if he'd be willing to sign the petition.<br />
<br />
Without a beat he held up his hand, marched right past them and announced: "Nope...I'm a Republican."<br />
<br />
'You're not a Republican, I thought to myself. 'You're a galloping ass munch.'<br />
<br />
Oh, related point: if you've spent your entire adult life railing against the "evils of socialism", I sincerely hope that your livelihood wasn't even incrementally impacted by this whole COVID-19 crap. Because if you accept so much as a dime of funding during this time, you may want to make your self-quarantine permanent.<br />
<br />
(3) <b><u>The Brainwashed</u></b><br />
<br />
Even though we should, in theory, have access to more reliable information than ever before, many of us seem perfectly willing to customize our news, effectively crawling into an echo chamber, never to re-emerge into the light of reason and awareness ever again.<br />
<br />
Back in the day, everyone got their news from the same established periodicals or nightly network broadcasts. Granted, there were still discernible political leanings between, say, <i>Time</i> or <i>Newsweek</i> magazine, but they weren't driven by a blatant corporate agenda or mandated to churn out bloated, 800 page issues every month filled speculative (read: wing-nutty) editorials.<br />
<br />
For those out there who still remember COMMUNAL SPACES and CHATS AROUND THE WATER COOLER, folks would often gather together the following morning to discus the previous day's events. The thing is, back then, everyone was vaguely on the same page because they were still being informed by fact-based journalism.<br />
<br />
But then, along comes Bill "Good Ole' Boy" Clinton, who deregulates media ownership with the disastrous <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Telecommunications_Act_of_1996">Telecommunications Act of 1996</a>. This essentially let corporations snatch up hundreds of independent media outlets until, nowadays, everything in the U.S. looks like <a href="https://www.titlemax.com/discovery-center/lifestyle/who-owns-your-news-the-top-100-digital-news-outlets-and-their-ownership/">this</a>.<br />
<br />
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Given this new climate of corporate over-watch, media has since become little more than a soap-box for rich owners and their agendas. And, look, this isn't limited to conservative news outlets. It's a serious symptom for any 24-hour cable news channel. </div>
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I don't know about you, but every time I click on a CNN or MSNBC YouTube vid, I'll watch it up until they stop reporting the details of the event. Then, as soon as they roll out a panel of so-called "experts" in to "interpret" what they just told me, I click it off. Back in the 80's, there was no "interpretation" of the days events. You were told the facts and you made up your own damned mind about it.</div>
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But, hey, at least CNN and MSNBC still qualify as a news organization, as opposed to Fox "News", which is little more than a constant conveyor belt of conspiratorial opinion pieces mouthed by an interchangeable parade of creepy thimbots masquerading as journalists...</div>
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It's really interesting to see what happens when intrinsically good people, who have be exclusively marinating in Faux News, Rush Limblaugh and *heaven forbid* Info Wars, suddenly get disconnected from the teat of fear, paranoia and hatred.<br />
<br />
At least this story has a happy ending:<br />
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<iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/v4UOsPoPMjA" width="560"></iframe>
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<br />
(4) <b><u>"Look, I'm Not Racist, BUT..."</u></b><br />
<br />
Back in the day, before such things were normalized, the only place where people could openly yell racist shit in public were at wrestling events. I imagine Hossein Khosrow Ali Vaziri, AKA The Iron Sheik, had some charming l'il homilies yelled at him by rednecks many a time while he was a heel for the WWF.<br />
<br />
Then again, <a href="https://www.vice.com/en_ca/article/xd4n3d/dont-insult-the-iron-sheik-bubba">he's said some bizarre shit himself</a>, so maybe that's not the best example.<br />
<br />
But, hey, now looky here! We got ourselves a prezident with zero control over the darkest aspects of the human ID. Finally, them pesky filters and bulwarks of common decency are gone and I can finally speak the truth! Sure my investments are in the dumper and 10% of the U.S. population might die due to <a href="https://youtu.be/NezEbDx4B9A">Trump's idiocy</a>, but I can still feel good about myself by publicly airing my hatred for brown people!<br />
<br />
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</div>
<br />
(4) <b><u>Art of the Deal...With The Devil</u></b><br />
<b><u><br /></u></b>Hey, guess what, guys? Trump's actually a Democrat at heart!<br />
<br />
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<br />
Fun fact, that l'il "hit piece" was actually compiled by human / blobfish hybrid Ted Cruz! Thanks, Ted...you <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nbWO2DbqjXM">two-faced, sycophantic, spineless toad</a>.<br />
<br />
Okay, I hear what you're saying...a guy can change his mind, right? Well, what if I were to tell you that Trump pivoted on this issue <a href="https://time.com/5783257/donald-trump-pro-life-evangelical-voters/">merely because he knew it would win him the Evangelical / right to life vote</a>?<br />
<br />
And, granted, when he was elected, he did go on to become one of the <a href="https://www.nationalreview.com/magazine/2020/02/24/donald-trumps-pro-life-presidency/">biggest "right to life" champions</a>. And for this, his feckless base LOVE him for it, with former director of the Christian Coalition, Ralph Reed, going so far as to say that Trump "masterfully capitalized on his pro-life position in a way I think no one could have envisioned four years ago" and that "voters who are pro-life love Donald Trump and they will crawl across broken glass to get him reelected."<br />
<br />
What really amuses me is how Evangelicals, I.E. all of those "holier than thou" types, are willing to turn a blind eye to the fact that Trump is one of the most corrupt and immoral creeps to ever hold the office of President. <br />
<br />
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<br />
And for folks who value the wisdom of the Bible, there sure like to ignore this particular chestnut:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>"It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God".</i></span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
***</div>
<br />
So, there you go. How many categories do you fit into? One? Two? Do you proudly check off every box?<br />
<br />
Speaking as someone who was raised with a conscience, functioning ears and eyes and a memory that extends more than five years, I disqualified Trump as a presidential candidate / human being back in the 80's when I first heard him vomit the most narcissistic, inane shit to tumble out of a mammal's mouth. I consider myself a good judge of character and my first impression of Trump was of an ego-maniacal, Gordon Gecko-style blowhard corporatist who wears ignorance, excess and greed on his sleeve like a badge of honor.<br />
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Seriously, America, consider picking someone from a different sector to lead you next time. Assuming there will be a next time. A scientist, maybe? OooOoo...how about a virologist?<br />
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<u style="font-weight: bold;">EPIC</u>: "This is your brain."<br />
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If people had just paid a modicum of attention to Trump's pre-presidency exploits, I'm confident that he would have been immediately disqualified as a valid presidential candidate.<br />
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<b><u>FAIL</u></b>: "This is your brain on Faux News, Rush Limblaugh and Infant Wars."<br />
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<br />David Prettyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11223458627724051713noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1660706916750956362.post-76559642015440598062019-10-31T11:30:00.002-04:002019-10-31T11:30:13.848-04:00The Obligatory Halloween Post...From Another World!Keep watching the skies, you glorious weirdos!<br />
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It's SHOCKtober, kiddies, I.E. that time of FEAR when I regale you with yet another tale of how a classic horror movie scared the ever-lovin' shingles outta me as a young, aspiring horror hound!<br />
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In past entries I've talked about some <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.com/2010/10/obligatory-halloween-post.html">early formative scares</a> as well as my encounters with such scintillating cinema sins as <i><a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.com/2011/10/return-of-obligatory-halloween-post.html">An American Werewolf in London</a></i>, <i><a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.com/2012/10/revenge-of-obligatory-halloween-post.html">The Exorcist</a></i>, <i><a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.com/2013/10/son-of-obligatory-halloween-post.html">The Texas Chainsaw Massacre</a></i>, <i><a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.com/2014/10/obligatory-halloween-post-walks-among-us.html">Alien</a></i>, <i><a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.com/2015/10/curse-of-obligatory-halloween-post.html">The Return of the Living Dead</a></i>, <i><a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.com/2016/10/">The Evil Dead</a></i>, <i><a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.com/2017/10/obligatory-halloween-postmustbedestroyed.html">The Shining</a></i> and <i><a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.com/2018/10/obligatory-halloween-post-has-risen.html">Dawn of the Dead</a></i>.<br />
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Before the internet, the best way to learn about scary movies was via my aforementioned and much-loved horror movie books, such as Tom Hutchinson's <i>Horrors: A History of Horror Movies, </i>released in 1983.<br />
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Like a masochist, I'd flip through these hoary hardcover tomes, auditioning potential the next fright flicks to traumatize myself with. During every peruse, I couldn't help but gravitate towards the following off-putting image, which was from a film that had been released one year prior:<br />
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'Jesus shitly fuck,' I thought to myself. 'That is pure nightmare fuel!'<br />
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This was driven home by a macro view of the same scene on page 162:<br />
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My half-baked brain had a really hard time reconciling what it was looking at. My dread level was elevated when I read Tom's pearl-clutching description of the flick:<br />
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<i>"The movie...offers enormous opportunities to the make-up and special-effects department, and Rob Bottin certainly makes the most of them, turning a dog into a hideous spider-like beast and causing a man to lose his head and burst apart at the seams. Yet for all its technical brilliance (the film) teeters dangerously on the edge of what is acceptable in horror films. It’s box office results were disappointing, perhaps because word-of-mouth indicated that the film was not just horrific, it was too grizzly and unpleasant to be viewed comfortably. No horror film should be viewed comfortably, of course. Audiences should always be kept on the edge of their seats or even halfway under them. But they should not be made to feel so uncomfortable that they feel sick and ill. It’s a debatable point but the lack of (the film's) financial success suggest there is some validity to the argument."</i><br />
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Even though I'd managed to make it through some pretty stomach-churning fare in the past, the very thought of watching this flick made my blood pressure spike. Indeed, the critics in these horror books seemed convinced that this movie was the absolute nadir when it came to good taste and restraint.<br />
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Here's Nigel Andrew's equally-excitable review:<br />
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<i>"Mutilations and mutations occupy about equal screen time, as a group of Arctic scientists are picturesquely torn apart by alien forces. A decapitated head sprouts spider legs and scuttles across the floor; a dog's head spontaneously burst open like a bloody flower; and the climax features...a towering, roaring, slavering bouquet of limbs and innards and organs all lashing around like an escaped Hieronymus Bosch painting."</i><br />
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The funny thing is, I actually understood the Hieronymus Bosch reference because of this other horror book I owned back then...<br />
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Featured on page 15 was the artist's classic triptych: <i>The Garden of Early Delights</i>, including the following harrowing depictions of hell:<br />
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I didn't know it at the time, but ol' Nigel's analogy would prove to be spot on.<br />
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So, one fateful winter night, when I knew the 'rents would be away for the entire evening, I ran down to my local vidja store, the Video Scream, er...<i>Screen</i>, and picked me up a copy of...<br />
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<b><u><span style="font-size: x-large;">THE THING (1982)</span></u></b></div>
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The movie starts our with a stereotypical "flying saucer"-style UFO hurtling towards our planet. This immediately triggered the thought that 'Hey, this flick isn't scary...it's space-y! It's like <i>Star Wars</i>!' but then I remembered the last time I assumed that, the movie turned out to be <i><a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.com/2014/10/obligatory-halloween-post-walks-among-us.html">Alien</a></i>, so I quickly jettisoned that hope like a xenomorph out of an airlock.<br />
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Segue to a bad-ass title sequence which saw "THE THING" slowly burning into my cathode ray tube T.V. screen and, subsequently, my increasingly-skittish brain.<br />
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After several picturesque but desolate establishing shots, I watched with budding interest (and discomfort) as the speck of a distant helicopter drew closer, winging it way across the stark, white, frozen, landscape. Eventually its quarry was revealed: a dog or, more specifically, an Alaskan malamute lithely running away from the whirlybird.<br />
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That's when the helicopter's passenger whipped out a semi-automatic rifle and start sniping away at the doggo. Rewatching the movie now, I can't but help to wonder if <a href="https://www.thedodo.com/sarah-palin-animal-villain-999374582.html">Sarah Palin</a> was affected by this film as a child even more than I was.<br />
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Even at a very young age, I could recognize quality film-making when I saw it, noting director John Carpenter's awesome camera set-ups in this sequence. This was aided considerably by the legendary cinematography of Carpenter's long-time collaborator, Dean Cundey, resulting in one of the best- looking horror films in cinema history. Hell, even the slimy bits that followed later on looked good, in their own weird way.<br />
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As the dog and the pursuing chopper started to approach a remote-looking research station, I got a brief montage introducing us to the film's characters, including the legendary Kurt Russell as R.J. MacReady. Resplendent in his Snake Plissken-era long hair and prospector beard, Russell once again proves that he's a god among men within a few seconds of screen time. That is, until he loses his computer chess game and sulkily hucks what's left of his drink into its electronic innards, shorting out the "cheatin' bitch" in the process.<br />
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And, yes, back in the early 80's it was perfectly feasible to invest a ludicrous amount of money into a computer that did nothing but play chess with you. What can I say, back then we were all hidin' in caves and shit, terrified of the sun. Anyhoo, I digress...<br />
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I remember watching intently as the dog, arguably the best actor in the entire movie, entered the perimeter of the camp. By the way, I was already completely invested in the film by that point. Likely because the exteriors for this fictional setting of U.S. Outpost 31 in Antarctica, was actually a real set built on location in remote Stewart, British Columbia. Nowadays, most of this would be shot on a sound stage or with the actors standing in front of a green screen with a CGI snowbank comped into the background.<br />
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When MacReady blearily emerges from his watch post and stumbles out into this very real environment, I’m 100% sold on the illusion. This is really driven home when the cast gear up in their snowsuits and venture outside, curious as to what all the ruckus is all about. You can see their breath in the cold air, which modern special effects artists would just simulate with CGI. To this day, "simple" effects like CGI cold breath sticks out to me like a sore thumb.<br />
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The helicopter's frantic passenger jumps out and hurls a grenade at the dog about as well as Trump would theoretically throw a baseball. After promptly blowing both himself and the chopper up right some good, the pilot stalked up to the camp's perimeter, guns blazing, clearly hell-bent on killing the mutt.<br />
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Just before he can "Old Yeller" the poor pooch, Garry, the base commander, played by Donald Moffat, smashes out a window with his revolver and ventilates the babbling Nordic freak. Even this scene really disturbed me as a kid. I was used to seeing people flying back in an exaggerated way when they got shot in movies, but here, when the actor got tagged in the head, he just kinda face-planted into the snow as if the life was instantly sucked out of him. This rag-doll doll effect, accompanied by a final death spams, seemed subconsciously realistic to me.<br />
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That's when I was introduced to a flurry of characters, including physician Copper (Richard Dysart), chief mechanic Childs (Keith David), geologist Norris (Charles Hallahan), radio operator Windows (Thomas Waites), senior biologist Blair (Wilford Brimley), roller-skating cook Nauls (T.K. Carter), sardonic burn-out / assistant mechanic Palmer (David Clennon), assistant biologist Fuchs (Joel Polis), Clark the dog-handler (Richard Masur) and meteorologist / random casualty Bennings, played by Peter Maloney. Immediately, everyone seemed well-cast and inhabited their respective roles perfectly.<br />
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As MacReady and Copper wing off in the chopper to investigate the Norwegian base, Carpenter turns out attention back to the base. Accompanied by the eerily-appropriate strains of Stevie Wonder's "Superstitious", we see this foreign dog creeping around the base. Again, I'm an animal lover, particularly dogs. I've been around them all my life and I know when they're giving an unnatural performance. So, to you, Jed the wolf dog, I wanna say cheers, my dude. Good job creeping me right the fux out.<br />
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At one point, the dog slinks into a room and we see a silhouette turn towards the animal. Although you could probably parse out the identity of this person now by process of elimination back then I had no idea who that was. In fact, I'm pretty sure Carpenter pulled a fast one and used some random person's silhouette who isn't even in the cast. At this point, I started to pick up on all the subtle techniques that Carpenter was using here, including the frequent use of dissolves.<br />
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I feel myself shifting uncomfortably on the couch as MacReady and Copper arrived at the destroyed Norwegian base. Here's another example of the film's seamless production design. The place is a creepy, burned-out husk that clearly shows signs of a desperate struggle. Between the bloody ax driven into the wall and the incredibly gruesome sight of a dead body with it's wrists slit open and a Pac-Man like straight razor wound to the neck, Carpenter and company build an atmosphere that is truly unsettling.<br />
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I almost shut of the movie at that point, but I steeled myself and pushed on. Unfortunately the creep factor went through the stratosphere when Copper and MacReady came across a giant block of ice with a massive humanoid shape cut out of the middle of it. What was even more disturbing was the body dumped outside, a strange and twisted blend of charred limbs and melted faces. I almost had a conniption when the Doc suggested that they wrap the monstrosity up and take it back to the base for an autopsy.<br />
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"What are you guys doing?!" I muttered audibly to myself. "Does that Mr. Potato Head floral arraignment of half-melted body parts look even remotely normal to you two fucks?"<br />
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Oddly, they didn't seem to hear me. After they got this mangled stew of flesh back to the base, I was "treated" to a nauseating series of nigh-pornographic close-up autopsy shots, showing this weird, twisted, mishmash of human remains close up. The puzzled look of revulsion on the actor's faces pretty much mirrored my own at that point.<br />
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Even though Blair's autopsy leads him to conclude that the monstrosity has a completely normal set of internal organs, when the camera pans up to revel a warped and twisted face, we clearly know that something's rotten in the state of Norway. Later on, THE CREEPIEST HOBO scares the crap out of Bennings, so he orders Clark to put the animal in the kennel<br />
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The scene where the mystery dog is penned up with the other animals is absolutely amazing. I know I keep harping on this, but I really think this good boi deserves a posthumous Academy Award. He <i>slooooowly</i> walks in and methodically lays down, all the while doing this insane Willem Dafoe in <i>Platoon</i> 1000-yard stare, which understandably unnerves the rest of the pack.<br />
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As soon as Clark is out of sight, we see why the dogs are getting so spooked. I sat there in stunned wonderment as the Norwegian dog started to shake and then his head suddenly split open like a gory flower. I gaped, slack-jawed at the screen as the revealed skull just kinda fell off, revealing a massive lashing tongue.<br />
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At first I was just too flabbergasted to hit "STOP" on the VCR remote. Particularly when the dog's once-beautiful fur broke out into a rash of flailing calamari. I sat there, transfixed as this beautiful animal transformed before my very eyes into a Lovecraftian nightmare monster.<br />
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The other dogs, who could sense that shit was about to get very real as soon as their spooky new flat-mate moved in, are now desperately trying to get as far away as possible, even chewing on the wire mesh of the cage door. At this stage, limbs and tentacles are just lashing and splattering all over the cage. In a particularly sickening scene, the creature appears to power-jizz all over one of the crouching dogs.<br />
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And that's when I shut the movie off for a second, partially due to terror and partially due to nausea.<br />
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'Who the fuck decided that it was a good idea to give Carpenter a budget?' I thought to myself.<br />
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After pressing "PLAY" on the remote, I instinctively recoiled, expecting to see something even worse. Instead I watched as Clark headed back to the pen, clearly alarmed by all the ruckus. As soon as he opened the cage door to investigate, a dog came flying at him from out of nowhere. After spotting the writhing mass of rampant tentacles, he immediately kicks the door shut and locks it.<br />
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Even half-drunk in his quarters, MacReady can hear the growling and unearthly screams. He sounds the base alarm and dashes off to help. When he reaches the cage, Clark's testimony pretty much sums up the entire situation:<br />
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<i>"I dunno what the hell's in there, but it's weird and pissed off, whatever it is."</i></div>
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We then see Bennings burst into Child's room, asking for the flamethrower. When a character in a horror movie invokes the "kill it with fire" clause, you know the shit is hitting the fan!<br />
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The next time I chanced a glimpse inside the cage, it was through a mesh of interlocked fingers. And, <b>*spoiler alert*</b>, the scene was predictably awful. By now, the creature has done due diligence in its effort to imitate and absorb this entire pack of dogs. The beast unleashes a hellish, ear-piercing scream as MacReady whips the gate open.<br />
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Both of us watched in astounded horror as the thing lashed out at one of the remaining dogs, practically mummifying the poor thing in a yarn-like ball of pulpy tentacles. I feel myself living vicariously through Mac as he snaps, blowing away the remaining dogs in what any rational man would see as a mercy kill.<br />
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Unfortunately, Clark isn't rational and he tries to wrestle the weapon away from Mac. This gives the creature an opportunity to morph again, sprouting a pair of grotesque, oversized limbs which reach up, crash through the roof and start pulling the bloody, skinned carcass towards the ceiling. That's when Childs finally had the presence of mind to step up with the flamethrower.<br />
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Unfortunately, he immediately found himself in a staring contest with a one-eyed horror show that unexpectedly split open and shot a tongue-and-tooth-covered rose petal of pure nightmare fuel in his direction. At the very last second, in an act of pure self-preservation, he finally triggered the flamethrower, instantly cremating the inexplicable threat.<br />
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I'm not sure what caused me to stop the film for a second time at this point. Was an assault by a monster who's penchant to terrify wasn't restrained by a set physical form? The genuine terror displayed by the cast? Or was it the creature's final death scream, a triumph of sound design that lingers in my nightmares to this very day? Whatever it was, it took awhile for me to voluntarily wade back into this visual abattoir.<br />
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Comes the dawn, and I immediately get another justification for skipping the popcorn. Wilford Brimley looks decidedly nauseated here as he hacks open the nightmarish amalgam of surreal flesh left over from the previous sequence. The scene fades out on his authentically-disgusted facial expression, the fade-out hinting at the time it took for both his and our brain to process what we've just witnessed. In the very next scene he’s regaling his buds with his theory about the creature:<br />
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<i>"You see, what we're talkin' about here is an organism that imitates other life-forms, and it imitates 'em perfectly. When this thing attacked our dogs, it tried to digest them...absorb them. And, in the process, shape its own cells to imitate them. This for instance. That's not dog. It's imitation. We got to it before it had time to finish."</i><br />
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This gives considerable weight to the following scene where he's administering a sedative to one of the surviving malamutes, all the while grilling Clark about his time with the alien doggo. Clark reacts defensively and it's almost as if Blair sees the writing on the wall right then and there. The paranoia has begun and, in a very real way, it's already game over.<br />
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The team reviews video footage brought back from the destroyed camp. Even though my stomach was beginning to settle at that point, the grainy images immediately made my skin crawl. With the video seemingly documenting that the Norwegians discovered a massive humanoid shape buried in the ice, MacReady, Norris and Palmer head off in the chopper to check it out.<br />
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Soon the trio find themselves standing at the site of a massive downed spacecraft, the same one we saw hurtling towards earth before the credits. This chilling scene is augmented by a stellar matte paining by the legendary artist Albert Whitlock as well as some truly eerie music by the equally amazing Ennio Morricone. It's a one-two punch to the nerves that had me dreading the implications of what's to come.<br />
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After MacReady reports his findings back at the base and Nauls scolds his team-mates for putting their "dirty drawers" in the kitchen garbage ("Hey, kids...it's a CLUE!"), we fade see Blair in his lab. In a gloriously-dated ode to Atari-era video game graphics, we see the doc run a "simulation" of an intruder cell attacking and copying a dog cell. Notwithstanding my suspicion that Blair is holding out on Mac and playing some unconventional mod of <i>Asteroids</i>, Wilford Brimley is absolutely riveting in this scene.<br />
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His computer then spells out something that I suspect he already knows: that there’s a 75% chance that one of the team members has already been infected. Worse still, we're told that, the entire world population will be infected within 27,000 hours of first contact if even so much as a single intruder organism reaches a civilized areas. After reading this, Blair calmly opens his desk drawer and takes out a revolver, clearly resolved to do take some extreme, but likely necessary, action.<br />
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Continuing my subconscious goal of gnawing my fingernails down to the quick, I watched as Bennings and Windows moved the remains of the morphed dogs into a store room.<br />
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"Talk about drawing the short straw!" I muttered to myself. "I wouldn’t touch those fucking things with a 10-foot pole!"<br />
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The paranoia, exhaustion, and tension continues to build among the men, as Fuchs corners MacReady and whispers a request for a private meeting. Clearly Windows and Bennings pick up on this, giving the two some stink-eye.<br />
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Windows can't resist taking one last peek at the twisted face under the sheet. As he covers it back up and turns away, the blanketed form starts shifting around in place. Then, as if that wasn't scary enough, Carpenter gives us a low angle and we see a narsty fountain of goo running off the table and onto the floor. Of course, that's when Windows says "sionara!", leaving Bennings to the niceties of what I could only imagine was a nicely-congealing, ten foot tall slime monster.<br />
<br />
During their secret <i>tete-a-tete, </i>Fuchs tells a clearly-bored MacReady that Blair is concealing information from them and then drops the bombshell that the organic samples aren’t technically dead. <i>Wheeee!!!</i> That's when we cut back to Windows checking in on Bennings who, <b>*surprise! surprise!*</b> is nowhere to be seen. After finding a pile of bloody, ripped clothing, not unlike what Nauls found earlier, Windows gets a glimpse of something distinctly repellent in the corner.<br />
<br />
Seeing that half-naked, blood-and-slime-covered, <i>hentai</i> perversion of Bennings immediately sent chills down my spine. But I didn't have time to dwell on it, as Windows wisely ran out to Mac and Fuchs and the three of them rushed back into the room. Naturally, the Benningsthing has already skedaddled, and, for a moment, I thought that Carpenter was gonna pull a classic <i>Scooby Doo</i> moment.<br />
<br />
"<i>Suuuure</i>, you saw Bennings turning into the thing, Windows! I think you need to lay off on whatever Palmer's been selling to you, brotha!"<br />
<br />
Fortunately we're spared this cliche when they spot Bennings run-staggering away from the storehouse. They give chase and pretty soon, everyone on the base has surrounded their irrevocably-altered colleague. By now the creature has turned itself into a near-perfect duplicate of Bennings, save for the hands, which are these surreal, elongated, skeletal and skinless mockeries.<br />
<br />
In a haunting moment that recalls the finale of 1978's <i>Invasion of the Body Snatchers</i>, the creature balefully looks at his former friends and makes a noise that I immediately add to my audio book of nightmare fuel. When confronted with this hellish aberration, MacReady does what every self-respecting man would do: kick over a fuel drum and then light the fucker on fire.<br />
<br />
My gleeful chant of "Yeah! Burn, bitch, burn!" was tempered somewhat by the next scene where a clearly-traumatized Garry tells Mac: "I know Bennings! I've known him for ten years. He's my friend!" Donald Moffat's performance here is heart-breaking, embodying a wide range of fear and helplessness. This is made all the more tragic by MacReady's cold retort: "We gotta burn the rest of him."<br />
<br />
In a moment that even my teen-aged brain recognized as a classic example of "too little, too late", I watched as Mac and company gathered up and torched all of the bio-samples and then plowed them over. As the last one to leave the scene, Mac catches a glimpse of someone leaving the helicopter, which is parked in the distance. When he investigates, he discovers that the chopper's instrumentation panel has been turned into a mechanical version of what The Thing does to a human body.<br />
<br />
I didn't have long to ponder <i>The Mystery of the Disemboweled Chopper</i> for very long. A gunshot rang out, signalling the start of THE GREAT WILFORD BRIMLEY FREAK OUT SCENE. To all those Millennials out there who think that Wilfred Brimley is nothing more than a "diabeatus" meme, just watch this glorious sequence and tell me that he doesn't serve up some of the juiciest line deliveries in cinema history. In my opinion, this is one of the actor's career highlights.<br />
<br />
When Mac arrives at the communication room, it's pure bedlam. A dazed Windows is cowering in the corner, bleeding from a nasty head wound. Blair has gone completely apeshit, "axe"-ing every sensitive piece of equipment in the room a question. All the while he's delivering lines like "It wanted to be US!" and "I’LL KILL EWE!!!" like an octogenarian prospector strung out on bath salts. His rage, fear and conviction are all 100% real to me.<br />
<br />
After Mac's famous "card table gambit", they overcome Blair and lock him up in the tool shed. Even slightly concussed and borderline nuts, Brimley wasn't done dropping some science on me yet. When Blair tells Mac that he "doesn't know who to trust anymore", Kurt Russell replies "I know what you mean, Blair" in such a weird, stilted tone. This line delivery was so odd that I seriously though that Mac was a "thing." It's as if deliberately trying to antagonize Blair, patronize him or make him even more paranoid.<br />
<br />
Regardless, before Mac leaves the shelter, Blair tells him to "watch Clark and watch him close, you hear me?" Even back then I didn't give much credence to this warning since, in the prior scene, Clark is shown mourning the remaining dogs that Blair has deliberately put down and that didn't feel very "thing"-esque to me.<br />
<br />
Just as rattled as the characters were at this stage, I watched as Gary, Copper, Childs, Fuchs and Mac had an impromptu strategy session out in the snow. After Copper proposed a blood test, this immediately led to another horrifying discovery: the untainted whole blood storage unit has been opened and destroyed.<br />
<br />
Naturally, this ramped the ol' "Mistrust-O-Meter" up to "11", and pretty soon the accusations are flying like spitballs. Since Copper is the only one with access to the fridge and Garry has the only key, the spotlight is immediately on them. They don't do a very good job defending themselves, with Garry looking decidedly twitchy and sweaty and Richard Dysart's Copper offering up one of the most idiosyncratic line deliveries along with the kind of look that the Dramatic Gopher would consider overblown.<br />
<br />
Just as they're about to come to blows, someone notices that Windows has dashed off. They catch up to him just as he smashed open a rifle cabinet. Garry shows up first, pointing his revolver right at the radio operator's head. Mercifully, Mac arrives on the scene and talks them down. At this stage, Garry's nerves are clearly about as shot as mine, so he resigns as the base commander so Mac takes charge, under a withering storm of suspicious looks and silent protests.<br />
<br />
After burning the blood samples, MacReady gives one of his best soliloquies:<br />
<br />
<i>"I know I'm human. And if you were all these things, then you'd just attack me right now, so some of you are still human. This thing doesn't want to show itself, it wants to hide inside an imitation. It'll fight if it has to, but it's vulnerable out in the open. If it takes us over, then it has no more enemies, nobody left to kill it. And then it's won."</i><br />
<br />
After isolating prime suspects Copper, Garry and Clark he orders Norris and Childs to tie them up in the rec room, shoot them up with morphine and watch them like a hawk. Kurt Russell then delivers an amazing solo performance, basically doing what amounts to a "captain's log" entry into a tape recorder. The level of exhaustion, weariness and resignation in his voice is just palpable. If there was any doubt that Mac wasn't our avatar in the film, it's dispensed with in this one scene.<br />
<br />
At this point, the power inexplicably goes out, giving Carpenter another opportunity to show why he's a master of suspense. We see Fuchs in his lab light a candle and investigate a strange noise. As he creeps through the darkness, a dark figure suddenly whips past the foreground, accompanied by a jolting musical sting. Watching this for the first time as a kid, I nearly hit the roof. Normally, I hate jump scares but, when they're earned, they can be pretty awesome.<br />
<br />
Fuchs follows the mysterious figure outdoors and stumbles across a fire pit which contains MacReady’s torn and charred overalls. With that, my disorientation got kicked up another notch. I think that's why the movie is so effective and continues to be potent to this very day. Screenwriter Bill Lancaster, son of the famous actor Burt Lancaster, doesn't bother to fill in every blank. When things start falling apart, he plants plenty red herrings and false leads to throw the viewer off-kilter.<br />
<br />
Before Nauls can share this interesting piece of trivia with the group, we see that Mac's simplest orders are getting blow-back. When he tells Palmer and Windows to team up to search for Fuchs, the mechanic will have nothing of it, leading to a nasty confrontation which Mac is forced to de-escalate.<br />
<br />
With a nasty storm bearing down on the camp, MacReady leads a group out to the tool shed to check on Blair. Once again, Dean Cundey lights this night-time scene perfectly and the use of color tones is extraordinary. In a lesser film, this whole sequence could have been a murky mess, but here it not only pops, it makes the viewer feel palpably chilled.<br />
<br />
The visit to Blair is another surreal moment. Mac ask the scientist if he’s seen Fuchs but the Doc ignores the question, saying "l'm not gonna harm anybody and there's nothing wrong with me.<br />
And if there was, l'm all better now. l'd like to come back inside.You got my promise."<br />
<br />
When I was watching this for the first time, my young, over-clocked brain was thinking 'Um, okay, he sounds pretty sincere, but there's just something not right here.' The next time I watched the film I finally noticed THE FUCKING NOOSE HANGING IN THE FOREGROUND. Yeah, that kinda undercuts your "I'm all better now" claim there, Blair, ol' boy. I dunno, maybe he had it there as a precaution, just in case something slimy came to the door, looking for donations on a cellular level.<br />
<br />
On the way back from the tool shed, Nauls spots a charred body just lying in the middle of the camp. They rush over and find the remains of Fuchs, his glasses still sitting next to the impromptu crematorium.<br />
<br />
"Maybe he burned himself, before it could get to him!" MacReady speculates.<br />
<br />
Ultimately, the circumstances surrounding the scientists's fate is undetermined. By all accounts, Fuchs had a lot more to do in earlier drafts of the screenplay, so I'm not sure if his role was truncated just for the sake of time. Whatever the reason, it feels like yet another deliberately planted mystery designed to further disorient and obfuscate the viewer. Speaking off, on the way back inside, MacReady notices that the lights in a shack are inexplicably back on so he leads Nauls up there while Windows heads back to report their findings to the group.<br />
<br />
After another fade out and in, we're told that 45 minutes have clocked by with Mac and Nauls failing to return. With the weather getting worse by the second, Childs gives the order to start boarding up the outside doors. From his vantage point, Norris looks out the window and spots someone stumbling back towards the door. He also exhibits clear signs of a bum ticker, which, in my mind, instantly exonerated him from B.E.M. (bug-eyed monster) status.<br />
<br />
Under protest, Palmer lets the prodigal son back in and its revealed to be Nauls. Breathlessly, the cook reveals that he found MacReady's torn-up jumpsuit up by his cabin, so he decided to "cut him loose" from their mutual tether and hoof it back to the base. That's when John Carpenter's camera zoomed in on a nearby door handle as it twists and turns, revealing that something wants in real bad. At the time, it also caused my teenaged heart to seize up in my chest.<br />
<br />
Childs is adamant about keeping the door sealed but the debate is cut short when the sound of shattering glass can be heard coming from the store-room. The chief mechanic runs over and starts hacking the door down with an ax, intent on murdering the intruder. As soon as the door is breached, Childs stops in his tracks, as a ghostly-looking, frost-bitten MacReady is shown holding a stick of dynamite next to the idling spout of his flame thrower.<br />
<br />
Nauls and Norris try to sneak up behind Mac and tackle him, but he fights them off. Norris falls back into a shelf and actor Charles Hallahan exhibits some pretty convincing symptoms of a legitimate heart attack, which I found disturbing in its own right.<br />
<br />
While MacReady holds his accusers at bay, Copper tries to revive the ailing Norris using a defibrillator. Dysart has another great moment here, uttering a subtle little whimper when his first attempt to revive Norris fails. Seconds later we find out why the geologist wasn't responding normally, leading to one of the best set-pieces in the entire film.<br />
<br />
As Copper comes down with the paddles for a second time, Norris's chest pops open like a bear trap. I distinctly remember watching this as a kid and physically recoiling away from the screen. Well, as you might expect, this impromptu, shark-like maw clamps down on Copper's forearms, biting them clean off.<br />
<br />
The sequence is sold perfectly by a combination of Dysart's bloodcurdling scream and a tricksy illusion designed by special effects whiz kid Rob Bottin. Bottin brought in an actor with missing limbs, gave him fake forearms, and triggered the creatures "jaws" to chomp 'em clean off. As if that wasn't convincing enough, he made cast out of Dysart's face, crafted a lookalike mask and then put it on the amputee for the long shots!<br />
<br />
Viewing this for the first time, I had no clue how it was done. I just knew that it looked 100% real. This prompted another pause in the film and the sort of silent affirmation that only an aspiring gore hound would say.<br />
<br />
'Awrite, suck it up,' I said to myself. 'It's not real. Remember <i>Dawn of the Dead</i>? That was gory and you made it through. Get back in there, buttercup!'<br />
<br />
As I pressed "PLAY" on the VCR remote, I'd soon be forced to realize that Carpenter wasn't gonna let me off the hook quite so easily.<br />
<br />
Watching through partially-obscured vision, I saw the now-limbless Copper fall back from his "patient" who's chest cavity promptly exploded in an Old Faithful-style geyser of writhing tentacles and splattering gore. I sat there, dumbfounded, as the same ghastly image in my horror book manifested itself right before my unblinking eyes. Have you ever gone to one of those spook houses or haunted corn mazes and just frozen up like a deer in headlights when something truly terrifying pops up from outta nowhere? Yeah, that was me watching this scene. I was literally too traumatized to look away.<br />
<br />
I audibly exclaimed "OH THANK JESUS!" when MacReady torched the slimy McNasty with a gout of fire from his flamethrower. We then cut away to a (way too) close-up on the operating table to see "Norris" twisting and writhing as he burns to death. <i>But that's when something ten times worse started to happen. </i>His head, his fucking HEAD, started to twist back and forth and shimmy across the table. The neck, now stretched to the breaking point, began to split off the body and rupture, revealing a nasty, green-and yellow, fibrous tangle of goop-filled veins inside.<br />
<br />
When I watch the scene now, I'm amused by how close actor Kurt Russell is is holding the prop dynamite to the burning tip of the flamethrower. But back then felt like the narrator in an H.P. Lovecraft story, feeling my sanity ebb away a little bit as Norris's decapitated head gently touched down onto the floor via its gory bungee cord.<br />
<br />
Then an impossibly-long tongue suddenly lashed out of the mouth, attaching itself to a nearby desk.<br />
The head then used this impromptu tether to drag itself to safety, making a really creepy, otherworldly sound all the while. As the others rushed in to extinguish the blaze, I watched the rogue noggin' sprout six spider-like legs and two antennae-style eye stalks, peek out from underneath the desk and then skitter away like a giant cockroach. That's when I actually started chuckling to myself like a certifiable madman.<br />
<br />
Carpenter must have suspected that this scene was so extreme that laughter would be the only defense against it. Moments later, MacReady and company slow turn around to see the spider-head gamely trying to make a break for it, prompting Palmer to utter the deathless line: "You gotta be fucking kidding me!" Thankfully, Mac roasts the abomination before it can make good its escape.<br />
<br />
After witnessing this autonomy of body parts displayed in the previous scene, Mac comes to the realization that every single cell in the creature is its own individual organism. This inspires his theory that any tissue, even blood, will instinctively recoil away from harm if its threatened.<br />
<br />
He starts barking orders at Clark, giving Richard Nasser a chance to deliver some truly patronizing line deliveries. Across the room. Keith David's Childs is cold as ice, practically daring Mac to kill him. He only backs down when Mac cocks the revolver and aims it point blank at his face. Clark then takes this moment of distraction to rush at Mac with a scalpel, but the chopper pilot whirls around and shoots his assailant right in the forehead.<br />
<br />
Side note: since I'd only seen my first movie head shot at age 12 in <i>Raiders of the Lost Ark</i>, I was still pretty squeamish when it came to cinematic violence. So, as you can imagine, my inaugural viewing of <i>The Thing</i> was like the horror movie equivalent of taking someone who can't swim up in a helicopter, flying over the middle of a lake and then pushing them out the door.<br />
<br />
Taking no chances, Mac ordered Palmer to lash Clark and Copper's bodies to the table and then got Windows to tie everyone else down. He then collected a blood sample from everyone, scraped the plastic coating off some copper wire, and then heated this up in the barrel of the flamethrower.<br />
<br />
Thanks to John Carpenter's crackerjack direction and excellent editing by Todd Ramsay, what follows is one of the most tense and nail-biting sequences in cinema history. As Mac prepares his <i>ad hoc </i>test, we have no sweet clue who’s human and who’s a thing, <i>even the characters themselves</i>. Witness palpable look of relief on Thomas Waites's face when Mac dips the hot wire into his blood sample without any effect.<br />
<br />
Carpenter then proceeds to serve up one tense "PSYCHE!" after another, to the point where even I started to doubt our protagonist's sanity.<br />
<br />
"This is a crock of shit," Childs mutters, mirroring my own thoughts.<br />
<br />
Just before the innocent Clark and Copper are are both cleared, Garry echoes the sentiment of Childs, declaring that "This is pure nonsense. lt doesn't prove a thing!" to which Mac retorts: "l thought you'd<br />
feel that way, Garry. You were the only one that could have gotten to that blood. We'll do you last."<br />
<br />
Just as Mac dips the hot wire into Palmer's blood sample, the contents of the dish suddenly lurches up, making an audible screech, not the xenomorph's scream in <i>Alien</i>. Stunned, Mac reflexively drops the sample and backs away. After the blood spatters to the floor it seems to rally, oozing away like a mini version of The Blob whacked out on Jolt cola.<br />
<br />
The next few scenes hit me like multiple blows to the head with a railroad tie. Carpenter gives us a master shot of Palmer convulsing, his face expressionless and dead-eyed. Before he's replaced on screen by a Rob Bottin nightmare creature, David Clennon gives a chillingly-effective performance that literally had me wincing at the screen. Especially when Nauls, Garry and Childs, tied up next to Palmer, start screaming for their lives and desperately rail against their bonds. Idly, I couldn't help but think back to the poor dogs in the first transformation scene.<br />
<br />
The following sequence is both a cinematic ballet of absolute chaos and a surreal blending of alien and human flesh. Via some powerhouse editing, Palmer starts to morph into another one of Rob Bottin's monstrosities, turning into a bloody, hyperactive scarecrow of amorphous flesh and flailing, overextended fingers. At one point, Palmer's distended skull splits open, a tongue lashes out, grabs poor hapless Windows by the throat and then pulls his head into its own trap-jaw noggin.<br />
<br />
Carpenter then makes a strange choice, opting to shoot just the feet of the two men standing uncomfortably close to one another as their bodies start to meld into one. This was disturbing enough as some sort of psycho-sexual nightmare. With the Palmer-thing now merging with Windows at the hands and head, the radio operator's body starts flinging around the room like a ragdoll. All the while there’s blood and gore raining down all over the room, to the point where the greatest danger to the Palmer-thing is a nasty slip n' fall accident.<br />
<br />
Eventually what's left of Windows flings off across the room and strikes a wall. Mac finally gets his flamethrower operational and torches the Palmer-thing. As it's incinerated, the creature makes a truly dreadful wailing sound, it's fractured, fang-filled head opening and closing like a giant Venus flytrap. Desperate to escape, the walking nightmare bursts through the wall and tries flee into the darkness. Mac pursues it doggedly, finally using his dynamite to blows it to smithereens.<br />
<br />
Apparently this all left Mac just as stunned as I was, because it took him several beats to register the screams for help coming from within. He goes back inside and flames Windows, who's already starting to turn from his contact with Palmer. The brief moment of peace that followed was immediately shattered when both Nauls and then Childs start freaking out because they're still tied up with Garry, whom they're convinced is a thing. But, in a plot twist, the former base commander turns out is human as well, giving him an opportunity to deliver one of the best lines in the movie:<br />
<br />
<i>"I know you gentlemen I’ve been through a lot but when you find the time I’d rather not spend the rest of this winter TIED TO THIS FUCKING COUCH!!!</i>"<br />
<br />
When we fade back in, we see Childs staring at the window. Mac appears and tells him that they're going out to give Blair the test, adding: "if he tries to make it back and we're not with him, burn him." Well, to no-one's surprise, the tool shed's door has been opened from the outside and the famous oatmeal salesman is no-where to be seen.<br />
<br />
Mac, Garry and Nauls discover that Blair has pulled up the floorboards and tunneled underneath the shed. In this movie about a shape-shifting alien creature, it's the only moment that stretches credibility and had me snorting in disbelief. Look, I can buy the fact that he dug a tunnel, especially if he's a "thing" now, but where the hell did he put all of that excess ice and snow?<br />
<br />
The perfectly-sculpted, Hoth / Echo-base style ice corridor leads to which appears to be a makeshift workshop. Even as a kid, this scene was so patently unbelievable that I really couldn't wrap my brain around it. Clearly this scene is trying to tell us that the Blairthing has been stealing equipment parts from all over the camp to craft a miniature version of his flying saucer, but it comes across as pretty ludicrous. When did he get the time to do all of this?!?<br />
<br />
Say what you want about this unlikely plot development, but you can't slight the bravura film-making that follows. Carpenter follows this up with a moody series of establishing shots, accompanied by the director's very own heartbeat-like electronic score. The camera slinks around the base, as if doing an impression of something that traumatized us in a previous scene. It really amps up the viewer's feelings of cold, desolate isolation.<br />
<br />
While coming back from Blair's flipped tool shed, Nauls spots a figure what he thinks was Childs leaving the base, running out after something. <i>Aaaand</i> that’s when the power cuts out.<br />
<br />
Mac posits that the thing has willfully knocked out the generator. After Garry writes this off as "suicide", Mac reminds him that the thing's best strategy now is to plunge the entire base into a deep freeze. Not only will this kill its human opponents, it'll give the creature a perfect opportunity go back into hibernation and wait for an unwitting new rescue team to come across it.<br />
<br />
"Maybe we'll just warm things up a little around here," Russell growled in his distinctively bass-ass sorta way. "We're not gettin' outta here alive...but neither is that thing."<br />
