Monday, June 14, 2010

Revenge is a Dish Best Served with Vasoline

Hello, Kind Reader.

I lived on the 18'th Floor of the Loyola Building at St. Mary University for two years. During this time I was privy to the most elaborate, cruel and imaginative pranks ever devised by the twisted human psyche.

If you kept your door shut too long or (God forbid) left your room unattended with your door open you were fair game for any of the following plagues:

  1. The Manila.  Locate a manila envelope, preferably one the size of a sleeping bag.  Fill it with shaving cream and optional bits of flotsam and jetsam (paper clips, instant rice, gerbil poo), slip the opening of the envelope under the door and then stomp on it as hard as you can.   Ker-BLAMMO!
  2. Put Vasoline on your buddy's knob!  Wow, that sounded really bad but it's not what you think.  Coat the outside door knob with vasoline or K-Y jelly and send your friend scrambling for a towel.   "Eeeeeewww!  What the f#@$ was that?!"
  3. The Teep-Grenade.  Soak several rolls of toilet paper in a bucket of warm water.  Find as many people as possible to grab a handful of the goop.  Let excess water run off until you have a snowballish consistency.  Pelt it at door of favored target, preferably while victim is sleeping (to scare witless) or home for the weekend (to facilitate sufficient drying time).  Side note, creative types can have fun with the relief-map possibilities here.  Add paint to really ramp up the "F#@%-you" factor!
  4. New digs. While room is left unattended move the entire contents into the elevator.  Press buttons for every floor and watch as progressively fewer things appear ever time the doors open up again!  Neato!        
  5. "The Force Field".  Place clear shrink wrap over the top of a toilet under the seat.  'Nuff said.  Especially effective overnight or early morning if a few casual (or not so casual) beverages have been consumed the prior evening.
  6. The Illustrated Man.  Spray a beer bottle with Lysol rendering the ink in the label liquidy and transferable.  Roll bottle on exposed skin of a passed-out buddy and he'll wake up thinking he got the worst tattoo(s) in recorded history.  Extra disorientation points: wake victim up by blasting Leonard Cohen's "First We Take Manhattan" from nearby stereo.    
  7. "Soupy Sales, meet Ben & Jerry".  Get ice cream for desert at the cafeteria.  Tell one of your more gullible floor mates that "My ice cream smells funny."  As he leans in for a whiff, plaster it into his mush.
  8. Pennywise the Prank.  While the victim is inside room cram as many pennies as possible between the door and it's frame thus preventing the dweller from turning the knob to get out.  Combines nicely with an inside job # 2 to really ramp up the cabin fever.
  9. Welcome to Empire Theaters!  This is one of the worst and it's usually only reserved for really hated types that make the grievous error of leaving their door open.  Proceed to Mini Mart and purchase as many packs of microwavable popcorn with the scant few points left on your meal card.  Cook up approximately three to six-thousand bags and empty the contents all around the target's room until popcorn is knee-high.  If time permits, place popcorn in desk drawers, socks, CD players, and milk cartons to really underscore the asshole factor.
  10. Display Model.  Handcuff victim to convenient metal handle provided inside the elevator.  Combine with a certain amount of nudity for that certain "je ne sais quoi".
  11. The Leaner.  Fill a bucket with water (merciful) or some other more heinous liquid (the mind reels!) and lean it against the victim's door.  Pound on the door emergency-style, stand back a few paces and watch the hilarity ensue!  Want to see how a floor mate would cope in the last few reels of  "Titanic"?   Fill up a garbage can for the truly epic, appropriately-dubbed "King Kong Leaner."   
And people wonder why I was "Mr. Seen and Not Heard" my first year in residence!  I saw first hand the destruction creatively evil people have wrought and, scared s#!^less, reasoned that if I kept my mouth shut and didn't do anything particularly brash or stupid I wouldn't get pranked back to the Stone Age.  I may not have been the center of attention but at least I kept my nose clean and kept my damage deposit.  

EPIC:  Now play nice, kids!


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