Here's how my flight home last year played out in a series of desperate and pathetic Tweets:
12:27 PM
Sorry that the weather's completely shite today, guys, but I'm flying today.
#alanismorissetteironic
12:28 PM
The airport: the only place on the planet where a bottle of water is more expensive then a tall Starbuck's dark roast.
#hydrationpaymentplan?
12:30 PM
The airport: where young people bliss-out with digital distractions and old people cling doggedly to boredom.
#generationgapchasm
12:34 PM
The airport: where an elderly black woman can dress like Diahann Carroll in the "Star Wars Holiday Special" and no-one bats an eye.
#pssstdiscoisdead
12:39 PM
Hey, moron, if the airport waiting area is totally silent then everyone can hear your "private" phone conversation.
#useyourindoorvoice
12:50 PM
A hyperventilating older woman continues to linger just outside the still-open plane door.
#Ivedecidedtorethinkthiswholeflyingthing
12:51 PM
The stewardess has now linked arms with her in case the old woman passes out and rolls down the steps.
#whatevershesgettingpaiditisntnearlyenough
12:56 PM
Dude to panicked lady: "You'll be alright, maid! In a few minutes you'll be back there playin' cards and havin' a smoke!"
#screwsafetyregulationsletlighterup
12:58 PM
Stewardess seems to have pacified the panicked lady with a premature offering of pretzels and O.J.
#prozaclacedjuicebox
1:00 PM
Pretty sure the dude seated in front of me has been marinating in Captain Morgan and Aqua Velva.
#youcanwearORdrinkeitherofthem
1:00 PM
God, I sure hope the pilot flies better then he drives.
#checkhispapers
1:03 PM
Oh...my...God, I just heard the stewardess refer to our pilot as a "new hire". #thingsyoudontwannahearonaplane
1:06 PM
So, apparently the chemical used to de-ice planes first turns ice brown, then it turns ice green and then and only then does it melt it.
#seemslegit
2:31 PM
Plastic cup just popped out of the seat flap in front of me, spilling ice and O.J. into my open backpack.
#urgetokillrisingrisingrising
2:36 PM
The two things that have caused me the most hearing loss in my lifetime are rock concerts and Dash-8 airplane cabin noise.
#wha?
2:46 PM
Dash-8 planes: slightly less leg room then a go-cart. Inadvertently molested my seat-mate while fishing my iPod outta my backpack.
#thosenutsarentcomplimentary
2:47 PM
DEER LAKE: I AM IN YOU!!!
#notdirtytechnicallycorrect
2:51 PM
Feet pinned under backpack and not enough room to pull bag up between shins and seat in front of me. "HALP! I IS TRAPT!"
#santaclaustrophobia
2:52 PM
LEMME OFF!!! LEMME OFF!!! LEMME OFF!!! LEMME OFF!!! LEMME OFF!!! LEMME OFF!!! LEMME OFF!!! LEMME OFF!!! LEMME OFF!!!
#margesimpson
3:12 PM
Seeing the smiling faces of the 'rents in the terminal widow = priceless.
#worththeeffort
EPIC LOOP See how far you can get through this before you end up joining her in the chorus...
HOLIDAY SPECIAL FAIL "OoooOooo...OOOO! We are excited, aren't we?"
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