<br />
Our three remaining heroes use their remaining explosives to blow us Blair's Etsy project as well as every single other building on the base. As they moved into the generator room, an exchange between Mac and Garry really drove home just how fucked these guys really were.<br />
<br />
Garry: "Generator's gone."<br />
MacReady: "Any way we can fix it?"<br />
Garry: "lt's <i>gone</i>, MacReady."<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
And this is where the film kinda stumbles into tropes a little bit. Mac idiotically tells Nauls and Garry to split up and set their charges all over hell and creation. Yes, I know every single horror movie does the whole "let's split up to cover more ground" bullshit, including <i>Alien</i>, but that's still don't make it any easier, youknowhutimean?<br />
<br />
As Garry inched his way deeper into the bowels of the complex, his flashlight suddenly started to konk out. <i>Natch</i>. Back then I wasn't familiar with the set-up for every single horror movie scare, so when Garry fixed his illumination issue, turned around and then ran face-and-eyes into a ninja-like Blair, I just about shit a Trump wall worth of bricks.<br />
<br />
This shock to the system was a quick reminder that Carpenter wasn't finished with me quite yet. Taking advantage of Garry's surprise, Blair clamped his ham-hock onto his former friend's face and then pushed him out of frame. I then watched in abject horror as Blair's fingers started to worm their way underneath the flesh his quarry's face. This led to the ghoulish sight of Blair dragging Garry's corpse away, his hand completely molded into the base commander's mush like a trailer hitch designed by David Cronenberg.<br />
<br />
After Nauls just kinda fucks off, Mac notices the conspicuous absence of his peeps. He sets the remaining charge, sensing that something is lurking nearby. Then, after Carpenter builds an unbearable amount of tension by lingering on a static shot of the corridor for what feels like an eternity, the floorboards start to explode upward. Knowing that something big and ugly is headed right towards him, Mac leaps out of the way, losing his last stick of dynamite in the process. A storm of tentacles breaks through the earth, pulling the detonator back inside.<br />
<br />
That's when the creatures bursts up through the hole and, let me tell ya kids, it's a doozy.<br />
<br />
The Thing's final form is a massive, twisted-looking beastie with Blair's head on one side and a massive maw filled with sacrificial dagger-sized fangs on the other. The body itself is random patchwork of raw-looking human and canine limbs, bloody flesh and tentacles of various sizes and shapes. As it roars like a fucking <i>kaiju</i>, special effects lunatic Rob Bottin pushes an aborted-looking dog shape out of its flank, causing my stomach to do back-flips.<br />
<br />
Mac, ever the hero, comes to his senses long before I would. He dives for the still-lit dynamite, picks it up, utters a pithy "Yeah, well, fuck you too!" and hurls it at the creature, blowing it to smithereens. A horrible screech, possibly human as well as alien, is heard amidst a chain reaction series of explosions, culminating in an impressive non-nuclear mushroom cloud.<br />
<br />
"Whelp, they're all dead!" I cheerily said out loud to myself.<br />
<br />
To my legitimate surprise, Mac is shown stumbling through the ruins, bundled up in a blanket and clutching a bottle of his precious J&B. He might have survived the explosion but he has the bearings of a dead man walking. He and I both know that, when the fires burn out, the base will plummet to sub-zero temperatures and his demise is inevitable.<br />
<br />
As Mac settles into the nearest snowbank, Childs appears from out of nowhere. At first Mac is startled, but he quickly resigns himself to whatever might come next. The final exchange between these two is appropriately chilling, the perfect capper to a nigh-perfect film:<br />
<br />
Childs: "How will we make it?"<br />
MacReady: "Maybe we shouldn't."<br />
Childs: "lf you're worried about me..."<br />
MacReady: "lf we've got any surprises for each other, l don't think we're in much shape to do anything about it."<br />
(after a pause)<br />
Childs: "Well... what do we do?"<br />
MacReady: "Why don't we just...wait here for a little while. See what happens."<br />
Childs: "Yeah."<br />
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***</div>
<br />
As the credit rolled I sat there, praising myself for getting through another rewarding, but clearly harrowing, fright film. Just like every other heavyweight horror flick I'd watched prior, John Carpenter's <i>The Thing</i> had subjected me to a unique and unexpected experience.<br />
<br />
Gone was the implied violence and subtlety of Carpenter's tense but understated <i>Halloween</i>. Like <i>Dawn of the Dead</i>, this was a balls-to-the-wall <i>gorror</i> movie, but stripped of any sly, coal-black humor to soften the blow of the nasty bits. Indeed, watching <i>The Thing</i> was my graduate thesis. I'd evolved from a terror tenderfoot to someone who could deal with pretty much anything a director could throw my way.<br />
<br />
In the intervening years, I've seen a lot of horror movies that have also creeped me out or disturbed me. But, after ten awesome years, I can finally end this series, knowing that I've given due praise to the movies that have made me an ardent fan of cinema as an art for and horror in particular. These movie taught me that, regardless of the genre, movies can't be a passive experience. They're meant to make to laugh, to think, to dream and to scream.<br />
<br />
So, Dearest Reader, if you take anything from this series, let it be this: don't tolerate "entertainment" that's content to be nothing more than a passive product. Seek out the works of eccentrics, madmen and crazy people, knowing that when you've absorbed their works, thing-like, you'll emerge on the other side a more resilient, thoughtful, wise and interesting person. <br />
<br />
Happy Halloween and thanks for reading!<br />
<br />
EPIC DOC:<br />
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PREQUEL FAIL: Speaking of valueless non-threatening "<a href="https://rantandroarentertainmentreviews.blogspot.com/2014/05/the-thing-2011-movie-review-by-david.html">product</a>." </div>
David Prettyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11223458627724051713noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1660706916750956362.post-423480395536247392019-10-11T16:40:00.002-04:002019-10-14T17:28:45.465-04:00"Vote Smart! VOTE S-MART!"Hey, folks!<br />
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The ol' Eee Cee Dee is back...just in time for the next Federal Election on Monday, October the 21'st!<br />
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In this short-n'-sweet entry I'm gonna reveal why I'm voting with my head and not my heart...<i>but you might not have to!</i><br />
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This post, in part, is inspired by all of those lovely folks on Bookface who are shitting on Justin Trudeau without acknowledging the existence of Andrew Scheer. This is likely because they don't want to publicly admit that they're gonna vote for a soulless, Ayn Randian, Objectivist, socially regressive, corporate thimbot who’s entire political career is more U.S. Republican and less PROGRESSIVE Conservative.<br />
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For me, every word and deed from Scheer and his ilk just drives home the fact that they're all just a bunch of Alliance and Reform scumbags with the serial numbers filed off.<br />
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As someone who's actually voted <i>Progressive </i>Conservative in the (distant) past, I can't vote for this current incarnation of the Conservative Party in good conscience because they go against my personal definition of what it means to be Canadian. And as much as Justin Trudeau has screwed up and disappointed me, my memory of <a href="https://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.com/2015/09/reasons-to-vote-strategic-abc-on.html">Stephen Harper</a> is still <i>waaaaay</i> too fresh to ever vote for another ethically bankrupt Conservative creep.<br />
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This post is also inspired, in part, by all of the sweet, naive, idealistic young people out there who are all like "Fuck the status quo! I'm voting for the Flying Yogic Party!"<br />
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Hey, don't laugh, kids! That last one <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Natural_Law_Party_of_Canada">used to exist</a>. In fact, I actually voted for them one year on a lark.<br />
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Look, your optimism is all well and good. Trust me, I'd like nothing more than to vote for Elizabeth May's Greens. But, since Justin Trudeau fucked all of us by reneging on his election reform campaign promises in a blatant act of self-preservation, I still can't vote with my heart. <i>But you might be able to.</i><br />
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So, how can I determine this, you ask? Well, just follow these two easy steps:<br />
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(1) Follow this <a href="https://www.elections.ca/Scripts/vis/FindED?L=e&QID=-1&PAGEID=20">link</a> and plug in you postal code to determine your electoral district. For example, I just confirmed that I'm in the Halifax-West riding.<br />
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(2) Look up the your riding's Wikipedia page and scroll all the way down to the "Election Results" header. It's here that you'll see the voter history of your area.<br />
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To follow through on my example, my riding has voted Liberal in the past four elections. <i>Great</i>. Unfortunately, the runner up has been whatever white-bread Miracle Whip sandwich the Conservative Party has decided to proffer up on my doorstep.<br />
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Now, if things had continued to trend like it did back in 2008, when the Liberals were first and the NDP was second, I would merrily vote NDP or Green with a song in my heart. But because the Conservatives are the historic second place finishers in my 'hood, I'm gonna hafta vote Liberal in the next election.<br />
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I can hear people already kicking back against this, but, sorry...<i>hate the game, not the player</i>. Honestly, until we get rid of this antiquated "<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/First-past-the-post_voting">first past the post</a>" bullshit and evolve to a more progressive and fair <a href="https://www.fairvote.ca/proportional-representation/">proportional representation</a> process, there's absolutely nothing you can say or do to convince me to vote otherwise.<br />
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I also have a memory that goes back more than four months. I remember back in <i>two-thousand-ought-ought</i> when hordes of crusty, old Conservative a-holes came out in droves to vote for their single option while progressives pissed away their votes between the Liberals, NDP and Greens. The result? While the majority of folks voted for a change in government, our screwed-up political system handed Harper's Conservatives the full reigns of power with only 39% of public support.<br />
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Sorry, but if I have to limit my options in order to prevent a blatantly-reptilian, Parseltongued choad like Andrew Scheer from becoming our Prime Minister, I'll game this shit outta this crooked system until the flying yogic cows come home.<br />
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<b><u>EPIC</u></b>: This isn't just an issue here in Canada. Seriously, it's time to shift the status quo.<br />
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<b style="text-decoration-line: underline;"><u>EPIC "SEPARATED FROM THE NEST AT BIRTH" MEME</u></b>:<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-IXMNt-dJM4E/XaDjT7Ou8hI/AAAAAAAAUa4/mTKBePTxqmU74A-izAe2mRtpCRjx5RXkgCEwYBhgL/s1600/Scheer%2BKaa.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="960" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-IXMNt-dJM4E/XaDjT7Ou8hI/AAAAAAAAUa4/mTKBePTxqmU74A-izAe2mRtpCRjx5RXkgCEwYBhgL/s320/Scheer%2BKaa.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b><u>FAIL</u></b>: Just because we've had something forever, it doesn't mean <a href="https://www.princegeorgecitizen.com/opinion/letters/first-past-the-post-not-democratic-1.23429421">that it's good</a>.David Prettyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11223458627724051713noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1660706916750956362.post-77811121538193629742018-10-23T13:54:00.000-04:002018-10-29T10:55:51.846-04:00Obligatory Halloween Post Has Risen From The Grave<div style="text-align: center;">
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Beast Witches to Boo on Halloween!</div>
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So, here we are yet again, scare addicts! It's that time of year when I talk about a movie that took a sizable chunk outta my sanity as an impressionable yoot!<br />
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In past chapters I've talked about some of the scariest fright flicks ever made, including <i><a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.com/2011/10/return-of-obligatory-halloween-post.html">An American Werewolf in London</a>,</i> <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.com/2012/10/revenge-of-obligatory-halloween-post.html"><i>The Exorcist</i></a>, <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.com/2013/10/son-of-obligatory-halloween-post.html"><i>The Texas Chainsaw Massacre</i></a>, <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.com/2014/10/obligatory-halloween-post-walks-among-us.html"><i>Alien</i></a>, <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.com/2015/10/curse-of-obligatory-halloween-post.html"><i>The Return of the Living Dead</i></a>, <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.com/2016/10/bride-of-obligatory-halloween-post.html"><i>The Evil Dead</i></a> and <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.com/2017/10/obligatory-halloween-postmustbedestroyed.html"><i>The Shining</i>.</a><br />
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I'm not sure how old I was when I first saw this year's entry, but I learned of its existence when my parents inexplicably let my buy <i>The Encyclopedia of Horror</i> edited by Richard Davis back in 1981.</div>
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At the tender age of 11, I certainly wasn't prepared for the gruesome image I saw on page 139:</div>
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A distinct look of revulsion played over my face as I read that the still was from a movie that <i>"showed in macabre detail what happened when zombies overran New York."</i></div>
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I can already hear the hard-core horror hounds out there screaming "What?!? New York?!? It happens in Pennsylvania, you dumb-ass!"</div>
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But back then I didn't know any better. I took the writer at face value as he went on to add: <i>"Most of the action takes place in a large supermarket (?) which becomes awash with blood."</i></div>
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I was officially intrigued. As I read through the book I encountered more details on page 149:</div>
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<i>"Mr. Romero now has color, and blood is gorier in color. Mr. Romero has never been one to eschew physical grue. Characters have the tops of their heads blown off in graphic closeup. Bolstered by larger budgets, Mr. Romero doesn't always resist the temptation to indulge himself, and is danger of overstatement as far as his moral message is concerned." </i> </div>
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The intensity of the movie was further bolstered by the following lurid image on page 153:</div>
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The pic was captioned thusly:</div>
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<i>"In the 1970's, horror movies, with their surfeit of blood and special effects, were becoming almost too gruesome and frightening for the average horror fan." </i></div>
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Yeah, no shit, Rich.</div>
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Prior to reading this book and seeing these images, the most graphic violence I'd seen in a film was likely <i>Raiders of the Lost Ark</i>. It would still be a year or so before I'd see "Mr. Romero's" notorious first feature film, a nasty little piece of celluloid which I've already talked about <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.com/2010/10/obligatory-halloween-post.html">here</a> and <a href="http://entertainmenttourettes.blogspot.com/2012/10/halloween-short-cut-7-night-of-living.html">here</a>.</div>
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In fact, the experience of seeing that particular magnum opus traumatized me so badly that I swore off Romero movies for at least two or three decades. I honestly didn't want to subject my embryonic wits to any more of this madman's nightmare fuel. But every subsequent horror book I collected talked about this nasty sequel in hushed tones, as if daring me to watch it.</div>
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Here's what Tom Hutchinson had to say about it in <i>Horrors: A History of Horror Movies </i>two years later:</div>
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<i>"Most of the later part of the action takes place in a huge shopping mall to which the zombies come. 'They gravitate to places that have meant a lot to them when they were living,' says one of the characters in the most overt statement yet about such a consuming and consumed society, although the sight of redneck farmers out on a zombie-shoot is a fairly obvious comment on our sporting lives."</i></div>
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And whereas its predecessor was in black-and-white, this sequel was in color, which meant <i>"the gore was more realistically effective in the way it looked on screen. So heads explode in wincing close-up, because that is still the only way to eradicate the zombie plague, as once again a small group of people flees the rotting wrath to come. The plague analogy is very relevant for, besides being cannibalistic, the zombies pass on their contagion to whomever they bite, so that a man on the run dies of the bite and is then revived as one of the living dead."</i> </div>
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By this time I'd seen Romero's debut film and knew I wasn't even vaguely ready to watch it's gorier color sequel. Especially based on what I read and saw in Nigel Andrew's book <i>Horror Movies. </i></div>
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This book featured another stomach-turning still from the movie:</div>
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Now, it's one thing to screw up the courage to watch a movie that's scary but its a completely different bag o' rats to stare down the barrel of what my increasingly-frantic horror library was calling one of the goriest films ever made.</div>
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But eventually my horror movie apprenticeship hardened my stomach to the point where I thought I could tackle this one. So I took a trip down to my local video store, rented the town's single threadbare copy and followed my usual masochistic ritual. I turned off all the lights and crawled up on the couch. Given the film's reputation for vomitorial visceralism, I eschewed the snacks that I normally set aside for movie time. </div>
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Despite my precautions, I had no idea at the time that nothing can prepare you for your first viewing of...</div>
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<b><u><span style="font-size: large;">Dawn of the Dead (1978)</span></u></b></div>
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<b>***WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD***</b> </div>
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If you've never seen this classic horror movie, then what the hell are you doing?!? Go watch it first and then come back to read what this inconsequential jack-ass has to say about it!</div>
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After pressing "PLAY", I watched with dread as the movie began with a television station in turmoil. Nothing directly ties <i>Dawn</i> to its predecessor, but I like to think that this flick continues the story started in <i>Night of the Living Dead</i>...and the zombie plague has gotten a helluva lot worse. </div>
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People are shouting, papers are flying in the air and two "experts" are hotly debating the current situation, leading to one of the film's many memorable quotes:</div>
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<i>"Every dead body that is not exterminated becomes one of them. It gets up and kills! The people it kills get up and kill!"</i> </div>
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For some reason the yahoos gathered in the studio started heaping scorn upon the guy for saying this. Were they oblivious to what was going on all around them? Hadn't they seen the first film? In some weird way, this presages the current Trump-era tend of dismissing clear and present dangers like climate change as "fake news." </div>
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So Romero, sneaky bastard that he is, wasted no time sneaking in some sly social commentary. Beyond this scene parroting the growing trend towards "circus" television, I watched as Givens, the unscrupulous station manager, forced his employees to keep broadcasting a list of non-existent rescue stations. One of our protagonists, Fran, played by the delightful Gaylen Ross, kicked back against this, which led to the following exchange:</div>
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Givens: Garret, who told you to kill those supers?</div>
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Fran: Nobody. I killed 'em. They're out of date. </div>
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Givens: I want those supers on the air all the time! </div>
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Fran: Are you willing to murder people by sending them out to stations that have closed down?</div>
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Givens: Without those rescue stations on screen every minute people won't watch us. They'll tune out!</div>
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This introduced a pretty constant theme in the movie: seeking diversion and comfort from a world spinning down through through materialism and short-term gain. Realizing that all semblance of remaining order is lost, Fran agreed to escape in the station's news helicopter with her partner Stephen, a.k.a. Flyboy, played by David Emge. </div>
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We then smash-cut to a S.W.A.T. team that's poised to raid a dilapidated tenement building. At least I assumed they were S.W.A.T.; most of them looked like hippies dressed up in Halloween costumes and awkwardly toting plastic M-16's. Clearly the movie didn't have the budget nor the inclination to hire real S.W.A.T. guys or train the extras in weapon handing and police tactics. As I would quickly learn, these petty observations would soon be rendered inconsequential. </div>
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At the time I had no sweet clue what was supposed to be happening in this scene. And that's what I love about independent movies from this era. Unlike modern studio films, you're not spoon fed information and you've gotta puzzle things out for yourself.</div>
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Distracted by trauma during the introduction, I'd missed out on the reference to martial law. Apparently, things have gotten so bad that citizens were no longer able to occupy private residences and the bodies of the recently deceased had to be turned over to authorities for proper disposal. Well, the folks in this particular building weren't too keen on the idea of the cops bombing in and taking over their turf. An armed conflict ensued, giving Romero and horror movie makeup maestro Tom Savini an excuse to set off more explosive blood squibs than what was used to kill Sonny Corleone in <i>The Godfather</i>.</div>
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As someone who was still squeamish about seeing on-screen blood and graphic violence, this scene quickly caused my stomach to curdle. And when one the S.W.A.T. guys, appropriately named Wooley, suddenly veered deep into the weeds, things got much, <i>much</i> worse. </div>
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I remember thinking to myself: 'Yeah, I know society is falling apart here, but how did this sloppy, psychotic fuck pass his last psych exam? Or his fitness exam, for that matter? Sorry, but as soon as this loon racked his shotgun and started raving about how Martinez needed to show his "greasy Puerto Rican ass" so he could "blow it off", I was hoping the field commander would show up, take Mr. Electricity off to the side and ask him to "ex-nay the whole <i>Uuertopay Icanray</i> thing". Oh, and maybe encourage him to switch to decaf.</div>
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But nope, I sat there, jaw agape, as this lunatic went into rampage mode throughout the building. At one point Officer Batshit kicked down a random door, fired his shotgun, and blew the head off the poor fucker who just so happened to be standing there. </div>
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This prompted me to punch the "STOP" button on the VCR remote control, for the first of many, <i>many</i> times during the movie.</div>
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"<i>Wha-wha</i>-what the fuck was the point of that?!" I muttered to myself, reflexively putting the back of my hand up to my mouth. Clearly the years hadn't caused Romero to go soft. If they're starting with a full-on head explosion, what they hell were they gonna do next?</div>
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Tentatively I pushed the "PLAY" button again and recoiled away from the television screen. </div>
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My answer came pretty quick. I watched as a bunch of zombies got released from one of the quarantined rooms as they tried to put Old Yeller down. One of ghouls grabbed his unwitting girlfriend (?) and chomped down on her neck and then her arm. Again, Tom Savini's gut-wrenching makeup effects prompted another pause.</div>
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'I'm not gonna make it,' I thought to myself, trying to stem the rising tide of bile. As my horror books had blithely observed, the gore in <i>Night of the Living Dead</i> was repellent enough, but this time out things were in color. Lurid, realistic, stomach-churning color. </div>
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When I resumed the movie, my nausea got a brief reprieve but my nerves didn't. I was introduced to two of the S.W.A.T. team members, namely Peter (Ken Foree) and Roger (Scott Reiniger), who have an encounter with a one-legged priest who's unpretentious delivery gives added resonance to the following chilling line:</div>
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<i>"When the dead walk, señores,we must stop the killing or we lose the war."</i></div>
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Much to my complete and utter lack of delight, I got to see what this creepy and cryptic reference meant in the very next scene. As it turned out, the people in the tenement building have been stashing their dead and dying loved ones in the basement, who are then zombie-<i>ing</i> out and eating each other. <i>*HUUURRRKK*</i> Romero and Savini, the sick little monkeys that the are, document all of this in a series of devilishly-sadistic closeups.</div>
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I swore under my breath as I mistakenly hit "PAUSE" instead of the "STOP" button, inadvertently lingering on the sight of a gross, putrefying zombie gleefully munching away on a leg bone. Averting my gaze, I started mashing random buttons until the screen mercifully went black. </div>
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"Jesus Christ!" I yelled out loud, likely causing my parents in the next room to stir. "<i>What the fuck is wrong with these people?</i>" </div>
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Now, it wasn't as if I was watching this movie at an impressionable age and I couldn't tell the difference between reality and fantasy. It was just so vile, repulsive, realistic and nightmarish that it was starting to make me feel sick. After resuming the film, I managed to get to the end of the scene, feeling a palpable sense of relief every time Roger and Peter delivered another merciful head-shot to each of the rotting, cannibalistic aberrations. </div>
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Something else worth noting at this point is the film's production design, or lack thereof. <i>Dawn of the Dead</i> wasn't shot on some hermetically-sealed, pre-constructed back-lot set that was made to look grungy. Nope, Romero went out, found the gnarliest, most dilapidated, run down, filthy apartment building he could find and then just started crankin' the camera. Between the vile setting and Michael Gornick's sickly-looking cinematography, <i>Dawn of the Dead</i> actually looks like it smells bad. In fact, to paraphrase my recent review of <i><a href="http://entertainmenttourettes.blogspot.com/2018/10/movie-review-terrifier.html">Terrifier</a></i>, this movie looks like it was shot in "Smell-O-Vision" and the knob got permanently stuck on the "Devil's Anus" setting. </div>
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As it turns out, Roger and Stephen are bros, so both he and Peter go along in the chopper flight. As the foursome get a bird's eye view of the countryside, we witness the full scale of the zombie apocalypse as packs of armed rednecks and military types are shown roaming the countryside, gunning down any wandering ghouls they encounter. </div>
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Many times I've bitched about movies being tonally inconsistent, and this one is no exception. In fact, a case could be made that <i>Dawn</i> is tonally schizophrenic. After all, movie drunkenly careens from one of the most intense moments of visceral horror to a scene where roving bands of heavily-armed yahoos are wandering around, sport-shooting ghouls and enjoying an outdoor boil-up, all to the tune of "'Cause I'm A Man" by The Pretty Things. </div>
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But somehow it worked for me. Maybe its because Romero had given me just enough down time in the helicopter to get to know our main characters. Perhaps it was because a moment of levity was just what I needed after all of that extreme brutality. Maybe it was the oddly-reassuring connective tissue (pun not intended) that this sequence provided to <i>Night of the Living Dead</i>. Whatever the reason, it didn't feel completely out of place to me. </div>
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Eventually our heroes were forced to land and refuel. It was at that point when I really noticed the film's oddball musical choices. Speaking of schizophrenic, <i>Dawn of the Dead's</i> soundtrack is just as patchwork as its tone, featuring genuinely-creepy tracks by legendary Italian prog-rock band Goblin sandwiched between incongruous clips of generic stock music. The music is super-weird in the airport sequence; kinda like a bandsaw being oscillated back and forth at high speed. It really adds to the feeling of creeping doom. </div>
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As our heroes explored the abandoned airport, a deader popped out of nowhere and tackled Flyboy. At the time I chuckled to myself, thinking 'Wow, dude might be an ace pilot, but he's pretty useless when it comes to hand-to hand combat. What the dell was that whole cross-body-block thing? Honestly, that shit's funnier than the redneck cook-out scene.'</div>
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Moments of black comedy dispensed with, it was clearly time for Romero to get down to the task of scaring the shit out of me again. I watched as a cadaver started to creep up on an oblivious Roger as he re-fueled the chopper. Now, in a crappy horror movie, this would result in some big showdown between the two, but not here. Here it's all about the gag. Driven by pure instinct, the zombie climbed atop a pile of crates interposed between him and Roger, inadvertently stuck his Frankensteinian melon up into the helicopter's rotor blades and promptly got more than a little taken off the top. </div>
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Moments like this started to take the sting out of the graphic violence for me, to the point where the movie started to transition from balls-out horror to something kinda comic book-y. Having said that, not two minutes later, in one of the movie's more subversively-tasteless scenes, I watched in abject terror as Peter was forced to gun down two prepubescent ghouls who bushwhacked him in the airport office.</div>
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My nerves scarcely had a moment to recover before one of the most iconic zombies in cinema history made his debut. I squirmed in my seat as this bald rotter with the hideously decayed face and chest started silently closing in on a distracted Peter. Given his black and red plaid shirt, I idly wondered if this guy had inadvertently wandered down south from Mississauga.<br />
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As Flyboy aimed his rifle at the encroaching ghoul, I knew that he'd never owned a Daisy air rifle as a kid since he'd clearly never been exposed to even the most basic gun safety rules. His shot missed the zombie and nearly hit Peter, requiring a timely intervention from crack shot Roger.</div>
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Now refueled, our heroes quickly got airborne again. Eventually they flew over a massive parking lot and an equally-sprawling two-level complex. This led to one of the most gloriously-dated exchanges in film history:</div>
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Stephen: What the hell is it?<br />
Roger: It looks like a shopping center, one of those big, indoor malls</div>
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Even in the mid-Eighties this was a really antiquated reference. By then, consumerism was at its zenith and shopping malls were everywhere. After touching down, our heroes looked down into the parking lot where scores of zombies were aimlessly milling around. This led to the following dialogue between Stephen and Fran, which continued to hammer home the film's theme:<br />
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Fran: What are they doing? Why do they come here?<br />
Stephen: Some kind of instinct. Memory of what they used to do. This was an important place in their lives.<br />
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Fun fact: after you watch <i>Dawn of the Dead</i> you'll never look at shoppers in a mall around the Christmas season the same way again.<br />
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As the characters first ventured inside, I was really impressed by how well the movie used the mall as a location. Sometimes it felt as if Romero was shooting the flick in real time as the actors explored their surroundings. At one point the lights, animated displays and the incongruous muzak got turned on, leading to yet another funny tonal shift. I even found myself chuckling as Romero juxtaposed more over-the-top gore with scenes of zombies bumping into one another on the escalators and tumbling over the railing and into the fountain. </div>
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At this point I really took notice of the low-fi makeup job on most of the zombies. In <i>Night of the Living Dead</i>, the make-up artists had it relatively easy. Since it was in black and white, all they needed to do is slap white makeup, facial appliances and chocolate sauce on a bunch of extras and <i>*poof*</i>, instant zombies. But in <i>Dawn</i>, Savini had a much bigger challenge.<br />
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Between shooting in color, the on-set lighting, the film stock used, and the sheer number of zombies that were needed, Savini's plan to shellac the background performers in a flat grey hue kinda backfired since it ended up photographing blueish-green. But considering the film's budget and time constraints, I find it easy to suspend disbelief and just go with it.<br />
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I also noticed that the blood in the film didn't really look like blood at all. I didn't know it at the time, but the egg tempera candy apple red gore used on-set was actually mass-produced by the 3M corporation. When the dailies started to come in, Tom told George that he hated the color of the blood, but George thought it was reminiscent of the EC Comics of his childhood and they decided to just roll with it.<br />
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After Peter and Roger took off to look for supplies, I felt a rush of anger as Stephen charged after them, effectively leaving Fran to her own devices. With everyone running riot around the mall, a Hari Krishna zombie slipped into the stairwell, leading to a legitimately creepy scene where he menaces Fran. Mercifully she managed to hold the l'il undead bastard at bay long enough for the guys to get back and help her.<br />
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Wow, and you though Hari Krishna's were pushy in real life!<br />
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This brings me to actress Gaylen Ross and the character of Fran. Compared to the shell-shocked Barbra in <i>Night of the Living Dead</i>, Fran is practically Ellen <i>freakin'</i> Ripley. Sadly, she's also kinda useless at the start of the film, leaving Stephen to fend for himself during the airport attack and then retreating from the Hari Krishna zombie quicker than if it was <i>alive</i>. But the good news is, Fran does have an arc. She starts out about as valuable as a screen door on a submarine but by the end of it, she can handle herself quite well.<br />
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Nowadays you'd probably get criticized for showing a female character experience any sort of courage or competency struggle <b><i>*cough, cough*</i></b> Rey in <i>Star Wars</i> <b><i>*cough, cough*</i></b> but, in my humble opinion, that isn't realistic either. Hey, I'm big enough to admit that, if I was faced with what Fran had to deal with in <i>Dawn of the Dead</i>, I'd probably be the first one to go "full Barbra" on my fellow survivors. <br />
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It's then revealed that Fran isn't at the top of her game because she's got a bun in the oven, prompting this bizarre exchange between Peter and Stephen:<br />
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Peter: Do you want to get rid of it?<br />
Stephen: What?!?<br />
Peter: Do you want to abort it? It's not too late...and I know how.<br />
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When I heard this I thought to myself: 'How the hell does Peter know how to abort a baby?!? Is he just gonna boot her in the stomach?!?' As a good Catlick boy, hearing this casually-thrown-out line was more shocking than some of the gore effects. This leads me to another point: sometimes George Romero's dialogue is pretty tin-eared.<br />
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Anyhoo, back to what was happening on screen. I was really enjoying how every part of the plan to seal off and then secure the mall was being documented in loving detail. It was almost as if Romero and company were providing a real zombie apocalypse visual survival guide. But every time Peter and Roger haphazardly tore-ass through the parking lot with another set of trucks, I couldn't help but wince. To this day, I'm stunned that no one was killed while making the film.</div>
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After fooling the zombies time and time again, ol' Rog starts to get pretty cocky, bordering on Wooley-levels of unhinged. This leads to one of my all-time favorite lines in cinema history:<br />
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I felt myself growing increasingly nervous as Roger's overconfidence started to get the best of him. He let his guard down at one point and got chomped on both the arm and the leg. Now, you gotta understand the context here. This was very likely only the second or third movie I'd ever seen that featured zombies. The concept of a dead body being reanimated, walking around and spreading its infection by biting other people was nebulous, mysterious and decidedly vile.<br />
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Notwithstanding the compelling visual evidence that at least a baker's dozen aspiring stuntmen were maimed or killed during this scene, the chaos was palpable. A lot of the gore is incidental; such as the throwaway moment where a zombie gets run over, stands back up, ripping his own arm off in the process, and then continued to attack the truck. Again, going back to the golden zombie rule: these things weren't dropped until the creature's nexus of animation, the brain, was destroyed. Needless to say, the implications for this rule is a gore hound's wet dream.<br />
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With all of the entrances sealed off, our heroes set their sights on exterminating all of the zombies inside the mall. This was kicked off with a wonderful scene where they raid a gun shop, montage-style. Say what you want about Romero practically bolting the camera down as well as his workmanlike dialogue coverage, he's undeniably a crackerjack editor and this sequence is pure gold. Keep in mind: this pre-dates Ash getting prepped in <i>The Evil Dead</i> by three years. Oh, and you gotta dig that weird-ass tribal music playing in the background!<br />
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Eventually Peter, Roger, Stephen and Fran managed to put all of the zombies down and life slowly started to return to some semblance of normalcy. For one brief shining moment we got a chance to breathe a sigh of relief. But even then, the ever-present sound of the zombies pawing away at the mall's entrance doors was a constant reminder that a tsunami of death and chaos was lurking just outside, seeking to find and exploit a single crack in their defenses.<br />
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This led to the movie's most iconic scene where our Fantastic Four are standing together up on the top floor of the mall, looking down and listening to the slathering horde pounding and clawing away outside. Even though Romero's dialogue can falter at times, it's bone-chillingly effective in this sequence:<br />
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Fran: They're still here.<br />
Stephen: They're after us. They know we're still in here.<br />
Peter: They're after the place. They don't know why; they just remember. Remember that they want to be in here.<br />
Francine Parker: What the hell are they?<br />
Peter: They're us, that's all, when there's no more room in hell.<br />
Stephen: What?<br />
Peter: Something my granddad used to tell us. You know Macumba? Voodoo? My granddad was a priest in Trinidad. He used to tell us, "When there's no more room in hell, the dead will walk the Earth."<br />
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Like all the best campfire tales, Ken Foree's accomplished delivery sent chills down my spine and prompted me to seek comfort in a...well, a <i>comforter</i> that was lying on the couch. I bundled myself up, steeled my nerves and kept watching.<br />
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This dire speech was immediately re-enforced by poor Roger finally succumbing to his zombie bites. Between Scott Reiniger's stirring performance and the eerie musical cues, it was really, <i>really</i> hard to watch. Especially as Roger's corpse started to stir under the sheet and sit up, eventually revealing yet another classic Tom Savini makeup job.</div>
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Side note: every once and awhile the character's turn on their television, and we see a dude I originally dubbed "crazy eye patch guy" appear in emergency news broadcasts. For the record, the character's name is actually Dr. Millard Rausch and he's played with aplomb by Richard France. Only in a 70's-era low budget indie horror flick would a guy like France be cast as a scientist. Nowadays it would be some prim n' proper Anderson Cooper-looking motherfucker.<br />
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But no, here we get Richard France, yet another gloriously-distinctive weirdo that Romero loves to cast in his movies. I immediately fell in love with this guy. Thanks to his deep, baritone voice, matter-of-fact delivery, strange mannerisms and absolute certainty in delivering the script's whack-a-do lines, he effortlessly commanded every single scene that he was featured in. Plus, I admired his penchant for screaming "DUMMIES!!! DUMMIES!!! DUMMIES!!!" over and over again. </div>
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Eventually life became so domesticated inside the mall that, at one point, Peter prepared an elegant anniversary dinner for Stephen and Fran in has to be the most gloriously-dated 70's-era scene in any film. Even though the couple are surrounded by the trappings of normal life all around them, there's something supremely claustrophobic and depressing about the whole thing. If anything, this sequence embodies Fran's prescient prediction from earlier in the film:<br />
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"You don't see that it's not a sanctuary, it's a prison!"</div>
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As if in response to this, a huge pack of motorcycle-riding lunatics showed up to invade the mall. Again, <i>Dawn</i> shows it's influence by presaging <i>Mad Max</i> by a year and <i>The Road Warrior</i> by four. Prior to the big show down, I watched with growing concern as Peter, Fran and Stephen removed all of their jewelry and fancy clothes and donned their survival gear again. The message wasn't lost on me: if the world is falling apart you can only distract yourself for so long before you're forced to deal with it.<br />
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What followed over the next thirty minutes could only be described as an orgy of blood and mayhem. After getting past the barriers, the invaders drove their bikes<i> en masse</i> right through the mall and then started to pillage everything. Witnessing the looters snatch up property that he thought now belonged to them, Stephen snapped and started sniping away at them.<br />
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During the ensuing chaos, I was witness to approximately one-hojillion explosive blood squibs, a multitude of hacked-off limbs, decapitations and at least one nauseatingly-realistic disembowelment. Presiding over this insanity was a gleefully-anarchic Tom Savini, providing the gore effects behind the scene and inhabiting the role of lead-biker Blades. Witness the scene where he buries a machete in the head of one of the zombies, resulting in the iconic third still at the beginning of this entry. </div>
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I didn't know it at the time, but, just like every other setting for <i>Dawn of the Dead</i>, the mall was a very real location: namely <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monroeville_Mall">Munroeville Mall</a> in Munroeville, Pennsylvania. Every night, after the place closed closed down for the day, Romero and his cadre of cinematic horror nerds would bomb in, shoot all night long and then try and clean everything up before the place re-opened in the morning.<br />
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Re-watching the film, I'm stunned that they managed to make the place presentable every day, what with cars and motorcycles ripping around, mannequins being run over and gore flying everywhere. I've always wondered if any casual shoppers ever slipped in an errant patch of blood in the sporting goods section of JC Penny or noticed a random ear stuck to the inside of the photo booth.<br />
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Whereas the 2004 <i>Dawn of the Dead</i> remake featured the fast-moving zombies which were <i>de rigueur</i> at the time, I still maintain that Romero's shambling ghouls are much more interesting. Eschewing the fantasy logic that re-animated dead bodies shouldn't even be physically capable of sprinting around like Usain Bolt, the shufflers really lull you into a false sense of security. They may be clumsy and inherently pathetic, but if you aren't paying attention and they come at you in a clutch you can find yourself proper fucked without much ado.<br />
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By the time the pie scene rolled around, I really didn't know what to think. I remember having a really hard time reconciling the violence with the humor. Towards the end, <i>Dawn of the Dead</i> is like a live-action Road Runner cartoon where Wild E. Coyote's resulting wounds are realistically and clinically depicted by a crazy former Vietnam combat photographer <i>cum</i> supremely-talented makeup artist. I didn't know if I should laugh, scream, cry or projectile-vomit onto the television screen.<br />
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As the zombies began to overwhelm the bikers, something happened that made absolutely no sense to me. With the ghouls closing in all around, one of the raiders inexplicably strapped himself into a heart monitor machine and gamely followed through with the test, even as the creatures fell upon him like a living luau. I sat there in stunned silence, listening to the monitor's readings screech as they literally tore him limb from limb right before my disbelieving eyes.<br />
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This necessitated another pause. As gross as the visuals were, even I knew that Romero was clearly fucking with me at this point. The thing that surprised me the most is that I hadn't stopped the movie in quite awhile. So, either I was becoming numb to the cavalcade of gore or the film's humor had de-fanged any cruelty inherent in the act. </div>
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But even then, Romero still had one final, amazingly-memorable trump card to play. After Flyboy got lethally nibbled he came and back almost immediately as one of the most iconic zombies in cinema history. As if Tom Savini's hero-level makeup job wasn't amazing enough, David Emge completely sells the illusion. When he emerged from that elevator, eyes and mouth agape, covered in hideous wounds, revolver dangling abstractly off one finger, Emge became the prototypical zombie in my mind. To this day I still have no idea how he managed to walk around on his ankle like that.<br />
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And with that, the living dead reclaimed the mall. As if to reinforce the whole "zombies gravitate to places that are familiar" angle, Zombie-Stephen instinctively staggered his way back through the mall, tore through the wall and incrementally made his way back to the hero's secret safe-room. Unfortunately his new squad of undead bros came along with him.<br />
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This led to an absolutely insane climax. With a tidal wave of ghouls now streaming past their barricade, Peter told Fran to escape in the helicopter while he held off the horde. But, then, right at the last second, instead if Peter shooting himself in the head, he jumped up, battled his way through the slavering undead and fought his way towards the helicopter. The musical accompaniment for this sequence, by the way, sounds like it might have inspired the opening title score for the <i>A-Team</i>.<br />
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Years later I found out that Romero's original ending was crazy-bleak. Peter shoots himself in the head and Fran decapitates herself by sticking her l'il blonde noggin' into the helicopter's rotor blades.<i>¡Ay, caramba!</i> I'm super-glad Romero jettisoned this downer ending. Between the pie fight and the death of Stephen, I don't think my poor brain could have coped with yet another whiplash-style tonal shift. <br />
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As the orchestral strings swelled and the helicopter flew away, I breathed a palpable sense of relief and felt kinda proud of myself. I'd managed to make it all the way to the end without tossing my cookies or pausing every five seconds to dry-heave into a beef bucket. If anything, <i>Dawn of the Dead</i> truly reinforced the artistry of horror films for me. Even if they weren't made for a lot of money, they could still be epic, tackle big themes and resonate with you long after the credits rolled.<br />
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I'd also finally come to the conclusion that cinema gore was illusory. Convincing and gross, sure, but an illusion nonetheless. From that point forward, whenever I saw a practical effect, my first question was "Wow...how did they do that?" instead of "Oh gawd...can I reach the terlet in time?"<br />
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Whenever I re-watch <i>Dawn of the Dead,</i> my respect for the movie continues to grow. To me, it's more than just an iconic horror flick. I see it as a direct response to film critics and the moral majority who continue to complain that movie violence begets real violence.<br />
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To me, it's the other way around. Compared to news footage of kids coming home from Vietnam in body bags or students getting shot in cold blood by National Guard at Kent State, movies like <i>Dawn of the Dead </i>were just a reflection of the turbulent times that the creators lived through. In fact, by combining extreme gore with black comedy, Romero was telling us not to get bent out of shape over the fake stuff but to pay attention to the real horrors inherent in our reality. <br />
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So, this Halloween season, avoid Zack Snyder's serviceable but vapid remake and check out the one and only <i>Gone With The Wind</i> of zombie flicks, <i>Dawn of the Dead</i>.<br />
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<b><u>EPIC:</u></b> Recent documentary about the making of the film, included in Anchor Bay's marvelous DVD boxed set from 2004. WARNING: SPOILERS AND NOT EVEN VAGUELY SUITABLE FOR WORK!<br />
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<u style="font-weight: bold;">VINTAGE EPIC</u>: This once hard-to-find doc from 1985 talks about Romero's early career and features some stellar behind-the-scenes footage from the production of <i>Dawn of the Dead:</i></div>
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<b><u>IRONIC FAIL</u></b>: The reason <i>Dawn of the Dead</i> is currently unavailable in hi-def form is because the film's original producer and current rights holder, Richard P. Rubenstein, blew <i>six million dollars</i> inexplicably converting this classic horror movie into 3-D and now he wants a ludicrous amount of money for the rights to try and recoup his losses. Read the infuriating details right <a href="https://www.brainmutant.com/dawn-dead-demands-new-release/">here</a>. </div>
