In Transit

Here's how my flight home last year played out in a series of desperate and pathetic Tweets:

12:27 PM 

Sorry that the weather's completely shite today, guys, but I'm flying today.

#alanismorissetteironic

 

12:28 PM

The airport: the only place on the planet where a bottle of water is more expensive then a tall Starbuck's dark roast.

#hydrationpaymentplan?

 

12:30 PM

The airport: where young people bliss-out with digital distractions and old people cling doggedly to boredom.

#generationgapchasm

 

12:34 PM

The airport: where an elderly black woman can dress like Diahann Carroll in the "Star Wars Holiday Special" and no-one bats an eye.

#pssstdiscoisdead

 

12:39 PM

Hey, moron, if the airport waiting area is totally silent then everyone can hear your "private" phone conversation.

#useyourindoorvoice

 

12:50 PM

A hyperventilating older woman continues to linger just outside the still-open plane door.

#Ivedecidedtorethinkthiswholeflyingthing

 

12:51 PM

The stewardess has now linked arms with her in case the old woman passes out and rolls down the steps.

#whatevershesgettingpaiditisntnearlyenough

 

12:56 PM

Dude to panicked lady: "You'll be alright, maid! In a few minutes you'll be back there playin' cards and havin' a smoke!"

#screwsafetyregulationsletlighterup

 

12:58 PM

Stewardess seems to have pacified the panicked lady with a premature offering of pretzels and O.J.

#prozaclacedjuicebox

 

1:00 PM

Pretty sure the dude seated in front of me has been marinating in Captain Morgan and Aqua Velva. 

#youcanwearORdrinkeitherofthem

 

1:00 PM

God, I sure hope the pilot flies better then he drives.

#checkhispapers 

 

1:03 PM

Oh...my...God, I just heard the stewardess refer to our pilot as a "new hire". #thingsyoudontwannahearonaplane

 

1:06 PM

So, apparently the chemical used to de-ice planes first turns ice brown, then it turns ice green and then and only then does it melt it. 

#seemslegit

 

2:31 PM

Plastic cup just popped out of the seat flap in front of me, spilling ice and O.J. into my open backpack.

#urgetokillrisingrisingrising

 

2:36 PM

The two things that have caused me the most hearing loss in my lifetime are rock concerts and Dash-8 airplane cabin noise.

#wha?

 

2:46 PM

Dash-8 planes: slightly less leg room then a go-cart. Inadvertently molested my seat-mate while fishing my iPod outta my backpack.

#thosenutsarentcomplimentary

 

2:47 PM

DEER LAKE: I AM IN YOU!!!

#notdirtytechnicallycorrect

 

2:51 PM

Feet pinned under backpack and not enough room to pull bag up between shins and seat in front of me. "HALP!  I IS TRAPT!"  

#santaclaustrophobia

 

2:52 PM

LEMME OFF!!! LEMME OFF!!! LEMME OFF!!! LEMME OFF!!! LEMME OFF!!! LEMME OFF!!! LEMME OFF!!! LEMME OFF!!! LEMME OFF!!!

#margesimpson

 

3:12 PM

Seeing the smiling faces of the 'rents in the terminal widow = priceless.

#worththeeffort

 

 

EPIC LOOP    See how far you can get through this before you end up joining her in the chorus... 

 

HOLIDAY SPECIAL FAIL     "OoooOooo...OOOO! We are excited, aren't we?"