What Kind Of Trump Supporter Are You?

In my mercifully-limited interactions with Trump supporters, I've discovered that they pretty much fall into one or more of the following categories:

(1) 401K Fetishists  These folks have somehow got it into their heads that only business people are fit to run the world, despite the fact that a disproportionate number of them are complete and total sociopaths.

Despite the fact that Trump had a comically-bad public sector business record and the personality of a 80's porn distributor, this was the guy the American people decided to foist up as their best possible avatar to lead their nation.

And, hey, I'll give the guy credit where it's due. He did a reasonably-good job building on the economic momentum initiated by President Obama. But, then again, any moron can exempt businesses from paying a dime of taxes which could be used to fund critical social programs or remove key regulations to make affluent folks even richer.

During those heady salad days (I.E. up until around mid-March of this year), Americans who could actually afford investments were perfectly content to turn a blind eye to Trump's worst attributes, merely because their $401K's were performing well. Which begs the question, why are some of these folks still supporting that clementine hobgoblin after COVID-19 eloquently pointed out the critical flaw in our society, which is based entirely around constant, unsustainable consumption?

I guess many of these $401K fetishists also share one (or more) of the following odious leanings...

(2) Objectivist Ayn Randian Assholes

Sadly, an entire generation of Conservatives / Republicans were weaned on the teaching of this inexplicably-influential Russian crone:

Even though her "screw everyone else, I'm lookin' out for number one!" philosophy is anathema to the development of a humane and progressive society, Conservatives and Republicans are 100% more likely to have a poster of ol' Baba Yaga here up on their wall versus Margot Robbie.

"What? Objectivism? A fancy-sounding philosophy that gives me the right to act like a self-absorbed dick-head? Wow, where do I sign up?"

I swear to Vishnu that the following story is true. I was in Salem on vacation one time, just hanging out in a busy shopping district....oh, wait, before I go any further I have to explain that this took place during THE BEFORE TIMES when we could BE OUTDOORS and STILL GATHER IN GROUPS OF TWO.

Anyhoo, a couple of people representing a recognizable social action group were stopping people and asking if they'd like to sign a petition to raise awareness for environmental concerns. At one point they stopped this douchey-looking, suit-and-tie, briefcase-toting mound of mobile hair gel and asked if he'd be willing to sign the petition.

Without a beat he held up his hand, marched right past them and announced: "Nope...I'm a Republican."

'You're not a Republican, I thought to myself. 'You're a galloping ass munch.'

Oh, related point: if you've spent your entire adult life railing against the "evils of socialism", I sincerely hope that your livelihood wasn't even incrementally impacted by this whole COVID-19 crap. Because if you accept so much as a dime of funding during this time, you may want to make your self-quarantine permanent.

(3) The Brainwashed

Even though we should, in theory, have access to more reliable information than ever before, many of us seem perfectly willing to customize our news, effectively crawling into an echo chamber, never to re-emerge into the light of reason and awareness ever again.

Back in the day, everyone got their news from the same established periodicals or nightly network broadcasts. Granted, there were still discernible political leanings between, say, Time or Newsweek magazine, but they weren't driven by a blatant corporate agenda or mandated to churn out bloated, 800 page issues every month filled speculative (read: wing-nutty) editorials.

For those out there who still remember COMMUNAL SPACES and CHATS AROUND THE WATER COOLER, folks would often gather together the following morning to discus the previous day's events. The thing is, back then, everyone was vaguely on the same page because they were still being informed by fact-based journalism.

But then, along comes Bill "Good Ole' Boy" Clinton, who deregulates media ownership with the disastrous Telecommunications Act of 1996. This essentially let corporations snatch up hundreds of independent media outlets until, nowadays, everything in the U.S. looks like this.

Given this new climate of corporate over-watch, media has since become little more than a soap-box for rich owners and their agendas. And, look, this isn't limited to conservative news outlets. It's a serious symptom for any 24-hour cable news channel. 

I don't know about you, but every time I click on a CNN or MSNBC YouTube vid, I'll watch it up until they stop reporting the details of the event. Then, as soon as they roll out a panel of so-called "experts" in to "interpret" what they just told me, I click it off. Back in the 80's, there was no "interpretation" of the days events. You were told the facts and you made up your own damned mind about it.

But, hey, at least CNN and MSNBC still qualify as a news organization, as opposed to Fox "News", which is little more than a constant conveyor belt of conspiratorial opinion pieces mouthed by an interchangeable parade of creepy thimbots masquerading as journalists...

It's really interesting to see what happens when intrinsically good people, who have be exclusively marinating in Faux News, Rush Limblaugh and *heaven forbid* Info Wars, suddenly get  disconnected from the teat of fear, paranoia and hatred.

At least this story has a happy ending:

(4) "Look, I'm Not Racist, BUT..."

Back in the day, before such things were normalized, the only place where people could openly yell racist shit in public were at wrestling events. I imagine Hossein Khosrow Ali Vaziri, AKA The Iron Sheik, had some charming l'il homilies yelled at him by rednecks many a time while he was a heel for the WWF.

Then again, he's said some bizarre shit himself, so maybe that's not the best example.

But, hey, now looky here! We got ourselves a prezident with zero control over the darkest aspects of the human ID. Finally, them pesky filters and bulwarks of common decency are gone and I can finally speak the truth! Sure my investments are in the dumper and 10% of the U.S. population might die due to Trump's idiocy, but I can still feel good about myself by publicly airing my hatred for brown people!

(4) Art of the Deal...With The Devil

Hey, guess what, guys? Trump's actually a Democrat at heart!

Fun fact, that l'il "hit piece" was actually compiled by human / blobfish hybrid Ted Cruz! Thanks, Ted...you two-faced, sycophantic, spineless toad.

Okay, I hear what you're saying...a guy can change his mind, right? Well, what if I were to tell you that Trump pivoted on this issue merely because he knew it would win him the Evangelical / right to life vote?

And, granted, when he was elected, he did go on to become one of the biggest "right to life" champions. And for this, his feckless base LOVE him for it, with former director of the Christian Coalition, Ralph Reed, going so far as to say that Trump "masterfully capitalized on his pro-life position in a way I think no one could have envisioned four years ago" and that "voters who are pro-life love Donald Trump and they will crawl across broken glass to get him reelected."

What really amuses me is how Evangelicals, I.E. all of those "holier than thou" types, are willing to turn a blind eye to the fact that Trump is one of the most corrupt and immoral creeps to ever hold the office of President. 

And for folks who value the wisdom of the Bible, there sure like to ignore this particular chestnut:

"It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God".

***

So, there you go. How many categories do you fit into? One? Two? Do you proudly check off every box?

Speaking as someone who was raised with a conscience, functioning ears and eyes and a memory that extends more than five years, I disqualified Trump as a presidential candidate / human being back in the 80's when I first heard him vomit the most narcissistic, inane shit to tumble out of a mammal's mouth. I consider myself a good judge of character and my first impression of Trump was of an ego-maniacal, Gordon Gecko-style blowhard corporatist who wears ignorance, excess and greed on his sleeve like a badge of honor.

Seriously, America, consider picking someone from a different sector to lead you next time. Assuming there will be a next time. A scientist, maybe? OooOoo...how about a virologist?

EPIC:  "This is your brain."

If people had just paid a modicum of attention to Trump's pre-presidency exploits, I'm confident that he would have been immediately disqualified as a valid presidential candidate.

   

FAIL: "This is your brain on Faux News, Rush Limblaugh and Infant Wars."