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David Prettyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11223458627724051713noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1660706916750956362.post-61946011289711688342018-04-06T11:01:00.001-04:002018-04-10T18:00:57.295-04:00Taktical Error<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Salutations, Suspicious Minds!<br />
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Yes, I know this blog is deader than the Professional Pog Circuit, but occasionally things happen to me which provide some inspiration. Case in point: this unsolicited, non-sequitur email I received back on March 14'th:<br />
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<i>Hey David,</i><br />
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<i>I saw <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.com/2013/04/the-post-secondary-school-of-hard-knocks.html">here</a>, that you've written about cars. If you’ll be covering similar topics in the future, such as auto tech (like driverless cars), or safety tips for new parents using carseats or new teen drivers, I’d love to be a source or contribute a unique article.</i><br />
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<i>Are you taking pitches?</i><br />
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<i>Best, </i><i>__________________ </i><br />
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Now, just because I'm a nice guy I'm not gonna use her real name. So, for the purpose of this sordid tale I'll just call her "Fibby McSneakypants" or some derivation thereof.<br />
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So, let's take a quick inventory here. On the plus side, the email is lucid and well-composed; unlike the typical "Nigerian Price"/ "English language set on frappé"-style of diction that typically characterizes the average phishing scam. On the other hand, there were a few things that made my "Spider-Sense" go off like the warning klaxons on a star destroyer.<br />
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First off, my last blog entry was back in October. Ever since I started writing for actual money as opposed to loose bits of string and dead budgerigars, I haven't been posting here very much. So, I really couldn't conceive why someone would want to be published on an obscure, borderline-defunct blog.<br />
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'Well, maybe they're a fledgling writer looking to establish a portfolio,' I thinks to meself. 'Baphomet knows I could have used some help when I first got started, so maybe I'll humor her.'<br />
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Now, if you read the <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.ca/2013/04/the-post-secondary-school-of-hard-knocks.html">article</a> that she's referring to, it bears as much resemblance to cars as Ted Cruz does to a human being. The piece is all about making universities teach courses that will give students genuine life skills instead of imparting theoretical and / impractical nonsense.<br />
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As such, my two speculative automotive courses were:<br />
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<i><b>First Car 100</b> This class will give students valuable advise on how to buy their first vehicle without getting sucked into a maelstrom of hidden charges. After learning how to avoid paying salesmen to do their own jobs, students will be given several creative suggestions as to what orifice will best accommodate the dealership's sleazy 'Administrative Fees'</i><br />
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...and...<br />
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<i><b>Car Maintenance and Repair 102</b> This course teaches students the importance of having a friend as an auto mechanic and how to determine what shops in your area are guilty of overt rip-offery. Please note: any students who have already completed Canadian Tire Avoidance 101 will receive partial credit towards Car Maintenance and Repair 103.</i><br />
<br />
So, Kind Reader, the question I put to you is: what the actual eff does <i>any</i> of that have to do with driver-less vehicles, car-seats or the perils of zit-covered teenagers drunkenly careening all over the road, armed only with a learning permit and an unwarranted sense of immortality?<br />
<br />
But, hey, once again, I'm a nice guy and so I just assumed that these topics were within her wheelhouse and she felt comfortable writing about them.<br />
<br />
Sure, I'm nice but I'm also inherently suspicious and guarded, mainly because a disproportionate number of humans I've met over the years come pre-loaded with ulterior motives. The specter of "Exhibit Y" soon presented itself when a simple Google-fication of her email address led me directly to an outfit called <a href="https://taktical.co/">Taktical Digital</a>.<br />
<br />
So what's this place all about? Well according to their minimalist webzone:<br />
<br />
<i>"Taktical Digital is an internationally recognized performance digital marketing agency. With an obsessive focus on maximizing ROI, Taktical Digital clients have seen tremendous revenue driving success across e-commerce and lead generation verticals. We are an industry leader in paid social advertising, search marketing and lead generation."</i><br />
<br />
Sorry, I gotta pause for a sec. Reading all that CorporateSpeak in one go has a tendency to make me break out in hives.<br />
<br />
Full disclosure: I can't prove that the Fibster works for Taktical Digital. I just think its telling that their site is the only thing that pops up when I search just her email suffix (@takticalmail.com).<br />
<br />
With this revealed I was 99.9% sure that it was all going to be a colossal waste of time. But then I thought, why not have some fun with it? At the very least, I might come out the other end with an amusing anecdote; sort of a virtual version of one of my <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.ca/2010/04/lowered-expectations-part-ii.html">earliest job experiences</a>, but, this time out, <i>I'D</i> be the one carrying the oversized tote bag, bee-<i>hotch</i>.<br />
<br />
So I proceeded to execute Step One in my plan: radio silence. In fact, I let a full week go by before she sent me the following missive:<br />
<br />
<i>Hi again - I just wanted to follow up as see if you had a chance to read my previous email.</i><br />
<i>Let me know if you are interested in a guest contribution from us - we love to get involved.</i><br />
<br />
<i>Thanks for your time, </i><br />
<i><br /></i><i>The Fibinator</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Needless to say, after reading this it was<i> on </i>like Rae Dawn Chong. So I wrote back first thing the very next day:<br />
<br />
<i>Hi, Fibby.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>I'm always interested in guest contributors to my blog. Unfortunately I'm not in the position</i><br />
<i>to pay writers at the moment.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>If that isn't a deal-breaker, I'd be more than willing to publish an article on a topic of your choice, perhaps with the inclusion of an appropriate ad or link to something that you're keen to promote. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>The only criterion is that the post's style has to dovetail with the established spirit of the blog, I.E. "a humorous exploration of education, career, employment, lifestyle, politics and pop culture." </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Other guidelines include:</i><br />
<ul>
<li><i>200-600 word length.</i></li>
<li><i>Well-researched with supporting links.</i></li>
<li><i>Conversational, breezy tone with liberal doses of relevant comedy. </i></li>
</ul>
<i>If you're still interested in contributing, or if you have any follow-up questions, please let me know.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Cheers,</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>-David</i><br />
<br />
To my complete and utter lack of surprise, this came back a few short hours later:<br />
<br />
<i>Hi David,</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Thanks for getting back to me--that sounds absolutely perfect to me!</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>I have a couple of ideas for you: </i><br />
<ul>
<li><i>How much will driverless cars cost?</i></li>
<li><i>Issues with drowsy driving laws and the efforts in preventing driving accidents</i></li>
<li><i>Have ride-sharing services led to a notable drop in DUI Accidents?</i></li>
</ul>
<i>Do any of these seem like they'd be a good fit for your site? Let me know what you think, and I'll get started on writing something up for you!</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Cheers,</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Fibmaster General</i><br />
<br />
Even though the answer to her question was a resounding "NOPE", I was kinda getting into it. So I did my best Arianna Huffington impersonation and wrote back:<br />
<br />
<i>Hi, Fib! Can I call you Fib?</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Your suggestions have really gotten my brain percolating.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>One related subject that I'd love to see explored is the current aptitude of driverless cars. How reliable is the AI at this stage? What kind of preliminary service records do they have? How do driverless cars cope with anomalous road conditions or emergency situations? What improvements can we expect as technology advances exponentially? </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Not only could this be an informative topic for readers, it could also be a great framework to hang some observational humor on. What do you think? Is there an angle there?</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Thanks! </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Her response, which arrived early the following day, clearly indicated that this marlin was decidedly on-hook.<br />
<br />
<i>Hi David, </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>I think you're on to something... A piece about the reliability of AI could be really great. And I definitely think we could work some humor in, too!</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>I'll get started on it right away. Our turn around time is about two weeks, so I should reach back out by April 6 with your finished piece.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Happy Friday!</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Fib</i><br />
<br />
After reading this I was tempted to lean back in my pneumatic chair, adjust my monocle, stroke my pussy and begin cackling uncontrollably like Ernst Stavro Blofeld. But instead I just sat there and thought 'Huh, I wonder if this person is actually on the up-and-up?'<br />
<br />
This thought was particularly strident when I received the following email on April the 2'nd at 2:09 in the pee em:<br />
<br />
<i>Hey David,</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>I hope all is well! Here is your finished piece. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Let me know what you think! I'm happy to make any edits or changes you think are necessary.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Best,</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>-F</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
I sat blinking at this for a little while, like the (in)box at the end of <i>Se7en</i>. After dealing with a few pressing personal deadlines, I finally sat down at the end of the day, clicked on the attachment and gave the article the once-over.<br />
<br />
It was good. I'd have to tweak a few things but nothing major. So I responded thusly:<br />
<br />
<i>Hi, Fibby.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Thanks for sending this through. It's been crazy busy on my end and I've only had a cursory glance but it looks great!</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>I'm going to set aside a few hours tomorrow to review and post it. Related question: are there any personal links you'd like to include with the story? Your own blog? Website? LinkedIn page? Let me know.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Thanks in advance!</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>-D </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Forty-five minutes later I get this:<br />
<br />
<i>Hi David,</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>I'm glad to hear its looking good so far, I hope it holds up to snuff when you give it a closer look tomorrow! </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>There are no personal links that need to be included on our end.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>I'm looking forward to hearing what you think!</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Cheers,</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Scooter Fibby</i><br />
<i><br /></i>Now, before we go any further I really need to draw your attention to the line "there are no personal links that need to be included on our end". Beyond the <i>not-even-vaguely-suspicious</i> "our end" reference, this entire statement is patently false. Show me a creative person that doesn't wanna flog their amateurish self-published book (guilty), lame blog (present company included), self-indulgent podcast (ditto) or boring Twitch stream (give me time) I'll show you a filthy, filthy liar.<br />
<br />
So the next day I went over the article with a fine tooth comb, scanning for literary lice. Despite the fact that the content was about as funny as a syphilis diagnosis, the story read rather well. Even more encouraging: a quick Google search seemed to bear out her claim that the article was original, at least in part. The very last thing I needed to do was to verify the links.<br />
<br />
Even this looked promising. I clicked on every single one of them and was pleasantly surprised. Her claim that Americans were still largely skeptical about driver-less cars was backed up with a related article from the <a href="https://www.insurancejournal.com/news/national/2017/09/11/463767.htm">Insurance Journal</a>. A potential falling out between Tesla and Nvidia was documented by an appropriate report from <a href="https://www.cnbc.com/2017/09/26/tesla-reportedly-switching-from-nvidia-to-intel-for-new-chip.html">CNBC</a>. A twenty-seven page <a href="https://ai100.stanford.edu/sites/default/files/ai_100_report_0831fnl.pdf">study panel report from Stanford</a> lent credence to her claim that driver-less cars will help bolster the public's trust of AI.<br />
<br />
But then I noticed something weird. Like <i>really</i> weird.<br />
<br />
Her main thesis, that driver-less cars will eventually reduce accidents and injuries, should have been the easiest thing to link. Hell, after a quick bash at the ol' Google-O-Meter I came up with <a href="https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/are-autonomous-cars-really-safer-than-human-drivers/">this</a>, <a href="http://theconversation.com/are-autonomous-cars-really-safer-than-human-drivers-90202">this</a> and <a href="http://www.businessinsider.com/why-driverless-cars-will-be-safer-than-human-drivers-2016-11">this</a>.<br />
<br />
But, no, instead she'd embedded a link to a website for this sketchy, ambulance-chasing law firm that specializes in car accident personal injury cases. I scanned through the page looking for any shred of supporting information but the only thing I got was a pop up query from "Mike", who was manning the site's online support desk.<br />
<br />
"Hi there! Would you like to tell me about your case for a free legal evaluation?" he chirpily inquired.<br />
<br />
"<i>Um</i>, no thank you," I typed back in a daze, immediately wondering why I'd gone through the bother of typing "um".<br />
<br />
And with that, funny l'il fascinatin' Fibby finally stood exposed. She was contacting backwater blogs like mine with an offer to write vaguely-related articles for the express purpose of sneaking in some back-door, borderline subliminal advertising for a skeezy law firm. With another quick search I found an eerily similar article of hers which had been published on a site that looked a lot more legit than my lame-ass blog. And, hey, guess what? She used the exact same incongruous "source" to "back up" the exact same claim.<br />
<br />
<i>Hmmmmm</i>, I wonder why the publisher later "redacted this article to conform to our style and usage guidelines."<br />
<br />
With the scam now revealed I could easily have fucked with her mercilessly. It took every bit of my willpower not to respond with this:<br />
<br />
<i>"Hey, yeah, this is great an' all, toots, but the tone is waaaay too egg-headed and dry for the tens and tens of people who read my blog. So, lissen, I needs you to punch up tha funny. Can't we just make up a news story about how one o' these fancy-assed smart cars went all HAL-9000 on its owner? Mebbe after missing one too many detailing appointments the car snaps and tries to kill the driver by sealing the windows and reversing the exhaust? Oh, and wouldn't it be funny if we said the car found a radio station that was playing Pink Floyd's 'Goodbye Cruel World' while it did the deed? LOOOL!"</i><br />
<br />
Instead I decided to act my age and and replied:<br />
<br />
<i>Hi, Fibster.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>We're almost ready to go. Just a few things.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>As an unabashed Canucklehead, I'd prefer we said NORTH Americans instead of just Americans, with a link to match. If we can't find a link with the same verbiage, no worries. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Also, t</i><i>he link you provided to back up your injury claim takes readers to an actual law firm with a very pro-active chat representative who immediately starts to bombard visitors with free consultation offers. Perhaps you can just link an article with some basic stats RE: auto-related injuries in North America last year. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Finally, every one of my entries includes an EPIC / FAIL. The first is a link to a good news story about the topic and the latter is a comedic glass-half-empty observation. There can be written articles or links to videos. Please let me know what you'd like to include to cap off this great article.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Thanks!</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>-D</i><br />
<br />
So, bless her heart, she replied:<br />
<br />
<i>Hey David,</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>I'm having trouble finding a link with a statistic for North America as a whole--I've got Canadian family and am well aware of what a misnomer 'American' is! I have found a link to some Canadian statistics, so I'm not sure if you'd rather include that instead? https://www.thestar.com/business/tech_news/2017/09/14/half-of-canadians-trust-self-driving-cars-survey-says.html ("That's the reason that barely half of Candians trust triverless cars").</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>In regards to the car accident link, would this link be better? *** </i><b>INCLUDES LINK TO EXACT SAME WEBSITE, JUST A DIFFERENT AND EQUALLY USELESS PAGE ***<i> </i></b><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Finally, I love the idea of an EPIC/FAIL!</i><br />
<i>Here's something I think could work for fail: https://www.reuters.com/article/us-autos-selfdriving-canada/in-canada-driverless-cars-learn-to-see-in-the-snow-idUSKBN1GX2V9</i><br />
<i>And this would be my pick for epic:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDidEb7xAJo</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Let me know what you think!</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Best,</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Grandfibster Flash</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
After heaving a heavy sigh I shot back:<br />
<br />
<i>Hi, Fiborina.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Everything is great, but I don't feel comfortable linking anything to a 1-800-SUE-4-CASH law firm. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Especially considering that its the same exact link you've used in the past. </i><br />
<br />
<i>At best, it's scarcely related to the content and at worst its thinly-veiled advertising.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Thanks. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
And finally, the predictable <i>denouement</i>:<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Hi David,</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Unfortunately, on my end we would need to include a link to that page. I can see you're uncomfortable with leaving it in your piece, so I'll ask you instead to refrain from posting it. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>I really appreciate you taking the time to work with me, and for the opportunity!</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Best,</i><br />
<br />
<i></i>
<i>Erica VonFibbentrop</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Whatta shocka. This was my last message to her:<br />
<br />
<i>Oh, no worries. I certainly won't be posting any portion of this in whole or in part. It has, however, inspired an original post of my own, so thanks for that. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>I also hope that, from here on in, you let people know up front what your intended motivation is. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>I suspect it'll save you and the person that you're soliciting a lot of valuable time. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Curiously, she hasn't written back.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
***</div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><u>EPILOGUE</u></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
Gentle Readers,<br />
<br />
We live in a time where nothing can be taken at face value. With most of us asleep at the switch, the lunatics are currently running the asylum. And although the story I just told is admittedly kinda penny ante, it does showcase a few issues that are critical in this age of fleeting truth, rampant white collar crime and cartoon presidents.<br />
<br />
They are:<br />
<ol>
<li>Don't trust anyone. Now, I'm not saying that you shouldn't give people the benefit of the doubt, just don't blindly assume that people are telling you the truth. Do your own independent research and find out what's really going on for yourself.</li>
<li>In the immortal words of Harry S. Plinkett: "The devil's in the details, my lovelies." Sometimes you gotta dig deep for the truth but it's that sort of diligence that will allow you to distinguish "fake news" from reality. Remember: the last thing the <i>powers-that-be</i> want is a population of independent, nosy, details-oriented, well-informed critical thinkers. </li>
<li>Corporations are inherently scummy. Lies and deceptions are their bread and butter so, for the love of everything holy, try to be better then them. Make an effort to be up-front with people, always broker in facts and don't be afraid to stick to your principles. </li>
</ol>
The funny thing is: my very first reply to her gave her the perfect opportunity to be forthright:<br />
<br />
<i>I'd be more than willing to publish an article on a topic of your choice, perhaps with the inclusion of an appropriate ad or link to something that you're keen to promote. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Ergo, I might have done the Fibster a solid if she'd just been up front and said "Look, I wanna advertise something on your blog. It's not really related to your content and I don't wanna pay you, but maybe if you publish it we can promote your writing to our clients".<br />
<br />
Instead she decided to use subterfuge and chicanery, a tactic that's, sadly, probably worked more times than its failed.<br />
<br />
Oh, well, at least I got a (vaguely) funny story out of it.<br />
<br />
<b><u>EPIC</u>: </b> Successful bloggers will often find themselves navigating a veritable minefield of <i>considerably-more-nefarious</i> scam artists. Here's some <a href="https://www.scam-detector.com/article/influencers-beware-blog-advertising-fraud-hits-the-online-world">tips</a> on how to recognize and report one of the scarier ones.<br />
<br />
<b><u>FAIL</u></b>: Autonomoose? Autono<i>moose</i>?!? Really?!? Man, if "pandering" were a crime, this chick would be on death row.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<iframe allow="autoplay; encrypted-media" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/EDidEb7xAJo" width="560"></iframe>
</div>
David Prettyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11223458627724051713noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1660706916750956362.post-29553797499627107782017-10-26T15:07:00.001-04:002017-10-26T16:41:11.572-04:00Obligatory Halloween Post...MUST...BE...DESTROYED!!!<div style="text-align: center;">
*** WARNING ***</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
What follows is a pretty deep dive into the most labyrinthine horror movie ever made. Plot points will be discussed in detail, so be warned of spoilers. Particularly spoilers in bathtubs. <i>F#ck</i>, I've already said too much! <i>God dammit</i>, why are you reading this when you haven't even seen the movie yet? </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
That makes no sense! If your choice is to watch one of the scariest movies ever made around </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
the perfect time of year or listen to some asshole on the internet run his mouth off, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
then I think the choice is pretty obvious. Go watch the movie first and</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>then</i> come back to see what this asshole has to say about it. </div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
*** </div>
<br />
Harpy Hell-O-Ween, Super-Creeps!<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br />
Yeah, I know, I know: <i>this blog is deader than disco</i>. But I still can't shake my annual desire to talk about the horror movies that scared the ever-livin' fertilizer outta me as a formative human.<br />
<br />
In previous entries I've talked about <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.ca/2010/10/obligatory-halloween-post.html">early childhood scares</a> as well as my personal run-ins with such formative, bone-chilling horror fare as <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.ca/2011/10/return-of-obligatory-halloween-post.html"><i>An American Werewolf in London</i></a>, <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.ca/2012/10/revenge-of-obligatory-halloween-post.html"><i>The Exorcist</i></a>, <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.ca/2013/10/son-of-obligatory-halloween-post.html"><i>The Texas Chainsaw Massacre</i></a>, <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.ca/2014/10/obligatory-halloween-post-walks-among-us.html"><i>Alien</i></a>, <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.ca/2015/10/curse-of-obligatory-halloween-post.html"><i>The Return of the Living Dead</i></a>, and <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.ca/2016/10/bride-of-obligatory-halloween-post.html"><i>The Evil Dead</i></a>.<br />
<br />
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">As I rabidly began to consume every example of the genre I could get my hands on, I started to hone in on what really scared me the most. It wasn't movies featuring masked killers, suave vampires or monstrous bug-a-boos, it was spiritual stuff. For some reason, films featuring spectral threats such as ghosts and phantoms really had my number. Looking back on it now, I suppose it had something to do with my lapsed Catholic faith. After all, when you're raised as a good Cat'lick boy, the Holy Ghost constitutes one-third of your irrational belief system. </span><br />
<br />
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Ergo, if there are Holy Ghosts, why not <i>Unholy</i> Ghosts? </span><br />
<br />
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">The next movie I saw on my cavalcade of terror came relatively late in my career as a horror fan. I think I was eighteen or nineteen at the time when I first saw it. This is partly because the movie had been almost universally panned by movie critics when it first came out back in 1980. </span><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">For example, Nigel Andrews, in his book <i>Horror Movies</i> writes:</span><br />
<br />
<i><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">"Though one admires the film for its metaphysical and mazy obsessionalism - here are Jack Nicholson, Shelley Duvall and Danny Lloyd endlessly chasing each other's psyche's in an inner circle of their homemade Hell - it seldom harrows or terrifies."</span></i><br />
<br />
<i>Hmmm</i>, I don't think "mazy" a word. Nor is <i><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">obsessionalism</span></i> for that matter. Oh, well. <br />
<br />
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">At the time, I thought this rather surprising, given the film's pedigree. After all, I'd seen many of Stanley Kubrick's other movies and I thought they were all rather effective. To this day <i>Dr. Strangelove</i> is still my favorite comedy, <i>2001: A Space Odyssey</i> blew my fragile, eggshell mind and both <i>A Clockwork Orange</i> and <i>Full Metal Jacket</i> rocked me to the core by shattering on-screen taboos and depicting visceral violence. At the very least, I knew that Kubrick had the balls to go there in the horror genre. </span><br />
<br />
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">What I didn't know was that Kubrick had crafted a film so dense, so bold and so innovative that it would come to revolutionize the horror genre in much the same way that those aforementioned films redefined comedy, sci-fi and war movies. Just like all of his previous projects, Kubrick was so ahead of pack that it took everyone else on the planet about a decade to catch up to him. </span><br />
<br />
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">When I sat down to watch <i>The Shining</i> late one night<i> </i>sometime back in the late 80's,<i> </i>I honestly wasn't expecting very much. I certainly </span><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">didn't expect to see my worst nightmares
made incarnate in film</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="text-decoration: underline;"></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"><span style="font-size: large;"><u>The Shining (1980)</u></span> </span></div>
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">As soon as I pressed the "PLAY" button on my VCR's remote control, I immediately started to feel unsettled. The credits, the effin' <i>credits</i>, fer Chrissakes, were creeping me out. Between the sweeping helicopter shots conveying shades of omniscient, disembodied forces keeping watch on us overhead and the discordant, banshee-like wails on the uber-spooky soundtrack, I was already starting to come down with a serious case of the wiggins.</span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">We're soon introduced to </span><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Jack Torrence, played by </span></span><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">the incomparable </span><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Jack Nicholson. When we first meet Jack, he's being </span></span>interviewed for the job of caretaker at the isolated Overlook Hotel. We learn that Jack is a </span>struggling writer who's looking to winter at the hotel with his family and perhaps finally start working on that elusive GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL he's been telling people at parties all about. </span><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">He accepts the assignment, even when Ullman, the hotel manager, sneaks in a colorful little eleventh-hour vignette about a previous caretaker who went Coo-Coo for Cocoa Puffs and chopped up his wife and two daughters with an axe. Fun! </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Inter-spliced between this is a scene where we meet Jack's wife Wendy, played to pathetic perfection by Shelly Duvall and his young son Danny. Quite often child actors are so dreadful that they completely take me out of the film but young Danny Lloyd plays disassociated and shell-shocked so well here that I think he's on par with his adult peers. I'm not sure what Kubrick did to wring such an amazing performance out of him. Hopefully it's never revealed that Danny's pet rabbit was kept hostage in the walk-in fridge until he hit his marks. </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Anyway, young Master Lloyd does a tremendous job conveying trepidation and trauma. Adding an extra layer of oddness to the proceedings is Danny's invisible friend Tony, who he talks to by wiggling his finger. What's even stranger is that Wendy just rolls with it, even going so far as to directly address her son's bobbing digit from time to time. I get the impression that poor, pale, chain-smoking Wendy has been so badly beaten down by life's incessant worries that she's like 'F#ck it, I gotta pick and choose my battles so I'll talk to the finger.' </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">By that point in my life I'd seen enough horror movies to know that it's a generally a good idea to listen to kids, particularly psychic ones. After croaking out that he "doesn't want to go", Tony gives Danny and the viewer a delightful little sneak peek at things to come: namely a veritable tidal wave of blood gushing through the hotel's elevators doors. Not only does this cause Danny to black out, it forced me to shut off the VCR at the time and create a notable spike in my parent's power bill. </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">After humming cheerily and basking in the florescent light of the kitchen for awhile, I eventually trudged back to the T.V. room, eased into the sofa and pressed "PLAY" again. Mercifully, I was treated to a bit of a reprieve as a doctor comes to visit Danny to make sure he's alright. That's right, kids, we might have smart phones and online banking now but back in the day, doctors made house-calls! #darkageconveniences</span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">I remember feeling decidedly jealous of Danny since he seemed to be taking all of this in stride a lot better than I was. After wringing very little information out of Danny about Tony or the vision, the Doc digs up some interesting trivia while chatting with Wendy. As it turns out, Jack inadvertently hurt Danny one night after he'd been drinking, leading to a five month stretch of sobriety. <i>The plot thickens</i>. </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Instead of taking Danny's fainting spell as an omen (or an ottoman, as the case may be), Jack packs up the fam and whisks them off to the hotel. <i>En route</i> they have an absolutely <i>whack-a-do </i>conversation about the Donner Party, whereby Jack almost gleefully explains how this poor, lost clan had to eat each other in order to survive. When Wendy chides Jack for talking about this in front of Danny, the boy casually replies: "Don't worry, Mom. I know all cannibalism. I saw it on T.V."</span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">This scene forces me to make a confession: I had issues with <i>The Shining</i> the first time I saw it as well. That's not to say that it didn't scare the ever-lovin' crap outta me, I just had some pretty hefty issues with the plot. For one, I'd already read the book by that point and, like Stephen King himself, I though that Kubrick took too many liberties with the plot. Chief of which is how quickly Jack Torrence goes over the deep end.</span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">The first time we see Jack during the interview, he appears to be just fine. If anything, he comes across as a bit too conciliatory. But now that we see him with his family, he seems to be decidedly out of patience and humors the practical aspects of turning your kinfolk into bouillabaisse. Upon first viewing this kinda pissed me off since it jettisoned the natural arc of deterioration Jack experiences in the book. Now I just look at it as another way for Kubrick to sow those early seeds of discord and ensure that we never feel sympathy for this died-in-the-wool asshole. </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"><i>More on that later.</i></span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Kubrick continues to ratchet up the creep-factor. While playing darts by himself in the hotel's game room, Danny gets the feeling like he's being watched. He turns around to see two pasty-faced girls with abnormally large foreheads staring at him. Without saying a word they gradually turn around and slowly drift out of the room. <i>Eeeeee</i>.</span> <span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Then, while Ullman, the site manager, is escorting Jack and Wendy around the property, he lets another chestnut casually slip about how the hotel was built on an ancient Indian burial ground. Man, this guy is </span><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">THE ABSOLUTE WORST real estate agent on the planet! </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">All of this spooky preamble comes to a head when the Torrances meet Dick Halloran, the head chef of the Overlook. After sharing a silent <i>tete-a-tete</i> with Danny, the two have a private conversation and the boy finally learns about the nature of his special abilities, which Halloran calls "shining". Dick explains that a rare handful of people have the ability to see psychic residue left over at places where bad things happened. Since I've always subscribed to this concept, at least in principal, hearing this actually voiced in a movie was particularly troubling to me.</span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Halloran insists that </span><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">he's "scared of nothing here" and that </span>the Overlook's own macabre version of "shining" is harmless, just like pictures in a book. But then Danny plucks what must be a glaringly-obvious splinter out of the chef's brain and asks a very specific question... </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">DANNY: "What about Room 237? You're scared of Room 237, ain'tcha?"<br /> </span><br />
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">HALLORAN: "No I ain't."<br /> </span><br />
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">DANNY: "Mr. Halloran, what is in Room 237?"<br /> </span><br />
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">HALLORAN: "Nothing. There ain't nothing in Room 237. But you ain't got no business going in there anyway, so stay out! You understand, stay out!" </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Before Kubrick gives Halloran a chance to elaborate we smash-cut to another title card that simply says "A MONTH LATER". This is sheer brilliance on Kubrick's part. For those keeping score at home, so far we've gotten an eerie "spirits in the sky" intro, Danny's oddball visions and behavior, the threat of total isolation for six months, creepy stories about the hotel, Jack's past history with anger management and alcohol and now, a "Bluebeard"-style mystery about Room 237. So, with that simple little title card, Kubrick informs us that this poor family has already been marinating in this polluted psychic stew for thirty days.</span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">And I'm just taking into account all of the <i>overtly</i> weird stuff. I haven't even mentioned all of the inexplicable subliminal shit that your woke mind probably missed but your brain is subconsciously gnawing away on like a rat chewing on the bars of its cage. For example, </span><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">how can Ullman's office possibly have an outdoor window? W</span>hy is Jack reading a copy of <i>Playgirl</i> while he's waiting to meet his new employer in the lobby? Why are the girls identical twins when they're described as sisters aged eight and ten? </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">There are a lot of visual anomalies in <i>The Shining</i> both before and after the Torrances move into the hotel. Now, normally, I'd just chalk this up to simple continuity errors, but Kubrick was notoriously anal retentive about every aspect of his films. Yes, I know the movie has a few unintentional flubs but I think a lot of what viewers see as goofs are just designed to keep our unconscious minds off-kilter. And by the time the film reaches the mid-way point, this incessant parade of discordant, under-the-radar noodle-bending starts to chip away at the viewer's mental state. </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Anyhoo, we're a month in and already Jack is starting to exhibit signs of writers block and fatigue. He tells Wendy that he "fell in love" with the hotel from day one and the place gives him a preternatural sense of <i>deja vu</i>. "It was almost as though I knew what was going to be around every corner," he tells her, then makes light of it with a pretty bitching "spooky ghost" impersonation. This segues into an unsettling shot where Jack takes a break from his fruitless labors by throwing a tennis ball incessantly against the wall and then gazes down at a model of the nearby hedge maze where he envisions his wife and son getting lost in the labyrinth. </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Things continue to go downhill. </span><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Via a revolutionary continuous Steadicam shot, we see Danny </span>Big Wheeling around the hotel and encountering the notorious Room 237. He gets a vivid mental flash of the same two creepy girls from earlier so he gives up on testing the locked door and wisely books it out of there. Then Jack completely loses his marbles on Wendy when she interrupts his fevered writing. Later we see him looking decidedly unhinged as he stares out the window at his family who are frolicking outdoors in the snow.</span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">A heavy winter storm blankets the hotel, making things feel even more insulated and claustrophobic. </span><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Kubrick once again follows Danny around on his Big Wheel as he bombs around a corner and runs smack dab into the same haunting twins we've seen before. This time, after staring balefully at him for a bit, they finally speak, and what they say doesn't come as a relief: </span><br />
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<i><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">"Come play with us, Danny. For ever and ever..."</span></i></div>
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Kubrick
then turned my brain into gibbering mush by inter-splicing a few
frames of the two girls lying bloodied and all hacked up on the floor. For the record, this ghastly image is single-handedly responsible for my irrational fear of old, underpopulated hotels and children. <i>Particularly British children. </i> </span><br />
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This charming little scene necessitated yet another break. I shut off the VCR and hyperventilated for awhile under the comforting glow of every 60-watt bulb in my parent's house.<br />
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'This effin' movie is really getting under my skin,' I remember thinking to myself as I poured a few ketchup chips into a bowl. I looked down at them, suddenly felt queasy and immediately put them back in the bag.<br />
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Resigned to my fate, I returned to the haunted environs of the T.V. room and tentatively pressed the "PLAY" button. Damned if this movie was gonna get the best of me tonight.<br />
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Once again, Kubrick cleanses the palate by serving up a scene of relative domestic normalcy. But even now he can't help but needle our subconscious brain by showing Wendy and Danny watching a television set that <i>isn't even plugged in</i>. Dafuq?<br />
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Anyway, this false tranquility is soon torn asunder when Danny tries to tip-toe through their living quarters and encounters his dad, who's sitting on the edge of his bed looking disheveled. He invites his son over for a heart-to-heart, and the resulting exchange gives a pretty reliable sneak peak of what to expect during the second half of the film. When Danny asks Jack point blank if he plans to hurt him and / or his mum, Jack doesn't deny it right away, instead choosing to ask if Wendy put the idea in his head.<br />
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Then, in a "methinks thou dost protest too much" kinda moment he tells his son: <br />
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JACK: "I love you, Danny. I love you more than anything else in the whole world, and I'd never do anything to hurt you, <i>never</i>. You know that, don't you, huh?"<br />
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Fun fact: Steven Spielberg once told Kubrick that he thought Jack Nicholson's performance in <i>The Shining</i> was so over the top as to be out of sight. Kubrick responded by asking Steven who his favorite actors are and Spielberg reflexively rhymed off "Spencer Tracy, Henry Fonda, James Stewart, Cary Grant, Clark Gable." Kubrick stopped him and asked why the legendarily-hammy James Cagney wasn't on the list, because he was one of Stanley's all-time favorite actors.<br />
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I will also concede that Nicholson goes completely <i>yooka-laylee</i> mid-way through the film and his performance borders on parody at times. But the more I see <i>The Shining</i>, the more I realize that Kubrick and Nicholson took the right approach, especially after witnessing this subtle and chilling scene with Danny Lloyd. Let's face it: legit crazy people don't care if their mask of normalcy slips off. If anything, Jack's performance is very Cagney-<i>esque</i>: completely free of pretensions and unrepentantly unhinged.<br />
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Literally two scenes after reassuring his son that he won't touch a hair on his angelic l'il noggin, Jack has a harrowing nightmare about <i>Ginsu</i>-ing Wendy and Danny up with an axe. Wendy tries to re-assure him but then Danny stumbles into the room looking borderline catatonic. She runs over to him and notices that his shirt collar is ripped and he's got a dirty big red welt on his neck.<br />
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After spending about two milliseconds in her mind-palace, Wendy logically concludes that Jack had his ham-hocks all over the boy. But, then again, Wendy didn't witness the previous scene.<br />
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We, on the other hand, <i>did</i> see what happened. We saw a tennis ball roll towards Danny as he was playing with his toy cars in the hallway. We watched him stand up to investigate where it came from and then notice that the door for Room 237 was ajar. We didn't get to see what Danny witnessed in that room, but given the physical marks on the boy, we now suspect that Halloran's "harmless pictures in a book" theory isn't 100% accurate.<br />
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Or is it? <i>More on that later</i>...<br />
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Now tried and convicted, Jack goes on a tantrum-fueled stomp through the deserted hotel, eventually ending up in the Gold Ballroom. He grabs a seat at the bar, lamenting that he'd "sell his goddamn soul" for a glass of beer. And then, right on cue, the spectral bartender Lloyd appears, leading Jack to a confessional of sorts.<br />
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What's interesting is, up to this point in time, Jack has already been acting <span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">vaguely intoxicated. But when his enabler Lloyd shows up, he falls completely off the sanity wagon. This whole concept is inherently terrifying since Ullman has told us in no uncertain terms that every drop of booze has been removed from the hotel to cut down on off-season insurance costs. </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Sharp-eyed viewers among you might also notice that Jack praises Lloyd for his exemplary bartender skills but when he orders a bourbon, Lloyd clearly pours him a whiskey out of a J&B bottle. In the immortal words of Harry S. Plinkett: "you might not have noticed it, but your brain did." </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Anyway Jack spends the next little while bad-mouthing Wendy, calling her "the old sperm bank" and a "bitch" at one point. He tells Lloyd that Wendy never let him forget about accidentally dislocating Danny's shoulder, even though we've seen absolutely no evidence of her harping on him. In fact, the only time she loses her shit on him is when the evidence points to no other possible suspect.</span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">This is particularly telling when she shows up moments later and tells Jack that Danny was strangled by a "crazy woman in one of the rooms". Even though she's letting Jack off the hook by subscribing to their son's fevered retelling of events, Jack still comes back with "Are you out of your fucking mind?" Nice, Jack. <i>Real classy</i>. </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Of course, this sets up a scene where Jack investigates Room 237. When I watched this for the first time, I remember being positively shit-baked. This place had been built up right from reel one as the absolute nexus of horror for the entire film and considering what I'd suffered through thus far, I was nearly sick with dread. </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">We see Jack inch his way through the oddly-appointed suite, s</span><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">eemingly oblivious to the ominous music shredding what was left of my wits to ribbons. </span>We see his hand on the bathroom doorway as he pushes it open and enters. We see the intimation of a figure in the bathtub behind the shower curtain. Slowly the curtain is drawn back by the occupant, revealing a gorgeous naked woman in the tub. </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Despite the fact that Jack has no clue who this woman is, he's clearly pleased by his good fortune. Especially as this mystery woman stands up, climbs out of the tub and starts walking towards him. With 'YOLO', the battle cry of horny men everywhere firmly in mind, Jack follows suit, embracing and then kissing her passionately. </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">It's at this point when Kubrick clobbered me right between the eyes <i>and</i> the legs. We get a glimpse of the woman's true appearance in the mirror and what happens next is a masterclass in horror editing and sound design. It's so effective that I don't think its ever been rivaled in cinema history.</span><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"> </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Plot twist: all this time Jack has been snogging a dead elderly woman, her saggy, wrinkled flesh marred by wide-spread patches of rot. Relishing her deceit, the hag starts to cackle like a witch in a Disney cartoon. Then we get an unexpected shot of Danny experiencing some sort of seizure. Then back to the tub with the old woman's decayed body under water, her skin discolored and eyes agape. Naturally this is lit with the most harsh, unforgiving florescent lighting possible. </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Kubrick cruelly refuses to release us from this seemingly-endless symphony of terror. Next we cut back to Jack as he retreats from the room. Then we see the naked old crone, walking towards him, her wet hair like strings of seaweed, her toothless grin perverse and leering. Then over to a convulsing, drooling Danny. Then back to the corpse in the bathtub. Then onto Jack stumbling in reverse though the living room. Then back to the woman reaching out to him. Then back to Danny. Then back to the body RISING SLOWLY OUT OF THE BATHWATER, eyes still open and vacant. </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Even as Jack escapes the room, shuts the door and then bars it behind him, we can still hear that hideous, hair-raising cackle as he flees down the hallway. </span><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"> </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">I distinctly remember turning the movie off at that point, if only to exert some terrestrial control over it. I turned on all of the lights again in an effort to drive back any malevolent threats that might be lurking in the shadows. During my tour of the house, I caught myself appraising common household objects for their defensive capabilities against disembodied entities. That's when I chided myself and realized that the only threat to me at that moment was Stanley Kubrick's fevered imagination.</span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Looking back over this series of Obligatory Halloween Posts, it's pretty easy to see one common denominator. All of these horror movies were helmed by a directors who's field of fucks were clear and presently barren. They shattered taboos right in front of you and then proceeded to rub your nose in it. They were fearless in their pursuit to scare the ever living shit out of the audience. </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">And that's what dutifully sent me back to the VCR. I felt that if I could get through <i>The Shining</i>, it would be the cinematic equivalent of eating the heart of your enemy and gaining their strength. So, once again I dimmed the lights, settled in and shakily mashed the "PLAY" button.</span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">What happened next baffled me even more. Wendy asks Jack about what he saw in the room and he plays dumb. At first I was completely confused by this, but then I realized that if he'd come clean, Wendy would have thrown Jack and Danny over her shoulder, run down to the snow cat, thrown them both inside, started it up and wouldn't have stopped driving until they hit the first off-ramp to Boulder. Sure, Shelly Duvall is pretty spindly in the movie, but, hey, when the spirit moves you, <i>so to speak</i>... </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Even without his confession, Wendy makes a cut and dried case for evacuation. Danny has another one of his perfectly-timed, patented blood tsunami visions just as Kubrick hard cuts back to Jack who violently rails against the very suggestion that they leave.</span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">JACK: "It is so fucking typical of you to create a problem like this when I finally have a chance to accomplish something. When I'm really into my work. I could really write my own ticket if I went back to Boulder now, couldn't I? Shoveling out driveways, working in a car wash - any of that appeal to you? Wendy, I have let you fuck up my life so far, but I'm not going to let you fuck this up!"</span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Wendy is left reeling in the wake of Jack's caustic vitriol. He tears ass back to the Gold Room, where he inexplicably finds the place packed with revelers who all apparently share the same passion for "Roaring 20's" cosplay. After collecting another free drink from Lloyd, he mistakenly bumps into one of the servers, who spills several drinks onto his jacket. The waiter offers to clean Jack up and escorts him into the washroom.</span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">In the next scene the butler is revealed to be Delbert Grady. At first we assume that it's the same Grady that Ullman was talking about at the beginning of the film, but that was "Charles" not "Delbert". Jack tries to get Grady to admit to being the former caretaker who murdered his own family but the waiter remains elusive and turns the focus back on Jack. </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">GRADY: "I'm sorry to differ with you, sir, but you are the caretaker. You have always been the caretaker. I should know, sir. I've always been here."</span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Grady does a complete bait-and-switch on Jack, warning him that Danny has already sent out a psychic S.O.S. to Dick Halloran after his harrowing encounter in Room 237. In many ways this discussion between Jack and Grady is just as spine-tingling and shocking as the visuals that came before it. Particularly caustic is how Grady refers to Halloran and how quickly Jack identifies Danny as "willful" and Wendy as someone who always "interferes". </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">As soon as the cat is out of the bag, Grady sheds any pretensions and starts talking about his own struggles, albeit under the cloak of euphemism. </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">GRADY: "Perhaps they need a good talking to, if you don't mind my saying so. <i>Perhaps a bit more</i>. My girls, sir, they didn't care for the Overlook at first. One of them actually stole a packet of matches and tried to burn it down. But I<i> corrected</i> them, sir. And when my wife tried to prevent me from doing my duty I <i>corrected</i> her."</span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Upon hearing that, Jack's face lights up in a wolfish smile and you know that the denouement of the film will be as certain and unavoidable as the end of a Greek tragedy. Up to this point, the movie was running at about a "10" on the ol' <i>Scare-O-Meter</i> but this conversation cranks things up to a <i>Spinal Tap</i>-ian "11" and then breaks the knob off.</span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">From here on in the film's pace becomes an unstoppable juggernaut. Danny is so traumatized by this point that Tony has taken over as the dominant personality. Wendy leaves the apartment to find Jack and tell him that she's taking Danny out in the snow cat. Clearly she's so troubled by these prospects that she brings a Louisville Slugger along with her for self defense. </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Wendy goes to find Jack in the Colorado Lounge and discovers that the manuscript that he's been obsessively working on is a rather one-note autobiography that's admittedly no worse than your average Stephanie Meyer novel. </span><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Instantly her worse fears are confirmed and she's forced to face the fact that her husband has gone totally and irrevocably mad.</span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">What follows is a scene
that reportedly took one-hundred and thirty seven takes to get right. </span>Jack pops up out of nowhere and starts berating Wendy. She tries to retreat back up the stairs, waving the baseball bat like a wand of protection out in front of her. Eventually she corks her manic husband in the melon, sending him tumbling down the steps.</span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">It's breath-taking to watch this sequence for several reasons. For one, it's impeccably shot. Kubrick placed stacks of high-wattage floodlights just outside the fake windows of the lounge's studio interior, creating a genuinely over-exposed "snow blind" effect that you would typically only see during the dead of winter. This subtly conveys hints of cold isolation. <i>There's no way out</i>. He also uses the newly-minted Steadicam to great effect, making it feel as if camera's perspective, and the audience's P.O.V., is that of a disembodied voyeur. </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">But it's the performances that make the scene particularly hard to watch. Jack is inhumanly cruel to his wife, mocking her voice, making light of her concern for their son and giving her a supreme guilt trip for not keeping the focus where it belongs: on her husband. As he backs her up the steps, Wendy begs him not to hurt her and he replies:</span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">JACK: "Darling, light of my life, I'm not going to hurt you. You didn't let me finish my sentence. I said 'I'm not going to hurt you...I'm just going to bash your brains in!' I'm going to bash them right the fuck in."</span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Sure, Jack is great, but the real super-star here is Shelly Duvall. By all accounts, Kubrick was inordinately cruel to her on set, to the point where she fell ill for months, suffered from fainting spells between scenes and her hair started falling out in clumps. I wouldn't be surprised if the seed of her current <a href="https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/tv/2016/11/17/shining-actress-shelley-duvall-tells-dr-phil-shes-mentally-ill/94031976/">lamentable mental state</a> was planted on the set of <i>The Shining</i>. </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">In this scene, she isn't acting. She's just trying to get through it, which just so happens to be Wendy's motivation as well. All she wants to do is get away from Jack and get back to her room. Which begs the question: did Kubrick's unorthodox methods justify the means? Personally, I wouldn't have had the "belly for it" to paraphrase Grady, but it did result in one of the most memorable and authentic performances in cinema history. It's baffling and frankly unforgivable that Shelly Duvall was callously nominated for a Worst Performance Razzie Award in 1981. </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Wendy drags Jack's unconscious body into the food store room and locks him in. When Jack comes to, he tries to use every underhanded trick in the book to convince her to let him out, but she won't budge. When she tells him that she plans to take the snow cat into town and then come back with help, Jack ominously replies that she's got a "big surprise coming to her" and "she isn't going anywhere". </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Sure enough, Wendy discovers that Jack has disabled both the radio and the snow cat. As the realization dawns on Wendy that they're completely isolated now, we cut back to the store room where Delbert Grady turns up again. He mocks Jack, calling into question his ability to handle the escalating situation. Jack assures him that this is just a momentary hiccup and that he's fully committed to follow through on their verbal contract.</span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">GRADY: "I fear that you will have to deal with this matter in the harshest possible way, Mr. Torrance. I fear that is the only thing to do."<br /> </span><br />
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">JACK: "There's nothing I look forward to with the greater pleasure, Mr. Grady."</span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">That's when we hear the pin being removed from the lock. It's the only instance in the entire film where the environment gets physically manipulated by "spiritual forces". I have a theory about that, which I'll mention later, but if you take the film at face value and believe that the hotel is indeed rife with malevolent ghosts, this is your biggest piece of supporting evidence.</span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">From here on in it's just one visceral body blow after another. Drained, exhausted and oblivious to Jack's escape, Wendy falls asleep in their locked apartment. Danny wakes up, the voice of Tony muttering "REDЯUM, REDЯUM" over and over again. He picks up a knife, writes this cryptic word on the bathroom door and then starts to approach his sleeping mum. Does he intend to do her harm?</span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Watching this for the first time I could feel the hackles rising on my back as Tony's eerie mantra got increasingly louder and more shrill. Roused by the unsettling noise, Wendy wakes up and immediately embraces her son, even though he's standing over her with a butcher knife. Set to the cacophonous strains of the spine-jangling soundtrack, Wendy looks up and sees the word "REDЯUM" reversed in the mirror as "MURDER". At that self-same moment, the head of Jack's fire-axe hits the apartment door for the first time. </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">This is yet another bravura example of music, editing and deft camera work. I love the quick zoom in on "MURDER" just as the soundtrack kicks in. Also amazing is how Kubrick manages to keep the head of Jack's axe in the center of the frame every time he draws back and swings at the door. Sharp-eyed audience members will also notice that the music is largely absent while this is happening. </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Though terrified, Wendy has the presence of mind to gather up her son and the knife and retreat into the bathroom just as Jack breaks through. Shelley shoves Danny through the outside window / mail slot and then tries to follow suit but is surprised to learn that she's too big (!) to squeeze through. She tells him to run and hide and then turns back just as Jack makes his first connection with the bathroom door.</span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Moments before her psychotic husband is about to break through ("<i>HEEEEERE'S</i> JOHNNY!!!"), Jack hears the sound of a snow cat outside. He leaves her to stalk and murder the "intruder" Halloran with the axe, which has become another source of criticism of the film. I can sorta see this if only because Kubrick goes out of his way to show every step of Halloran's od</span><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">yssey to get back to the hotel. He finally gets there after an epic trek only to get hacked down by Jack as unceremoniously as a kid knocking over a pile of <i>Jenga</i> blocks. </span></span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">But there are many reason why things happen this way. First off it shows that Jack will murder anyone that stands in the way of his fantasy life at the hotel. On a merely practical level, it provides Wendy and Danny with a possible means of escape. Next it subverts audience expectations that anticipates some big clash between Jack and Halloran. Finally, I believe that it dove-tails with the film's theme which I'll touch on later.</span></span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Jack then chases Danny out of the hotel and into the nearby hedge maze. This leaves Wendy alone in the hotel, searching frantically for her son while trying to escape. This results in one memorable system shock after another for both the viewer and the beleaguered mom. </span></span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Kubrick annihilated what was left of my frazzled nerves by having Wendy stumble upon some sort of lurid, surreal, half-glimpsed costumed coupling going on behind a half-open door. Just thinking about this image and the teeth-jangling music always gives me chills because its so fucking inexplicable. My brain always short-circuits whenever I see it. I guess, in full disclosure, I need to add "furries" to my list of irrational fears, along with British kids and old hotels. </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Another jolt to the nerves. Another pause for air. At least when I went back to the movie that last time I could see the maze's exit in the distance. </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">After the costumed shenanigans, Wendy gets treated to the hotel's greatest hits package: including a zoom in on Halloran's bloody corpse, a formally-attired wraith with a massive head-wound who casually remarks "Great party, isn't it?", a dusty, cob-webbed chamber filled with funhouse skeletons and finally her own private showing of the blood-filled elevators. All told, it's a last final "fuck you" from Kubrick to all of those pretenders who claim to be "masters of horror". </span><br />
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By now, Danny has managed to outwit his psychotic pops in the maze by back-tracking in his own footsteps and jumping off the path. Jack roars by and Danny follows the prints out to the exit and reunites with his mom. They escape in the snow cat and we get one final smash cut into the harsh light of day and the jarring sight of a frozen Jacksicle. <br />
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Of course the movie can't end without yet another Kubrick-ian head-scratcher. The camera slowly zooms in on a photo hanging on the wall which shows an impossibly-young Jack standing front and center among a huge throng of period-attired revelers. The cryptic caption on the image reads "Overlook Hotel - July 4'th Ball, 1921."<br />
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At first I just assumed that Jack was either a re-incarnation or just a distant relative of someone who once worked at the hotel. This sort of explains why Jack was drawn there and why he has such an odd affinity for the place; a case of "ancestral recall" as it were. Now I think the entire <i>mise-en-scene</i> is just one big analogy. Specifically I think the Overlook Hotel is a representation of America, and everything that happens during the film is just a rumination on white privilege, cyclical abuse and historic gender roles.<br />
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Hearkening back to the roaring 20's is nothing new. Sure, it was a boom time, but it was also rife with racism and exploitation. It's the same myopic nostalgia that Donald Trump and his ilk have for the 1950's, which was a real Golden Age so long as you weren't black or a woman. I think the Overlook itself is an idealized view of the kind of America that people like Jack dream about.<br />
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America was built on the backs of natives, slaves and immigrants but the country's success has almost universally been claimed by white people. The film drives home this point when Ullman casually mentions that the hotel was built on an Indian burial ground and Jack later makes a non-sequitur reference to "white man's burden" while drinking with Lloyd. This is a reference to a hideously-racist poem written by Rudyard Kipling which posits that "civilized" nations should be encouraged, nay <i>obliged</i>, to help out more "primitive" races under the guise of imperialism.<br />
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This is also why Grady is so adamant that Jack eliminate "outsiders" like Halloran. It's to keep the environment, or "America" pure. Sound familiar? I also think that's why Halloran gets disposed of so easily. Kubrick shows him doing the right thing, busting his ass to respond to Danny's alert and come save the hotel that he has a vested interest in. But as soon as Halloran tries to right the wrongs, Jack just bombs in and cuts him down without hesitation in a selfish, wasteful moment of self-preservation. <br />
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As for the rest of the film, I believe that it's largely psychological. Jack, like the average guy, was probably told during a formative age that having sex with as many women as possible is a large part of being a man. I think that he got Wendy pregnant by mistake and was then baffled when those same societal forces demanded that he marry her and raise his son. Unable to reconcile these two directives, he now simmers away in a stew of resentment, silently wishing that they'd just go away because he thinks his life would be better without them. That's why he's hostile to them right from their first scene together. Remember, "All Work and No Play makes Jack a Dull Boy."<br />
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This resentment boils over from time to time, which results in physical and verbal abuse. That's why I believe Jack injured Danny in Room 237. After all, isn't the tennis ball that rolls towards Danny the very same ball that Jack was firing against the wall in those earlier
scenes? This also reaffirm's Halloran's belief that the visions are all harmless. Danny's coping visions aren't aren't going to leave a physical mark, but his father's hands will. <br />
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But what about Jack's own encounter encounter in Room 237? Well, I think the whole thing is a manifestation of his guilt over Wendy. When he sees the hottie in the tub he doesn't think twice about making out with her, because that's what happened when he met Wendy. But when the hottie starts to turn into something flawed, aged and imperfect, he's repulsed. <br />
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Now I hear you asking, "Wait a minute, Dave! What about Grady?" No worries, I was just getting to him.<br />
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You'll notice that every encounter that Jack that has with "ghosts" in the movie (save Room 237) is a positive experience. They're welcome residents in a fantasy world of his own creation. The same goes for Grady. There's a reason why Jack and Grady converse in a mirrored bathroom and why the bartender Lloyd seems to emerges from a mirror. I believe that Jack sees both of them as a reflection of his own self.<br />
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Grady and Lloyd are dichotomies: they may be servants, but they're <i>posh</i> servants. Jack sees himself in the exact same manner: he's a blue-collar shlub, workin' for "that man" but he has lofty ambitions. He's protective of the status quo yet resentful that this hasn't paid off in dividends yet. He's got the right skin color to match society's elite but not the right bank balance. <br />
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I think the reason why Grady is given two different first names and why Lloyd fucks up the drink order is because they're both constructs of Jack's psyche and the product of his own incompetence. Lloyd justifies Jack's drinking (I.E. insanity) while Grady is Jack's sounding board to work himself up to whacking his family. He sincerely thinks that by rebooting his personal life and keeping any "undesirables" away he'll finally get the full windfall of white privilege that's owned to him. This, in spite of the fact that Jack is lazy, entitled and seems himself as thoroughly blameless for his own lot in life. <br />
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Which brings me to Wendy. She's the glue that holds the family together, even if the family should be crumbling by rights. Have you noticed that Wendy is the only person who actually does any work? She cooks the meals, tidies the place up, keeps tabs on the weather, monitors the boilers and regularly checks in with the forest rangers. So when Jack suggests that Wendy is trying to get him to shirk his responsibilities to his employers, this almost comes off as laughable. <br />
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In contrast to the male paradigm of "go forth and conquer", women of Wendy's generation were told that they'll be successful if they found a reasonably-suitable man, got married and had babies. If the man is scarcely suitable, then women are told that she should do whatever they can to change him and if she can't improve him, this might be seen as some sort of personal failure. This holds especially true in the movie since Wendy is more apt to believe Danny's <span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">"crazy-woman-in-one-of-the- rooms" yarns then accept the fact that Jack hurt their son again.</span> <br />
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And I think that's why Wendy finally starts to see "spirits" during her escape from the hotel. She's forced to confront the fact that her <i>raison d'etre</i>, her husband, is a psychotic monster and this shatters her entire paradigm. The resulting shock causes her own psychotic breakdown, which manifests in all of the crazy shit she sees.<br />
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As for Danny, I believe his visions are just a symptom of the routine abuse he suffers at the hands of
his father. Tony is more than just an imaginary friend, he's part of split personality that ends up assuming control of the boy when the trauma becomes too much to bear. I also think that Tony is the one who releases Jack from the storage room because he wants Jack to get his comeuppance, perhaps at the hands of Halloran or Wendy. When this doesn't happen, it's up to Danny / Tony to lure Jack into the maze and make him pay for all the grief he's caused. Danny does this by literally back-tracking in his father's foot steps and not leading the vanguard into another cycle of abuse. <br />
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And finally, there's the photo. I really don't believe it represents a previous incarnation of Jack. I believe its a commentary on Jack's antiquated beliefs. Spiritually, he's more at home in 1921 then he's ever been in present day. Rather than see the flaws in the hotel and everything it stands for, Jack keeps glorifying the setting and the era. So instead of forging a real future with his family, his soul becomes forever lodged in what amounts to a <i>Star Trek</i>-ian temporal causality loop. <br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Or, hey, maybe the whole movie is just about evil spirits in a haunted house that goad a mentally unstable former alcoholic into trying to murder his wife and child.</i></span><br />
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I'm serious. Kubrick was once asked about symbolism in <i>The Shining</i> during a <a href="https://www.webcitation.org/5QSnEvFKT">interview</a> and he said that "For the purposes of telling the story, my view is that the paranormal is genuine. Jack's mental state serves only to prepare him for the murder, and to temporarily mislead the audience". He also went on to state, in no uncertain terms, that "the ballroom photograph at the very end suggests the reincarnation of Jack."<br />
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But that's what makes this movie so great. It's like the Dagobah tree in <i>The Empire Strikes Back</i>; viewers always take out of the film precisely what they bring into it.<br />
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Like I said before, <span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"><i>The Shining</i>
was practically pilloried by critics when it was first released. In addition to poor Shelly Duvall getting a wholly undeserved Razzie nomination for Worst Actress, Kubrick was inconceivably nominated for Worst Director. It's hysterically short sighted looking back on it now.</span><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"> </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Perhaps the film's most notable critic was Stephen King himself. He thought that
Kubrick had taken far too many liberties with the original source
material. Interestingly enough, when King personally oversaw a slavishly-faithful television movie version in 1997, the results were tepid and forgettable at best. </span><br />
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Personally, I think King hated this version because the character of Jack was largely autobiographical. King hated to see Jack portrayed as an asshole from the beginning because he took it as a personal affront but nothing could be further from the truth. I just think Stanley hated the idea of the audience having any sympathy at all for Jack. In Kubrick's eyes, Jack is a self-centered, misogynist, racist, serially abusive prick who's obsessed with self-betterment to the ruination of all else. <br />
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Whenever I re-watch the film I get the impression that Kubrick read King's novel at arms length. That distance and perspective gave him the ability to hone in on the novel's true subtext which he went on to underscore in his film version. The resulting picture is a lean and mean masterpiece. It's <span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">one of the most artistic, epic, psychologically-complex and
flat out terrifying movies ever unleashed on an unsuspecting public. </span><br />
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And every year I test the film again to see if it still holds sway over me and guess what? It never fails to <span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">frighten the crap outta me. Even now, just as I'm writing about it, I'm getting chills up and down my spine. </span><br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">So, for its memorable setting, brilliant cinematography, go-for-broke performances, labyrinthine subtext and eternally haunting, perverse imagery, <i>The Shining</i> scores a "4" out of "5" on the ol' Evil-O-Meter:</span><br />
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So, there you have it, kiddies! Join me again same time next year for yet another installment of my Obligatory Halloween Post.<br />
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<u>EPIC</u>: Even thought Kubrick is quoted as saying "If you submit it to a completely logical and detailed analysis of (a supernatural story) it will eventually appear absurd", it hasn't prevented cinephiles from dissecting every aspect of <i>The Shining</i> in excruciating detail. This resulted in the gloriously loopy doc <i>Room 237</i>, which isn't so much about the movie as it is about bending the interpretation of art just to suit your questionable agenda. <br />
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<u>ALSO EPIC (BUT FOR TOTALLY DIFFERENT REASONS)</u>: Stanley's daughter Vivian shot a "behind the scenes" doc during the making of <i>The Shining</i> that really gives a lot of insight into the production, particularly where it concerns the cast and crew dealing with her father's eccentricities. It's buried in the middle of this low-fi episode of BBC's "Arena" but its still worth a watch.<br />
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<u>FAIL</u>: There's a reason why movies are different from books, Stephen.<br />
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David Prettyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11223458627724051713noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1660706916750956362.post-79176751867450267512016-10-15T13:45:00.001-04:002016-10-19T15:19:09.668-04:00Bride of Obligatory Halloween PostHappy Samhain, Ya Sick F#cks! <br />
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Yeah, <i>I know, I know</i>...I said I wasn't gonna post here anymore, but I'll be damned if I let Halloween go by without telling y'all about yet another horror movie that scared the ever-lovin' shite outta me as a kid.<br />
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In the first entry of this series, I talked about some <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.ca/2010/10/obligatory-halloween-post.html">early childhood brushes with fear</a> that made me a life-long horror addict. I then proceeded to recount my own personal experience with such notorious nightmare fuel as <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.ca/2011/10/return-of-obligatory-halloween-post.html"><i>An American Werewolf in London</i></a>, <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.ca/2012/10/revenge-of-obligatory-halloween-post.html"><i>The Exorcist</i></a>, <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.ca/2013/10/son-of-obligatory-halloween-post.html"><i>The Texas Chainsaw Massacre</i></a>, <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.ca/2014/10/obligatory-halloween-post-walks-among-us.html"><i>Alien</i></a> and the <i>balls-to-the-wall</i> horror comedy <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.ca/2015/10/curse-of-obligatory-halloween-post.html"><i>The Return of the Living Dead</i></a>. <br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"> After </span><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Stephen King, </span><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">the Arbiter of All Things Scary, proclaimed this </span><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">year's repellent l'il entry </span>to be "the most ferociously original horror film of"1981, I felt compelled to seek it out somewhere in my mid-teens. </span>Particularly intriguing was this description of the picture in <i>Horrors: A History of Horror Movies</i>, written by clearly-traumatized movie scribes Tom Hutchinson and Roy Pickard:<br />
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<i>"Everything is troweled on without question - from twitching zombie faces to white-balled eyes through to twitching, severed limbs seen through a camera wielded as though by a whirling dervish. The writer-director...has gone so far over the top as to be out of sight."</i><br />
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This is the movie that almost single-handedly kicked off the whole "Video Nasties" debate in the U.K. (see "Fail" below), to the point where the film was even banned from distribution for two years back in 1983. Of course I'm talking about the one, the only... <br />
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<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Although <i>Evil Dead 2,</i> and <i>Army of Darkness</i> in particular, ventured increasingly deeper into the realm of horror comedies, there's still a lot of gruesome, <i>Grand Guignol</i>-style black humor inherent in the first<i> Evil Dead</i><i>.</i> This is made especially evident when you listen to Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell's Blu-Ray commentary track, during which the director and his lead actor gleefully poke holes through all of the film's flimsy bits.</span><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"> </span><br />
<br />
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Indeed, to say that <i>The Evil Dead</i>
was made on the cheap is like saying Donald Trump is "moderately
self-aware". I'm sure that while they were making their modest l'il horror picture, Sam Raimi
and producer Rob Tapert would never have guessed that it would eventually be subjected to the unforgiving
scrutiny of high-def digital home video. In fact, DVD,
and especially Blu-Ray, transfers are downright cruel to <i>The Evil Dead</i>. It makes the movie look like a pasty-faced cubicle monkey under the brutal glare of florescent lighting. </span></span><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">And that's why I think the movie should be viewed the same way<i> I </i>first saw it: on a crappy VHS tape that's been unspooled and re-spooled about a thousand times.</span><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"> </span><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"></span><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"> </span><br />
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"> </span><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"> </span><br />
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Eventually I screwed up the courage and slipped that nasty, ratty old videocassette into my parent's virginal VCR</span></span><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">. </span>Given all of the </span><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">hype,</span> I was 100% convinced that what I started to watch that fateful evening was evil incarnate.</span><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">I didn't see matte lines around the moon, seams in
the prosthetic makeup or dwell on the lousy performances.</span> </span><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">W<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">hat I saw thrilled
me at first. Then it horrified me. Then it repulsed me. By the time it was all
over and done with I felt as if I'd survived something traumatic with my wits scarcely intact.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">But before I get ahead of myself, lemme set the stage for you. Five college students travel to the world's most decrepit log cabin, which lies practically abandoned in the Tennessee backwoods. Even before someone has a chance to unpack and / or crack open a beer, the flighty, artsy Cheryl (Ellen Sandweiss) is inexplicably compelled to sketch the image of an ominous-looking book with a twisted face on it. Apparently nonplussed by her flirtation with demonic possession, she blithely shrugs it off as if she's just been visited by the world's scariest muse.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Not long after, Ash (Bruce Campbell) and Scotty (Hal Delrich) find a matching, flesh-bound tome in the cellar along with a convenient "book on tape" version. When they play the recording, it spouts off a chilling Sumerian incantation from what turns out to be the <i>Necronomicon</i>, I.E. the "Book of the Dead". The next thing we know, disembodied McNasties begin to appear in the woods and attempt to possess the kids. One gruesome set-piece follows after another.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Nowadays, it's really hard to believe that the seemingly jovial, impeccably-dressed, "Three Stooges"-loving, <i>Spider-Man</i> directing, <i>Xena</i>-producing Sam Raimi was once capable of presiding over the parade of cinematic depravities that followed. In fact, after watching </span><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">the character of Cheryl get molested by a friggin' tree</span><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">, I distinctly remember coming to the conclusion that this director was a certifiable deviant. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">The horrible sights kept piling on. A possessed Cheryl stabbed Ash's girlfriend Linda (Betsy Baker) in the ankle with a friggin' <i>pencil</i>, a sight that would cause even the most hardened gore-hound to wince reflectively. Then Shelly (Theresa Tilly) got co-opted by one of the "deadites" and attacked both Ash and Scotty with an ancient Sumerian dagger. After getting impaled, she then proceeded to <i>chew her own fucking hand off</i> to prevent Scotty from turning the weapon against her. Man, talk about <i>hardcore</i>. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">All the while she's making this horrible, high-pitched, guttural scream which made my blood turn into ice water. Scotty finally ended this assault on the senses by grabbing an axe from Ash and dismembering what was left of Shelly. To this day I can't believe that Raimi had the <i>cajones</i> to show the axe actually hacking through Shelly's limbs and then doubled down on the gross-out factor by training the camera's unblinking eye on all the disembodied bits flopping around on the floor. <i><b>*HURK!*</b> </i> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"><i>A-a-a-a-a-a-a-n-d</i> that's when I stopped the tape. I remember just sitting there stunned, as if someone had dropped an anvil, <i>Looney Tunes</i>-style, on my head. All I could think was: 'Wow, I like being scared as much as the next guy but clearly this Sam Raimi guy isn't playing with a full deck.'</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">After dry-heaving / hyperventilating into a paper bag for about ten minutes I screwed up the courage to press "Play" again. Yeah, <i>it didn't get any easier</i>. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Next up, Linda became the equivalent of a walking, talking demonic time-share and began torturing Ash in this creepy, sing-songy little girl voice that would drive anyone to homicide within about sixty seconds flat. Then, after braving the woods, Scotty returned to the cabin all messed up, presumably sporting a tree-trunk-sized poop shoot. For one brief, shining, blatantly-deceptive moment, Cheryl and Linda returned to normal. Off course, this prompted dumbAsh</span><span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"><span class="_Tgc">™</span> to let his guard down so the two spazzed out and nearly killed him. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Poor Ash, he did everything he possibly could to avoid dismembering his beloved possessed girlfriend, Linda. At first, he tried locking her out of the cabin but she snuck back in and tried to skewer him with the dagger. Heartbroken, Ash was finally forced to turn the weapon on her. Assuming that she was finally dead, he proceeded to do the proper, decent thing and bury Linda in the front yard. <i>Big mistake</i>.</span><br />
<br />
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Naturally, she popped back up again, screaming bloody murder all the while. Still hesitant to "kill" her, Ash tried the subdual approach by smoking Linda in the melon over and over again with what appeared to be a foam railroad tie. Despite the gratuitous level of head-trauma, she just kept coming at him over and over again, forcing our "hero" to admit defeat and decapitate his girlfriend with a shovel. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">"Hey, kids, are we having fun yet?" </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">The whole thing came to a <i>götterdämmerung</i> climax after the demonic husks of Scotty and Cheryl double-teamed Ash in the cabin, and not in a good way. Our hero temporarily managed to stave off certain death by pushing his thumbs through Scotty's milky-looking orbital sockets. Speaking as someone with a particular aversion to eye trauma, I distinctly remember watching <i>that</i> l'il pantomime through a web of interlocked fingers. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">When Ash noticed that Scotty's corpse began to smolder after the <i>Necronomicon</i> landed in close proximity to the fireplace, he tried to huck the book deep into the blaze. At the same time, Demon Cheryl started pounding on him with a fireplace poker whilst a blind (but apparently no less determined) Scotty began gummin' away at Ash's leg like that weasel in those Foghorn Leghorn cartoons. At that precise moment, <i>Evil Dead</i> managed to rip the "Most Horrible Thing Anyone Could Possibly Imagine Award" out of the rotting, skeletal mitts of <i>Return of the Living Dead</i> for me. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">When the <i>Necronomicon</i> was reduced to "briquette" status, I was then "treated" to one of the most sickeningly-creative amalgams of stop-motion animation, puppetry, live insect wrangling and what appears to be about a gallon of spoiled cream and partially-solidified oatmeal. Honestly, words fail me; you just have to see it for yourself.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">Regardless of the film's bargain-basement aesthetics and occasional veers into the realm of abject stupidity (honestly, how many times can Ash get "trapped" beneath that flimsy-looking bookshelf?), <i>The Evil Dead</i> is still a remarkable achievement. The germ of Sam Raimi's trademark creative camerawork is well on display here. Shaky-cam shots, cock-eyed perspectives and Dutch angles abound, but the level of creativity Raimi uses while applying these techniques is nothing short of genius. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore">For its incredibly-innovative visual panache, gritty and claustrophobic setting, inventive Grade-Z sensibilities and commitment to follow through on the sickest images imaginable, <i>The Evil Dead</i> easily earns a "4" on the Evil-O-Meter.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"><i>Just promise me, if'n her gonna watch it, try to see it on VHS first</i>.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-t_cTAYu0p8I/TqlsP9GO4YI/AAAAAAAAA1w/p7Vtc-sYnOk/s1600/evil.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-t_cTAYu0p8I/TqlsP9GO4YI/AAAAAAAAA1w/p7Vtc-sYnOk/s1600/evil.jpeg" /></a><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-t_cTAYu0p8I/TqlsP9GO4YI/AAAAAAAAA1w/p7Vtc-sYnOk/s1600/evil.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-t_cTAYu0p8I/TqlsP9GO4YI/AAAAAAAAA1w/p7Vtc-sYnOk/s1600/evil.jpeg" /></a><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-t_cTAYu0p8I/TqlsP9GO4YI/AAAAAAAAA1w/p7Vtc-sYnOk/s1600/evil.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-t_cTAYu0p8I/TqlsP9GO4YI/AAAAAAAAA1w/p7Vtc-sYnOk/s1600/evil.jpeg" /></a><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-t_cTAYu0p8I/TqlsP9GO4YI/AAAAAAAAA1w/p7Vtc-sYnOk/s1600/evil.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-t_cTAYu0p8I/TqlsP9GO4YI/AAAAAAAAA1w/p7Vtc-sYnOk/s1600/evil.jpeg" /></a></div>
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span id="app2558160538_myRatingCommentMore"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="text-decoration: underline;"></span></span></span></div>
<u>EPIC</u> Cool fan-made mini doc has some great sound bites from the demented minds behind <i>The Evil Dead.</i><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/SwZ3SLlZssg?rel=0" width="560"></iframe>
</div>
<br />
<u>VAGUELY "EPIC"</u> Here's my expanded <a href="http://entertainmenttourettes.blogspot.com/2011/10/halloween-short-cut-12-evil-dead-by.html">review</a> of the film originally posted on this site's sister blog, <a href="http://entertainmenttourettes.blogspot.com/">Entertainment Tourette's.</a><u> </u><br />
<br />
<u>FAIL</u> This particular doc details how <i>The Evil Dead</i> ran afoul of the draconian British ratings system, which clearly couldn't distinguish <i>quality</i> schlock from <i>schlock</i> schlock. <br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/3HykxDAfCmA?rel=0" width="560"></iframe>
</div>
David Prettyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11223458627724051713noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1660706916750956362.post-4254867544156905192016-09-02T16:44:00.000-04:002016-09-07T14:10:12.024-04:00So, This Thing Happened...Peace, Patient Perusers!<br />
<br />
It's been nearly a year since I last felt compelled to write a post here but something very, very important happened this spring which virtually demands that I do an update. An update which, mercifully, has nothing to do with a dead celebrity or trying to save the country from political <i>seppuku</i>.<br />
<br />
Six years ago ("Yikes!") I left a miserable, soul-deadening call center job. My goal: fulfill a life-long dream of being paid to write. In retrospect, it was a pretty daunting task, especially when you read some of those early posts. <i>Cripes</i>, I just wince at some of that stuff now. <br />
<br />
Given the absence of any sort of guiding force in my life, I started up this very same therapeutic blog and then self-published my <a href="https://www.amazon.com/DeathQuest-Saga-Brothers-Keeper/dp/146096845X/ref=la_B004RAQT7C_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1472828053&sr=1-1&refinements=p_82%3AB004RAQT7C%2Cp_n_feature_browse-bin%3A2656022011">first novel</a>. The former turned out to be a great way to "hone my craft", as pretentious jack-holes say, while the latter turned out to be a
genuine labor of love as well as a surprising, if minor, source of revenue.<br />
<br />
Intoxicated by the immediate feedback that comes part n' parcel with blogging, I added two new efforts: one which
encapsulates my love for <a href="http://entertainmenttourettes.blogspot.ca/">all things entertaining</a> and one which celebrates my obsession
for <a href="http://yetanotherfriggingamingblog.blogspot.ca/">tabletop games</a>. Each new venture got more attention than the last in terms of hit count and feedback but unfortunately it did precious little to improve my bank balance. <br />
<br />
With my savings slowly bleeding out, I was forced to take on a
part-time job. This actually turned out to be an unexpected boon since it dovetailed nicely
with my interests, kept my days free to write and introduced me a whole platoon of
awesome new people.<br />
<br />
During this time the odd writing and / or editing gig came down the pike, but it typically involved helping out a friend or a family member. I don't count those as legit jobs since, IMHO, three criteria need to be fulfilled in order to really call yourself a writer. They are:<br />
<ol>
<li>An impartial
party must either requisition you to write a story or agree to publish
something you've written based solely on the quality of your work or your body of work in general.</li>
<li>The resulting publication has to be readily available for people to read <i>en masse</i>.</li>
<li>You needs to get paid,<i> yo</i>. </li>
</ol>
Over the last six years, I've deliberately refrained from calling myself a WRITER. When asked what I do I'd always tell people "I like to write" or "I've written a book" but I'd never be so bold as to call myself a WRITER since I hadn't met all three of conditions
listed above. I could have, I suppose, but it would have been the equivalent of posting me reciting a six-second snippet from an <i>Othello</i> soliloquy on Vine and then calling myself a master thespian. <br />
<br />
So what I'm trying to say, in the most roundabout way possible, is that this happened:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-KUelbjorWfE/V8nfAKsWG7I/AAAAAAAATfk/YkyghINN2X4q1376AGOnTTxHMHWeD_qmwCLcB/s1600/img005.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-KUelbjorWfE/V8nfAKsWG7I/AAAAAAAATfk/YkyghINN2X4q1376AGOnTTxHMHWeD_qmwCLcB/s640/img005.jpg" width="462" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
The
funny thing is it didn't happen the way everyone told me it should happen. It didn't happen because I blanketed every periodical in the nation with random query letters and pitches. It happened because I was lucky enough to get an invite to a very cool Meetup event that had nothing to do with writing and during the Meetup someone asked me what I did and I said "I like to write" and then after the Meetup I wrote an informal
recount of the Meetup and then one of
the people that read it turned out to be an editor and then several months later he contacted me outta the blue and said "Hey, you can write! Do
you wanna write this thing for money?" and I said "Hell's to the yeah!" and then I wrote it.<br />
<br />
Notwithstanding the fact that my editor, Joey, would be well within his rights to fire my lame ass after reading that last run-on sentence, this all took place, in the immortal words of Emperor Palpatine, "according to my desires". Lend me a few moments of your time, Kind Reader, and I shall endeavor to elaborate.<br />
<br />
When I started this crazy quest six years ago I had two choices: <br />
<ol>
<li>I could spend all of my time composing and sending out unsolicited queries, the equivalent of throwing darts at a dartboard blindfolded, and then drown under the resulting tsunami of a trillion rejection letters OR...</li>
<li>I could I work my ass off to become a reasonably-competent writer and
hope that eventually someone with authority and discriminating tastes would recognize that I have some semblance of talent and roll the dice.</li>
</ol>
I decided to pursue Option #2 and now I'd like to take this opportunity to invite all the naysayers to merrily SUCK IT. In fact, seeing this story in print finally gives me the authority to hoist a great big middle finger up to certain people (you know who you are) who wanted to see me waste my time collecting a ream of rejection letters, get demoralized, "come to my senses", throw in the towel and then crawl back to the same shitty job that I left six years ago.<br />
<br />
Now
don't get me wrong; things still ain't a bed o' roses. Between the part-time
job and the writing gigs, I'm still not making anywhere close to the bank that the crappy call center job provided. Also, if I had my druthers I'd much rather be writing about social issues, creative people and board games, but ,hey, I gotta go where the money is now. <br />
<br />
Even if I'm eventually forced to tap out and take a
full-time job for purely mercenary reasons, these personal achievements will
always be there. <i>They can't be undone</i>. Regardless of what happens to me over the next few years, no-one
will be able to strip this triumph away for me.<br />
<br />
And to all of my loyal readers out there: thanks for visiting this blog and thanks for your support, whether it was active, passive or just plain karmic. Without your precious hit counts and feedback to spur me on, I'm convinced that none of this would ever have happened. <br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>***</b></span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<u><b>EPIC</b></u> </div>
<br />
Well, since that thing I mentioned above happened (and apparently
happened reasonably well) <a href="http://halifaxchamber.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/BusinessVoice_JulyAug2016_LR.pdf"><i>this</i></a> thing happened (see page 14) and then <a href="http://thechronicleherald.ca/sites/default/files/special_publication/QEII-June-2016_0.pdf"><i>this</i></a> thing (see page 6) and then <a href="http://halifaxchamber.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/Business-Voice-Sept-2016_LR.pdf"><i>this</i></a> thing (check out page 18).<br />
<br />
In fact, I'm pleased to report that at least five (!)
other things are scheduled to happen over the next few months. Stay tuned, Tireless Reader! We're just gettin' warmed up! <br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<u><b>FAIL</b></u></div>
<br />
No fail today. Today is all about the EPIC. David Prettyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11223458627724051713noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1660706916750956362.post-30970427038154664792015-10-31T16:31:00.002-04:002022-07-04T10:05:23.691-04:00Curse Of Obligatory Halloween Post<span style="font-size: medium;">Happy Halloween, Ya L'il Rotterz!<br />
<br />
Many moons ago, I started a blog series about the things that scared the ever-livin' poop outta me as a kid. It started simple, with my first recollections of fear in general, which I recounted right <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.ca/2010/10/obligatory-halloween-post.html">hur</a>. Then it moved on to catalog all of the horror movies that scared me silly growing up, starting with <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.ca/2011/10/return-of-obligatory-halloween-post.html"><i>An American Werewolf in London</i></a> and moving on to <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.ca/2012/10/revenge-of-obligatory-halloween-post.html"><i>The Exorcist</i></a>, <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.ca/2013/10/son-of-obligatory-halloween-post.html"><i>The Texas Chainsaw Massacre</i></a> and the original <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.ca/2014/10/obligatory-halloween-post-walks-among-us.html"><i>Alien</i></a>.<br />
<br />
Needless to say, I really wanna continue this trend, but maybe lighten things up a bit this year. And when I say "a bit" I really only mean "a smidge." 'Cuz, let me tell ya, my next pick really freaked the hell out of me!<br />
<br />
</span><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: medium;"><u><b>The Return of the Living Dead (1985)</b></u></span></div>
<span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
</span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-EwazQA8htbI/TqlueNaKMvI/AAAAAAAAA14/2JxocqEOB34/s1600/rotld.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-EwazQA8htbI/TqlueNaKMvI/AAAAAAAAA14/2JxocqEOB34/s1600/rotld.jpeg" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
Yes, <i>The Return of the Living Dead</i> is another horror comedy. What can I say, I was a really sheltered kid. <br />
<br />
Just like in <i>American Werewolf in London</i>, writer/director Dan O'Bannon wasted no time establishing a creepy atmosphere. Frank (James Karen), a supervisor at a medical warehouse, tries to spook his dim new protege Freddy (Thom Mathews) by telling him that the events in George A. Romero's seminal zombie movie <i>Night of the Living Dead</i> actually happened <i>fo' realz</i>.<br />
<br />That film had already made an indelible impression on me, so I was already pre-sold on a follow-up of sorts. That is until Frank told Freddy that one of the living dead corpses was actually stashed in the basement underneath their very feet. Hat's off to actor James Karen for taking what could very well have been a boring scene of pure exposition and turning it into a creepy campfire yarn. Sorry, James, I know you passed away in 2018 but if I run into you in the afterlife I'm gonna punch you right in your spectral nards for traumatizing me so badly as a kid. <br />
<br />
Of course these two chuckle-heads wandered down into the basement and, within record time, they managed to break the seal on the zombie canister. Pretty soon the entire facility was flooded with some sort of toxic nerve gas, which apparently was all the excuse Dan O'Bannon needed to trot out one darkly humorous and brain-noshingly dreadful set piece after another. <br />
<br />
First, one of the anatomical cross-section dogs came to life and started barking and growling. Freddy and Frank then proceeded to beat the vile thing into a second death with crutches. Now, as a twisted adult, I always laugh my ass off when I re-watch this scene, but back then I thought it was the sickest, most reprehensible thing I'd ever laid eyes on. Man, I was such a <i>Republican...</i><br />
<br />
To make matters worse, O'Bannon uses nudity for shock value when one of the jaundiced-looking corpses in the meat locker starts running around buck naked and attacking people. Even after our gormless duo manage to decapitate the thing, it just springs back up again and starts running around like a headless plucked chicken. Again, I find this to be hysterically funny now, but back then, the sight of a nude, homicidal, headless corpse attacking people while they screamed their lungs out really shattered my nerves. <br />
<br />
After Mutt and Jeff finally managed to subdue the frenetic corpse by hacking it into pieces (!), they came up with the brilliant idea of burning the remains in the crematorium. This only served to send toxic smoke skyward, which then fell back down to earth in the form of rain. Of course, when the tainted rainwater bled into the ground, scores of horrifically-decomposed corpses started popping up out of their graves like rigor-mortis-inflicted Sea Monkeys. <br />
<br />
Even before the first twenty minutes of the film was over, my mind had been thoroughly and completely blown and it was now leaking out of my left ear. So I just sat there and gurgled as O'Bannon kept troweling on one body blow after another. I watched slack-jawed as the punk rocker Trash, played by cherished scream queen Linnea Quigley decided, for no apparent reason, to do a striptease on top of a graveyard crypt. Not long after she got duly enchompinated and came back as a zombie who was clearly free of any body image issues. <br />
<br />
And, let me tell ya, folks, these ghouls didn't play by the old rules. They didn't even have the common courtesy to drop after you blasted them square in the mush! You practically hafta stuff 'em into a blender and put 'em on frappe for at least three minutes. Also, unlike the dazed-looking extras wearing a few scattered facial appliances and scars in <i>Night of The Living Dead</i>, <i>Return's </i>zombies are all rotted, gross and nasty. Just Google "Half-Corpse" and "Tar Man" and you'll see exactly what I'm talking about.<br />
<br />
There's one other important way in which these guys differ from Romero's living dead: they can haul major ass! Watching them swarm military and police barriers with ease was enough to scare the fertilizer outta me. Bonus points: O'Bannon's ghouls are also positively chatty! The scene in which a zombie uses a police and ambulance radio to place a "Skip The Dishes" brains order is completely hilarious, but at the time the humor was completely lost on me. My psyche was on total lock down by that point.<br />
<br />
There were more gut-wrenching scenes to come. After directly inhaling the toxic gas, Freddy started to succumb to the zombification process. But before that happened, he had a gut-wrenching re-union with his girlfriend Tina who, naturally, degenerates into a total as she watches him go from dead to living dead. Eventually she's forced to flee from him and the other characters bar him up in another room. <br />
<br />
Thom Mathews gives a brutal, go-for broke performance here, delivering his E.C.comics-inspired lines so well that they haunt me to this very day:</span><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/Y-AQJk-1DLk" title="YouTube video player" width="560"></iframe> </div>
</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;">Sorry, but that's just creepy as f#@$. <br />
<br />
For its complete lack of scruples, copious amounts of nudity, amazing gore and makeup effects, eerie lines, and over-the-top performances, <i>Return of the Living Dead</i> also scores a "3" on the Evil-O-Meter.<br />
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.
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-t_cTAYu0p8I/TqlsP9GO4YI/AAAAAAAAA1w/p7Vtc-sYnOk/s1600/evil.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-t_cTAYu0p8I/TqlsP9GO4YI/AAAAAAAAA1w/p7Vtc-sYnOk/s1600/evil.jpeg" /></a><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-t_cTAYu0p8I/TqlsP9GO4YI/AAAAAAAAA1w/p7Vtc-sYnOk/s1600/evil.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-t_cTAYu0p8I/TqlsP9GO4YI/AAAAAAAAA1w/p7Vtc-sYnOk/s1600/evil.jpeg" /></a><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-t_cTAYu0p8I/TqlsP9GO4YI/AAAAAAAAA1w/p7Vtc-sYnOk/s1600/evil.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-t_cTAYu0p8I/TqlsP9GO4YI/AAAAAAAAA1w/p7Vtc-sYnOk/s1600/evil.jpeg" /></a><br />
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<span style="font-size: medium;"><b>***</b></span></div>
<span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
So, there you have it for another year, kiddies! Join me again next year, same bat-time, same bat-channel for a new installment of my Obligatory Halloween Post!<br />
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<u>EPIC BEHIND-THE-SCENES DOC</u> I went completely off the deep end when DVD's first came out, thanks to amazing in-depth, "making of" docs like this one:</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/5GiNejfOLD4" title="YouTube video player" width="560"></iframe></div>
<u><br /></u></span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><u>SEQUEL FAIL</u> Turns out, Dan O'Bannon made a much better follow up to <i>Night of the Living Dead</i> then it's co-creator did. Watch now in amusement as Internet sensation Dr. Wolfula sinks his teeth into John A. Russo's excrementally awful <i>Children of the Living Dead</i>.<br />
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</div>David Prettyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11223458627724051713noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1660706916750956362.post-37793096883614560452015-09-19T11:06:00.002-04:002015-10-18T18:35:45.373-04:00"____" Reasons To Vote STRATEGIC A.B.C. On October 19'th<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Greetings, Persistent Purveyors of Political Prudence!<br />
<br />
Well, if anything was going to inspire me to blow the dust offa the ol' Emblogification Capture Device, it was a new federal election. After all I've used this particular platform to rail against Herr Harper on four separate occasions: <br />
<ol>
<li>Way back on <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.ca/2011/04/hes-evil-i-tells-ya-eeeeeee-vil.html">April 26, 2011</a> I cautioned my fellow Canadians about the dangers of voting for Harper's pack of preppie douchebags. The good news is, sixty-one percent of youze guys listened to me. The bad news is, thanks to Harper's electioneering and our own cock-eyed political system, all of those left-leaning votes got split up amongst three different parties which allowed the Refor...er, Allianc...er the "Conservatives" to capture the long sought-majority that they've sacrificing all those goats for since 2006.</li>
<li>On March 7, 2012, not even a year into Harper's <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nbZjGGWk528">Palpatine-like mandate</a>, I decided to do a <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.ca/2012/03/lemme-checkyep-still-evil.html">follow up entry</a>. I quickly discovered that Our Supreme Leader had done a lot more irreparable harm to our beloved country than I originally feared. Between hideous violations of privacy, drunken taxpayer wastage, blatant attacks on scientists, the gutting of the CBC and criminal-style election fraud, all I could do was catalog these escalating violations with disgust and wince at the prospects of yet another three years under this despot.</li>
<li>Just three short months later, on June 21, 2012, I was inspired to <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.ca/2012/06/self-inflicted-wounds.html">take up quill and paper again</a> "thanks" to the the pork-stuffed C-38 omnibus bill. After researching this Frankensteinian hunk of legislation I just had to kick back against what can only be interpreted as a blatant attack on the middle class, retirees, aboriginal people, the environment, food safety standards, and our autonomy from the United States. </li>
<li>Then, back on May 22, 2014, I felt compelled to share two decades worth of recollections about our Crime Mon(i)ster via <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.ca/2014/05/the-quotable-harper.html">The Quotable Harper</a>. My goal with this entry was to show young people and Canadians with short-term memories that Harper is nothing more than a maple-syrup flavored Neo-Con corporate puppet like his Republican idols down south. And I proved this in simplest manner possible: by using Harper's own words against him.</li>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>*** </b></span></div>
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By rights I should have done a post about the downright-Orwellian <a href="https://ca.news.yahoo.com/blogs/canada-politics/bill-c-51-for-dummies-233750439.html">Bill C-51</a> but by the time it sluiced through Parliament, ye olde ECD was winding down and I was getting kinda depressed by the apparent inevitability of it all. But now, with a new election hurtling towards us like a Mack truck with a giant Green Goblin Harper face mounted to the front, I can't stand idly by in good conscience while the Conservatives have even the slightest chance of forming a government in <i>any</i> capacity.<br />
<br />
And, yes, I know everyone thinks that the Cons are <a href="http://www.theglobeandmail.com/globe-debate/why-stephen-harper-is-toast/article26287563/">on the ropes</a> but frankly I'm not one to underestimate the inherent incompetency of our fucked-up political system or Harper's capacity to scare the shit out of people with his all-purpose boogeyman threat of "terrorism" or xenophobia. <br />
<br />
So, here then are...<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<u><b>"???" Reasons to Vote <span style="font-size: large;">STRATEGIC</span> A.B.C. On October 19'th</b></u></div>
<ol>
</ol>
<b>(1) "Sorry, I Had No Idea How This Machine Works."</b> He's exhibited nothing but <a href="http://www.peicanada.com/eastern_graphic/article_615b626a-5652-11e5-9bc9-8f4d147afce8.html">sheer contempt</a> for the traditions and institutions that define our own unique brand of democracy, whether it be the concept of federalism, allocating sufficient time to debate important issues or the rulings of the Supreme Court. <br />
<br />
<br />
<b>(2) "Ignore Us Your Poor, Your Tired, You're Huddled Masses..."</b> Maybe if the Conservatives didn't view so many asylum seekers as “<a href="http://www.thestar.com/opinion/commentary/2015/09/09/syrian-refugee-crisis-exposes-harpers-ideological-choices.html">bogus refugees</a>” we might have been spared <a href="http://www.mercurynews.com/nation-world/ci_28751059/syrian-refugee-crisis-drowned-boys-family-had-lost">these</a> horrifying images back on September 2'nd.<br />
<br />
<b>(3) "I Thought 'Blowback' Was Just A Ron Howard Movie About Firefighters."</b> If you think that I approve of fluid borders and letting hordes of refugees into Canada, then you'd be wrong. I'm a firm proponent of getting your own house in order before inviting guests. In the same breath you can't expect to <a href="http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/politics/canadian-jets-drop-first-bombs-in-syria/article23850987/">bomb</a> and <a href="http://www.250news.com/2015/09/04/refugee-crisis-and-the-destabilization-of-the-middle-east/">destabilize</a> other nations for nine long years and <i>not</i> expect a refugee crisis. Where I come from if you make a mess then you're obliged to clean it up! <br />
<br />
<b>(4) "Peezekeeping Iz Fer Weenerz."</b> Remember when we used to help patch up the planet instead of fucking it up? Well, under Harper's war-hawkian watch, Canada has <a href="http://www.thestar.com/news/world/2014/10/31/how_canada_has_abandoned_its_role_as_a_peacekeeper.html">slipped dramatically</a> in its role as the planet's most trusted peace-keeper.<br />
<br />
<b>(5) "Hey, The Military-Industrial Complex Ain't Gonna Feed Itself!"</b> Speaking of tub-thumping for war, if Harper had been Prime Minister with a majority back in 2003 then it's pretty durned likely that we would have been complicit in the <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPVOhva_cwI">illegal invasion of Iraq</a>.<br />
<br />
<b>(6) "Um, Yeah, The Election's Actually On The 20'th. Yeah, <i>That's</i> The Ticket!"</b> In a move taken directly from the Neo-Con playbook, the Conservatives crammed Bill C-23, with its ironically titled "Fair Elections Act" through Parliament. This was designed to severely curtail the chief electoral officer's freedom to use “any media or other means” to give people the information they need to exercise their “democratic right to vote.” But Elections Canada is still <a href="http://www.canada.com/news/politics/freed+from+constraints+elections+canada+launch+campaigns/11360709/story.html">fighting the good fight</a>, using loopholes in the bill's verbiage to try and safeguard our most basic tenants of of democracy. <br />
<br />
<b>(7) "Sure Voter Fraud Is Rampant. Why, There's An Entire...<i>Handful</i> Of Cases!"</b> As if muzzling Elections Canada wasn't sleazy enough, Harper also instituted the sort of superfluous <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/federal-election-2015-voter-id-rules-stand-judge-rules-1.3156519">voter ID laws</a> that the Republicans in the States have been salivating for. Despite the fact that there's been <a href="http://www.thestar.com/news/canada/2014/03/07/author_of_report_contradicts_conservatives_on_voter_fraud.html">little to no voter fraud</a> in the history of our nation, Harper weaseled this thing into existence for the express purpose of making it harder for students, seniors and native Canadians to vote in this election. Harper is relying on us to be <a href="http://www.elections.ca/content.aspx?section=vot&dir=reg&document=index&lang=e">unregistered</a> or have insufficient <a href="http://www.elections.ca/content2.aspx?section=id&document=index&lang=e">ID</a> so that our power to kick him in the cubes politically is diminished. So be vigilant, folks, and make sure that you've crossed all your "T's" and dotted all your "I's" before you go to the polls on October 19'th.<br />
<br />
<b>(8) "Sure, I Believe In The Freedom Of The Press. <span style="font-size: xx-small;">To Freedom For The Press To Go F#ck Themselves</span>."</b> In a healthy democracy, a free, muck-racking, independent press is the bleach used to kill the bacteria of corruption. Which is why Harper <a href="http://www.thestar.com/news/insight/2015/06/21/government-by-photo-op-how-stephen-harper-froze-out-ottawas-press-corps.html">despises the media with the fire of a million suns</a>.<br />
<br />
<b>(9) "<i>LA! LA! LA!</i> I Can't Hear You!"</b> Since Harper's less-than-keen on journalists, why the hell would he bother to lift a finger for one who's currently being <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/world/mohamed-fahmy-egyptian-court-1.3218807">illegally detained in Egypt</a>?<br />
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<b>(10) "My Favorite Batman Hero Is Two-Face. <span style="font-size: xx-small;">Whattaya Mean Two-Face Isn't The Hero?</span>"</b> Since I'm old enough to remember the borderline fascist Reform / Alliance party that Harper used to belong to, it really doesn't surprise me that his gang of misfits have said some <a href="https://www.itk.ca/media/media-release/national-aboriginal-leaders-want-stephen-harper-explain-writings-tom-flanagan">none-too-flattering things</a> about indigenous people. In fact one of Harper's former speech-writers has recently <a href="http://www.buzzfeed.com/aptn/paul-bunner-stephen-harper-residential-school-apology#.oqadrwKVpn">gone on record to say</a> that Harper's 2008 public apology to Indian residential school survivors was a “strategic attempt to kill the story” and "move on to a better relationship between Natives and Non-Natives". Stay classy, Harper.<br />
<br />
<b>(11) "It Isn't Really High On Our Radar."</b> Good gravy, <i>that's an actual real quote</i>. Harper's <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/aboriginal/stephen-harper-s-comments-on-missing-murdered-aboriginal-women-show-lack-of-respect-1.2879154">epic-level ennui</a> when it comes to over <i>twelve-hundred</i> missing aboriginal women is reason enough to shit-can this cold-blooded lizard who's doing such a poor job masquerading as one of us. <br />
<br />
<b>(12) "We Stand On Guard For...Oil."</b> What makes me really angry is that Harper is already assuming that the environmental ruin that comes part and parcel with Chevron's Pacific Trails Pipeline, the TransCanada Coastal Gaslink and the Enbridge North Gateway is as inevitable as pumpkin spice lattes in October. As such, representatives from these companies keep barging onto Wet’suwet’en land, trying to survey it like an undertaker measuring a sick man for a coffin. Thankfully, the Unist'ot'en clan, led in part by Freda Huson, keep fighting a noble battle to prevent these ancient and unspoiled lands from being annihilated by a dirty, inefficient and antiquated industry. This <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aiVxyLb1hJA">video</a>, which briefly documents their campaign, makes me weep with pride and sadness whenever I watch it. <br />
<br />
<b>(13) "Look On The Bright Side, Now That Alberta Is Mordor<i>, Lord Of The Rings</i> Tourism Is <i>Way</i> Up."</b> Two words for you: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sjia7BsP4Bw">TAR SANDS</a>. Y'know, for a <a href="http://thetyee.ca/Opinion/2012/03/26/Harper-Evangelical-Mission/">religious dude</a> Harper doesn't seem to care too much about God's country.<br />
<br />
<b>(14) "God Money I'll Do Anything for You."</b> Then again, there's no higher authority in Harper's world than corporate wealth. Just look at the <a href="http://www.macleans.ca/economy/economicanalysis/how-the-conservatives-are-gutting-tobacco-control/">ridiculous ends</a> he's going through just to keep the tobacco industry on life support. <br />
<br />
<b>(15) Harper Isn't An Economist: Part 1</b>. Harper still clings to the belief that "dropping our tax rate has not caused the government's corporate income tax revenues to fall, which indicates that it does in fact attract business." Unfortunately there's a pesky l'il thing called <a href="http://"Dropping our tax rate has not caused the government's corporate income tax revenues to fall, which indicates that it does in fact attract business."">facts</a> that doesn't jibe with this assertion.<br />
<br />
<b>(16) "I'm Not Fond Of Trees But I Really Love Eyesores."</b> Y'know something, <a href="http://globalnews.ca/news/1817479/canada-post-superboxes-in-surrey-raided-by-thieves/">these effin' things</a> alone alone should be enough to get us all enraged. The Conservatives slashed a bunch of good, door-to-door mail delivery jobs just so they could waste taxpayer money on these "super" mailboxes. How much you wanna bet that they'll all look like something out of <i>Mad Max: Fury Road</i> by the time spring rolls around next year? Ultimately this is yet another major middle finger to seniors who'll be forced to climb over McKinley-sized snowbanks this winter just to chisel their mail outta these things like ancient scrolls recovered from the gullet of glacier-imprisoned woolly mammoths.<br />
<br />
<b>(17) Harper Isn't An Economist: Part 2</b>. You can expect Harper to flog <a href="http://www.thestar.com/news/canada/2015/09/14/federal-government-posts-surprise-19b-surplus.html">this minor triumph</a> like a rented mule over the next few weeks but what he wont talk about is how he plundered <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2015/04/21/ei-fund-budget-surplus-canada-2015_n_7113322.html">EI premiums</a>, <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/1-1b-meant-for-veterans-returned-to-federal-treasury-critics-say-1.2841417">veteran's affairs</a>, <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2015/06/05/aboriginal-affairs-spendi_n_7517406.html">aboriginal resources</a> and other social programs in order to do it. <br />
<br />
<b>(18) "Elizabeth May? Where? <i>Where...?!?</i>" </b>Even after serving as the ersatz leader of our great country for the past nine years, Harper still pees a little and tries to hide in the nearest closet every time someone mentions the name of the classy and intelligent leader of the <a href="http://www.nationalobserver.com/2015/09/14/opinion/four-reasons-why-stephen-harper-wont-debate-elizabeth-may">Green Party</a>. <br />
<br />
<b>(19) "I Have Decided To Remain Silent On The Grounds That It <i>Will</i> Incriminate Me." </b>Look, it's bad enough that no less then four of your affiliated senators, namely Patrick Brazeau, Mike Duffy, Mac Harb and Pamela Wallin are all being investigated for fraud and breach of trust. But to try and stymie the information commissioner's investigation by playing <a href="http://news.nationalpost.com/news/canada/canadian-politics/information-commissioner-taking-pmo-to-court-over-withholding-senate-documents-senate-pco-atip">keep-away with important documents</a> is particularly greasy. <i>Hmmmm</i>, I wonder if Harper's favorite <i>Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle</i> hero is Shredder? "Shredder"... <i>geddit? </i>'Cuz he's "shredding" documents? *Ahem*. <br />
<br />
<b>(20) Conservatives Say The Darndest Things - Part One.</b> As far as I can determine Harper's remaining devotees consist of the following people: (1) People who are laboring under the mistaken belief that Harper is still a <i>Progressive</i> Conservative and not an Alliance / Reform extremist with the serial numbers filed off. (2) Our own version of Fox News viewers (R.I.P. Sun News) who really do subscribe to his <a href="http://thetyee.ca/Opinion/2015/09/14/Covert-Evangelism-Stephen-Harper/?utm_source=twitter&utm_medium=social&utm_content=091415-1&utm_campaign=editorial-0915">creepy goal</a> to return us all to the 1950's. (3) Racist assholes who want any excuse publicly double down on this whole <i>niqab</i> crap. Sorry, <i>spoiler alert</i>...see #39 below. (4) Rich assholes looking for tax breaks. (5) Corporate Assholes looking for tax breaks. Case in point, remember <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qv6Pq5nNjN4">this clown</a>? The reason this story resonated so much is because we've all debated Conservative Harper supporters in the past and they all sound like this jerk. As soon as you confront them with pesky facts they get belligerent, turtle and then take their ball and go home.<br />
<br />
<b>(21) "</b><b>Sure I Believe In Freedom Of Speech. <span style="font-size: xx-small;">The Freedom Of Speakers To Go F#ck Themselves</span>." </b>Y'know, when Harper introduced strict protocols limiting what scientists can say to the press about their research I knew that this would likely be used to <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/technology/faq-the-issues-around-muzzling-government-scientists-1.3079537">limit criticism of government interference</a>. What I never expected in a million years is that a scientist would be suspended just for writing a simple <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/harperman-tony-turner-scientist-investigation-1.3207390">protest song</a>. "In Soviet Canada, song protest you!"<br />
<br />
<b>(22) "David Suzuki? Where? <i>Where...?!?</i>"</b> If the venerable and respected broadcaster, activist, and scholar David Suzuki thinks that re-electing Harper once again would be "<a href="http://www.winnipegfreepress.com/local/Harper-re-election-would-be-terrible-for-Canada-David-Suzuki-says-328450351.html">terrible for Canada</a>" then we really need to prick up our ears. <br />
<br />
<b>(23) "My Favorite R. Kelly Album is <i>Trapped In The Closet</i>."</b> Remember when that lone wingnut shot up parliament last October? More to my point do you remember how our illustrious leader <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/ottawa-shooting-stephen-harper-tells-mps-he-s-sorry-he-left-during-attack-1.2816912">reacted to this crisis</a>? Quick refresher: he essentially did what a toddler would do when mommy and daddy start arguing with one another down in the kitchen. <br />
<br />
<b>(24) "Sure I Believe In The Charter Of Rights And Freedoms. <span style="font-size: xx-small;">The Right and Freedom For You To Go F#ck Yourself.</span>" </b>Edgar Schmidt, a high-profile lawyer working for the federal justice department decided to sue his employer over some <a href="http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/lawyers-lawsuit-highlights-ottawas-court-clashes-over-charter-rights/article26449862/">incredibly dubious directives</a> that are clearly designed to give the Conservatives more wiggle room to erode our beloved Charter of Rights and Freedoms. The justice department responded to Schmidt's lawsuit by putting him on an unpaid suspension for six months. Seriously does anyone even recognize our country anymore?<br />
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<b>(25) "Civil Liberties? Folks, That's Not The Country We Live In."</b> Sadly, that's a <a href="http://www.pressprogress.ca/conservative_candidate_on_c51_civil_liberties_folks_thats_not_the_country_we_live_in">real quote</a>, uttered by Calgary-Signal Hill Conservative candidate Ron Liepert during a debate back on the 20'th of September. It was in response to an audience member who understandably expressed trepidations about Bill C-51's assault on our civil liberties. Liepert claims that criminals "had too many damn rights" and police needed more powers to "pursue and prosecute when necessary". This, of course, is completely contrary to the fact that <a href="http://www.statcan.gc.ca/pub/11-630-x/11-630-x2015001-eng.htm">crime had steadily been dropping in Canada for the past twenty years</a>. No, it's much more likely that Bill C-51 exists thanks to the handy, catch-all boogeyman of "terrorism", which, thanks to Harper, can mean <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/c-51-controversial-anti-terrorism-bill-is-now-law-so-what-changes-1.3108608">just about anyone</a> nowadays. Speaking of terror, isn't anyone else terrified by all of this?<br />
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<b>(26) "Voter Fraud? Why That Only Happens In Places Like The Ukraine...<span style="font-size: xx-small;">And Maybe Guelph</span>." </b>Let me make this crystal-clear: the Conservatives cheated in the last election. That isn't debatable, <a href="http://news.nationalpost.com/news/canada/canadian-politics/electoral-fraud-did-take-place-in-2011-federal-vote-but-it-didnt-affect-outcome-judge-rules">that's a cold-hard fact</a>. Back in the 80' and 90's, if a political party was found guilty of something this serious they'd be drummed out of office and would soon cease to exist. But thanks to an endless conveyor belt of Conservative scandals that have made citizens apathetic and resigned as well as Harper's draconian control of the media, these blatant misdeeds are just par for the course now. Little wonder ten thousand citizens signed an <a href="https://secure.avaaz.org/en/petition/United_Nations_Department_of_Political_Affairs_Request_for_Assistance_Request_UN_election_monitorsobservers_for_Canadas_/?pv=27">electronic petition</a> asking representative from the U.N. to monitors this upcoming election; they're <a href="http://ottawacitizen.com/news/national/majority-of-canadians-worried-about-potential-voter-fraud-study-finds">legitimately worried</a> that it'll happen again.<br />
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<b>(27) "Yours Is Not To Question Why..."</b> If you really think that Canadian troops were sent to Afghanistan to hunt down terrorists and bring stability to that war-torn part of the world, then I'm gonna hafta straighten that "<a href="http://whowhatwhy.org/2012/09/10/the-real-reason-for-the-afghan-war/">sucker</a>" sign on your back. This happened under Harper's watch, and it was one of the earliest examples of Canada turning from peacekeeper nation to <a href="http://thetyee.ca/Views/2006/10/06/Afghanistan/">aggressor nation</a>. By the time we left in 2014 even right-leaning media outlets had a hard time justifying all of that <a href="http://www.theglobeandmail.com/globe-debate/editorials/now-that-our-war-in-afghanistan-is-over/article17501889/">taxpayer money spent and lives lost</a>. <br />
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<b>(28) "...Yours Is But To Do And Die." </b>Y'know it's bad enough that our armed forces were put into harm's way unnecessarily or, at the very least, purely mercenary reasons, but to not support them when they come home is <a href="http://globalnews.ca/video/2235734/extended-veteran-mark-fuchko-on-battling-back">downright unforgivable</a>.<br />
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<b>(29) "Whattaya Mean That 'Half Of The Population Is Women-Folk'? <i>Ruh-roh</i>."</b> Back in 2010 the Conservatives <a href="http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/politics/womens-groups-decry-tory-funding-cuts/article1367245/">de-funded no less than fourteen different women's support groups</a> within a two-week time span. Wow, that's gotta be some kinda patriarchal record. <br />
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<b>(30)</b> <b>Even Stalin Had The Brains To Keep His "Enemies" List In His Head</b>. I mean, what kind of childish, paranoid, simpleton actually lets his staff compile a list of "<a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/pmo-asked-staff-to-supply-enemy-lists-to-new-ministers-1.1361102">enemy lobbyists, bureaucrats and reporters</a>" who actually have the temerity to oppose your insane and destructive agenda. At the very least I could have saved him a bunch of time and just written "EVERY ONE ELSE" on a piece of paper with a crayon and handed it back to him. <i>What a maroon</i>.<br />
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<b>(31) "Hey, Look, We Love Muslims! <span style="font-size: xx-small;">Especially Muslims With Fat Bank Accounts</span>."</b> Harper merrily orchestrated a $15-billion dollar deal to ship <a href="http://news.nationalpost.com/news/canada/canadian-politics/union-asks-ndp-to-keep-saudi-armoured-vehicles-deal-under-wraps-fearing-significant-job-losses">armored vehicles to Saudi Arabia</a>, one of the worst <a href="https://www.hrw.org/world-report/2015/country-chapters/saudi-arabia">human rights violators</a> on the planet. Funny how Harper's view of Muslims is predicated on how much money they can feed into our budding <a href="http://www.globalresearch.ca/canada-s-military-industrial-complex/24447">military industrial complex</a>.<br />
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<b>(32) "Hey, Where Did Everyone Go? Guys? <i>Guys?</i>" </b>A lot of ministers <a href="http://news.nationalpost.com/news/canada/canadian-politics/its-not-just-cabinet-ministers-jumping-ship-conservative-exodus-ahead-of-election-largest-in-20-years">fled the ranks of the Conservative Party</a> leading up to the election. Samuel Getachew is just the latest and his <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/samuel-getachew/why-i-quit-the-conservative-party_b_8198508.html">insider testimony</a> should terrify us all.<br />
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<b>(33) "What, You Expect The <i>Government </i>To Fix That Bridge? Why, That's Socialism!" </b>Most of our country's infrastructure dates back to the 1960's and since it isn't being maintained or replaced fast enough <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/De_la_Concorde_overpass_collapse">people are getting hurt</a>. Unfortunately the Conservatives <a href="http://montrealgazette.com/news/national/opinion-canada-is-falling-short-on-infrastructure-investment">dragged their heels</a> on implementing an extension on the New Canada Building Fund just so they could post a rare budget surplus...just weeks before the election. <i>Convenient</i>. I sure hope nothing collapses between now and October 18'th. <br />
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<b>(34) Graduating With A PHD...<i>In Debt</i>. </b>Under the Conservatives, tuition rates across the country <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/canadian-university-costs-to-rise-13-per-cent-over-4-years-report-1.2761406">have skyrocketed</a>. No surprise here since Harper's probably a big fan of the American "<a href="http://video.pbs.org/video/1485280975/">education for profit</a>" model that's turning the university system into a major enterprise <i>and</i> keeping it well out of reach of the poor and the middle class.<br />
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<b>(35) "I Believe The Children Are Our Future...<span style="font-size: xx-small;">So I Will Crush Them</span>." </b>So you say you're pissed by the previous point about rising tuition costs? Well, good luck affecting any change on October 19'th. Thanks to Harper's <a href="https://nowtoronto.com/news/stephen-harper-s-plot-to-get-you-not-to-vote/">draconian new voting laws</a>, you probably won't even be allowed to vote since you just moved into residence recently. Ain't democracy fun? <br />
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<b>(36) "Danny Williams?!? Where? <i>Where...?!?!</i>"</b><i><b> </b></i>Danny Williams is still remembered as one of the best Premiers Newfoundland has ever had. He's an example of a true statesman, someone who left the private sector and entered politics for just enough tome to effect real change and as soon as he was done he went right back to where he came from. He isn't a career politician, just a rare example of the now borderline extinct <i>Progressive</i> Conservatives that I would still proudly vote for. And, as a man of knowledge, integrity and perception, he <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/newfoundland-labrador/danny-williams-stephen-harper-election-1.3256756">despises Stephen Harper with the fire of a million suns</a>. <br />
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<b>(37) "I'm Lookin' Out For Number One...<span style="font-size: xx-small;">The Number One Percent That Is.</span>"</b><i><b> </b></i>Ever since day one Harper's been trying to fast track the Trans Pacific Partnership, I.E. the largest trade deal in human history. Unfortunately the deal was reached just a few short days ago under a cloak of complete secrecy and fostered by a cabal of greedy bankers and corporate pinheads. Not only have the people of North America been ill-informed about the deal, they haven't been given a chance to weigh in on it at all. Many economists believe that the T.P.P. will give corporations, banks and Wall Street <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3O_Sbbeqfdw">unlimited freedom to self-regulate</a>, all at the expense of small, independent industries and, ultimately, the middle class. <br />
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<b>(38) "Hey, Look Over There...<i>Yoink!</i>" </b> What's that, you say? You've independently researched the Trans Pacific Partnership deal and you think it'll be <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9ZFDpuiFUs">ruinous for Canada</a>, particularly for <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/canada-election-2015-tpp-dairy-analysis-1.3257280">dairy farmers</a> and the <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/canada-election-2015-tpp-dairy-analysis-1.3257280">auto industry</a>? You say you don't want anything to do with it? Yeah, well, too bad, 'cuz it's already a <a href="http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/politics/tpp-trade-deal-reached/article26648472/">done deal</a> here in Canada. Since day one this deal's been fast-tracked in a sleazy manner that display's Harper's utter contempt for the people of Canada. He really does think that <i>we</i> work for <i>him</i>, instead of the other way around.<br />
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<b>(39) "I Mean To Win...<i>By Any Means Necessary</i>."</b> Just a short month ago, Harper's numbers were right in the dumper. People were pissed off by important issues such as Harper's woeful economic record, his cold-hearted stance on refugees and all of the rampant chicanery in the Senate. So, in order to reverse this downward spiral, he retained <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/sep/10/canada-conservatives-lynton-crosby-election">Lynton Crosby</a>, AKA the "Aussie Rottweiler", a ruthless political opportunist that retrieved David Cameron's flagging campaign out of the dustbin in the recent UK election. Crosby's <i>modus operendi</i> is to make people forget about the issues they <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/vote-compass-canada-election-2015-issues-canadians-1.3222945">really care about</a> and concentrate on winning hearts instead of brains via dog-whistle politics. So, when Harper took a hard-ball stance on a non-issue like the <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/canada-election-2015-niqab-bloc-1.3236837"><i>niqab</i></a> his numbers shot through the roof. Pity this means that the real issues that effect every single Canadian have since <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/canada-election-2015-issues-not-being-discussed-1.3215916">fallen by the wayside</a>.<br />
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<b>(40) "Not My Fault...I Didn't Do It...You Can't Prove A Thing!!!"</b> Despite the fact that the <i>niqab</i> debate was a <a href="http://news.nationalpost.com/full-comment/andrew-coyne-to-uncover-or-not-to-uncover-why-the-niqab-issue-is-ridiculous">blatantly transparent and desperate attempt to distract oblivious voters</a> from the real issues, it's resulted in some pretty serious blow back. When our own Prime Minister engages in such openly divisive and racist fear-mongering he encourages others to <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/montreal/montreal-police-muslim-woman-1.3253668">act out in kind</a>. Is this seriously the sort of Canada you want to leave to your kids and grand-kids? <br />
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<b>(41) "And By That I Mean Old <i>White</i> Canadians." </b>Sorry, Harper can back-pedal all he wants but it's not hard to tell what he meant by "<a href="http://www.thestar.com/news/canada/2015/09/18/old-stock-canadians-phrase-chills-prof-ignites-twitter.html">old stock Canadians</a>". By the way, you wanna know who the real "old stock Canadians" are, Mr. Harper? The Inuit and native population, that's who.<br />
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<b>(42) "Snitch-ery Guarantees Citizenship."</b> Y'know, I really wish I was making this one up, but sadly I'm not. In another action that dove-tails with their racist and alarmist agenda, Harper and his cronies want to set up an anonymous tip line where you can rat on your fellow citizen about "<a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/canada-election-2015-neil-macdonald-muslims-1.3257892">barbaric cultural practices</a>". Which, in my humble opinion puts a just a stones throw from <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Malicious_Practices_Act_1933">this</a>. I can't wait to use it to report on all the barbaric cultural practices that the <a href="http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/comment/if-stephen-harper-is-serious-about-criminalising-barbaric-cultural-practices-then-he-should-arrest-10126055.html">Conservatives are indulged in</a>. <br />
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<b>(43) "What? Immigrants Have Plenty Of Good Uses! <span style="font-size: xx-small;">Like Driving Wages Down</span>."</b> Y'know, for someone who isn't fond of immigrants, he sure does love the <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/calgary/temporary-foreign-worker-program-misuse-sanctioned-by-harper-government-union-says-1.2737422">Temporary Foreign Worker Program</a>. Well, so long as it benefits his rich corporate buddies and not, say, <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/stephen-harper-won-t-allow-permanent-underclass-of-temporary-foreign-workers-1.3066236">Filipino nannies</a>.<br />
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<b>(44) "I'm Just Starving The Dog That Wants To Bite Me."</b> Harper's history with the CBC is a pretty adversarial one. As a completely independent Canadian voice funded entirely by taxpayers, the CBC has held politician's feet to the fire since it was established way back in 1936. But since Harper got into power, he's has <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/cbc-budget-cut-by-115m-over-3-years-1.1147096">cutting off funding</a> to the venerable network more and more, knowing full-well that they'll never tow his line. His latest claim, that the CBC is foundering due to a flagging audience and not merciless budget cuts, was <a href="http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/politics/cbc-ceo-disputes-harper-comment-over-funding/article26588069/">immediately and soundly rebuked</a> by the network's current CEO. <br />
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<b>(45) "Patrick Who?" </b>On September 15'th Patrick Brazeau plead guilty to <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/brazeau-court-tuesday-assault-1.3228567">assault and cocaine possession</a> but wriggled free of a more serious <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/patrick-brazeau-struck-woman-pushed-her-down-stairs-court-told-1.3003608">sexual assault</a> charge. This doesn't even cover Brazeau's 2014 conviction for <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/ottawa/patrick-brazeau-ordered-to-rehab-centre-for-2-months-1.2797640">impaired driving</a> or submitting <a href="http://ottawacitizen.com/news/politics/patrick-brazeaus-senate-fraud-trial-slated-for-next-march">possibly-fraudulent living expenses</a> for his Senate gig. How this guy is still <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/brazeau-put-on-forced-leave-from-senate-1.1300769">living off the taxpayer dime</a> is beyond me. I mean, just look at him. He's like Canada's answer to <a href="https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CO9I3ddWIAAFn0H.jpg">Tommy Wiseau</a>...but at least 30% creepier.<br />
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<b>(46) "Bruce Who?" </b>On July 27, 2012 one of Harper's former top advisors, Bruce Carson, was charged with <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/canada-election-2015-bruce-carson-trial-influence-peddling-1.3226547">influence peddling</a> related to a proposed deal involving water purification systems for First Nations communities. What sounds like a humanitarian act on the surface quickly takes on a more sinister cast when you hear the allegation that twenty per cent of the revenue that would been generated from this sale would have been directly funneled to Carson's then-fiancee at the time, Michele McPherson. This isn't the first time Carson has been charged with wrongdoing; back in 1990 he plead guilty to three accounts of fraud. And even though Harper claims that he would have never hired Carson if he'd known about "more recent things", Carson himself maintains that his boss <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/bruce-carson-says-stephen-harper-knew-about-his-past-1.2656091">knew everything</a> but hired him anyway.<br />
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<b>(47) "Michael Who?" </b>Even though Michael Sona was the only Conservative thrown under the bus for the notorious robocall scandal, both the crown prosecutor and the defense both agreed that "<a href="http://www.ctvnews.ca/politics/michael-sona-guilty-of-election-fraud-in-robocalls-case-did-not-likely-act-alone-1.1959224">evidence indicates he did not likely act alone</a>". Makes sense, since Sona was just a snot-nosed, 22-year-old staffer at the time and not particularly capable of hatching such an elaborate scheme. The bottom line is, Harper created a <a href="http://www.thestar.com/news/canada/2014/08/15/young_staffers_a_product_of_ottawas_toxic_culture_hbert.html">climate</a> in which election fraud became a viable option and he deserves to be roasted for it. <br />
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<b>(48) "</b><b><b>Micheal, er...</b><i>Mike</i> Who?"</b> Honestly, we Canadians have been hearing about the Mike Duffy scandal for so long now that the whole thing has degenerated into a giant, nebulous morass of lies, counter-allegations and denials. Mercifully the good folks at Buzzfeed were kind enough to distill the whole sordid saga down to its essence, using a series of <a href="http://www.buzzfeed.com/paulmcleod/the-mike-duffy-saga-as-explained-by-game-of-thrones-gifs#.ea5NmEPVBK"><i>Game of Thrones</i></a>-related gifs. Who says politics is boring?<br />
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<b>(49) "Pamela Who?"</b> As recently as last March, the RCMP have honed in on no less than <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/pamela-wallin-s-expense-claims-sought-from-3-more-organizations-1.3016760">one hundred and fifty Pamela Wallin expenses</a> that require "additional investigation". According to the Mounties forensic accountant: "I believe that Senator Wallin breached the standard of responsibility and conduct demanded of her and by the nature of her office. I believe that Senator Wallin's conduct represent[s] a serious and marked departure from the standards expected of a Canadian senator." At first Harper claimed that "her travel costs are comparable to any parliamentarian traveling from that particular area of the country over that period of time" but lately he's <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/pamela-wallin-senate-expenses-rcmp-crown-1.3211188">distancing himself more and more</a> from the embattled senator.<br />
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<b>(50) "Dean Who?"</b> As bad as all of that is, the real capper comes in the form of Dean Del Mastro, disgraced Conservative MP and Harper's former mouthpiece. Back in June of this year, l'il Deaner was sentenced to a month in prison and four months of house arrest, for <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/dean-del-mastro-sentenced-to-month-in-jail-4-months-house-arrest-for-election-overspending-1.3126992">illegal overspending</a> in the 2008 federal election. According to Justice Lisa Cameron the crimes were an "affront" to Canadian principals and the "antithesis" of our democracy. And what's Harper's reaction to that happening under his watch? Well, it's likely that we'll never know because of point # 51...<br />
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<b>(51) "I Could Answer That But I Don't Wanna."</b> Thanks to Harper's stranglehold on <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2015/08/23/capping-reporters-questions-at-five-during-campaigns-is-tory-policy-harper_n_8028766.html">investigative reporting</a> the only question he seems willing to answer is "Why are you so awesome?"<br />
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<b>(52) "Rob And Doug Who? Oh, Yeah, Those Guys. They're Cool." </b>Just a few days ago, Rob and Doug Ford were front row center at a Stephen Harper <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/toronto/rob-ford-doug-ford-stephen-harper-etobicoke-event-1.3268372">rally</a> in Etobicoke. It certainly isn't the first time these guys have <a href="http://globalnews.ca/video/2276281/harper-defends-association-with-rob-ford">hung out together</a>. Besides being rank idiots, why are these clowns so firmly entrenched in Harper's corner? Because, they're <a href="http://www.thestar.com/news/gta/2014/02/03/5_things_you_didnt_know_about_rob_fords_family_revelations_from_the_book_crazy_town.html">rich, entitled, morally-ambiguous assholes</a>, who don't pay <a href="http://www.taxfairness.ca/en/news/income-splitting-huge-tax-cuts-rich-families">their fair share of taxes</a> under Harper's watch. I just think it's funny that Harper, who's supposedly tough on crime, <a href="http://globalnews.ca/video/2276281/harper-defends-association-with-rob-ford">turns a blind eye</a> to Rob Ford's chronic <a href="http://globalnews.ca/news/572013/past-legal-troubles-substance-abuse-allegations-in-the-life-of-toronto-mayor-rob-ford/">scum-baggery</a>.<br />
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<b>(53) </b><b><b>Conservatives Say The Darndest Things - Part Two. </b></b>Yes, I keep harping on this (pun intended), but it bears repeating: Harper's Conservatives aren't <i>Progressive </i>Conservatives<i>. </i>As
former Alliance / Reform goons, they're a lot closer to the Ayn Randian
/ Objectivist Neo-Con assholes who hijacked the U.S. Republican Party
back in the '90's. And a major tenant for these folks is that taxes are bad because that takes money away from noble, hard-working, self-sacrificing martyrs like me and gives it away to lazy, freeloading takers. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QIaEEng9xtw">This guy</a>, for example, would apparently have no qualms about supporting a candidate who's inordinately amorous towards quadrupedal, even-toed ungulate mammals, so long as said candidate doens't oblige us to support such wasteful things as Canada Pensions, E.I., and Medicare. <br />
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<b>(54) "Yeah, These Guys RAWK!!!'</b> I don't know what's lamer, the fact that Harper welcomed human / taint hybrid <a href="http://www.pm.gc.ca/eng/media/prime-minister-stephen-harper-welcomes-chad-kroeger-lead-singer-nickelback-24-sussex-drive">Chad Kroeger</a> to 24 Sussex Drive or that Kroeger's boring McBand Nickelback actually flashed up a picture of Harper while playing "Photograph" <a href="http://mikesbloggityblog.com/nickelback-endorse-harper/">during a concert</a>. Jesus, that's the scariest image I've seen on stage since Iron Maiden's "No Player For The Dying" tour.<br />
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<b>(55) Harper Isn't An Economist: Part 3. </b>Prior to the rare and impeccably-timed surplus that was announced during this protracted political season (see # 17), the HarperCons orchestrated no less than <a href="http://politics.theglobeandmail.com/2015/09/07/ask-the-globe-how-many-deficits-has-the-conservative-government-run/">six straight deficits</a> between 2008-09 and 2013-14.<br />
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<b>(56) "Taking Care Of Veterans? Why, That's Socialism!" </b>Now, I've already attacked Harper for needlessly sending our troops into harm's way in Afghanistan and documented one-man's terrible experience upon returning from that illegal war (see # 27 and 28), but that's just the tip of the iceberg. Veterans are so collectively pissed off by Harper's wanton neglect that they formed a powerful political force with a fact-based <a href="http://www.veteransagainstconservatives.com/">website</a> and some pretty powerful <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQ1_bY42Skw">videos</a>.<br />
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Seriously, is anyone out there still voting for Harper? 'Cuz, to paraphrase Shepherd Derrial Book from <i>Firefly</i>: "Politicians who de-fund veterans are going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater." <br />
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<b>(57) Bribery Will Get You No-Where. </b>This time last year, Harper introduced a "<a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/income-splitting-what-it-is-and-who-benefits-1.2818396">family tax cut / income splitting scheme</a>", claiming that it would give couples with children under the age of eighteen a credit of up to $2,000 bucks. Well, there's one slight problem with this: it <a href="http://www.macleans.ca/economy/economicanalysis/harpers-income-splitting-program-isnt-great-policy-or-good-politics/">needlessly complicates</a> the tax process, restricts what <a href="http://www.pressprogress.ca/en/post/7-facts-conservatives-dont-want-you-know-about-their-family-tax-plan">"kind" of family</a> gets a break and only really benefits people who <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/manitoba/harper-s-income-splitting-will-make-rich-canadians-with-babies-richer-1.2818997">really don't need it</a>. Mercifully a lot of people <a href="http://niagaraatlarge.com/2015/10/15/an-open-letter-to-stephen-harper/">saw right through</a> this transparent payola and aren't letting Harper off the hook for a zillion other transgressions. <br />
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<b>(58) </b><b>"Fear Controls The Fearful." </b>Oakville Conservative MP Terence Young recently took a cue from Harper's <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/british-columbia/conservative-advertising-chinese-punjabi-1.3268011">playbook of paranoia</a>,
telling a group of stunned town hall debate onlookers that the
Liberals, once elected, will turn their once-idyllic neighborhoods into <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bdz6px9NFU">dens of iniquity</a>.
Hey, if you can't win based on your past record or your future platform, why not just slag off the other guys in a desperate attempt to snag the "oblivious moron" vote. Wait, does this mean that Rob Ford's gonna start
wearing a Liberal pin if Justin Trudeau wins?<br />
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<b>(59) "Universal Health Care Doesn't Work! <span style="font-size: xx-small;">I've Made Sure Of That</span>." </b>In order to give himself a a rare budgetary surplus to brag about during this election season, Harper cut <a href="http://healthcoalition.ca/what-is-the-health-accord/">thirty-six billion dollars</a> out of our health care system. Not too surprising since the guy would love to see the whole thing <a href="http://www.macleans.ca/politics/ottawa/stephen-harper-and-the-canada-health-act/">privatized for a buck</a>.<br />
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<b>(60) "I Have A Dream: That Hordes Of Wild Turkeys Will One Day Roam Our Land!" </b>Back in the first week of September, Stephen Harper announced that he'll earmark $5 million large a year to preserve the wild game population starting in 2017. Honestly, this isn't a bad measure, but it would be a whole helluva lot better if it wasn't designed just to give future generations of penis-deprived hunters something to shoot in the beak. Let's face it, announcements like this hardly qualify as inspiring and ambitious campaign promises. As Rick Mercer so eloquently stated recently, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-deQYK7c2Q">where's the vision</a>? Harper's had nine years at the helm of our country and he's done little to nothing to improve it. <br />
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<b>(61) We Used To Be One Of The Good Ones.</b> Ever since Harper began his despotic reign, our country has seriously <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mY9x0AHUa-E">slipped in the eyes of the international community</a>. Even more so since<a href="http://www.pressprogress.ca/congratulations_canada_now_the_world_is_talking_about_your_prime_ministers_racist_rhetoric"> this greasy election</a> kicked things into "crazy old racist Uncle Larry" territory. <br />
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<b>(62) Big Brother Is Watching You. And So Is Big Sister, Big Cousin, Big Aunt, Big Uncle and One-Hundred And Eighty-Four (!) Other Big People. </b>When Cindy Blackstock, an activist and professor, took the Conservatives to court over neglected First Nations children, no less than one-hundred and eighty-nine separate government staffers were tasked to <a href="http://www.whoa-canada.ca/cindy_blackstock">spy on her and shadow her every move</a>. Their efforts were so invasive that the Canadian Human Rights Tribunal ruled against the Canadian government and ordered them to pay Cindy $20,000.00 in restitution. <i>Hmmmm</i>, someone should get Mr. "I Vote For Sheep Fuckers" on the line and see what he thinks about <i>that</i> one? <br />
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<b>(63) "If You're Not With Us...Then You're With The Terrorists." </b>Harper experienced some pesky blow-back when hundreds of people were <a href="http://www.vice.com/en_ca/read/its-been-three-years-since-torontos-g20-protest">illegally rounded up and detained</a> during the G-20 summit in Toronto back in June of 2010. Good thing then that Bill C-51 got crammed through Parliament, which gives Harper the <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WFtOJHxXhNI">ability to cast any protester as a "terrorist"</a> and make the whole process of stripping your rights away a breeze! <br />
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<b>(64) Harper Isn't An Economist: Part 4. </b>When Harper took office back in 2006 Canada's unemployment rate was 6.3 per cent. This now stands at <a href="http://www.theglobeandmail.com/report-on-business/jobs/article26734841/">7.1 per cent</a>, putting Canada in fifth place among the G7 nations.<b> </b><br />
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<b>(65) </b><b><b>Conservatives Say The Darndest Things - Part Three. </b></b>Sure, anything can be abused, but without unions our kids would still be toiling away in sweat shops making designer handbags for lose bits of string and dead budgerigars. Despite doing <a href="http://www.dailykos.com/story/2012/05/16/1092027/-Thanks-a-Union-36-Ways-Unions-Have-Improved-Your-Life#">far more good then harm</a>, Conservatives like Walter Pamic <a href="http://www.pressprogress.ca/this_conservative_candidate_has_a_hobby_his_hobby_is_making_inflammatory_statements_about_unions">absolutely despise unions</a>, probably because they divert a tiny modicum of the profits to workers instead of their super-rich CEO's and share-holders. <br />
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<b>(66)</b><i><b> </b></i><b>"Voter Suppression? Why That Only Happens In </b><b>Places Like North Carolina...<span style="font-size: xx-small;">And Maybe Vancouver</span>." </b>As predicted, Harper's "Fair" Elections Act reforms are doing just the opposite. All of these superfluous and restrictive voter ID requirements resulted in massive line-ups at many of the advanced polls. At an election office on West Hastings in Vancouver voters queued up for hours to exercise their democratic right. Even though they had until 6 pm to cast their ballot the office inexplicably closed an hour earlier, <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/british-columbia/advance-voting-elections-canada-offices-1.3269866">sending a dozen people packing</a>. Sadly, <a href="http://www.nationalobserver.com/2015/10/14/news/chaos-advance-polls-ignites-worries-voter-suppression">this isn't the only story I've heard like this</a>. <br />
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<b>(67) <i>"NERRRRRRRRRRRRD!!!" </i></b>Restricted by how much they can travel, starved for funding, and weary of being muzzled by the Harper government, Canadian scientists like <a href="http://tvo.org/video/programs/the-agenda-with-steve-paikin/muzzled-scientists">Steve Campana</a> fled for greener pastures abroad. This, of course, is all due to Harper's <a href="http://www.academicmatters.ca/2013/05/harpers-attack-on-science-no-science-no-evidence-no-truth-no-democracy/">systemic persecution of scientists</a> which pundits predict will have a <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/andrew-weaver/harper-environment-cuts_b_1549652.html">dreadful impact</a> on our nation in the long run. <br />
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<b>(68) "I'm Tough On Crime! Well, Not Right Now...But As soon As I'm Re-Elected I'm <i>Totally</i> Gonna Be Tough On Crime!" </b>Harper was so desperate to get a budgetary surplus to wave in our faces that he actually <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/harper-government-withholds-millions-budgeted-for-crime-prevention-1.3272773">de-funded his own crime prevention program</a> to the tune of $28 million dollars. I wish McGruff would take a bite outta his lame ass. <br />
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<b>(69) </b><b><b><b>Conservatives Say The Darndest Things - Part Four.</b></b> </b>Even though Harper is solely to blame for <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/canada-election-2015-postal-workers-protest-harper-1.3189229">gutting our mail services</a>, Renfrew-Nipissing-Pembroke Conservative MP Cheryl Gallant recently took out an ad in her local paper telling voters that the "only" way to save Canada Post is to <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/conservative-cheryl-gallant-s-claim-she-ll-save-canada-post-raises-ire-of-postal-workers-1.3272916">re-elect her</a>. Ironic, considering that, along with the rest of Harper's pack of flying monkeys, she helped defeat an NDP motion to retain door-to-door deliveries. And here's the capper: the union for Canada Post is pondering legal action against her for misappropriating their logo. <i>What a maroon.</i><br />
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<b>(70) "I Dunno, I Thought <i>Reefer Madness</i> Made Some Pretty Solid Points." </b>Harper has arbitrarily declared that marijuana is "<a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/stephen-harper-pot-marijuana-1.3255727">infinitely worse</a>" then tobacco. Pity that there are these pesky little things called <a href="http://www.iflscience.com/health-and-medicine/new-study-suggests-risks-marijuana-use-have-been-overestimated">facts</a> that get in the way of that claim. Is that why Harper hates scientists so much? Is it because of all their sass n' back-talk n' <i>indisputable, quantifiable data</i> n' such.<br />
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<b>(71) Prisons For Profit.</b> Just like every other human endeavor, Steve believes that our prison system should be a source of <a href="http://www.ctvnews.ca/politics/feds-studying-private-prisons-as-way-to-save-money-1.967126">free enterprise</a>. Look, I have nothing against capitalism, but I have a huge beef with corporatism. As soon as certain enterprises are turned over for private gain, <a href="http://www.canadianprogressiveworld.com/2012/07/05/enbridge-executives-company-awarded-first-bill-c-10-38-5-million-prison-project/">greed, cronyism and abuse</a> will invariably start creeping into the mix. <i>Hmmm</i>, I wonder is Harper's militant stance against marijuana has something to do with <a href="http://www.straight.com/news/696281/nearly-75000-canadians-were-busted-marijuana-offences-2013">filling super-prisons up with nominal occupants</a>?<br />
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<b>(72) "Sure I'm Fiscally Conservative. Well, On <i>My</i> Dime I Am." </b>Just a few short days ago, the National Observer completed an audit on public expenses claimed between 2013 and 2015 and found out that <a href="http://www.nationalobserver.com/2015/10/14/news/conservative-mps-rack-highest-travel-costs-taxpayers">Conservative MPs spent a helluva lot more on travel then their political counterparts</a>. <b> </b><br />
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<b>(73) "We're Cutting Back On Entitlements For Lazy Bums!" </b>While Harper merrily continues to <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/canada-election-2015-stephen-harper-employment-insurance-1.3220690">gut Employment Insurance premiums</a>... <br />
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<b>(74) "But Not Rich Lazy Bums!"</b> ...he also keeps doling out generous gobs of corporate welfare both <a href="http://business.financialpost.com/executive/not-much-bang-for-the-buck-harpers-60b-corporate-tax-cuts-under-fire">federally</a> and <a href="http://news.nationalpost.com/full-comment/jonathan-kay-when-it-comes-to-corporate-welfare-theres-no-room-for-real-conservatives">provincially</a>!<br />
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<b>(75) Fair Weather Fiends.</b> When the campaign first started and people were talking about important stuff like the economy and the environment, the Conservatives polling numbers went right in the tank. Desperate to turn things around, Harper retained political hit-man <a href="https://ricochet.media/en/583/harpers-new-campaign-manager-is-an-evil-genius-from-australia">Lynton Crosby</a> who advised him to whip up emotional and "patriotic" fervor by bringing up the whole <a href="http://news.nationalpost.com/full-comment/andrew-coyne-to-uncover-or-not-to-uncover-why-the-niqab-issue-is-ridiculous"><i>niqab</i> issue</a>. Thankfully the lion's share of sane Canadians recognized this tactic for what it was: divisive, dog-whistle politics that had no bearing on reality. And when the resulting blow-back put Harper back on the ropes again, <a href="http://thinkpol.ca/2015/10/15/lynton-crosby-abandons-harper/">Crosby abandoned Harper</a> just days before the election, bringing to mind a rat deserting a sinking ship. <br />
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<b>(76) Fiddling While The World Burns.</b> Back in April of 2013 Harper's Natural Resources Minister Joe Oliver said "I think that people aren’t as worried as they were before about global warming of two degrees” and that “<a href="http://o.canada.com/news/national/blog-joe-oliver-casts-doubt-on-climate-science-in-defence-of-oilsands">scientists have recently told us that our fears (on climate change) are exaggerated</a>.” Unfortunately Oliver didn't specify what scientists he was talking about. Was it <a href="http://climate.nasa.gov/vital-signs/global-temperature/">these</a> scientists? Nope. How about <a href="http://www.metoffice.gov.uk/climate-guide/science/science-behind-climate-change/hadley">these guys</a>? Uh, nope. How about <a href="http://www.noaanews.noaa.gov/stories2015/noaa-analysis-journal-science-no-slowdown-in-global-warming-in-recent-years.html">the</a>...ah, <i>fuck it</i>.<br />
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<b>(77) </b><b><b>Harper Isn't An Economist: Part 5.</b></b> With fuel prices soaring back around 2008, Harper doubled down on Canada's dirty, archaic and inefficient oil and gas industry. Unfortunately when our good ol' buddies the Saudi's decided to flood the market with cheap oil it caused prices to tank. Now our petroleum industry is <a href="http://calgaryherald.com/business/energy/energy-sector-earnings-outlook-darkest-in-a-decade">hemmoraging profits</a> and leading us straight into another <a href="http://www.businessinsider.com/canada-in-recession-2015-9">recession</a>.<br />
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<b>(78) "Remember, Hair Should Protect The Head." </b>Did you know that Stephen Harper was the first Prime Minister in Canadian history to retain a <a href="http://news.nationalpost.com/full-comment/the-high-cost-of-making-stephen-harper-look-ordinary">full-time stylist</a> (and psychic!) on the public's dime for years? As far as I can determine, Michelle Muntean's retainer fee has never been disclosed, but disguising a reptile like Harper as something vaguely approximating a human being can't come cheap. Psychic transmission to Michelle: you may want to keep working on that ornamental, Lego-esque skull cap that he's still wearing. It's about as realistic the <a href="http://www.buzzfeed.com/laurenstrapagiel/hello-stephen-harper-is-it-me-youre-looking-for#.aq1gBYl8q7">rigor mortis grimace</a> that he vainly tries to pass off as a "smile".<br />
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<b>(79) "What You Don't Know Won't Hurt You." </b>Under Harper's watch, Canada is no longer in the top fifty nations for <a href="http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/canada-falls-out-of-top-fifty-in-global-freedom-of-information-rankings/article4364957/">global freedom of information</a> and our current protocols "<a href="http://www.caj.ca/canadas-access-to-information-act-fails-to-meet-global-standards-report-finds/">fail to meet global standards</a>". <i>Jaysus</i>. <br />
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<b>(80) "But What I Do <i>Will</i> Hurt You. So, It's Kind Of A Trade Off." </b>Even more troubling, Canada fell out of top 10 in UN’s <a href="http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/canada-falls-out-of-top-10-in-uns-human-development-index/article9758218/">human development index</a> back in 2013.<br />
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<b>(81) "Spending Money On Social Programs? Socialism! Spending Over A Billion Dollars On A Spy Palace? <i>Absolutely Badass</i>."</b> While tub-thumping for claw-backs on social programs, Herr Harper earmarked $1.2 billion dollars for a new <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/inside-canada-s-top-secret-billion-dollar-spy-palace-1.1930322">lair</a> for C.S.E.C., I.E. our very own maple-syrup-flavored equivalent to the NSA. Fun fact: Canadian taxpayers have never paid this much money for a government building ever before, especially one with such a heinous <i><a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/cse-tracks-millions-of-downloads-daily-snowden-documents-1.2930120">raison d'être</a></i>.<br />
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<b>(82) More Like 'The War On Frugality'.</b> Think that spending a billion dollars on a facility designed to spy on Canadians is bad? Well, how about <a href="http://news.nationalpost.com/news/canada/government-cant-account-for-3-1b-allocated-to-public-safety-and-anti-terrorism-auditor-generals-reports-says">misplacing $3.1 <i>billion</i> dollars</a> during our laughably aggrandized "war on terror" and having no clue how to account for it? <br />
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<b>(83) "I'm In Yer Innerwebz, Creepin' Yer Profyle."</b> Government agencies tapped Canadian telecommunications companies nearly <a href="http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/feds-tap-telecoms-for-customer-data-at-staggering-rate/article18336817/">800,000 times in one year</a> for private information on their customers. And get this, instead of going through the once-legal means of obtaining warrants to do this, the RCMP just paid companies like Telus and Bell <a href="http://www.vice.com/read/the-rcmp-spent-16-million-to-run-an-unconstitutional-spying-program-239">$1.6 million dollars to buy this data</a> wholesale. Seriously, why every citizen in Canada isn't completely up in arms over this alone is beyond my comprehension. <br />
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<b>(84) "Julian Fantin-Who?" </b>Harper hand-picked Julian Fantino as Minister of Veterans Affairs in July 2013 but was demoted him just a few months ago over his <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jKOXwoqCow8&feature=youtu.be">callous handling of complaints from a myriad of disenfranchised veterans</a>. Hey, Julian, this might be a good time for you to re-read the Joss Whedon-penned quote back at # 56.<br />
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<b>(85) "Canada! For Sale! Cheap! EVERYTHING MUST GO!" Part I </b>Formed in 1935 to safeguard the prices our farmers get for their crops, Stephen Harper allowed the Canadian Wheat Board to be <a href="http://www.theglobeandmail.com/report-on-business/us-saudi-firms-to-buy-former-canadian-wheat-board/article23966156/">pawned off</a> to a U.S. conglomerate and an investment group based in, you guessed it, Saudi Arabia.<br />
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<b>(86) </b><b>Remember, His Official Title Is <i>Prime Minister</i> Cheaty McGillicuddy. </b>Thanks to this latest sign-destroying scandal featuring <a href="http://www.meettheharpergang.com/blog/2015/10/16/watch-conservative-campaign-workers-take-down-ndp-signs">Bal Gosal</a>, the Conservatives are now looking at their <a href="http://thinkpol.ca/2015/10/17/conservatives-facing-criminal-investigation-over-election-law-violation-for-the-4th-election-in-a-row/">fourth consecutive criminal investigation</a> related to an election. Man, and you though that José Bautista's batting average was good. <br />
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<b>(87) </b><b><b>"Canada! For Sale! Cheap! EVERYTHING MUST GO!" Part Two</b> </b>Back in December 2012, Harper signed off on a <a href="http://dealbook.nytimes.com/2012/12/07/canada-clears-15-billion-chinese-takeover-of-an-energy-company/">$15 billion dollars deal</a> which saw the domestic energy company Nexen sold off to China National Offshore Oil Corporation. I wonder if Harper did this because he knew that our oil and gas industry was going to start <a href="http://www.wsj.com/articles/how-china-slipped-on-canadas-oil-sands-1437616832">swirling down the commode</a> soon? <br />
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<b>(88) "Why Are We So Awesome? Well, It's 'Cuz That Sign We Bought Over There With <i>Your</i> Money Says So..." </b>Since he first took tower in 2006, Harper has spent <a href="http://www.thestar.com/news/canada/2015/04/30/opposition-mounts-against-wasteful-conservative-government-ads.html">$750 million dollars</a> on self-promotional ad campaigns like the "methinks thou dost protest too much" Economic Action Plan billboards, buses and signs. <br />
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<b>(89) "'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' Pretty Much Sums Up My Opinion On Gay Marriage As Well."</b> Even though Canada as a whole is refreshingly <a href="http://news.nationalpost.com/news/canada/canadians-still-support-same-sex-marriage-ten-years-in-but-even-more-of-us-are-coming-around-poll">open-minded</a> when it comes to such things, that certainly doesn't reflect the opinions closely held by our illustrious Prime Minister. Notwithstanding <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0I3geqob-3Q">this little chestnut</a>, Harper has always been pretty right-lipped on the subject of gay marriage over the past nine years. But given an insulating crowd of supported bigots, his true colors do shine through occasionally. And whattaya know, they're <a href="http://thetyee.ca/Opinion/2015/06/29/Harper-Same-Sex-Marriage/">completely intolerant and close minded</a>. Oh, and if you read this and actually share his opinions then you're just as <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bp4yu7HL8l4">deluded</a> as he is. <br />
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<b>(90) "The Medium Is The Message. <span style="font-size: xx-small;">And the Message Is 'Fuck Impartiality'<span style="font-size: small;">"</span></span><span style="font-size: small;">.</span></b> Don't think that corporate-controlled media is a problem? Then just check out these <a href="http://www.nationalobserver.com/2015/10/18/opinion/yellow-stain-bystander-bigotry-newspaper-endorsements">hideously-biased</a> front pages of these Postmedia-owned newspapers. <br />
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<b>(91) "'Contempt? I Gotcher 'Contempt' Heatin' up Right Hur." </b>Harper's Conservatives are the only political party ever to be found in <a href="http://www.thestar.com/news/canada/2011/03/21/committee_finds_harper_government_in_contempt.html">contempt of Parliament</a> for refusing to disclose information about various clandestine expenses. These charges were so serious that it kicked off the 2011 election, which inexplicably resulted in a Harper majority. <br />
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<b>(92) "Admit It, Shooting A Fish In The Face Isn't Nearly As Rewarding."</b> A recent analysis of Harper's alterations to environmental protections led University of Calgary law professor Martin Olszynski to declare that the government has "<a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/fish-habitat-protection-waning-under-harper-government-analysis-finds-1.3212403">all but abandoned</a>" efforts to protect Canada's lakes and rivers.<br />
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<b>(93) "It's Just A Thing We Do Now."</b> As much as I want <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mY9x0AHUa-E">this</a> to be unwarranted, over-dramatized hype, stories like <a href="https://news.vice.com/article/fresh-calls-for-inquiry-into-allegations-canada-was-complicit-in-torture-of-afghan-prisoners">this</a> give me a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. When confronted with damning evidence about the mistreatment of Afghan detainees back in 2009, Steve-O just resorted to shouting <a href="http://www.globalresearch.ca/prime-minister-stephen-harper-and-canadian-war-crimes-in-afghanistan/24473">"LA! LA! LA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"</a> over and over again until the whole thing blew over. Unfortunately, ever since Harper got Canada deeply involved in places like Afghanistan, Libya and other hot-spots in the Middle East, terrorist organization are now <a href="http://news.nationalpost.com/news/world/isis-urges-jihadists-to-attack-canadians-you-will-not-feel-secure-in-your-bedrooms">calling us out</a> like never before.<br />
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<b>(94) "Whattaya Mean 'Proroguing' Isn't A Polish Dumpling?"</b> Back in 2008 the NDP, Liberals and and the Bloc Québécois (!) formed a loose coalition to try and topple Harper's minority government. Unfortunately Harper's familiarity with the dark arts revealed a little-known and rarely-evoked parliamentary procedure called "proroguing" which, politically speaking, allowed him to take his ball and go home. The gambit worked perfectly. Michaëlle Jean, the Governor General at the time, folded faster then Superman on laundry day, dissolved Parliament and Harper enjoyed a two-month vacation, returning to power no worse for wear. In fact, this maneuver worked so well that he <a href="http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/politics/harper-to-shut-down-parliament/article4300862/">pulled the same stunt again a year later</a> when questions about Afghan detainees made the kitchen a tad too hot again. <br />
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<b>(95) ISRAEL GOOD....PALESTINE BAD. </b>Not only is former Foreign Affairs Minister John Baird a <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gnql1BxbOHU">bit of a jackass</a>, he was downright obtuse when it came to complicated international affairs such as the Israeli / Palestinian conflict. Even though Canadians are <a href="http://www.embassynews.ca/news/2014/06/02/canadians-evenly-split-on-support-for-israel-palestine-poll/45602">split right down the middle</a> about this issue, under Harper, Canada has sided with Israel every single time, going so far as to actively vote against the Palestinians' campaign to become a non-member state and publicly opposing their bid to join the International Criminal Court. This partisan declaration got Baird's motorcade justifiably <a href="http://www.bbc.com/news/world-middle-east-30871252">pelted with eggs and shoes</a> when he last visited the region back in January of this year. He <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/john-baird-resigns-you-need-to-be-defined-by-your-values-1.2942832">resigned</a> not long after, the main motivation for which still remains <a href="https://nowtoronto.com/news/reality-check-the-real-reasons-john-baird-resigned/">hotly debated</a>. <br />
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<b>(96) Failing Upwards.</b> Back in 2010, senior cabinet minister Tony Clement used the G8 meetings as an excuse to divert $50-million dollars worth of improvements to his home riding in Muskoka with absolutely no paper trail or oversight. There was one slight hitch with this brilliant plan: <i>Muskoka was no-where even remotely close to the summit site</i>. In spite of this, the region was blessed with new parks, sidewalks and, of course, a bitchin' little <a href="http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/politics/gazebos-and-the-governing-morality/article626964/">gazebo</a>. Now, in most normal working environments, someone like Clement this would be taken out back to the wood pile and summarily dispatched and his boss would face some pretty stern question. But no, not with the Conservatives! Quite the opposite: Clement was promoted to President of the Treasury Board, I.E. the department which is supposed to keep tabs on government spending. Wow, irony alert!<br />
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<b>(97) "QUICK! GET TO DE ENTITLEMENT CHOPPAH!!!"</b> Harper's former Minister of National Defense Peter MacKay has always been a <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZniYa6GBhI">pompous, dandified idiot</a>, but in 2010 the big diva demanded that a Cormorant search and rescue helicopter <a href="http://news.nationalpost.com/news/mps-demand-resignation-of-peter-mackay-after-release-of-fishing-trip-airlift-emails">airlift</a> him away from a private fishing trip in Gander Newfoundland, all to the taxpayer tune of $16,000 large.<br />
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<b>(98) "It Is My Humble Opinion, Mister Speaker, That The Honorable Supreme Court Chief Justice Is A Big Meanie Face." </b>Just over a year ago, Harper had a public meltdown when his <i>less-then-qualified</i> Supreme Court pick Marc Nadon was <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/beverley-mclachlin-says-she-s-moved-on-from-spat-with-harper-mackay-1.2736594">lobbed right back at him</a> by Chief Justice Beverley McLachlin. Unaccustomed to not getting his own way, Harper called her ruling “inadvisable and inappropriate”, a move which made him look like Anakin in <i>Attack of the Clones</i>.<br />
<br />
<b>(99) A Little Bit Of The Ol' In-Out, In-Out...<i>To The Taxpayers Of Canada</i>. </b>After the Conservatives came to power in 2006, Elections Canada noticed a few...<i>anomalies</i> in the campaign financing receipts. They saw that inordinately large amounts of cash were transferred from the federal Conservative party to their individual ridings to cover volunteer expenses which was then donated right back to the party! In the end, Harper was forced to admit their culpability and re-pay $230,198 to Canadian taxpayers. Which, unfortunately, is just a drop in the bucket compared to the <a href="http://news.nationalpost.com/news/canada/conservatives-in-and-out-scandal-investigation-cost-taxpayers-2-3m">$2.3 million bucks</a> spent trying to get the Conservatives to admit their guilt in the first place. <br />
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<b>(100) He's Clearly Thinks That The Canadian People Are All Idiots. </b> Seriously, the fact that Harper is still ensconced in power with all of this damning evidence piled up against him; he must be sitting back and laughing his ass off at us. <br />
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<b>(101) <i>Hmmmmm...</i></b><br />
<br />
...y'know something, this is <i>waaaaay</i> too easy. I could just as easily post a slew of these all by myself but where would be the the fun in that?<br />
<br />
Tell you what, why don't you guys post your favorite reasons as to why you wanna "Heave Steve" on October 19'th? Provide you reason plus a supporting link in the comments below and I'll add it to the list.<br />
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I'll probably about one-hundred of these myself but if you guys wanna help, let's see how many we can get! <br />
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<u><b>Epilogue</b></u> </div>
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One thing I'll say about Stephen Harper: he's a master at <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/may/22/canadian-three-way-split-harper-cameron-fall-election-liberals-new-democrats">electioneering</a>, which isn't a compliment, BTW. He knows that there are three left-leaning parties opposed to him and he's counting on us to split the vote again.<br />
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And, honestly, I think that's a safe bet on Harper's part. Right now only <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/canadian-election-2015-elizabeth-may-interview-1.3224696">Elizabeth May</a> of the Green Party and <a href="http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/politics/ndp-will-look-to-form-coalition-with-liberals-to-topple-tories-prominent-new-democrat-says/article25640741/">Thomas Mulcair</a> of the NDP are humble and sharp enough to be open to the prospects of a desperately-needed coalition. Unfortunately, unless <a href="http://news.nationalpost.com/news/canada/canadian-politics/justin-trudeau-rules-out-formal-coalition-with-ndp-i-dont-believe-in-backroom-deals">Justin Trudeau</a> gets over his hubris and ego it'll be all for naught.<br />
<br />
Which brings me to my main point: we can't just vote Anything But Conservative, we have to vote <i>strategically</i>. Fortunately there are plenty of online resources to help us with this this. One of my favorites is "<a href="http://www.votetogether.ca/">Vote Together</a>" who wisely maintain:<br />
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<i>In 2011, a majority of people voted for a change in government, but our broken voting system gave the Harper Conservatives 100% of the power with just 39% of the vote. This time, if we vote together, we can stop the riding-by-riding vote splitting that lets Harper win.</i></div>
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<i><br />61,883 people have pledged to select and support the best local candidates to defeat the Harper Conservatives and move Canada forward.</i></div>
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<i><br />We're focused on the Conservative swing ridings where a few thousand votes could be all that decides whether or not Harper is Prime Minister again. No matter where you live, we’ll give you the tools you need to make a difference on October 19.</i> </div>
<br />
Sure, we might not be voting for our ideal candidates, but if we can just dustbin Harper to the annals of history and shift our country towards a more sane and sound political middle ground that actually represents our national beliefs, we can then can vote with our hearts the next time out.<br />
<br />
But right now it's all about taking our country back from a government that's run by corporate interests and not by us. But sadly, if I had to wager on how things were gonna look
on October 20'th I'd bet on a "Conservative Minority".<br />
<br />
And I, for one,
can't think of a more terrifying pre-Halloween horror story. <br />
<br />
<u><b>EPIC</b></u> <a href="http://anyonebutharper.net/">AnyoneButHarper.net</a> is another great resource to kicking the Conservative to the curb this election season.<br />
<br />
<u><b>FAIL</b></u> "By his own standards, Stephen Harper is a colossal <a href="http://ipolitics.ca/2015/07/28/by-his-own-standards-stephen-harper-is-a-colossal-failure/">FAIL</a>-ure." David Prettyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11223458627724051713noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1660706916750956362.post-91292918141779174182015-03-11T16:29:00.003-04:002015-03-12T11:07:51.559-04:00A Long And Prosperous Career<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">Image <a href="http://www.spritzletterario.com/senza-categoria/addio-leonard-nimoy/">source</a>. </span></div>
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Live Long and Prosper, Fellow Trekkers! <br />
<br />
On February 27, 2015 celebrated actor, writer, director and photographer Leonard Nimoy succumbed to chronic obstructive pulmonary disease brought on by a lifetime of smoking. Nimoy had come forward with this diagnosis only about a year ago, via a series of Tweets:<br />
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As Spock himself might say: "The practice of voluntarily inhaling carcinogenic smoke for pleasure is highly illogical." <br />
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Now, I've already talked about the <i>photon-torpedo-style</i> impact that the original <i>Star Trek</i> had on my childhood and my imagination. Episodes such as "<a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.ca/2010/10/obligatory-halloween-post.html">The Corbomite Maneuver</a>" and "What Are Little Girls Made Of?" scared the ever-lovin' bejesus outta me, "Arena", "Balance of Terror" and "The Doomsday Machine" thrilled me and "The City on the Edge of Forever" caused my brain to explode and leak out of my left ear. <br />
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Notwithstanding the hideously-dated, (not-so) special-effects, swingin' 60's aesthetic and cringe-worthy lapses into <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S6L5J-iUsm4">sexism</a>, <i>Star Trek</i> was still light years ahead of its time. At the heart of the show's appeal was the trifecta relationship between the fiery Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy (DeForest Kelley), walking gonad / Horatio Hornblower-wannabe Captain James T. Kirk (William Shatner) and, of course, the emotionless Vulcan science officer Spock, played to unparalleled perfection by Nimoy.<br />
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Sci-fi fans owe Leonard a boundless debt of gratitude since he personally innovated several famous Vulcan customs. For example, Spock's famous hand sign greeting can be directly attributed to the actor's Jewish heritage:<br />
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As a socially-awkward only child growing up in self-imposed isolation, I really identified with Spock. He was sharp, guarded, outwardly self-assured but visibly different and because of this he was often the subject of undermining ridicule, disproportionate criticism and blatant hostility. Perhaps the most telling thing about Gene Roddenberry's vision of the future is that, in spite of all of our progress in science, technology, medicine and interstellar travel, human beings will still fall prey to xenophobia from time to time. Contrary to what the average Republican believes, prejudice is something that our primitive reptilian brains will always be forced to contend with.<br />
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Typically Spock dealt with this human flaw with characteristic aplomb: usually with a raised eyebrow and a dismissive shot at the barbarity of Earth history. This often left Doctor McCoy apoplectic with rage and inadvertently becoming Exhibit "A" in Spock's case against the dangers of unchecked human emotions. Checkmate, Doctor. <br />
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Here Spock and McCoy debate the ethical ramifications of the life-creating Genesis torpedo from <i>Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan</i>:<br />
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<u><b>McCoy</b></u>: Dear Lord. You think we're intelligent enough to... suppose... what if this thing were used where life already exists?<br />
<u><b>Spock</b></u>: It would destroy such life in favor of its new matrix.<br />
<u><b>McCoy</b></u>: Its "new matrix"? Do you have any idea what you're saying?<br />
<u><b>Spock</b></u>: I was not attempting to evaluate its moral implications, Doctor. As a matter of cosmic history, it has always been easier to destroy than to create.<br />
<u><b>McCoy</b></u>: Not anymore; now we can do both at the same time! According to myth, the Earth was created in six days. Now, watch out! Here comes Genesis! We'll do it for you in six minutes!<br />
<u><b>Spock</b></u>: Really, Dr. McCoy. You must learn to govern your passions; they will be your undoing. Logic suggests...<br />
<u><b>McCoy</b></u>: Logic? My God, the man's talking about logic; we're talking about universal Armageddon! You green-blooded, inhuman... <br />
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As a viewer I always got the impression that the constant barrage of <i>Romulan-water-torture</i>-style cheap shots and subtle verbal bullying heaped upon Spock over the years were building up to some sort of breaking point. On those rare occasions when Spock <i>did</i> snap, it usually involved some powerful exterior influence, whether it be a chronic case of Vulcan case of blue balls, as in "Amok Time":<br />
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Or an emotion-twisting space virus like in "The Naked Time":<br />
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Or some mind-bending plant spores, as evidenced in "This Side of Paradise":<br />
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It's probably super-naive to say this, but I wonder if things would have turned out differently if the Columbine kids were Trekkies instead of fans of <i>Natural Born Killers</i>. Although I'd never blame music, books or movies for societal ills, Spock's penchant for taking the higher ground is pretty admirable when compared to the nihilistic actions of Mickey and Mallory. <br />
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More evidence that the original <i>Trek</i> was way ahead of its time: the show became a massive hit in syndication <i>years</i> after it was prematurely cancelled. When it became a full-fledged cultural phenomenon, the stars of the show were instantly catapulted into dizzying levels of fame. So closely associated were they with these iconic, larger-than-life characters, that many of them struggled with typecasting. And since no one was more iconic than Spock, Nimoy faced particular challenges.<br />
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After putting out a <i>methinks-thou-dost-protest-too-much</i> autobiography titled <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Am_Not_Spock"><i>I Am Not Spock</i></a>, rumors began to swirl that Nimoy refused to appear in <i>Star Trek II</i> unless his Vulcan alter-ego was killed off. Even though there's barely any pre-internet <a href="http://news.google.com/newspapers?id=WV5GAAAAIBAJ&sjid=pjINAAAAIBAJ&pg=3893,491641">evidence</a> to support this, it didn't prevent hordes of unbalanced Trekkies from sending death threats to the actor. Wow, talk about ungoverned passions! <br />
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In spite of this distasteful experience, Nimoy seemed to warm up to Spock not long after. This may have, in part, been due to the widespread success of <i>The Wrath of Khan</i> as well as the opportunity to direct two of the franchise's most successful sequels: <i>The Search for Spock</i> in 1984 and <i>The Voyage Home</i> in 1986. Whatever the reason, Nimoy seemed content with his legacy, publishing the apologetic-sounding <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Am_Spock"><i>I Am Spock</i></a> follow-up bio as an olive branch to fans in 1995. <br />
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Via this one humble little blog entry I hope to convey just how versatile and well-rounded Leonard was. In addition to directing movies with the words "Star" and "Trek" in the title, he also gave us this seminal 80's comedy hit:<br />
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Nimoy also hosted one of the earliest and most intriguing "mysteries of the universe"-type shows: <i>In Search Of...</i><br />
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Although we're in the midst of a promising wave of body acceptance awareness, the subject wasn't quite as sexy back in 2007. Leonard was on the vanguard of this movement with the Full Body Project, a series of photographs which tried to present some more realistic examples of proud female beauty.<br />
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Even though I feel ridiculous saying this, the following link is decidedly not suitable for work:<br />
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<a href="http://wineandbowties.com/art/the-full-body-project-by-leonard-nimoy/">THE FULL BODY PROJECT BY LEONARD NIMOY (NSFW)</a> </div>
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Leonard got his start in live theater and by all accounts his performances as Tevye in <i>Fiddler on the Roof</i>, Randle McMurphy in <i>One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest</i> and the title role in the Royal Shakespeare Company's <i>Sherlock Holmes</i> garnered considerable acclaim. In 1981, he starred in <i>Vincent</i>, a one-man show based on the life of artist Vincent van Gogh.<br />
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Then there's his subtle-but-memorable turn as a cold-fish, Dr. Phil-type pop psychologist in Philip Kaufman's chilling remake of <i>Invasion of the Body Snatchers</i> (1978):<br />
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And who could possible forget his self-depreciating vocal performance in the "Marge vs. The Monorail" episode of <i>The Simpsons</i>?:<br />
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Leonard is gone now and I can't help but feel that a chunk of reality or a piece of the universe is missing. I'll always be grateful to him for making me feel considerably more fortified as a kid and I think that everyone else should miss him for all of the innovative things he did for pop culture and the rest of his fellow human beings.<br />
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<b><u>EPIC FEELS</u></b> Damn, it's times like this when I wish that the Vulcan ritual of <i>kolinahr</i> was a real thing.<br />
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<u><b>EPIC HUMAN #1</b></u> I dare you to get through <a href="http://www.npr.org/blogs/codeswitch/2015/02/27/389589676/leonard-nimoys-advice-to-a-biracial-girl-in-1968">this</a> without blubbering like a space virus-infected Vulcan.<u><b><br /></b></u><br />
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<u><b>EPIC HUMAN #2</b></u> Leonard was a <a href="http://trekmovie.com/2014/07/31/koenig-leonard-nimoy-fought-to-get-nichelle-nichols-pay-equity-for-star-trek-nimoy-confirms/">pay equity champion</a> long before...well, long before women were forced to bring this insane issue up again just recently. <br />
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<u><b>EPIC TUNE</b></u> In addition to all of his other accomplishments, Nimoy was a pretty rad singer / songwriter. Check out this half-groovy, all-nerdy, 100% pimp geek anthem:<br />
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P.S. I don't know what the deal is with Leonard and memorable hand gestures but my friends and I have officially re-dubbed the gang sign that he throws up @ 1:16 as THE NIMOY. We still use it routinely in casual conversation. Yeah, that's right, <i>we're cool</i>. <br />
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<u><b>EPIC MINI DOC</b></u> <i>Leonard Nimoy's Boston. </i>As Spock himself might say: "Fascinating."<br />
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<u><b>SEMI-EPIC MEME</b></u> Just to address the obvious question on your mind, Gentle Reader:<br />
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<u><b>THE <i>I AM NOT SPOCK</i> COSTUME FAIL</b></u> Seriously, this is what I was wearing when I left the house last Halloween. Needless to way, I'm <i>w-a-a-a-a-a-a-y</i> too round-headed to pull off the inherent dignity of Spock. I look more like <a href="http://www.treknews.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/denise-crosby-tng-sela.jpg">Denise Crosby as Sela</a>, fer f#ck sakes. <br />
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<u><b>THE <i>I AM DEFINITELY NOT SPOCK</i> FAIL</b></u> Dear J.J. Abrams, Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman and Damon Lindelof: if the S.I.N.O. (Spock In Name Only) who appears in your remake / reboot / re-imagining / spiritual travesty is trying to solve problems by REPEATEDLY PUNCHING PEOPLE OVER AND OVER AGAIN IN THE FACE then you really don't have single clue about this character. IMHO, this one scene alone is resignation-worthy. Hang your heads in shame, you attention-deficit-disorder clowns!<br />
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David Prettyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11223458627724051713noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1660706916750956362.post-30599806541941149052015-01-27T14:35:00.002-05:002015-01-27T16:54:15.617-05:00* mic drop *<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Greetings, Loyal Listeners. <br />
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By all accounts, January is a pretty depressing time of year. The last remnants of your vacation time have been frittered away. Everything is cold and dark and dead. Holiday bills come due with a vengeance. Theatrical movie releases <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-YFyu9aAZow">suck even more bawlz than usual</a>.<br />
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As such, January is probably not the best time for me to do my annual "year in review" blog entry. <i>And it's certainly not the best time for me to ponder the last scheduled Emblogification Capture Device post ever.</i><br />
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A year and some change ago I started to look for a part-time job in order to avoid the inevitability of being dragged kicking and screaming away from my keyboard. In doing so I made the following three wishes to the Employment Genie:<br />
<ol>
<li><u><b>It Had To Be Mobile</b></u> In order to have a hope in hell of continuing my writing "career" I had to find something that kept me on my feet and as far away as possible from a computer monitor. Why? Because previous experience told me that slaving away at a sedentary, computer-centric call-center job all day long would annihilate any remaining desire I'd have to go home, sit down and irradiate my eyeballs even further in the cold regard of a blank Microsoft Word document.</li>
<li><u><b>It Had To Make Sense</b></u> In other words, I had to work at something that kept my conscience clear, something that I didn't have to fake aptitude or interest in. I didn't want to work for some greedy, monolithic, corporate giant again - especially one that seemed intent on wiping mom-and-pop competitors right off the planet with Borg-like precision and ruthlessness. I wanted to work for a small, independent, innovative business that was trying to do something different. I wanted to help this entrepreneurial David fend off all of the overbearing, hyper-competitive Goliaths out there. </li>
<li><u><b>It Had To Be Populated With Cool People</b></u> Not people who rejoice at the beginning of every new cycle of <i>Big Brother</i>. Not people who keep paying Adam Sandler to take <a href="http://gawker.com/adam-sandler-admits-blended-was-an-excuse-for-a-vacatio-1580598904">vacations</a>. Not people who have an allergic reaction to the word "socialism" or barely tolerate the existence of gay people or get irrationally pissed off whenever the word "religion" is brought up for public scrutiny. With so many people my age and older throwing themselves upon the oblivion grenade for their kids or just making a conscious decision to preserve their outlook on life in carbonite, I started to crave fresh blood like Nosferatu with a mid-life crisis. I wanted to be surrounded by young, smart, creative, willful, work-in-progress people who are still striving to get better.</li>
</ol>
And let me tell you folks, <i>I hit the freakin' jackpot</i>. <br />
<br />
I started working at a place which fulfilled all of my wildest expectations in spades. Unfortunately I'd neglected to lobby the Job Fairy for one other very important criterion:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sor9GzivGbk">MONEY</a></div>
<br />
You know...<i>cash, simoleons, bread, funds, greenbacks</i> - the precious pieces of polymer paper that help us poor, brainwashed, capitalists plebes distinguish between who's leading the pack in the rat-race. A.K.A. the root of all evil. A.K.A. the bane of my fucking existence.<br />
<br />
No surprise, but most of my twenty-something co-workers are also living paycheck to paycheck. Even worse, many of them were still being fleeced by a greedy, opportunistic, for-profit education system that wants to see them <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EOsvA5xFENM">buried in debt</a> up to their sparkly eyeballs for the rest of their lives. If I had any say in the matter a <a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/worldviews/wp/2014/10/29/7-countries-where-americans-can-study-at-universities-in-english-for-free-or-almost-free/">college-level education would be free</a> in this country and even the lowly fry-jockey would be able to earn a <a href="http://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2013/08/the-magical-world-where-mcdonalds-pays-15-an-hour-its-australia/278313/">respectable living wage</a>.<br />
<br />
But since I'm probably not gonna be elected Emperor of North America any time soon kids in their twenties will continue to be poorer then church mice. Now, I'm not saying that we should just accept this as some sort of mandatory rite of passage, quite the opposite. What I <i>am</i> saying that it's more socially acceptable to be broke if you're just starting out in life. Christ knows that <i>I</i> was dirt poor at their age, but now my inability to be upwardly mobile along with the rest of my crusty-ass peers is starting to wear on me. <br />
<br />
The sad fact is that we're all willful participants in a consumption-driven system that's designed to underscore how well you're doing versus someone else. Self-improvement, seeking knowledge and trying to make the world a better place through creative pursuits is pretty much irrelevant. In our society it's much more prestigious to be house-poor, lease a new car, breed like a rabbit or <i>rent-to-own</i> a shiny new sofa. That's the<i> real</i> barometer to gauge whether or not you're winning at life.<br />
<br />
Well, I personally can't subscribe to this outlook. The perpetually-dangling carrot has never motivated me. Honestly, I don't want to live in a suburban <i>cul-de-sac</i>, crammed in between two other mouth breathers who are silently trying to goad me into some sort of perpetual lawn care competition. I don't want to bring kids into the world because the joint's a real dump right now. And I <i>really</i> don't miss buying future landfill just to feel a momentary rush of endorphins. <br />
<br />
Although I don't <i>want</i> a new car I kinda need a new one because mine is over ten years old and both the engine <i>and</i> the airbag lights are on. I'm no mechanic but I'm pretty sure that's probably not a good thing. And although I don't want to live in the sort of <i>cut-and-paste</i> neighborhood where the Barenaked Ladies shot their "<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w3AmY5HXzgA">Call And Answer</a>" video, I <i>would</i> like to stop throwing my money into the incinerator bin marked RENT. At this stage in the game I'd settle for a small lakeside cabin in the woods or a tiny bungalow on route to the beach. I'd also like to have a dog. Homeless people have dogs, why can't I?<br />
<br />
Most of all I want to travel again. I haven't gone anywhere in the past two years and it's starting to get on my nerves. I'm <i>this close</i> to humoring the possibility of becoming a groundskeeper at some clothing-optional resort down south somewhere. I don't care; I'll provide my own towel, floppy hat and twenty-gallon drum of genital-friendly SPF 90 sunscreen.<br />
<br />
Looking back over the entries here I've detected something that vaguely resembles a theme. If I'm working away at a job I like then I'm not going to get paid for it but if I'm toiling away in a mental and physical salt mine then I'm bound to make more bling than Croesus himself. Case and point: I'm currently working part-time and making less than half the money I was earning at my last "<i>hit-the-feeder-bar-and-get-a-pellet</i>" job. I'm not losing money but I'm also not making much in the way of headway either. <br />
<br />
Long before Frank Miller <a href="http://www.wired.com/2014/08/frank-miller-sin-city-a-dame-to-kill-for/">went nuts</a> and turned into the sort of extreme fascist asshole that's parodied by connotation in his own books, he was a lean and hungry aspiring writer and artist. Determined to break into the comic book biz, he began stalking his favorite Batman artist <a href="http://www.nealadams.com/">Neal Adams</a>. As Miller's ersatz mentor, Neal was pretty vicious in his appraisal of the young ingenue: <br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>“He told me that I was just no damn good, and I would never be any good,” Miller said recently. “But my problem is I got fired from every other job I ever had. So it was either comics or nothing.” </i></span></div>
<br />
Even though I can't relate to Frank's more recent soundbites, this definitely resonates with me. I wish I could go back in time and convince twenty-year-old me to just suck it up, pay your dues and try to make a go of it. Now I find myself feeling old, tired, left behind and distinctly pathetic. <br />
<br />
To make matters worse, whenever I look at all of these high-paying, so-called "adult" career jobs all I can think is <i>"boring"..."boring"... "unqualified"..."boring"..."sedentary"..."I could totally do that but I don't have a piece of paper proving that I can do that"..."sedentary and boring"..."boring"... "suicide-inducing"..."hideously unqualified" ..."boring"... "boring"</i>. To paraphrase Frank "every other job I've ever had either depressed me or made me sick so it's either writing or nothing."<br />
<br />
But boo-<i>fuckin'</i>-hoo, amirite? A lot of people have the same "I'm better than this" <i>*slash*</i> "My destiny lies upon a higher path" delusions of grandeur. But then again, a lot of people don't. I remember asking one of my fellow managers at Sears what her dream job was and she actually replied: "Oh, I'd love to be a secretary at a nice office somewhere!" Honestly, I looked at her as if she'd just expressed a sincere desire to be the Lead Quality Control Taste Tester for the vomit, booger, rotten egg and earwax-flavored Bertie Botts Beans. <br />
<br />
I'm not planning to post here again but, hey, crazier things have happened. I doubt that I'll be able to keep my big trap shut as we get closer to the next federal election. Or if more artists are killed for the mortal sin of parody. Or if ISIS gets close to establishing a caliphate. Or if <i>American Sniper</i> becomes the top grossing film of all time. Or if Kim Jong-Un is named the new head of the MPAA. In fact, I'd like nothing more then to explore every one of these topics <i>right the falk now</i>. <br />
<br />
I'd like to think that I've written some pretty good stuff here. When I first started this blog almost <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.ca/2010/04/resurrections-are-big-this-time-of-year.html">five years ago</a> (!) it was glaringly obvious that I couldn't write myself out of a paper bag but now I consider myself to be vaguely passable. And it's all thanks to the public forum that this blog has provided for me. <br />
<br />
I'll continue to maintain my <a href="http://yetanotherfriggingamingblog.blogspot.ca/">entertainment</a> and <a href="http://yetanotherfriggingamingblog.blogspot.ca/">tabletop gaming</a> blogs as best I can but I'm pretty much done with ye olde Emblogification Capture Device. Given a choice between posting a new entry here or finishing a chapter for my new book I'm gonna opt with the latter every time. At least I made a coupla bucks from my <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Brothers-Keeper-The-DeathQuest-Saga-ebook/dp/B004QS96MK">first book</a>.<br />
<br />
As I finish the final edit on this I can't help but anticipate the end of superfluous ol' January. The days are already getting longer and with that I feel inspired to end things on hopeful and positive note.<br />
<br />
If a dude can make over four million dollars from a game about <a href="https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/elanlee/exploding-kittens">exploding kittens</a> then surely there's still some room left out there for l'il ol' me.<br />
<br />
<u><b>EPIC SENTIMENT</b></u>: <br />
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<u><b>EPIC SENTIMENT II</b></u>:<br />
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<u><b>THE "MAMAS DON'T LET YER BABIES GROW UP TO BE WRITERS" FAIL</b></u>:<br />
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Seriously, world...<i>fuck you</i>. <br />
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<br />David Prettyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11223458627724051713noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1660706916750956362.post-75307779694423055722014-12-23T12:56:00.000-05:002014-12-29T11:26:06.407-05:00A Force Awakens...In My Pants<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Greetings Star Warriors! <br />
<br />
This blog didn't exist back in 1998 when the trailer for <i><a href="http://www.cnet.com/uk/news/how-the-star-wars-the-phantom-menace-trailer-made-web-history/">Star Wars: The Phantom Menace</a></i> first dropped. In fact the term "blog" was coined only one year earlier. There <i>were</i> plenty of internet forums (like <a href="http://www.aintitcool.com/">Ain't It Cool News</a>, for example) and every single one of them immediately exploded in reaction to seeing the first original moving images from "A Galaxy Far, Far Away" in fifteen years. Fans even crazier than yours truly bought tickets to movies showing the <i>Phantom Menace</i> trailer just to see it up on the big screen...and then promptly walked out of the theater again. <br />
<br />
But then, when the actual film was released in May of 1999, it was as if a million nerd voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.<br />
<br />
In spite the reparations that came courtesy of the <i>Clone Wars</i> cartoon series, the prequel trilogy has pretty much been relegated to the dustbin of pop culture history. If you don't believe me then look at how often the characters from <i>Star Wars</i>, <i>The Empire Strikes Back</i> and <i>Return of the Jedi</i> are used in promotion and advertising for the saga versus the prequel characters. <br />
<br />
The once-beloved and now grievously-tarnished space opera was forced to go to fallow for another decade. During this time a scorned, confused, weary and apparently oblivious George Lucas gave up trying to reconcile our fickle demands for frivolous thing like "story", "dialogue", "characters" and "quality" and pawned the whole <i>kit-and-caboodle</i> off to Disney for a cool <a href="http://uproxx.com/gammasquad/2012/10/lucas-sells-star-wars-to-disney-star-wars-episode-7-on-the-way-seriously/">four billion space-credits</a>. When the omnipotent entertainment giant / talking mouse soapbox bought this license to print money it wasn't a matter of <i>if</i> more films would be produced but how quickly, how many and how well.<br />
<br />
Immediately my hackles went up but then three things happened in quick succession they gave this crusty old fanboy A NEW HOPE. First off Disney hired J.J. Abrams to direct. Now, anyone who's seen Abrams' rebooted <i>Star Trek</i> knows that this was little more than a consolation prize to him. It certainly didn't come as a shock to me when he famously told Jon Stewart that he "<a href="http://popwatch.ew.com/2013/05/14/j-j-abrams-star-trek-star-wars-daily-show/">didn't like <i>Star Trek</i> as a kid</a>". Clearly Abrams would have preferred to direct a new <i>Star Wars</i> flick back in 2007 but instead he had to settle on ruining <i>Star Trek</i>, shoe-horning the relatively-intellectual property into the incongruous realm of space opera. At least now his "whiz-bang" sensibilities are focused in the <a href="http://popwatch.ew.com/2013/05/14/j-j-abrams-star-trek-star-wars-daily-show/">right place</a>. <br />
<br />
Second, they brought back the Original Trilogy cast. Now let it be known that I don't want the OT crew to be treated like paragons at the expense of everything else. I want these new films to focus on a fresh-faced pack of Rebels and Imperials. By the same token, I'm glad that we're headed back into uncharted territory instead of mining ancient history. The fact that Luke, Leia, Han, Chewie, 3PO and R2 will be there to usher them (and us) along is just gravy.<br />
<br />
And, frankly, the fact that they lured Harrison Ford back into the cockpit of the <i>Millennium Falcon</i> is enough of a minor miracle to pique my interest. <br />
<br />
But here's the thing that really gives me optimism: the movies aren't being written by George Lucas. In my humble opinion the Original Trilogy succeeded mainly because it was still the product of collaborative film-making. In order to get the first two movies off the ground Lucas had to rely on other talented people to make up for his own deficits. His original screenplay for <i>The Star Wars </i>was as boring, impenetrable, dorky and scatterbrained as the prequel trilogy scripts but thanks to genuinely gifted scribes like Gloria Katz and Willard Huyck, the story was hammered into something film-able.<br />
<br />
The main thing that <i>The Force Awakens</i> has going for it is a return to the winning formula that made the original films so good in the first place. Lucas contributed some basic story ideas which <i>Empire</i> and <i>Jedi</i> screenwriter Lawrence Kasdan has (hopefully) managed to parley into a decent story featuring three-dimensional characters who experience pain, growth and change and interact with one another like real(ish) human beings.<br />
<br />
All of these things have conspired to give fans both lapsed and loyal a raging nerd-semi. This came to a head back on November 28'th when Disney ignored the hollow threats of Kim Kardashian and <i>really</i> broke the internet with the following teaser trailer:<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/OMOVFvcNfvE" width="560"></iframe>
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And since we live in a sad, navel-gazing age in which every chuckle-head with a webcam is considered to be a unique and beautiful snowflake with something valid to say, we were immediately deluged by a veritable tsunami of fan made "reaction" videos. Hey, news flash "WAMPARULEZPICARDSROOLZRONPAUL2012": I really don't give a flying frig what you think! Especially when forming an opinion about an unfinished film based on one ninety-second teaser trailer is like doing a movie review for <i>Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy</i> based on the Netflix summary.<br />
<br />
At the risk of looking slightly two-faced here's some neutral observations about the teaser trailer and the inexplicable psychosis that it seems to be generating.<br />
<br />
(1) The thing starts up with a dramatic voice-over about the Force waking up. What's wrong with the Force? Is it hung over? In a coma? Did it make the mistake of taking a double dose of NyQuil? Regardless, this is the first time I can recall hearing the "Light Side of the Force" being referred to as its own thing. Before it was just "the Force" and "the Dark Side". Is this significant somehow? Well, I <i>could</i> answer that but since I'd be talking out of my own ass I'm just gonna go ahead and not indulge in rampant speculation. See how easy that was? Let's move on...<br />
<br />
(2) John Boyega as Finn pops up out of the bottom of the frame looking decidedly sweaty and distressed. Little wonder: he's wearing a full set of Art Deco stormtrooper armor in the freaking desert, presumably Tatooine. Plus it sounds as if he's being pursued by an <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGYYIwOVAIE">Imperial Probe Droid</a>.<br />
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Now, apparently some Cheeto-stained basement dwellers out there have decided to bitch about the concept of a black stormtrooper. Seriously? I can understand complaining about Boba Fett and the stormtroopers being descended from a bunch of freakin' Kiwis, but that's only because it forced Lucas to redact things in the original films that were perfectly fine to begin with. Besides, Finn could have pilfered a suit of armor just like Luke and Han did in <i>A New Hope</i>.<br />
<br />
But even if he <i>is</i> a lapsed Imperial soldier, who cares? <i>Star Wars</i> is a fantasy, and mercifully it doesn't have to subscribe to the prejudices and failings of our own modern society. In fact, if there's any legitimate complaint about the Original Trilogy it's that the main cast was uniformly W.A.S.P.-y. Even worse: Vader, the BIG BAD, was the only character to be voiced by a person of color: James Earl Jones.<br />
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<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pgTuarwFm6s">Gentrification</a>!!!<br />
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Thank God Lando showed up in <i>Empire</i>. Which brings me to a related aside: where the f#ck is Billy Dee Williams? Seriously, if he doesn't appear in any of these sequels I'm gonna make a pilgrimage to San Diego Comic Con just to plow J.J. Abrams in the melon with a bottle of Colt .45.<br />
<br />
Sorry, I digress.<br />
<br />
The rampant butt hurt about this point highlights one major downside about the internet. Back in the day, when one of your "<i>I-think-this-dweeb-is-way-too-dweeby-to-be-hanging-out-with-dweeby-me-and-my-dweeby-friends</i>" would say something like "Stormtroopers can't be black!" you could all turn to this social retard and stare at him until he shut up.<br />
<br />
But now, thanks to the omniscient and global reach of the innerwebs, friendless / dickless wonders like this can disseminate their warped vitriol all over the planet and, even worse, have their bullshit backed up by a small handful of similarly-minded idiots. And then, to make matters <i>ten times worse</i>, our feckless media has the unmitigated gall to treat this bullshite like a legitimate story that actually warrants our attention. This results in a never-ending cycle of stupidity. <br />
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Which reminds me, if we're smart enough to build the internetz in the first place, then why can't we build a decent douchebag filter for the damned thing?<br />
<br />
(3) We then get a quick glimpse of a young, fresh-domed, eager l'il go-gettin' astromech droid named BB-8 just a-truckin' along.<br />
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Again, for some inexplicable reason, people are losin' their ever-lovin' Bantha shit over this. R2-D2 might have been more intrinsically and genuinely lovable at first sight but if I were to tell you just half of the behind-the-scenes stories about that drunken little bastard it would curl your hair.<br />
<br />
The sad truth is: R2-D2 had a Bender-like addiction to alcohol-based lubricants which is probably why the producers of <i>Episode VII</i> decided to marry his design with that of a Dyson vacuum cleaner. While he was all <a href="http://vimeo.com/7826947">gooned up on the sauce</a>, R2 had a terrible habit of colliding into stuff, wandering off course, getting hung up on pebbles and / or tipping over at a moments notice. To be brutally honest, he was about as reliable on set as Amanda Bynes.<br />
<br />
BB-8 also addresses one of my biggest gripes about how little technology seemed to change in the twenty years between <i>Revenge of the Sith</i> and <i>A New Hope</i>. Same droids, same blasters, same spaceships....<i>b-o-o-o-o-o-o-ring</i>. At least this agile little guy displays a modicum of design evolution.<br />
<br />
(4) Next up are some Mark II stormtroopers. Or, like Mark IV if you not a filthy prequel denier like me.<br />
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A part of me is sad that we won't be seeing the classic stormtrooper design but I suppose we've seen platoons of those poor, Rebellion-era bastards slaughtered wholesale in the original movies, the novels, the comics, board games, video games and fan films. Abrams probably concluded, rather wisely, that we needed to see a new threat.<br />
<br />
Which brings me to the beef I have with stormtrooper critics who keep making fun of their supposed inability to hit stuff:<br />
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<i>F#ck you, </i>Poindexter.<br />
<br />
If sit and think about it for a minute you'll realize that the stormtroopers were actually a pretty ruthless bunch. They whacked Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru, slaughtered a bunch of Jawas, blasted C-3PO into bits and managed to shoot both R2-D2 and Princess Leia. At the very least, their hit percentage is vastly superior to the goons hired by your average James Bond villain. Or C.O.B.R.A. soldiers. So go eat a bag of rancor dicks, you haterz.<br />
<br />
Ultimately, I'm glad that they tweaked their design a little bit. The change immediately gives the viewer an impression that you're dealing with something new, more badass and more lethal.<br />
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Plus, sharp-eyed viewers might have noticed that one of them looks "a little short" to be a stormtrooper. Could that be John Boyega as Finn in disguise?<br />
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<i><b><span style="font-size: large;">***BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRMMMMPPP!!!***</span></b></i></div>
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<b>RAMPANT SPECULATION ALERT!</b></div>
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Let's move on, shall me?<br />
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(5) We then see Daisy Ridley as Rey firing up her speeder bike:<br />
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As soon as I saw this I immediately thought of an old sketch that Original Trilogy concept designer Ralph McQuarrie did of Luke as a girl:<br />
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One of the dumbest and most ungrateful things that Lucas ever did was let his relationship with Ralph McQuarrie lapse during pre-production for <i>Return of the Jedi</i>. Ralph doesn't get nearly enough credit for his role in shaping the look and feel of the <i>Star Wars</i> universe. Truth is, he came up with the basic design for many of the saga's most iconic characters, ships and sets.<br />
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In fact, his famous production painting featuring <a href="http://a.dilcdn.com/bl/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2014/08/ralph_mcquarrie_droids_concept_art.png">R2-D2 and C-3PO on Tatooine</a> is one of the main reasons why 20'th Century Fox decided to bankroll <i>Star Wars</i> in the first place. I really do believe that his absence from the prequels is why those films looked so boring, uninspired and forgettable.<br />
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But ever since Disney took over they've started to make amends. Even though Ralph passed away in 2012 the producers of both <i>Rebels</i> and <i>The Force Awakens</i> are using many of Ralph's old sketches to create some visual connective tissue between the the original trilogy and these new shows. And I, for one, couldn't be happier. <br />
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(6) For a precious few seconds we get to see Poe Dameron in the cockpit of some sort of fighter aircraft. To further my previous point, his helmet and flight suit are highly-reminiscent of Luke's pilot gear in the Original Trilogy, but tweaked just enough to convey a sense of design evolution that's hypothetically occurred over the past twenty / thirty years or so.<br />
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And then the camera pulls back to show that he's actually flying some sort of evolved X-wing. The look is slightly different but the whine of the quad engines is an unmistakable and immediate hit of full-bore nostalgia. If nothing else, at least J.J. Abrams knows that impactful sound effects make for a very effective trailer. <br />
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(7) The next thing we see is an intense-looking black-cloaked dude stop in the middle of a dark snow-covered forest and ignite a triple-bladed light saber.<br />
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Of everything in the trailer, this seems to have pissed people off the most. Sorry, but if you thought that Darth Maul's double bladed staff-saber was kosher but this design somehow ruins <i>Star Wars</i> and destroys your fragile eggshell mind, then you really need to drink a tall, cool pint of shut the f#ck up.<br />
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I'm actually going to let Steven Colbert field this one for me:<br />
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We miss you already, buddy! Please don't leave us alone with all of these idiots!<br />
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Admittedly I'm still not one-hundred percent sold on Stephen's explanation on how this hilt is supposed to protect the wielder's hands but again I refer you to point <i>numero uno</i> about drawing a distinct line between fantasy and reality.<br />
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(8) Finally, fifteen years worth of prequel regret, disdain and denial is suddenly wiped away as the <i>Star Wars</i> fanfare blares. We follow the dizzying climb and decent of the hallowed <i>Millennium Falcon</i> as it bottoms out and then flies straight toward a small swarm of T.I.E. fighters, their twin ion engines screaming and their blasters hissing like sky-borne serpents.<br />
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But wait, what's that you say? The <i>Falcon's</i> radar dish has been changed from circular to rectangular?<br />
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<i>*flips table and stalks off , muttering about how J.J. Abrams is ruining the franchise and molesting my childhood*</i></div>
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<b><u>EPIC REACTION VIDEO</u></b> Rich Evans from <a href="http://redlettermedia.com/">Red Letter Media</a> serves up the one and only reaction video you'll ever need to watch:<br />
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<b><u>EPIC DESIGNER</u></b> Here's a great mini-doc about the late, great Ralph McQuarrie. Watch this and getcher self edumacated, kids.<br />
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<b><u>A FAILURE TO FAIL</u></b> I was gonna provide a link to this whole RACIST <i>STAR WARS</i> FANS ARE RACIST thing since it's clearly the FAIL-iest FAIL that ever FAIL-ed a FAIL. But, then I thought: 'This non-opinion really doesn't deserve any more attention then it's already gotten'.<br />
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So, seriously, f#ck those guys. <i>F#ck 'em right up their thermal exhaust ports</i>.David Prettyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11223458627724051713noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1660706916750956362.post-58262652749327378692014-11-28T11:18:00.000-05:002014-12-01T10:35:16.479-05:00Far Away, So Close - HAL-CON 2014<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Greetings, Con Crawlerz! <br />
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Before I get into the meat of this month's entry, Gentle Reader, please permit me a brief biographical indulgence. <br />
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For close to four glorious years I lived life large, pretending to be a real, bonafide full-time independent writer, editor, novelist, videographer, and all-around busybody. And while this venture was supremely liberating it was also financially draining, eventually depleting my life savings down to a fraction of what it used to be. For the full story, please see the previous two-hundred and fifty one entries of this here bloggie. Assuming, of course, that you're particularly hard up for entertainment value. <br />
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This necessitated my tentative re-acquaintance with the reality of gainful employment. Mercifully I was lucky enough to snag a part-time job just over year ago that actually dovetails with my interests for the first time ever. Subsequently I've been trying to sustain a precarious balancing act between my creative pursuits at home and working at this new gig at night to keep the lights on. In popular parlance this is often referred to as "burning the candle at both ends". <br />
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Well, color me horrified when my new place of employ took on a major presence at HAL-CON 2014 and blacked out November 7'th to the 9'th for vacation time. Ever since this event rose phoenix-like from the ashes back in 2010 I've played amateur journalist every year: video-capturing the Q&A's, producing a series of independent promo reels, meeting celebrities, conducting interviews and much, much more. For further details here are the links to my previous HAL-CON-related entries:<br />
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<a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.ca/2011/11/connnnn.html">HAL-CON 2010/11</a> <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.ca/2012/11/connnnn-ii-awesome-ing.html">HAL-CON 2012</a> <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.ca/2013/11/perfectly-con-tent-hal-con-2013.html">HAL-CON 2013</a><br />
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Although I was disappointed by this blackout I also wasn't surprised. Working at a place with close ties to my geeky interests was always an occupational hazard. Paradox would be a constant risk where obligation and intent were concerned. <br />
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Now, if I had a brain in my head I would have looked at the HAL-CON event schedule and tried to scheduled around some of my usual must-sees. But since this was the first year of the blackout I really didn't want to impose any restrictions on my availability. Besides I'd already decided that my attendance this year was heavily dependent on what guests they brought on-board.<br />
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As an ersatz replacement for the late, lamented Fleet Con, HAL-CON was always mandatory attendance at first because me and my circle of peeps used it as an excuse to play board games all day long. But now that HAL-CON was doing it's own separate <a href="http://yetanotherfriggingamingblog.blogspot.ca/2014/09/the-best-of-one-world-hal-con-game-day.html">game day</a> I didn't have as much of a burning desire to attend the flagship event.<br />
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<i>Or so I thought.</i><br />
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When the likes of Michelle Forbes, Kristian Nairn, Morena Baccarin and the multi-talented Mark Sheppard were all announced as guests I started to experience major pangs of ennui regret. Distracted by my work, these feelings went from vague nagging to full-fledged panic as the big weekend drew closer.<br />
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This desperation prompted me to compose a pathetic eleventh hour "Hail Mary" email to the <i>powers- that-be</i> to see if I could, at the very least, document some of the guests Q&A's for my <a href="http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCmkNlkcsAjPUlxQKM0j7U3w">YouTube channel</a>. Much to my surprise not only were they totally open to this idea they bent over backwards to accommodate me. Needless to say, it's pretty awesome to be working for a non-authoritative / non-draconian work environment for the first time in my life. <br />
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Knowing that my odds of meeting any of the guests fell somewhere between "lottery winner" and "lightning strike victim" I didn't do any research or come up with any hypothetical questions. I just picked up some digital video tapes and then bombed into the event the next morning, duly armed with my <i>delusions-of- grandeur</i> inspiring vendor pass.<br />
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<b><u>DAY ONE: FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 7'th</u></b></div>
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<u><b>10 am - 2 am</b></u>: Worked.<br />
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<u><b>2:45 pm - 3:30 am</b></u>: Michelle Forbes Q&A.<br />
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I was super-stoked to see Michelle speak. I've been an ardent fan of hers ever since her character Lieutenant (née Ensign) Ro Laren finally made Bajorans interesting to me on <i>Star Trek: The Next Generation</i> . Over the years she's made tons of new fans by playing the <i>less-then-hinged</i> Admiral Helena Cain in <i>Battlestar Galactica: Razor</i> and the walking aphrodisiac sex monster Maryann "the Maenad" Forrester on <i>True Blood</i>.<br />
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For anyone out there who risks losing their tenuous grip on reality if they watch something that doesn't involve aliens, monsters or elves: you're really missing out. Michelle has appeared in a bunch of critically acclaimed dramas, including <i>Homicide: Life on the Street, 24</i> and most notable of late, <i>The Killing</i>. Plus if you haven't seen the movie <i>Kalifornia</i>, featuring Michelle, David Duchovny and a batshit nuts Juliette Lewis / Brad Pitt, then you need to rectify that shiznit A.S.A.P., son.<br />
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Beautiful in more ways than one, Michelle is one of those rare celebrities that seems completely devoid of pretension and totally down to earth. Despite having a rough trip to the con she was nothing but gracious, warm and approachable. Some guests claim to be excited to meet their fans, but Michelle really walks the walk. You can definitely get a sense of this as you watch her funny, informative and quite candid Q&A linked below: <br />
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By rights I should have been exhausted by the time my work obligations and the Q&A were over but the collective energy of like-minded people milling around really sustained me. As such, I spent the better part of the day shooting B-roll video of the vendors, auction items, models, props, video games, pinball machines and my usual haunt, the third floor gaming space.<br />
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Later that day I bumped into one of my regular HAL-CON cohorts, Sabina. Jetting to the front of the autograph lineups and claiming the closest Q&A seats thanks to the newfound powers inherent in her shiny, limited-edition Warp Pass, she was having an absolute blast. By the time I found her she was just about to get her photo taken with Kristian "Hodor" Nairn.<br />
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"You should totally jump into the picture with me!" she enthused.<br />
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"Oh no," I replied. "I don't think so."<br />
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"Why not?" she returned. "I've seen lots of guest photos that have two or three people in them. I'm gonna ask to see if it's okay!"<br />
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Sabina sure has come a long way. When she first started going to these things she was downright terrified by the prospects of meeting celebrities and now, here she was, strong-arming me into a photo opportunity with the gentle giant from <i>Game of Thrones</i>. Was this glorious feeling of drunken entitlement merely the result of her <i>now-veteran-level</i> con status or a side effect bestowed upon all Warp Pass holders? If it's the later, then I know why every one of them sold out in a matter of hours! <br />
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Before I could form another protestation we cut through the lineup like a White Walker's blade through a Stark's carcass (Starkass?). Sabina snagged the requisite approval, resulting in the following historic photo:<br />
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Two funny l'il pieces of trivia about this awesome snap:<br />
<ol>
<li>That look of shock and awe on my face is 100% genuine.</li>
<li>If you're looking at this and thinking "Wow, I didn't think Kristian would be so short" then you really need to know that he's SITTING DOWN ON A STOOL IN THIS PICTURE. I.E.<i> he's a big boy.</i> </li>
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In the brief time we shared with Kristian I got nothing but positive vibes from the dude. Happiness comes offa this guy in waves; just look at that genuine smile! Let's face it, he snagged a pretty sweet gig. He shows up to the <i>Game of Thrones</i> set, brightens up the place with his good karma, carries stuff around, never needs to memorize dialogue and gets to hang out with a lot of incredibly cool and creative people. Plus he's a master-class <a href="https://soundcloud.com/kristiannairn">D.J.</a> to boot! Indeed, Kristian is livin' large in more ways than one.<br />
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Later, when a few of my beloved coworkers were finished their shifts, we hung out together for awhile and played a tile-laying board game called <a href="http://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/112598/monster-factory"><i>Monster Factory</i></a>. As soon as we started into it I began to suspect that <i>Carcassonne</i> designer Klaus-Jürgen Wrede doesn't retain a particularly vigilant legal team.<br />
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In the game players take turns picking up and placing tiles, trying to perfectly time the creation of their boss monster before moving on to spawn a host of minions. The gross-out factor makes this one perfect for kids and the simplistic rules turned out to be a perfect fit for a bunch of mentally exhausted, punch-drunk retail monkeys. <br />
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I stuck around for as long as my energy level held out which was around 9:30 or so. I left that evening feeling pretty content, having enjoyed a surprisingly-fulfilling day.<br />
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<u><b>DAY TWO: SATURDAY NOVEMBER 8'th</b></u></div>
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I rolled in around 10:15 am to help my peeps set things up but then rushed off to document the:<br />
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<u><b>11:00 am - 11:45 am</b></u>: Morena Baccarin Q&A<br />
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As moderator Garrett Wang would likely attest, it was just a privilege to be
within line of sight of Morena for an hour. If you think she looks
incredible on screen in<i> Firefly, How I Met Your Mother, Stargate SG-1, V</i> and most recently in <i>The Red Tent</i> and <i>Gotham</i>, then you need to realize that she's even more striking in person.<br />
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But Morena isn't just another pretty face. She's shown tremendous range in such dramatic fare as <i>Homeland</i> and <i>Heartland</i> where she played Jessica Brody and Jessica Kivala respectively. <br />
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<i>Hmmm</i>, interesting. <i>Homeland. Heartland</i>. Jessica Brody. Jessica Kivala. Co-incidence? Perhaps...<br />
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The
other considerable compliment to Morena's unearthly beauty is that she's smart, sassy,
self-depreciating and funny as all get-out, as her insightful Q&A will attest:
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I get a bit morose watching this because I met Jewel Staite last year and I really wanted to meet Morena and get her autograph as well. Oh, well, maybe it's for the best. Standing in her presence I probably would have exploded like Ben Affleck at the end of <i>Dogma</i>.<br />
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As folks started to file out of the auditorium I remained rooted to the spot. Mark Sheppard's Q&A was up next and I didn't want to miss it. Knowing what I knew about Mark, I expected a pretty wild ride and he certainly didn't disappoint.<br />
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<u><b>12:00 pm - 12:45+ pm</b></u>: Mark Sheppard Q&A <br />
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Unless you've been living underneath a genre-warded rock for the past two decades then I guarantee you've seen Mark Sheppard somewhere. The first time I ever remember laying eyes him he was playing the pyrokenetic serial killer Cecil L'Ively in the first-season<i> X-Files </i>episode "Fire". Years later I marveled at his instinctive turn as the incompetent penny-ante minor crime boss Badger in <i>Firefly</i> and as Paddy Armstrong in the tremendous "Guildford Four" biopic <a href="http://entertainmenttourettes.blogspot.ca/2014/11/movie-review-in-name-of-father-by-david.html"><i>In The Name of the Father</i></a>.<br />
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<i>M.A.N.T.I.S., Battlestar Galactica, Sliders, Star Trek: Voyager, Charmed, Bionic Woman, Dollhouse, Doctor Who</i>: Mark's resume is so chock-a-block with sci-fi and fantasy credits that he arguably usurps Hugo Weaving's "King of the Nerds" crown. Speaking of royalty, his guest-starring gig as Crowley, the King of Hell and chief foil for the Brothers Winchester on <i>Supernatural</i> has generated so much buzz that he was elevated to the status of series regular in Season Ten!<br />
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Mark's been an accomplished musician ever since he was a wee lad growing up in London and this video certainly bears that out. Clearly he's comfortable being on stage and can work a crowd like an accomplished stand-up comedian.<br />
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So here it is, folks. Sit back, relax and enjoy what I consider to be the best HAL-CON Q&A I've ever seen: <br />
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<i><br /></i>
<i>The Mark Sheppard Happy Smile Time Show</i>™ ran a bit late so I had to scramble to get something to eat before my shift started. Pressed for time, I was forced to dislocate my jaw and swallow my chicken shwarma wrap whole like an anaconda as I ran back to my station.<br />
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<u><b>2 pm - 8 pm</b></u>: <a href="http://youtu.be/2v9Yo-oIjVU">WORKED</a>. <br />
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By the time my shift was over I was beat to a proverbial snot. At that advanced hour all of the autograph sessions and panels were done with so I just crawled home, knowing that I had yet another long day ahead of me on the morrow.<br />
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<u><b>DAY THREE: SUNDAY NOVEMBER 9'th</b></u></div>
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<u><b>10 am - 6 pm</b></u>: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpVJSMi2BAY">TWERKED</a>. No, wait... that's wrong. I actually WORKED. I got all of my twerking done the previous Sunday. <i>Sorry</i>. <br />
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My obligations kept me pretty busy that day so I couldn't break away at all. By the time I was done, everything of note was long since been over so I just helped the guys pack up the booth and then hit the bricks around 7:30 pm.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>***</b></span></div>
<br />
So yeah, <i>th-th-</i>that's all, folks! No autograph-related meet and greets. No guerrilla-style interviews. No board games played. No writing-related panels. No cool vendor finds. And, trust me, there were ample opportunities for all of this plus much, much more!<br />
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The most painful omissions included missing out on both Kristian Nairn and Garrett Wang's Q&As. I also had to pass on Mark Sheppard's Sunday afternoon "Bonus Round" Q&A, which, by all accounts, was just as raucous and memorable as the first. Sorry, but that just sucks. <br />
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Now, I don't want to make it sound is if I harbor any resentment towards work; quite the opposite in fact. The vendor pass I wore for most of the weekend gave
me the freedom to come and go as I pleased. I didn't pay to be there; in
fact I was <i>paid</i> to be. In other words, I was one of the only
HAL-CON attendees who walked out of the World Trade and Convention Centre Sunday
night richer than when I went in on Friday morning.<br />
<br />
Besides, the onus was on me to try and get scheduled around these things a lot earlier. And even when I sent that last-minute request as an afterthought my employers did everything they possibly do within their power to help me. It's times like this when I think about all of the poor local nerds out there who would have loved to have gone to HAL-CON but couldn't either because they didn't have the cheddar or their <i>all-too-terrestrial</i> work/life responsibilities kept them away. <br />
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Still, working through HAL-CON certainly wasn't my first choice. It was pretty painful at times; especially when my free-range friends popped by every once and awhile to tell me about all of the fun they were having. It was kinda like hearing your favorite band playing all of their best songs in another room while you're stuck working at the merch table.<br />
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If challenged to come up with an overarching central theme for this blog one possibility might be:<br />
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<i>"We earn money to do things we want to do but often can't do those things because we're too busy earning money." </i></div>
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Such is the irony inherent in our wacky modern <i>work-a-day</i> world. If I'm mad at anything I'm mad at society for making me choose between economic necessity and <i>once- in-a-lifetime</i> opportunities.<br />
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Here, let me give you another example. Back in 1997 my buddy Dean passed up going to a local outdoor music festival called <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.ca/2010/08/if-you-yell-play-freebird-one-more-time_02.html">Summersault</a> because he "had to work". In doing so he missed his chance to see A Perfect Circle, Foo Fighters and the Smashing Pumpkins, the later being one of <i>that</i> particular band's last live shows as a cohesive unit. Now, I know what<i> I</i> did that day but I daresay Dean would be hard-pressed to remember what was so <i>gorram</i> important at work that required him to miss out on something so incredible and unique. <br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<u><b>EPILOGUE</b></u>:</div>
<br />
If any of the HAL-CON organizers are reading this then rest assured that you guys totally hit it out of the park this year. After the "unlimited day pass" debacle of 2013 you more than made up for that little <i>faux pas</i>
this time out. Trust me, I met <i>hundreds</i> of people over the course of those three days and literally everyone I talked to seemed to be having the time of their lives. Kudos for once again making major strides to improve the pedigree of geek culture here in the Maritimes.<br />
<br />
<u><b>EPIC VID</b></u> If you were at HAL-CON this year then I calculate that there's about a 17% chance that you're somewhere in this video. <br />
<br />
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</div>
<u><b><br /></b></u>
<u><b>GLORIOUS CON FAILZ</b></u> Leave it to my favorite indie movie-makers @ Red Letter Media to take the piss out of the convention format by viciously skewering both No Brand Con and Chicago Comic Con:<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/Q_bYePrGpIg?rel=0" width="420"></iframe>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/xX-NdKNAxss?rel=0" width="560"></iframe>
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David Prettyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11223458627724051713noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1660706916750956362.post-1914544051655331882014-10-30T21:28:00.003-04:002014-10-31T11:07:38.618-04:00Obligatory Halloween Post Walks Among Us!Greetings, Fear Fiends!<br />
<br />
Not long after the events detailed in my very first <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.ca/2010/10/obligatory-halloween-post.html">Halloween blog entry</a> I had an opportunity to step up to the Big Leagues and watch a real, bonafide, adult, R-rated horror movie. A movie that my trusty horror tomes had warned me about: <br />
<br />
In <a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-dEEtHTGAgW4/TlW_R3SC8OI/AAAAAAAAH40/fhisggMkAk8/s1600/596843_20110327170301490.jpg"><i>Horrors: A History of Horror Movies</i></a> Tom Hutchinson and Roy Pickard wrote that this film "gave a whole new impetus to the monster-making industry" and is "one of the goriest of all such horror stories". They go on to say that this flick "proved that there were now no limits or restrains on the special effects department" and that all that matters is that the film-makers the "reduced audiences to quivering jellies".<br />
<br />
In <a href="http://littlemisstrainwreck.files.wordpress.com/2012/10/415hdszz4pl-_sl500_aa300_.jpg"><i>The Encyclopedia of Horror</i></a> Hutchinson (co-incidentally) wrote: "the monster here is barely seen: all we know about it is that it is growing all the time, and that it needs flesh." <br />
<br />
And in <a href="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51eShSlWoBL._SY344_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg"><i>Horror Films</i></a> Nigel Andrews decreed that "its not too fanciful to see echoes of Vietnam in the guerrilla-style horrors" as the titular creature "ambushes the crew one by one and eats them". He goes on to say that the beast is "a master of camouflage. It hides in dark corners, it borrows color and textures from its surroundings, and it shocks the life out of us near the end by uncoiling from the very pipes and wires of a spaceship wall."<br />
<br />
Naturally I was sold <i>but how was I going to see it</i>? The film was last in theaters back in 1979 when I was but a wee lad of only nine summers; way too young to sneak into our local theater. In the early Eighties home video was still in its infancy and to make matters worse we lived in a podunk town where everyone knew everyone else's bidness. In other words, there was little chance that I'd be able to rent it surreptitiously.<br />
<br />
The answer came in the form of a prime-time television showing back around 1982 or so. I was only about twelve at the time so I needed special dispensation from my parents to stay up late and watch the thing.<br />
<br />
"Is it one of them scary movies?" Mom quizzed, remembering the havoc that <i>Night of the Living Dead</i> and <i>Poltergeist</i> had inflicted on me a year earlier.<br />
<br />
"Um, no, mom," I lied, "it's a sci-fi movie. Y'know, like <i>Star Wars</i>." <br />
<br />
"Alright, fine," she reneged, "but you better have you ass in bed by eleven or you'll be too tired for school tomorrow!"<br />
<br />
In reality had no idea when the movie would end, I just knew that it supposed to start in twenty minutes, at 9 pm sharp. In preparation I filled a mixing bowl to the brim with chips and pretzels and then proceeded to ensconce myself within irradiation distance of the television. To give the film every possible advantage to scare the wits outta I also turned off all the lights like a prepubescent masochist.<br />
<br />
And so the table was set and the wine was chilled for my fateful date with <i>Alien</i>.<br />
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To recall the film's meteor-like impact on my psyche I recently re-watched the move. Here are both my recollections and my latest revelations concerning this timeless sci-fi classic.<br />
<br />
P.S. If you just so happen to own a copy of the original theatrical cut watch it and then just look down here when you hit the appropriate time code! <br />
<br />
<u><b>8 Seconds In</b></u>: Hey, look, it's the 20th Century Fox fanfare and logo! This is gonna be just like <i>Star Wars</i>!<br />
<br />
<u><b>18 Seconds In</b></u>: Nope, no it's not! The creepy-ass credit sequence and scary music tells me that Darth Vader ain't got nothin' on what's comin' in this fright-fest!<br />
<br />
<u><b>55 Seconds In</b></u>: Great, now it sounds like wind blowing through a haunted house. Wonderful. That's not freaking me out <i>at all</i>. <br />
<br />
<u><b>2 Minutes, 20 Seconds In</b></u>: Hey, a large space ship is flying overhead! It <i>is</i> gonna be just like <i>Star Wars</i>! Hurrah! The interior of ship even vaguely looks like the <i>Millennium Falcon</i>, with cool l'il tchotchkes hangin' offa the rear-view mirror and everything! <br />
<br />
<u><b>5 Minutes, 50 Seconds In</b></u>: The crew's starting to wake up. Okay, so it's not exactly like <i>Star Wars</i>; clearly these people don't know what a hyperdrive is.<br />
<br />
<u><b>6 Minutes, 50 Seconds In</b></u>: Since the crew interactions during the "breakfast" scene are all ad-libbed and sounds 100% authentic to my youthful ears I start to wonder if I'm watching some sort of space documentary...FROM THE FUTURE. Adult me can't help but notice that smoking apparently had a <i>big</i> resurgence in popularity in the future!<br />
<br />
<u><b>9 Minutes In</b></u>: Also in the future, the term "Mother" is a catch-all descriptor for any smothering, all encompassing, claustrophobic environment. Kidding, mom! <br />
<br />
<u><b>12 Minutes In</b></u>: The ship's crew always seem to be bitching and moaning at one another, which I should've taken as an omen for my adult working career.<br />
<br />
<u><b>13 Minutes In</b></u>: The film's techno-babble and special effects look completely convincing to me, so by now I'm totally onboard. The illusion is distressingly flawless and my young brain is having a really hard time convincing itself that what it's witnessing is some sort of artifice. <i>This ain't good</i>.<br />
<br />
<u><b>20 Minutes In</b></u>: Does Ash seem kinda twitchy, or is it just me?<br />
<br />
<u><b>21 Minutes In</b></u>: Cripes, the weather on this planet is even worse then Newfoundland in February.<br />
<br />
<u><b>22 Minutes In</b></u>: As a put-upon middle-manager, Ripley has to deal with the ship's different personality types and temperaments, further foreshadowing my own future working career.<br />
<br />
<u><b>23 Minutes In</b></u>: <span style="font-size: large;">KITTY!!!</span> I didn't know it at the time but the initially-comforting sight of this very-terrestrial feline would be short-lived.<br />
<br />
<u><b>24 Minutes In</b></u>: The unnerving music makes a very unwelcome return. Suddenly everything grows distressingly still. The downed spaceship that the characters see in the distance is so weird and, well, <i>alien</i>-looking that I'm now screaming at the characters to turn around and go back. Oddly, they don't listen to me. Mom yells at me from downstairs to make sure everything is alright, which temporarily shakes me out of my panicked reverie.<br />
<br />
<u><b>26 Minutes In</b></u>: Even as a totally virginal eleven year old kid my unconscious brain recognizes that the vulva-like entrance and ridged walls of the alien spaceship has some sort of unconscious sexual ramifications. Thirty years later I finally realize that Kane (John Hurt), Lambert (Veronica Cartwright) and Dallas (Tom Skerritt) are actually sperm in this weird little psycho-sexual analogy.<br />
<br />
<u><b>28 Minutes In</b></u>: I experience one of many crippling <i>"WTF?!?"</i> moments when the astronauts stumble upon a giant dead alien with a blown-out chest fused onto his space-seat. His chest "exploded from the inside", huh? Well, I'm sure that's not relevant. The character of Lambert suddenly reads my mind when she blurts "Let's get the hell out of here!"<br />
<br />
<u><b>30 Minutes In</b></u>: After circumnavigating Ash's cock-blockery, Ripley discovers that the transmission they received wasn't a distress signal after all but "a warning". No shit, Sherlock(s)!<br />
<br />
<u><b>32 Minutes In</b></u>: Wow, a giant cargo hold filled with huge eggs. <i>F#cking wonderful</i>. By now, every fiber of my being is screaming for Kane to come to his senses and scramble back up that rope. Instead he takes a closer look at one of the eggs which appears to be translucent with something gross, pulpy and decidedly Lovecraftian fluttering around inside it. And then, when the goddamned thing opens up like a bloomin' onion, the stupid toolbox actually leans over to look inside of it! <br />
<br />
<u><b>34 Minutes In</b></u>: <span style="font-size: large;"><i>AAAAGGGHHHH!!!! </i></span><br />
<br />
<u><b>35 Minutes In</b></u>: Ripley, once again the voice of reason, is overridden by Ass. Er, <i>Ash</i>. What the f#ck is that guy's problem, anyway?<br />
<br />
<u><b>36 Minutes In</b></u>: Dallas and Ash use some sort of laser-tool to cut Kane's helmet off. I'm dying to see what's ins...AAAAAHHH!!! PUT IT BACK ON!!! PUT IT BACK ON!!!<br />
<br />
<u><b>39 Minutes In</b></u>: Jesus, that thing stuck to Kane's face is freakin' hideous, like the worst possible case of spaces herpes. And it's got acid for blood?!? Good Lord, this is getting worse by the second.<br />
<br />
<u><b>42 Minutes In</b></u>: Ash seems to be sporting <i>w-a-a-a-a-a-a-y</i> too much wood for this alien. Ian Holm is absolutely brilliant here, acting vaguely defensive when Ripley tries to rattle his cage. Even though I've probably seen this movie about a dozen times by now I finally notice that his drink of preference is a certain liquid known to "do an (artificial) body good".<br />
<br />
<u><b>46 Minutes In</b></u>: Oh, gawd, the thing's not on Kane's face anymore...where f#ck did it go?!? An agonizing two minutes of painfully-protracted screen time goes by as Ash and Dallas poke their light-tipped dicks into every dark corner, practically begging to be Frenched to death by that slimy mcnasty.<br />
<br />
<u><b>48 Minutes In</b></u>: Naturally, the repellent thing plops down dead onto Ripley shoulders. At the time I let a out a scream considerably louder then Sigourney Weaver's, prompting another matronly verbal check-in from down below.<br />
<br />
<u><b>49 Minutes In</b></u>: Ash starts poking around in the facehugger's innards which nearly causes me to hurl into my snack bowl. I didn't know this at the time but director Ridley Scott had actually pulled a fast one and arranged a bunch of fish gusts and shellfish scraps into a prop facehugger to try to make the thing look as gross, real and weird as possible. Good show, sir! Ash says "I assume that it's not a zombie" but even back then I was well-read and knew that the best precaution against a zombie outbreak was to <i>burn the f#cking body</i>. C'mon people, what's wrong with a few precautions in this day and age of rampant space herpes?<br />
<br />
<u><b>50 Minutes In</b></u>: Like the typical site manager, Dallas tries to pass the buck of responsibility off to one of his subordinates. His excuse is that "things happen because that's what the company wants to happen", once again foreshadowing my future work experience.<br />
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<u><b>53 Minutes In</b></u>: Hey, look! Kane's up and around as if nothing's happened! Oh, I'm sure he's fine...<br />
<br />
<u><b>54 minutes In</b></u>: Man, Kane sure seems to be wolfing down a lot of food. It's almost as if he's eating for two, <i>hmmmmmmmm</i>. Oh, oh! Looks like something went down the wrong pipe!<br />
<br />
Suddenly there's a burst of on-screen chaos: a series of guttural sound effects, actor John Hurt launches into a completely convincing fit of agony and Parker (Yaphet Kotto) tries to prevent him from swallowing his own tongue by forcibly jamming a spoon in his mouth. By this point I can safely say that me nerves are officially shot. <br />
<br />
<u><b>56 Minutes In</b></u>: Wha...<i>what in the almighty f#ck just happened there?!?</i><br />
<br />
Oh...Sweet...Baby...Jesus...CAIN IS PREGGERS!!! Even long after the labor pains are over the sound of dripping hemoglobin and Kane's twitching fingers completely and utterly traumatize me for days and nights on end.<br />
<br />
I breath a sigh of relief as a timely "word from our sponsors" momentarily causes the horror to abate. I try in vain to collect my frazzled wits as ABC gamely attempts to sell Whoppers, Cheerios and/or Fruit Roll-Ups to me.<br />
<br />
<u><b>57 Minutes In</b></u>: From this point on <i>Alien</i> becomes a standard haunted house scenario. Unfortunately it's also one of the most effective and consistently scary haunted house movies ever made.<br />
<br />
<u><b>101 Minutes In</b></u>: The interiors of the ship look so believable that it's just as creepy as any abandoned school or condemned insane asylum. <i>BRRRRRR!!!!</i><br />
<br />
<u><b>102 Minutes In</b></u>: <span style="font-size: large;">F#CKING CAT!!!</span> Jesus, that thing just scared the kitty litter out of me!<br />
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<u><b>103 Minutes In</b></u>: Ripley and Parker send Brett (Harry Dean Stanton) out alone to look for Jones. In their defense, the last time they saw the alien it was only as big as a garter snake. Still, would it have killed them to stick together a little while longer?<br />
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<u><b>105 Minutes In</b></u>: Okay, the alien is shedding its freakin' skin! Even as a stupid kid I knew what <i>that </i>meant!<br />
<br />
<u><b>106 Minutes In</b></u>: Man, this friggin' ship is so huge it apparently has its own climate The sound of rain and clinking chains is a nice touch. Such creepy. Much haunted house. Very scare. So incontinent. <br />
<br />
<u><b>107 Minutes In</b></u>: Um, what the eff did I just see? The cat, Brett, trust the cat!!! DON'T LOOK NOW BUT THERE'S SOME SORT OF BIO-MECHANICAL PSYCHO-SEXUAL PHALLIC-HEADED XENOMORPH STANDING RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!! BEHIND YOU MAN!!! <span style="font-size: x-small;">oh god it's got jaws within its jaws</span> I'm immersed in a goddamn Freudian nightmare right now.<br />
<br />
<u><b>109 Minutes In</b></u>: In another moment that foreshadows my future work experiences, upper management (I.E. "Mother") proves to be completely useless when Team Lead Dallas asks for some much-needed support. As a result, Dallas decides to venture alone into the air ducts in an attempt to flush out the alien. Sounds legit. <br />
<br />
<u><b>110 Minutes In</b></u>: Dallas's delightful delve into the vents is pure sustained, sweaty, claustrophobic terror. The music, editing and sound effects all conspire to horrify me like nothing I'd seen prior or hence.<br />
<br />
Things get ten times worse when Lambert picks up the alien's signal on her motion tracker. In 1986 James Cameron would derive considerable inspiration from this scene, delivering one of the best sequels in cinema history.<br />
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<u><b>150 Minutes In</b></u>: Dallas descends a ladder, turns a corner and then run smack dab into Grabby McBiteypants. My bladder shows it's appreciation for this scene's craftsmanship by partially venting itself. <br />
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<u><b>116 Minutes In</b></u>: Ripley decides to call an impromptu (and decidedly dysfunctional) staff meeting that foreshadows my own future work experience. Sigourney Weaver is so completely believable here that, if you look closely, you can actually see her becoming a star right before your very eyes.<br />
<br />
<u><b>119 Minutes In</b></u>: In a moment that, once again, foreshadows my future work experiences, Ripley learns that all employees are "expendable" for a company obsessed with nudging up their profit margin. Sadly, this is the most realistic bit of horror in the entire film.<br />
<br />
<u><b>121 Minutes In</b></u>: In an odd moment of solidarity / synchronicity (solinicity? synchrodarity?), Ripley's nose spontaneously starts bleeding at the exact same moment that mine does while sitting there watching the film at home as a kid. <i>Weird</i>.<br />
<br />
In stark contrast, Ash begins to sweat milk out of his pores. Ridley Scott then uses his hand-held camera to convey dizzying levels of disorientation as Ash casually attempts to murder Ripley to death. His creative use of a rolled up porno magazine is particularly disturbing, instantly evoking thoughts of a twisted, mechanical psyche.<br />
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<u><b>122 Minutes In</b></u>: Jeezus, this little dweeb is STRONG! Parker bombs in and then smokes Ash right in the shoulder clubs metal canister, causing him to suddenly spazz out.<br />
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<u><b>123 minutes In</b></u>: <i>Annnnnand</i> off with his head! Up to this point in my very short life, Kane's unconventional birthing scene was the most messy, organic, nasty and visceral thing I'd ever had the misfortune to witness. That is until Parker knocked Ash's block off with that fuel canister. By then I wanted to be watching the movie on VHS so I could stop the tape, pop it out and then bury it deep in the back-yard where it belongs.<br />
<br />
There weren't enough Tootsie Roll and Wendy's ads in the world to make me recover from <i>this</i> level of psychological trauma.<br />
<br />
<u><b>125 Minutes In</b></u>: What's left of Ash describes the alien as "a perfect organism". Well, if the creature's sole <i>raison d'être</i> is to scare the ever-lovin' shit outta people then, yes, I'd say that's an apt description.<br />
<br />
<u><b>128 Minutes In</b></u>: What are you people doing?!?! Don't split up!!! Even if someone needs to take a poop, all three of you need to go together!!!<br />
<br />
<u><b>129 Minutes In</b></u>: The film is betrayed by its first major script contrivance which ends up tarnishing the illusion for me quite a bit. Ripley, who up to this point has been the only sensible one, wanders off to look for Jones the f#cking cat. This gives every single male watching the film an opportunity to roll their eyes and say "<i>Hmph</i>, ain't that just like a woman?" Even as a kid, I though that this was lame, mainly because it gave the alien an opportunity to sneak around her and get onboard the shuttle.<br />
<br />
<u><b>131 Minutes In</b></u>: <i><span style="font-size: large;"><b>FUCKING CAT!!!</b></span></i><br />
<br />
<u><b>132 Minutes In</b></u>: Hey, Parker n' Lambert, is there any way you might be able to make just bit more noise there?<br />
<br />
We're then "treated" to some of the best full-body glimpses of the alien, and, let me tell ya, kiddies, it's light-years away from the bug-eyed, tentacle-flailing, Muppet-footed cliches that scared the fertilizer outta me in <i>The Green Slime.</i> First off: this f#cker is taller then Hakeem Olajuwon. And *<i>ick</i>* we get to see some real, spring-loaded extendo-jaw action after the alien clobbers poor Parker with a nasty tail-whip.<br />
<br />
And, sorry, but I can't shit on Lambert's paralysis too much. If I was her I'd be doing my best "deer in headlights" impersonation as well.<br />
<br />
<u><b>135 Minutes In</b></u>: With Lambert's mournful screams now reverberating down the darkened hallway, the ship has literally become a Funhouse of pure terror. Ripley decides to nuke the place from orbit (it's the only way to be safe) and we get to witness the most genuine-looking self-destruct procedure in cinema history<br />
<br />
<u><b>138 Minutes In</b></u>: Smoke, strobe lights and frantic dashes down industrial-looking corridors: once again we get a sneak preview of the movie <i>Aliens</i>, which followed seven years later. Ripley's adrenaline and stress are palpable as she vainly tries to abort the self-destruct sequence. I was on pins and needles as she scrambled back to the shuttle. At that stage, I knew that the alien could be lurking anywhere, waiting to pick her off as soon as those first few hunger pangs hit.<br />
<br />
<u><b>140 Minutes In</b></u>: <i>Aaaaand</i> it's gone! <i>*Phew*</i> Look's like everything's comin' up Ripley!<br />
<br />
<u><b>143 Minutes In</b></u>: Ridley Scott throws all the stoners out there a bone by delivering the most blatantly "Whoa, man!" technicolor explosion in cinema history.<br />
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<u><b>144 Minutes In</b></u>: "I got you, you sonavabitch!" Wow, talk about counting your facehuggers before they're hatched!<br />
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<u><b>145 Minutes In</b></u>: Sigourney Weaver strips down to her Underoos™, giving 12-year-old me (and 44 year-old-me for that matter) an unexpected thrill that, for once in this damned movie, has absolutely nothing to do with violation, murder and death. Now, some people might say that this scene diminishes Ripley's strong character but I don't agree. She <i>is</i> planning to hit the ol' cryo-pod after all. What, do you wear your space suit to bed? <i>Whatever</i>.<br />
<br />
<u><b>146 Minutes In</b></u>: No fair! That bastard's camouflage is perfect!<br />
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<u><b>148 Minutes In</b></u>: DAT JAW!!! <i>*Ewwwww!!!*</i> Meanwhile Ripley continues to display her smarts, courage, moxie and fortitude, which more then makes up for her previous feline-related gaffes.<br />
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<u><b>150 Minutes In</b></u>: Ripley uses the SUPERFLUOUS INTERIOR EXHAUST SYSTEM to blow the critter right outta its hidey-hole. The creature's resulting screams are pure, unadulterated nightmare fuel.<br />
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<u><b>151 Minutes In</b></u>: We get another regrettable eyeful of H.R. Giger's most famous creation and realize that the dearly departed mad Swiss genius had a unique talent to tap into our worst unconscious psychological fears. <br />
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<u><b>153 Minutes In</b></u>: After a well-earned victory, an angelic-looking Ripley sleeps contentedly in her stasis tube, oblivious to what she'll hafta deal with just fifty-seven short years later. <br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>*** </b></span></div>
<br />
This movie scared the crap out of me in a way no other film had. It wasn't a fifteen year old (at the time) black and white flick like <i>Night of the Living Dead</i> or a horror movie with training wheels like <i>Poltergeist</i>. Because of <i>Alien</i> I didn't sleep properly for nights on end.<br />
<br />
Now, remember, it terrified me in spite of three important insulators:<br />
<ol>
<li>I watched it in the re-assuring confines of
my own living room.</li>
<li>The tension was periodically alieved by
incongruously-cheery ads for margarine and car insurance.</li>
<li>Since it was shown on prime-time network television, what I saw was likely heavily edited. </li>
</ol>
When a movie manages to elbow its way past all of the modern bulwarks of re-assurance to scare the wits out of you, then you know you've dealing with something truly frightening.<br />
<br />
For days I kept asking "Why do I keep subjecting myself to these patently awful things?" and "Why do I wanna do it again sooner rather then later?". I swiftly came to the conclusion that, as a sheltered child without any siblings, I wanted to use the medium of horror to toughen myself up.<br />
<br />
Looking back I realize that I was a pretty astute kid.<br />
<br />
Now, don't mistake my intent, Gentle Readers: I'm not saying that kids should be exposed to dark subject matter at an early age, quite the opposite in fact. I'd much rather see kids remain kids for as long as they can, which is no small feat in this media and communication-soaked age of technology.<br />
<br />
But I also know that the world is a nasty and scary place; an ugly truism that all of us must confront at some point in time in our lives. And I can't thank film-makers like Ridley Scott enough for taking me by the hand and guiding me along my first few baby steps towards this unfortunate but pragmatic realization.<br />
<br />
<u><b>EPIC DOC</b></u> Wanna know all there is to know about this timeless horror classic? Then enjoy this amazing doc. <i>You're welcome</i>.<br />
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<u><b><br /></b></u>
<u><b>FAIL-URE OF ORIGINALITY</b></u> Granted, <i>Alien</i> wasn't 100% original, but, like Wolverine, it's the best at what it does. These films, <a href="http://www.shortlist.com/entertainment/films/the-8-most-blatant-alien-rip-offs">not so much</a>. <br />
<br />David Prettyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11223458627724051713noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1660706916750956362.post-17174783843306431032014-09-30T14:17:00.000-04:002014-10-01T17:35:18.733-04:00Arguing With Idiots For Sport And Pleasure<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: large;">'SPECIALLY WHEN I'M WRONG</span></div>
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Felicitations, Free Thinkers!<br />
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Although his career as a <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAQu2aFZo7E">wrestling heel</a> was just a shade before my time, I quickly became enamored with Jesse "The Body" Ventura as a <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ix14Ecud7j0">color commentator</a> with the WWF. Even at that impressionable young age I could tell that Ventura was smarter then the average bear. <br />
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I anxiously followed Ventura's dalliances with Hollywood, as he starred in such classic sci-fi fare as <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zPq6nurLhBI"><i>Predator</i></a> and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0T9_iJRJTX4"><i>The Running Man</i></a>. I never did see <i>Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe</i>, but in case the spirit ever moves me some evening, I'll just leave this right <a href="https://www.blogger.com/">hur</a>. <br />
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Since so many actors have done the same, I wasn't surprised when Jesse moved out of the public light and entered politics. He first served as the Mayor of Brooklyn Park, Minnesota, from 1991 to 1995 and then went on to become the very first politically-independent Governor of Minnesota from 1999 to 2003.<br />
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In this day and age, this latter achievement is almost inconceivable. Despite running a bare-bones campaign on the cheap, Jesse appealed to the everyman by offering an alternative to the usual Republican / Democrat paradigm. While in office he refused to meet with lobbyists and made tremendous strides regarding public transit and tax reform. During this time he also became highly disillusioned with partisan politics and the ruinous nature of corporate-controlled media. <br />
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He parleyed these observations into a wildly-successful writing career, penning several notable books including <i>I Ain't Got Time to Bleed: Reworking the Body Politic from the Bottom Up</i>, <br />
<i>Do I Stand Alone? Going to the Mat Against Political Pawns and Media Jackals</i> and <br />
<i>Jesse Ventura Tells it Like it Is: America's Most Outspoken Governor Speaks Out About Government.</i><i> </i>As you can probably gather from the titles, Jesse's dark take on the American political system is the direct result of his own experiences serving in office. <br />
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Via <i>Don't Start the Revolution Without Me!</i> I began to learn more about this interesting and multifaceted dude. A former Underwater Demolition Team expert and Vietnam veteran, Jessa had a habit of reading voraciously while traveling across the country between matches with the WWF. While absorbing the works of political rebels such as <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMEI8bnbw1o">Major General Smedley Butler</a> and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PuRTDKowt0o">L. Fletcher Prouty</a> Jesse developed a healthy skepticism about the motivations of a government puppeteered by big business.<br />
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Thanks to his many years as a wrestler, commentator and bureaucrat, Jesse developed quite a reputation for speaking his mind in a clear, direct and often humorous fashion. As such, when he moved into the realm of political commentary, Ventura certainly wasn't afraid to ask uncomfortable questions about the invasive nature of American foreign policy, the corporate influence on government and the blatant murder of the country's last autonomous President, <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.ca/2013/11/ten-weird-things-about-assassination-of.html">John Fitzgerald Kennedy</a>.<br />
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What I'm trying to say is that Jesse Ventura isn't your average retired wrestling meat-head.<br />
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But because he had the unmitigated gall to publicly criticize the false concept of American Exceptionalism, Jesse became the target of Chris Kyle, the self-professed "most lethal sniper in U.S. Military history". In an appearance meant to promote his book <i>American Sniper</i> on an episode of <i>The O'Reilly Factor,</i> Kyle claims to have cold-cocked Ventura for the sin of autonomous critical thought during a speaking engagement at a Navy S.E.A.L. bar: <br />
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So, the other night I'm killing time on Google + and I come across a post in my news feed by the "Americans Against the Tea Party". It featured Ventura in a recent episode of his weekly on-line political screed <i>Off the Grid</i>. <br />
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During this episode Jesse says:<br />
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<i>“You are not gonna beat ISIS and somehow make everything right over there. You are still gonna be hated. None of this would have happened had we not gone over there and destabilized it. So here’s who we have to thank for all of this mess today: George W. Bush and Dick Cheney. Two guys who were too chicken to go to Vietnam. Too chicken to join the service and stand up and fight for their country, but they took us over there. If Barack Obama says, 'we need to get involved' and we end up with boots on the ground, I’ve said this before, the first two pairs of boots that oughta be on the ground over there are George Bush and Dick Cheney, leading from the front and not the rear.”</i><br />
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Now any reasonable human being who's even vaguely informed about America's compulsive history of meddling with affairs in the Middle East (<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_WVtpao0KSM">dating back to Iran in 1953</a>) would look at this quote and agree with it in principal, in spite of its lack of realism. But as I drilled down on the comments I could see that a bunch of crazed Tea Bagg...er Tea <i>Partiers</i> had responded with nothing but crude, mindless vitriol, verbal thuggery and Fox News-style regurgitations.<br />
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<i>"Venturas (s.p.) a whiney (s.p.) little bitch. Sues (s.p.) wife of dead hero that slapped him down."</i></div>
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<i>"Hey Jesse, go suck one!"</i></div>
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<i> "Ex- wrestler, conspiriscy (s.p.) nut job, black copters are following me loon."</i></div>
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<i>"Ventura is a douce (s.p.) bag. He needs to just put the aluminum foil back on his head and off himself."</i></div>
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<i>"AATP is blathering stupidity and now Ventura is their mascot. "</i></div>
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<i>"Jesse Ventura is an old psychotic, narcissist has been acting like a never will be. What a punk!"</i></div>
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Now, I want to make this crystal clear before I proceed: although I'm a huge fan of Jesse and I agree with a lot of what he says, we don't see eye-to-eye on everything, particularly on the subject of <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DD_s3f_nBVA">gun control</a>. His now-defunct television show <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conspiracy_Theory_with_Jesse_Ventura"><i>Conspiracy Theory</i></a> was kind of alarmist, giving casual viewers an excuse to dismiss very real and very serious issues as <i>tin-foil-hat</i> histrionics. He often refers to himself in the third person, comes across as opinionated and defensive and likely harbors a justifiably-inflated sense of ego. <br />
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But I also understand Jesse's motivations and know that, underneath all of the bluster and bravado, he's a very well-researched and intelligent guy who uses shock value in an effort to wake people up. He doesn't hate America, quite the opposite. I get the impression that he loves his country so much that he's deeply troubled by its free-fall and would like nothing better then to see the U.S. of A. regain some semblance of its former glory. <br />
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As a result, I felt compelled to weigh in on this little<i> tête-à-tête</i>, not so much to defend Jesse, but to see if I could lure these Tea Party wing-nuts into an actual debate.<br />
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Here's what happened.<br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">Spoiler alert: <i>what happened is exactly what you'd expect to happen. </i></span><br />
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<u><b>Matthew M</b></u>: <i>"This traitor! Jesse Ventura, who sued a dead American Navy Seal hero's widow! And now says America deserved 9/11 and to be bombed! Oughta be shot for treason!"</i><br />
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<u><b>ME</b></u>: @Matthew M <i>"Chris Kyle blatantly LIED about Ventura in a mass-market publication, he deserved to get sued. And Ventura has never,</i> ever<i> said that America deserved to get bombed on 9/11. He's trying to educate people blinded by the myth of American exceptionalism that, like it or not, the United States has a very long and very checkered history of geo-politcal interference around the world, which gives radical forces plenty of motivation to attack us."</i><br />
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<u><b>Alexandre A</b></u>: @David Pretty <i>"that's exactly what Jesse Ventura is saying!!! I never heard him say anything against America but true things !!! @MM "every president of the United states needs to be tried for treason at least the living presidents that are around specially Bush and Cheney who sold us the war!!! The people who want us to go neck to neck against each other have been doing this for years they know how to keep an open wound bleeding!!!! How many of you have taken sides about immigration,the survival of Israel, Isis , Ukraine, the deficit, 9/11 all those are topics to keep us from seen what really us going on !!!"</i><br />
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<u><b>ME</b></u>: @Alexandre A <i>"You're absolutely right. I've done a lot of research on this and I truly do believe that the last U.S. President that wasn't a puppet of corporations and / or the military industrial complex was JFK."</i><br />
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<u><b>Alexandre A</b></u>: @David Pretty <i>"don't forget Dwight Eisenhower warn us about the industrial military complex !!! I trusted Obama up until I saw him going along with war guru's!!!!!</i>"<br />
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<u><b>ME</b></u>: <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.ca/2013/04/will-historys-real-greatest-monster.html%EF%BB%BF">http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.ca/2013/04/will-historys-real-greatest-monster.html</a><br />
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<u><b>Elizabeth M</b></u>: <i>"I have heard many people quoting from actress and actors, politicians, ect (s.p.)...<br />These type of people in my opinion, don't have a mind of there on (s.p.), simply because they are to busy with this materialistic life and lazy to go out and gain their on (s.p.) knowledge.<br /><br />I also think Jesse has an aggressive attitude but maybe is (s.p.) all the anger inside of him, as a former governor he fond (s.p.) out despicable things our government is doing against humanity and therefore expresses himself in a rude way to let all that anger out.<br /><br />In my personal opinion, I think he is on point on most of what he says, but I do dislike when he speaks so aggressively, if he was to express himself in a more humble way, it would be better for him.<br /><br />I to (s.p.) respect your opinion and I thank you for respecting mine. :)"</i><br />
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<b><b>Color Commentary</b>: Hey, look a dissenting comment that doesn't stoop to insults! Although her opinion isn't fact-based (I.E. Jesse is a helluva lot better informed then, say, Matt Damon) but at least her comment is civil and reasonably well-thought-out.</b><br />
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<b>But then, just a few short seconds later it was right back to <i>The Attack of the Knuckle-Draggers</i>:</b><br />
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<u><b>Greg Hi-Z</b></u>: <i>"You can have Jesse on your side any time."</i><br />
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<u><b>William F</b></u><i>: "He was piled drived (s.p.) a bit to (s.p.) much by the Arabian sheik, and Bruno sanmartino (s.p.). They did not know the long term effects can make you an idiot and azzhole (s.p.) at same time."</i><br />
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<b><b>Color Commentary</b>: Who the f#ck is the "Arabian Sheik"?</b> <br />
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<u><b>ME</b></u>: @ William F <i>"Speaking of libel your statement is nothing but conjecture. Please provide some back up for that blatantly inflammatory statement." </i><br />
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<u><b>Matthew M</b></u>: <i>"Shutup. I don't wanna hear from more like him. You all disgust me! I woulda done more then knock him out if I was there! God bless America!"</i><br />
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<u><b>Alexandre A</b></u>: @Elizabeth M <i>"he does speak aggressively but because his in the know how and can't wake up the vast majority of Americans !!! Jesse Ventura is a patriot navy seal remember!!!!" </i><br />
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<u><b>ME</b></u>: <i>"Good strategy, +Matthew M. By sticking your fingers in your ears and yelling 'LA!!! LA!!! LA!!! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!' you're sure to avoid reality </i>ad infinitum<i>." </i><br />
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<u><b>Matthew M</b></u>: @David Pretty <i>"yeah liberal idiots know all about that!"</i> <br />
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<u><b>ME</b></u>: @Matthew M <i>"I wouldn't know. I'm not a 'liberal'."</i><br />
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<u><b>Alexandre A</b></u>: @Matthew M <i>"I'm an American before any party affiliation left or right !!!! My eyes are wide open and see both points specially when their trying to push something down our throats!!!!"</i><br />
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<u><b>Austin Stevens</b></u>:<b> </b><b><b>Color Commentary</b>: this guy's on-line handle was clearly inspired by former WWF superstar "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, replete with a profile pic of Austin. Right away, I'm thinking that this guy ain't exactly gonna be Noam Chomsky and two seconds later he proves it by stating: </b> <i>"Ventura is an idiot a complete moron."</i><br />
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<u><b>ME</b></u>: @Austin Stevens <i>"Cut and paste from above but it applies to you too: 'Speaking of libel your statement is nothing but conjecture. Please provide some back up for that blatantly inflammatory statement'."</i><br />
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<u><b>Matthew M</b></u>: <i>"Ventura, the cowardly, deserter, traitor anti- American, big mouth moron who sues dead hero's (s.p.) widows, and his sheep, will get there's! (s.p.)"</i><br />
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<u><b>ME</b></u>: @Matthew M. <i>"* <b>sigh</b> * If I shot my mouth off and called a friend of yours 'a cowardly, deserter, traitor anti- American, big mouth moron' wouldn't you want me to produce proof of this claim? And if I couldn't, then exactly who is the 'big mouth moron?' Hello? Is this thing on? * <b>taps microphone</b> *"</i><br />
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<u><b>Alexandre A</b></u>: @Matthew M. <i>"Jesse Ventura served our country therefore he can say all he wants about anyone !!!!"</i><br />
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<u><b>Peter B</b></u>: <i>"ANYONE...can say what they want, Regardless of whether they served their country! I know plenty of Patriots, who never enlisted, and plenty of ENLISTED, who forgot their roots, and are world class DB's. Jesse Ventura falls in the latter category. World-Class-conspiracy-theory-Douche-Bag!!! Everyone can agree that the Iraq was handled poorly, after the battle was won. People forgot about the reasons for going into Iraq. WMD's were the least of the issues. Firing on US aircraft, and plots to assassinate Bush Sr, have long since been forgotten. The issue in front of us now, is do we need to leave a QRF force in Iraq, and robust Special Ops units, in order to at minimum, protect our friends(the Kurds and other secularists). Obama has screwed this(like everything else) up! Now it's coming back to haunt him. He's a World Class politician. Period. This is why most active duty soldiers despise Obama, (AND Ventura): because he doesn't listen to his Generals; he listens to his latest polling!"</i><br />
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<b>Color Commentary: Peter's comments are promising and I wish he'd stuck
around as well. Yes, he's grossly informed about Ventura and stoops to
cheap name-calling but he's reasonably articulate and included reasons if not hard evidence for his claims. Sure, his perspective
is dead wrong, but at least he's trying. </b><i> </i><br />
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<u><b>Alexandre A</b></u>: @Peter B <i>"Obama listens to those who have money ,to hell with the polling!!!"</i><br />
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<u><b>ME</b></u>: <i>"Good Lord, I'm gonna get carpel tunnel syndrome typing this over and over again." </i>@Peter B<i>. '"Jesse Ventura (is a)...World-Class-conspiracy-theory-Douche-Bag!!!' This is nothing but baseless hyperbole. What are you basing this statement on?!?"</i><br />
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<u><b>Matthew M.</b></u> @David Pretty <i>"I don't have cowardly traitors for friends! Unlike you it seems? proof? Are you and idiot who can't read?"</i><br />
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<u><b>Matthew M.</b></u> @Alexandre A "I've (really) served our country! So I can say what I want about him! Like the truth! He has zero credibility now!"<br />
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<u><b>Alexandre A</b></u>. @Matthew M <i>"a true patriotic American questions,and that's what Jesse Ventura is doing !!"</i><br />
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<u><b>ME</b></u>: @Matthew M. <i>"Despite asking over and over again no-one in this thread has provided a single shred of evidence supporting their attacks on Ventura. Does the phrase 'innocent until proven guilty' mean anything to you? How 'bout 'burden of proof'?" </i> <br />
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<u><b>Richard s</b></u>: @Alexandre A. <i>"if he were a real patriot i think he should have dropped the ridiculous lawsuit against fellow seal and decorated hero after he was killed. Unless he's donating the settlement to a worthty (s.p.) charity he's a little bitch."</i><br />
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<u><b>Alexandre A</b></u>. @Richard s. <i>"what lawsuit are you talking about Can you cite your source??!!!"</i><br />
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<u><b>ME</b></u>: @Richard s. <i>"Cut and paste from above: "Chris Kyle blatantly LIED about Ventura in a mass-market publication, he deserved to get sued."</i><br />
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<a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2014/07/30/the-complicated-but-unveriable-legacy-of-chris-kyle-the-deadliest-sniper-in-american-history/%EF%BB%BF">http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2014/07/30/the-complicated-but-unveriable-legacy-of-chris-kyle-the-deadliest-sniper-in-american-history/</a><br />
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<b><b>Color Commentary</b>: Interesting turn of events here: the only thing I really knew about Chris Kyle was the creepy vibe that came off of him in waves during that slavishly pandering Bill O'Reilly interview. By doing a quick bit of research and providing the aforementioned link I discovered that Kyle had tendencies towards self-aggrandizement and playing fast and lose with the facts. This shows how important it is to avoid mixing "truth" up with "<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VCQtDkuHGRc">truthiness</a>". </b><br />
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<u><b>Richard s.</b></u>: @David Pretty <i>"disagree. Thought it was kind of a bitch move to sue a fellow seal in the first place over a claim that he got knocked down. Then to continue the case after mr.kyles death was without honor. That he won the case doesn't really mean the truth as been seen. ( oj. Casey anthoney, etc....) obama lied about keeping your dr. seems there should be a whole lot of folk suing him."</i><br />
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<u><b>Matthew M</b></u>: @Richard s <i>"agreed it was a little bitch move! And the little bitch deserved to get knocked down for what he said! Can't believe people defend him. Your (s.p.) a good American."</i><br />
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<b>Color Commentary: Actually I'm not an American, just someone who's more informed then the average American. Which, sadly, isn't saying much. </b><br />
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<u><b>Richard s.</b></u> @Matthew M. <i>"i love how some people pick and choose what they believe by virtue of celebrity, because otherwise ventura sounds like a conspirousy (s.p.) nut bag most of the time. Still alot of us left . GBA."</i><br />
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<b>Color Commentary: By the way, the "GBA" in that last post stands for "God Bless America". That right, folks, these people habitually cap off their vicious personal attacks by evoking the favor of an invisible sky man who supposedly teaches tolerance, understanding and peace. Oh irony, <i>why you so ironic?</i> </b><br />
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<u><b>ME</b></u>: @Richard s @Matthew M <i>"Whether or not you guys think it's a 'bitch move' what Kyle did was defamation cut and dried. If you read the article I linked above you'll find out that Kyle has a history of self-aggrandizement and making stuff up. Ventura defended his public honor using perfectly legal means and not by sucker-punching Kyle when his back was turned. "</i><br />
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<u><b>ME</b></u>: @Richard s. <i>"'ventura sounds like a conspirousy (s.p.) nut bag most of the time. Still alot of us left . GBA.' Richard, if you're trying to sway people to your POV, then you need to provide a little something called EVIDENCE otherwise this is just an opinion and not fact."</i><br />
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<u><b>ME</b></u>: @Matthew Madigan <i>"John Lindsay once stated, 'Dissent is the highest form of patriotism.' For that reason alone I'll defend true patriots like Ventura to the bitter end."</i><br />
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<u><b>Alexandre A</b></u>: @David Pretty <i>"well said !!!"</i><br />
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<u><b>ME</b></u>: @Alexandre A. <i>"Thank you, sir."</i><br />
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<u><b>Matthew M</b></u>: @Richard s <i>"yes your right well said. And I agree there's still lots of good Americans."</i><br />
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<u><b>Richard s</b></u>: @David Pretty <i>"and i'll believe the one that left his blood on the battlefield. To each their own."</i><br />
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<u><b>ME</b></u>: @Matthew M <i>"I'd like to agree with you on that but (A) Richard S.'s own form of Chris Kyle-style of libel is still only HIS OPINION and (B) he didn't even bother to spell 'conspiracy' properly."</i><br />
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<u><b>Richard s</b></u>: @David Pretty <i>"what libel would that be."</i><br />
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<u><b>Alexandre A</b></u>: @David Pretty <i>"this people are totally uneducated and it's obviously by their uneducated opinions!!!!"</i><br />
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<b>Color Commentary: I genuinely winced when I read this. Just watch as this cheap shot causes the quality of the discussion to degenerate almost immediately.</b> <br />
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<u><b>ME</b></u>: <i>"Oh, I dunno, how 'bout: 'ventura sounds like a conspirousy (s.p.) nut bag most of the time' or my own personal favorite from earlier in the thread: '(Ventura is a ) cowardly, deserter, traitor anti- American, big mouth moron'. This is SLANDER. If I said that kinda stuff about YOU behind your back you'd be pissed at me. And justifiably so." </i><br />
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<u><b>Richard s</b></u>: @Alexandre A. <i>"and your opinion matters because you think you have an education. Don't make me laugh. That's all you've given is opinion."</i><br />
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<u><b>Alexandre A</b></u>: @Richard s <i>"you've only given a mouth full of sewer!"</i><br />
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<b>Color Commentary: "A mouth full of sewer"? Really? What is this...Grade Four?</b><br />
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<u><b>Richard s</b></u>: @Alexandre A <i>"now theres edumacation for y'all."</i><br />
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<u><b>ME</b></u>: <i>"For the record, when he was challenged by Pierce Morgan about the lawsuit on CNN Jesse said: 'He never hit me. I don’t even know who he is. This never happened. [This lawsuit] has always been about clearing my name and getting back my reputation. I was accused by this gentleman of committing treason; that’s very serious. In fact, it’s a capital offense in the military. It’s not about money; it’s about my reputation.'</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>When Morgan pursued with 'Are you uncomfortable suing Kyle’s widow?' he replied:</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>'No, because an insurance company is paying for the whole thing, anyway. It’s the insurance company of the book publisher. I have to sue her just because she is now the estate, since [Chris Kyle] passed away'.”</i><br />
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<u><b>ME</b></u>: <i>"Here's another fun fact: Chris Kyle made six million dollars from his book American Sniper. Oh, and where did I find that out? A friggin' Tea Party website, no less."</i><br />
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<u><b>ME</b></u>: @Alexandre A <i>"I don't give a crap about who's 'educated' and who isn't. I think we're starting to make some progress here, so let's try to keep things civil, shall we?"</i><br />
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<u><b>Richard s</b></u>: @David Pretty <i>"it's been my understanding from what i had read that publishers insurance was't picking up the entire amount. Didn't know ventura's reputation was that important to him look at his past acting choices. Don' t know of witnesses accounts? never said coward,traitor or anything other than nutbag , pretty sure thats not libal (s.p.)."</i><br />
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<u><b>ME</b></u>: @Richard s. <i>"Well, it only took a jury six freakin' days to determine that Chris Kyle made up the whole story. And, of course, Ventura's reputation is important to him: if he runs for President in 2016 he can't have allegations like this floating around out there uncontested."</i><br />
<br />
<u><b>ME</b></u>: @Richard s. <i>"And you're absolutely right, 'nutbag' isn't libel. It's just a nasty thing to say out of turn without any evidence to support it." </i><br />
<br />
<b>Color Commentary: Faced with this, Richard s.'s incontrovertible stance seemed to sway just a little bit. But for most die-hard Tea Bag...er, Party people FACTS are the equivalent of flashing a red flag in front of a bull. </b><br />
<br />
<u><b>Matthew M</b></u> <i>"Guess all you Ventura ass kissers also deny the facts about the 'Muslim' attack on 9/11 too? (koo koo)And think America deserved it, and deserves to get bombed to hell? As per Jesse's ventures disgusting comments! hey, I hear ISIS is recruiting?"</i><br />
<i> </i><br />
<u><b>Matthew M</b></u> <i>"These 'types' are, partly, why I worry America doesn't have the moral clarity anymore to deal with the great threats we face!" </i><br />
<br />
<u><b>Steven O</b></u> <i>"I say Jesse is a gutless coward and should shut his big mouth the only thing he's good at is attacking men that are dead COWARD! !!!!!!"</i><br />
<br />
<b>Color Commentary: Opinion doesn't magically transform into fact with the liberal application of five exclamation points. </b><br />
<br />
<u><b>Matthew M</b></u> @Steven O <i>"very true! G.B.A"</i><br />
<br />
<u><b>ME</b></u>: @Matthew M. <i>"What facts? I'd ask you to specify but I've asked before and I'm not holding my breath." </i>@Steven O.<i> "Again, your opinion. And unless you did a tour in Vietnam as a Navy S.E.A.L. and continuously stick your neck out in an effort to inform people about genuine societal ills then your words are pretty cheap to me in comparison.</i><i> God, I'm tired. Honestly, it's like trying to have a conversation with a bunch of pre-recorded messages."</i><br />
<br />
<u><b>Sean I</b></u>: <i>"everyone I`ve talked to says the following. He </i><b>(Color Commentary: I assume he's talking about Ventura here)</b><i> was straight forward. He wasnt a coward. He admitted his mistakes and didnt lie like the rest of the balless and heartless successful politicians America has seen."</i><br />
<br />
<u><b>Richard s</b></u>: <i>"U.d.t. at the time ventura was serving was not a part of the navy seals. And himself has never actually admitted seeing action in vietnam (s.p.). Although he may have done classified type stuff. How about 'may not have both oars in the water' is that better than nutjob? still think ventura should donate settlement if it ain't about the money."</i><br />
<br />
<b>Color Commentary: Above and beyond the thinly-veiled insult, I want to concede a point that Richard makes here. <a href="http://news.google.com/newspapers?id=EYkxAAAAIBAJ&sjid=nKMFAAAAIBAJ&pg=4203,170203">By all accounts</a>, Ventura was a frogman with the Underwater Demolition Team in Vietnam and not a full-fledged Navy S.E.A.L., a title he sometimes lays claim to. Eight years after Ventura left the Navy, the U.D.T. was folded into the SEAL team, prompting Jesse to observe: "Today we refer to all of us as S.E.A.L.s, that's all it is". Semantics? Maybe.</b><br />
<br />
<u><b>william r</b></u>: <i>"Let me know when this guy is relevant. I was going to add 'again', but, well, he never was."</i><br />
<br />
<u><b>Jammie K</b></u>: @Richard s <i>"and you actually believe that? I guess you personally know them, huh? Oh... you heard about it on Fox.. it must be true."</i><br />
<br />
<u><b>william r</b></u>: @Jammie K <i>"Ah, that dear old Fox thing! Gotta love it! , are you gonna blame Bush next? Then what-call people racists? Substance-not vitriol. Like it or not- 2/3 of America watches Fox. And, also, like it or not, the majority of what they comment on is news. All that being said-if you watch cable TV, you aren't watching news, no matter WHAT channel you watch. You're watching news COMMENTATORS. So, yeah, keep through out that good ole 'Fox News' biscuit! It was tiresome in 2007. Its pedantic at this point."</i><br />
<br />
<b>Color Commentary: No, Billy-Boy, it's <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XF-5-5MMpGw">this</a>. </b><br />
<br />
<u><b>Jammie K</b></u> @william r. <i>"Oh WOW! I guess I should have used one of the other media outlets. Didn't realize my point would be over shadowed by someone devotion and belief in Fox news. But you sir, are a complete idiot for not seeing through the lies and bullcrap the media uses to fuel debates that otherwise would never get attention. As far as blaming Bush and any other crap you can come up with, no, I dont blame Bush. I blame people just like you who are too damn stupid to see reality and choose to believe what they hear instead of what is right in front of their face. But no since in arguing about it... you obviously don't have the intelligence to form an opinion based on facts. Keep believing the media, they like fools like you. It keeps the ratings up. As you pointed out, 2/3 of this country watches Fox. SMH</i>"<br />
<br />
<b>Color Commentary: in case you don't know, "SMH" stands for "Shaking My Head". </b><br />
<br />
<u><b>william r</b></u> <i>"And, you assume I watch Fox. Which, I don't. Havent had TV for 3 years now. So, again, you're making assumptions based on your personal feelings (we call that talking out your ass). So, once again, name calling and hateful comments-those very things we presume you associate Fox news for spreading-are your tools for communication? Pot, meet kettle."</i><br />
<br />
<u><b>Jammie K</b></u>. <i>"Who is making assumptions here? Who attacked who first about comments, and who is talking out their ass? For the record, I don't even watch TV. Shows what you KNOW. You sir, are the one that attempted to belittle my comments, which I might add had NOTHING to do with FOX or racism. But you take it how ever you perceive it to be. Pot, meet kettle."</i><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Color Commentary: From here on in, things continued to degenerate, reminding me of <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDjCqjzbvJY">Monty Python</a> once again. Completely bored now, I decided to sit back and watch the fireworks.</b> <br />
<br />
<u><b>william r</b></u>: <i>"You referenced Fox news, did you not? You called me names, did you not? You also stated I watched Fox news, did you not? Or, am I lying? And, yes, I threw the Bush and racist comments out there-because, lets face it-anyone who references Fox news is OBVIOUSLY a Bush supporter AND a racist. I mean, a simple Google search will prove that out. So, please, just go away. You're stealing valuable oxygen."</i><br />
<br />
<u><b>Jammie K</b></u>:<b> </b>@william r <i>"Did you even actually read the comment you so eagerly commented on? I guess I should have added ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, BBC, etc. Maybe then you wouldn't ASSUME all these other things you mentioned. You attack me and then tell me to go away? Who are you? To me... the answer is... ABSOLUTELY NOBODY! No arguing with a dumbass cop, you know everything and everyone else knows nothing. You must be the pride of the department! Typical!"</i><br />
<br />
<u><b>william r</b></u>: <i>"Ah, more personal attacks. Lovely. That the way you speak to people? Proud of the way you treat people? Making assumptions, calling names, personal attacks? Trying to justify your comment by name calling and mud slinging is pretty low brow. Stop being hateful. No one likes mean people."</i><br />
<br />
<u><b>Jammie K</b></u>: @william r <i>"I apologize... I didn't realize this was a popularity contest. But my point was made. Just remember this... you called me out, not the other way around. Like you said... Pot, meet kettle!"</i><br />
<br />
<u><b>william r</b></u>: @Jammie K <i>"lets see, your first post was attacking someone else, and jumping to blaming Fox news-even though there was NO REFERENCE to that individual making any comments regarding Fox. In fact, he mentioned people he SPOKE TO. Yet, you took that opportunity to attack HIM and to throw the Fox reference out there. THAT WAS YOUR FIRST POST. I called you out. You attacked me, called me names, attacked my profession. Now, who, in their right mind, would agree with you-who, through your very posts here, is doing the exact same thing you claim to oppose? It certainly is not a popularity contest. I'm merely calling you out as a hypocrite. The only point you successfully made here was that the very thing you claim to stand against, you certainly have no issue doing to others. In America, we call that being a hypocrite."</i><br />
<br />
<b>Color Commentary: See how pointless, boring, pedantic and useless all of this hot air is? Unless you're brokering in cold hard facts in the form of citations, links and quotes then just engaging in the equivalent of "You're stoopid!" / "No, <i>you're</i> stoopid!" Unable to tolerate this anymore, I forced myself to venture once more back into the breach. </b> <br />
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<u><b>ME</b></u>: <i>"So, here's what I've learned so far in my mercifully short exposure to Tea Party supporters:</i><i></i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>(1) They're 100% convinced that they're right all the time.</i><br />
<i>(2) They're 100% convinced everyone else is wrong all the time.</i><br />
<i>(3) Facts and truth are irrelevant to them.</i><br />
<i>(4) They try to compensate for their willful ignorance with personal attacks and belligerence.</i><br />
<i>(5) If they're losing a debate (or what passes as for a "debate" in their minds) they'll write "G.B.A!" like its some kind of mystical ward against the truth and then either leave the discussion or Block you before their fantasy-based world starts to crumble.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Please, for the sake of everything holy, make some sort of effort to prove me wrong on these points, Tea Party people. Reality might be a bitter pill to swallow but it ain't that bad if we're all in it together."</i><br />
<br />
<u><b>william r</b></u>: @David Pretty <i>"not sure who you're addressing here? Or, are you jumping to conclusions and generalizing people too? I mean, the progressive movement is, after all, all about inclusion. Unless you don't fit their narrowly defined criteria. Then, your a tea party terrorist, support Zionism, hate the poor, etc. You know, progressives: love everyone exactly like you, and, if they don't think like you, blame Bush, then call them a racist. yawn. OF course, we can point to other progressive movements-climate change, lets say-and the 1.2 TONS of trash they left in NYC. Radical is radical. Name calling sure helps though :/"</i><br />
<br />
<u><b>ME</b></u>: @william r <i>"I'm referring to the people I've been trying (and failing) to have a civil discussion with here. Please take the time to read the entire thread; it clearly illustrates every single point I just made. </i><i>For the record I used the term 'Tea Party people' for lack of a better term. I can only assume that they're 'Tea Party people' because they've chosen to come to a 'AATTP' thread and attack Ventura without so much as a single shred of evidence. "</i><br />
<br />
And with that I was out. The thread went on for a little bit longer but no-one responded directly to my last post. <i><br /></i><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">***</span></div>
Want to know why Americans are so polarized right now? Why so many of them are convinced that <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.ca/2014/07/the-same-page.html">they're right and everyone else is wrong</a>? Why there's so much political paralysis? Why Congress can't get anything done and currently has the <a href="http://www.gallup.com/poll/172859/congressional-approval-rating-languishes-low-level.aspx">lowest approval rates</a> in history? Well, I suspect that answer lies encoded within the shattered DNA of the pathetic little thread detailed above.<br />
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I'll tell you right now: unless Americans start coming together to hash out their differences using the proper etiquette of debate and remember how to make common sense decisions based upon well-established facts, then the entire country is going to mired in malaise and indecision forever.<br />
<br />
<u><b>EPIC RANT</b></u>:<i> </i> Tea Bag...er, <i>Partiers</i> hate Jesse Ventura because he dares to employ dirty pool (otherwise known as "facts") in an effort to show Americans the real face of their country, warts and all. <i> </i><br />
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G.B.A.!!!!!!</div>
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<u><b>ECHO CHAMBER FAIL</b></u>: As the old adage goes, "the truth hurts". Don't get caught wearing the "<a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2095549/Right-wingers-intelligent-left-wingers-says-controversial-study--conservative-politics-lead-people-racist.html">I'm With Stupid</a>" shirt: its not too late to get informed, get enlightened and get active. <br />
<br />David Prettyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11223458627724051713noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1660706916750956362.post-17756681069205364712014-08-28T11:32:00.002-04:002014-08-28T21:06:46.194-04:00All Wet<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Sooooo, like everyone else on the freakin' planet, it was inevitable that I got nominated for this whole "ALS Ice Bucket Challenge" thingie by at least a half-dozen people . <br />
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Which is kinda crazy 'cuz if y'all knew me then you'd know that I'm not motivated <i>at all</i> by public humiliation, guilt, peer pressure, grandstanding, unquestioning acquiescence or chain-style obligatory emails.<br />
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Now, even though I would never,<i> ever</i> voluntarily film myself dumping a bucket of freezing-cold (not to mention <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DlGhuud-s4w">precious</a>) ice-water over my head and then post it on the innerwebz, I <i>do</i> think that this is an <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h07OT8p8Oik">incredibly important cause</a> which deserves as much exposure as possible. <br />
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But unlike the average lemming I decided to do some research before I blindly submitted my donation. That's when I discovered that<i> </i>the ALSA only directs about 7.71% of its budget to Research: I.E. finding a friggin' treatment. <br />
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So here's the thing: I need someone, <i>anyone</i> out there who has experience working with not-for-profit organizations to justify this to me because, at face value, this seems woefully low.<br />
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Even more baffling is the amount of money the group's administrators make:<br />
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Jane H. Gilbert – President and CEO – $339,475.00<br />
Daniel M. Reznikov – Chief Financial Officer – $201,260.00<br />
Steve Gibson – Chief Public Policy Officer – $182,862.00<br />
Kimberly Maginnis - Chief of Care Services Officer – $160,646.00<br />
Lance Slaughter - Chief Chapter Relations and Development Officer – $152,692.00<br />
Michelle Keegan – Chief Development Officer – $178,744.00<br />
John Applegate – Association Finance Officer – $118.726.00<br />
David Moses – Director of Planned Giving – $112,509.00<br />
Carrie Munk – Chief Communications and Marketing Officer – $142,875.00<br />
Patrick Wildman – Director of Public Policy – $112,358.00<br />
Kathi Kromer – Director of State Advocacy – $110,661.00 </div>
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Now I'm not saying that these people don't do some
great work, but do they honestly deserve a "<i>one for you, one for me</i>" kind of
arrangement? <br />
<br />
Sorry to be the bucket of ice water cast haphazardly upon this mindless viral phenomenon, but I've never been one to blindly follow <i>groupthink</i> without doing some research first. And, let me tell ya folks, what I discovered really has me scratching my head. In fact, <a href="http://www.alsa.org/assets/pdfs/form-20990-20-20f2014-20irs-20sgd-2006-11-2014.pdf">based on their own tax returns</a>, over half the money the ALSA takes in goes directly into the pockets of the people who run the thing. <br />
<br />
Who knows, maybe this is the model for every single non-profit organization on the planet. Maybe the CEO's for the Cancer Society, the Alzheimer's Association and the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation all drive sick rides, <span style="font-size: x-small;">no pun intended</span>. But even if that's the case, is is right? Maybe it's time to take a long hard look at the way these massive administrative bodies operate and<i> </i>start asking some tough questions.<br />
<br />
Even after my research I went ahead and gave a donation anyway, preferring to think that the lion's share of my money will go directly to helping people with ALS, supporting their families and/or finding a cure for this terrible disease.<br />
<br />
'Cuz even more daunting then the prospects of publicly embarrassing myself by dumping ice water on my head is the horrible thought that I just paid for some rich asshole's venti mocha cookie frappuccino. <br />
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<u><b>EPIC RANT</b></u> Leave it to acerbic comedian Bill Burr to sum up my thoughts on this whole thing. <i>Not even slightly suitable for work, BTW.</i><br />
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<b><u>VIRAL FAIL</u></b> Yes, the videos are doing a great job increasing awareness for ALS
but it seems to me that a lot of people are doing them for attention or to see their friends and family members humiliate themselves on-line. <br />
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<u><b>THE "YOU HAD ONE JOB" FAIL</b></u> And<a href="http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/als-ice-bucket-challenge-over-half-of-brits-polled-did-not-donate-to-charity-afterwards-9696690.html"> this</a> is what I was afraid of... David Prettyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11223458627724051713noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1660706916750956362.post-14551863510434945752014-08-17T12:42:00.002-04:002014-08-18T09:28:19.042-04:00Words Fail...But These Will Have To Do<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Ever since Robin Williams took his own life on Monday August 11'th I've been struggling, rather vainly, to process this. Not since we lost Jim Henson have I been so completely and utterly crushed by a celebrity death.<br />
<br />
Like so many other people my age, I first became aware of Robin Williams back in 1978 via <i>Mork & Mindy</i>. I was only eight years old at the time. To a kid, Robin was a hyperactive genius. Kids like THINGS THAT GO FAST and Robin was the Speedy Gonzalez of comedy. Often you'd find yourself laughing hysterically at one of his shticks, scarcely able to breathe before you realized that he'd already said three or four other impossibly funny things. Every time I sat down to watch a new episode of the show I took my young life in my hands.<br />
<br />
My parents were immediately put off my him, probably because they thought that all of that energy couldn't possibly be generated by one human being without the aid of chemicals. But to me he was always the alpha and omega of funny.<br />
<br />
His first lead role in a film, as the squinty, spinach-obsessed titular hero in <i>Popeye</i>, didn't exactly endear him to critics. As far as I was concerned it was a box office smash. I can distinctly remember going to see it at our local Harmon Theatre and being tuned away because the lineup was too long. I never did go back to the cinema, and to this day I've never seen it from start to finish. This is a personal deficit that I will endeavor to rectifying post-haste. <br />
<br />
His next two films, specifically <i>Moscow on the Hudson</i> and <i>The World According to Garp</i> polarized fans <i>and</i> critics alike. As a Juilliard-trained actor, it was pretty clear that Robin was trying to make smart choices and expand his repertoire. Unfortunately, for the average slack-jawed troglodyte who just wanted to see Mork copied and pasted into everything Williams did, they didn't want to see him do anything "different" or "serious". Jim Carey would suffer from the same pall years later. <br />
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Mercifully Robin managed to strike the perfect balance in 1987 with <i>Good Morning Vietnam</i>.<br />
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This was the ideal cinematic venture for Williams. Bringing his own manic interpretation to his portrayal of real-life U.S Armed Forces Radio Services D.J. Adrian Cronauer, the film also mined plenty of social commentary inherent in the spate of Vietnam War movies which were in vogue at the time. All of a sudden Williams was THE HOTNESS again.<br />
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Now on the top of the world, Robin had the pick of the litter when it came to scripts. His next film, <i>Dead Poet's Society,</i> was undoubtedly one of the best roles:<br />
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Thanks to a brief but memorable appearance as The King of the Moon in <i>The Adventures of Baron Munchhausen</i> just two years prior, Robin forged a timely relationship with former <i>Monty Python</i> alum Terry Gilliam. Partnered with the perfect straight man in the form of Jeff Bridges, the three delivered Gilliam's most even and satisfying movie to date: <i>The Fisher King</i>.<br />
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Williams was so popular with moviegoers his career seemed insulated against failure. Even when Steven Spielberg's <i>Hook</i> famously bombed in 1991 he rebounded one short year later with a characteristically<i> improv-a-licious</i> vocal performance as the Genie in <i>Aladdin</i>.<br />
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Robin was still being offered plenty of A-list material so he had no problems bouncing back from the occasional dud. For every <i>Toys</i>, <i>Jack</i> or <i>Flubber</i> there was an <i>Awakenings</i>, a <i>Jumanji</i>, a <i>Mrs. Doubtfire</i> or a <i>Birdcage</i>. In 1997 <i>wunderkind</i> screenwriters Ben Affleck and Matt Damon saw their script for <i>Good Will Hunting</i> get fast-tracked when Williams signed on to play Dr. Sean McGuire. This proved to be a shrewd move for Williams since his performance in that film earned him an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor.<br />
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But just like everything else in Hollywood, what goes up must invariably come down. After his Oscar win, things seem to peter out a bit for Williams with a string of forgettable movies. As if sensing that he had nothing to lose, Robin took on his most daring and challenging role to date: that of the socially-crippled stalker Seymour "Sy" Parrish in the tremendously unsettling <i>One Hour Photo</i>.<br />
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Except for a memorable supporting role in <i>Night at the Museum</i> as Teddy Roosevelt, from that point on Williams was largely relegated to a string of disposable "comedies" like <i>RV</i>, <i>Father's Day, License To Wed</i> and <i>The Big Wedding</i>. His constant breakneck pace of making anywhere from one to six (!) movies a year seems rather telling to me. Was he a slave to public attention? Did he have addictions to feed? Was he a chronic workaholic? Did he fear obscurity if he didn't keep cranking out at least one movie a year, regardless of quality? Or he just feel as if he was running out of time? <br />
<br />
Considering the high quality of his previous roles, I'm sure that Robin must have looked at the scripts he was being offered as a fifty / sixty year old actor as a step backwards. A recent failed trip back into the ghetto of mediocre network television must have been particularly galling.<br />
<br />
On the surface Robin was such a happy, ebullient and positive person critics probably though that he was completely immune to their barbs. Whenever one of his films didn't live up to expectations, Robin often bore the brunt of critical wrath. Here's a particularly catty <a href="http://variety.com/2014/film/reviews/film-review-the-angriest-man-in-brooklyn-1201198490/">review</a> by Peter Debruge in <i>Variety</i> for <i>The Angriest Man in Brooklyn:</i> <br />
<i><br />"It’s movie night, and you can choose between crazy-shouty Robin Williams (think </i>The Fisher King<i>) and blubbering feel-good Robin Williams (like the one who discovers his son, dead from autoerotic asphyxiation, in </i>World’s Greatest Dad<i>). Which would you prefer? Trick question! In </i>The Angriest Man in Brooklyn<i>, you can have it both ways, as Williams plays the human equivalent of a bulging forehead vein who learns he has 90 minutes to live and spends the rest of the movie making amends, like Ebenezer Scrooge at the end of </i>A Christmas Carol<i>. Most auds will prefer have no Robin Williams at all."</i><br />
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But it wasn't just a career dip that killed the comedy genius. He'd been down many times before and stormed back from darker places. No, I think that the reason he's no longer with us is a lot more clinical and chronic then that.<br />
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As a kid the very concept of suicide never once crossed my mind. Even during my loneliest, most awkward times I could derive a tremendous amount of happiness from the simplest things in life. Plus, I always felt surrounded by people who loved and supported me, people who would be gutted if I were suddenly gone. But the older I get the more the concept of voluntarily opting out starts to make the tiniest smidgen of sense.<br />
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In the movie <i>The Weatherman</i> (<i>not </i>starring Robin Williams, co-incidentally, but Nick Cage back when he obviously had more discriminating taste in scripts) the main character of David (!) Spritz (!!!) is a frustrated writer who falls back into a lingering, unwanted career as a locally-derided weatherman. At one point he observes:<br />
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<i>"I remember once imagining what my life would be like, what I'd be like. I pictured having all these qualities, strong positive qualities that people could pick up on from across the room. But as time passed, few ever became any qualities that I actually had. And all the possibilities I faced and the sorts of people I could be, all of them got reduced every year to fewer and fewer. Until finally they got reduced to one, to who I am. And that's who I am, the weather man." </i><br />
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Now, depending on your outlook on life this is either very life-affirming or one of the most depressing things you'll ever read. I tend to subscribe to the later interpretation, especially in light of this particular quote by Tyler Durden in <i>Fight Club</i>:<br />
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<i>"We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars, but we won't. We're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off." </i><br />
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This life-long process of disappointment begins as soon as we hit adulthood and the realistic options of what we can be and do immediately starts to shrink. Then, as soon as we hit age thirty, the options get pared down again. Then, with each and every passing decade, our modern society tells us that the seemingly infinite number of choices we had as kids has now been whittled down to just a few. Or worse: <i>only one</i>.<br />
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I've written before about how society is less then kind to people of <a href="http://emblogificationcapturedevice.blogspot.ca/2011/07/hey-geezeraid-suck-on-this.html">seniority</a>. We live in a culture that worships youth and age discrimination is the last bastion of socially acceptable discrimination. On his current press junket for <i>The Expendables 3</i>, Sylvester Stallone seems to be getting an inordinate amount of "Hey, aren't you too old for this?" or "Why the fuck haven't you retired already?" <a href="http://www.metro.us/newyork/entertainment/movies-entertainment/2014/08/13/expendables-3-star-sylvester-stallone-nowhere-near-ready-retire/">questions</a>. Who gives a shit, I say? If you don't want to watch a film starring a bunch of older actors then don't go see it. Why question his right to keep doing what he wants to do?<br />
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Robin endured a birthday recently just one day after my own and I can tell you right now: nothing makes a person more depressed than society as a whole trying to convince you that your best days are behind you. The really scary thing is that, in my estimation, Robin is one of the lucky few who "made it". He appeared to be financially solvent and he'd obviously made a slew of memorable movies that made him universally adored and effectively immortal.<br />
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Which inspires the scariest question of them all: if someone like Robin Williams can't survive seniority then what hope do any of us have?<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Which is why I want to ensure that everyone who reads this doesn't harbor such thoughts for even so much as a second.</i><br />
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The bottom line is that Robin was struggling with illness, both mental and (as we just learned a few days ago) <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/arts/robin-williams-was-in-early-stages-of-parkinson-s-disease-wife-says-1.2736667">physical</a> as well. Clearly he wasn't healthy and all of his high-profile connections and financial resources couldn't help him. If you've ever been unfortunate enough to lose someone to suicide you know how inevitable it can feel sometimes. A constant battery of support and treatment is needed just to keep these people alive, let alone permanently banish thoughts of self-harm from their heads. Which inspires another question: did Robin's chemical dependency deepen because of depression or was it just an effort to self medicate the chemical imbalance out of his own brain?<br />
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But here's the real truth: most of us arrive at age sixty-three or some other major milestone feeling challenged and sanguine but otherwise fairly upbeat. If you, Gentle Reader, like Robin, find yourself constantly wrestling with inescapable thoughts of downward spirals or a sense of inevitable finality that you can't overcome, <i>then seek help now.</i><br />
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Remember: as dark as things look right right now the paradigm can shift and with it comes new and exciting possibilities.<br />
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<i>Because even one new option is better then none. </i><br />
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<u><b>EPIC HELP</b></u> There are a lot of great organizations out there to help people in crisis. <a href="https://www.save.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.viewPage&page_id=1&r=1&CFID=10315098&CFTOKEN=1ff2535cae795f-EDDD4FC1-C29A-2288-21FC7B85599FC7B3">S.A.V.E. (Suicide Awareness Voices of Education)</a> is looking for a silver lining in this tragedy by trying to increase awareness about this very serious mental health epidemic.<br />
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<u><b>EPIC DOC</b></u> If you don't believe that suicidal folks feel crushed by constant feelings of inevitability then you need to watch this amazing documentary. Then again, you may not if only because it's incredibly heart-breaking. <br />
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<u><b>EPIC CLIP</b></u> For me, nothing encapsulates Robin's amazing gifts quite like his ability to entertain a <a href="https://screen.yahoo.com/robin-williams-snl-skits/robin-williams-monologue-safe-sex-000000285.html">live audience</a>.<br />
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<u><b>FAIL-URE OF WORDS</b></u> This short poem I wrote a few years ago seems to apply. But only just so...<br />
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<i><b>Scouting Party</b></i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>It is a wise invention</i><br />
<i> that we leave in generations.</i><br />
<i>Heroes and icons we come to regard as immortal</i><br />
<i> age and blaze a trail for us.</i><br />
<i>And make the inevitable passing</i><br />
<i> a little more tolerable. </i> <br />
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David Prettyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11223458627724051713noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1660706916750956362.post-69215835574504404052014-07-21T15:34:00.001-04:002014-07-21T15:34:42.975-04:00The Same Page<i>Pozdrowienia</i>, Media Magnates!<br />
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Take a look at this photo:<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-yreBLF6BhKY/U8VRgOyUNNI/AAAAAAAAQBA/nCFhEefuVrM/s1600/blog+image.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-yreBLF6BhKY/U8VRgOyUNNI/AAAAAAAAQBA/nCFhEefuVrM/s1600/blog+image.jpg" height="218" width="320" /></a></div>
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Okay, now have a gander at this one:<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Ugdh-Jtz7Yc/U81N1s72lMI/AAAAAAAAQDA/kZoIfoQ9oXs/s1600/blog+image.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Ugdh-Jtz7Yc/U81N1s72lMI/AAAAAAAAQDA/kZoIfoQ9oXs/s1600/blog+image.jpg" height="162" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-E2M0_gHbUqo/U81Mk3E7ZwI/AAAAAAAAQC0/61SYU_wSMIg/s1600/blog+image.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></a></div>
Similar-looking photos have inspired the following meme:<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YUGSnySMbZE/U8VrZaNflUI/AAAAAAAAQBs/ftEd_dQDZuY/s1600/not+the+same+as.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YUGSnySMbZE/U8VrZaNflUI/AAAAAAAAQBs/ftEd_dQDZuY/s1600/not+the+same+as.png" height="320" width="247" /></a></div>
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But actually there <i>is</i> a difference. There's a helluva <i>big</i> f#@king difference.<br />
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In the first <i>olde-timey</i> photo, commuters are being informed about what's important by a horde of independent, muck-raking journalists.<i> </i>Literally<i> everyone</i> is on the same page. In the second photo it's much more likely that people are texting their lunch plans, watching cat videos or playing <i>Candy Crush</i>.<br />
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'C'mon, Dave,' I can hear you saying, 'Isn't that just a wee bit cynical?'<br />
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Okay, fine, then. Let's just say for argument's sake that everyone in the second photo is doing some independent research<i> </i>- <i><b>*Pffffttt!!!*</b> - </i>on climate change<i>.</i> The question then becomes are they watching this:<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/ldE_86WB9u0?rel=0" width="560"></iframe>
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Or this: <br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/t8nZZKtsqJc?rel=0" width="560"></iframe>
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Let's look at another example. Say I wanna investigate the income gap in the United States. Do I go watch this:<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/LlYojsi3Zqw?rel=0" width="560"></iframe>
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Or do I watch a report that tries to re-brand the issue as "class warfare":<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/EQ90vq0k5j8?rel=0" width="560"></iframe>
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Maybe I want to check out a retrospective on the Iraq War. I could go with a learned, well-researched documentary featuring expert testimony:<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/ofocNRUWOQk?rel=0" width="420"></iframe>
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Or watch an op-ed segment featuring a moron who can barely read a teleprompter:<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/V3PqnKMF614?rel=0" width="560"></iframe>
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If I'm keen to understand the current strife between the Israelis and the Palestinians I could scope out this reasonably well-balanced animated summary:<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/Y58njT2oXfE?rel=0" width="560"></iframe>
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Or I could listen to a platoon of hyperbole-spewing tub-thumpers regurgitate theie politically-motivated marching orders:<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/u1Q59EPto_8?rel=0" width="560"></iframe>
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Speaking of Obama, how's his new Affordable Care Act doing? Well, here's an opinion piece which features the increasingly-rare use of something called "facts":<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/Ng1ToQeT23g?rel=0" width="560"></iframe>
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Or I could subscribe to landed immigrant / professional contrarian<i> </i>Stuart Varney's view and throw the public health care baby out with the President's bathwater simply because the "progressive" ("<i>Ewwwww!!!</i>") desire to improve a country's standard of living should always be rejected wholesale as rank "socialism":<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/cl___xqhk_8?rel=0" width="560"></iframe>
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<i>And herein lies the big difference</i>.<br />
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In the first photo a clutch of well-informed citizens arrive at work, gather around the lunch table and engage in rabble-rousing conversations about society's genuine ills. In the second photo everyone is cherry-picking whatever re-enforces their own myopic view of the world, even if it's flat-out wrong.<br />
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So, until most of us get back on the same page together and the concept of "liberal" and "conservative" are abandoned in favor of the much more sensible paradigm of "right" and "wrong", the divide will continue to grow between us. <br />
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<i>And not much of anything is gonna get done.</i> <br />
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<u><b>EPIC NEW RULE</b></u> Leave it to <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WkTqYnIF_go">Bill Maher</a> to summarize this concept very nicely. <br />
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<u><b>A "FAIL"-URE TO COMMUNICATE</b></u> <a href="https://plus.google.com/102168086755184857096/posts/LsJSbbqp5Jj">So close yet so far away</a>.<br />
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<br />David Prettyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11223458627724051713noreply@blogger.com0