Thursday, December 20, 2012

December 21'st, 2012 May Not Be What You Had In Mayan

Hey, Fellow Survivors!

A lot of folks seem to think that this is our last day on earth but if something nasty does happen to us I'm pretty confident that:

(A) It won't happen tomorrow.
(B) It won't come in the form of a John Cusack-style apocalyptic conflagration whereby our planet suddenly falls apart like a dollar-store umbrella after hitting an unmarked expiry date.  

No, it's much more likely that the following things will happen over the next few years instead:   
  1. President Barack Obama ushers in strict new gun control legislation and a gaggle of idiots who don't think firearms have changed since the Constitution was drafted in 1787 (like Ted Nugent, Chuck Norris and NRA pinheads David Keene and Wayne LaPierre) begin to wage open rebellion against the government.  To stave off the threat of anarchy, Obama is forced to declare martial law and chuck the rebels into FEMA camps.  Unfortunately he's permanently overcome with a wave of paranoia and doesn't stop at "just a few rebels"...
  2. A massive solar flare is blamed for the breakdown of the global power grid.  Without television, video games, tablets and smart phones to act as an opiate for the masses, people soon realize that they have absolutely no clue how to keep themselves alive.  It doesn't take long before they turn on one another like wolverines packed into a dog crate which has been gyrating in a paint mixer for two hours.  
  3. Some wacky supervirus breaks out of its test tube prison.  Why was such a plague cooked up in the first place?  Apparently it's the scientific equivalent of climbing Mount Everest: you just do it 'cuz you can.      
  4. We get a real, live zombie apocalypse courtesy of some crazy drug, widespread infection or a good ol' fashioned space probe coming back from Venus.  Gorehounds who've been marinating themselves in nothing but episodes of The Walking Dead and the collected oeuvre of George A. Romero see this as a glass-half-full scenario and start ventilating one ghoul after another without so much as a twinge of remorse.  Unfortunately, it's often difficult to tell the living dead from the average bus commuter, so, y'know, a coupla (hundred) mistakes are bound to happen. 
  5. America goes off the Fiscal Cliff, China calls in all overdue loans like the global Cosa Nostra and currency in North America becomes as valuable as Monopoly money.  This ushers in a one-world economy *slash* government in which all of humanity becomes as homogeneous, uniform and boring as the Ocampa from Star Trek: Voyager.  Of all the scenarios I'm positing here, this one scares me the most.
  6. Secret experiments regarding the creation of a human /ape hybrid suddenly come to light.  In an example of life imitating art, these "humanzees" get really pissed off after watching Tim Burton's abominable Planet of the Apes remake and go completely Donkey Kong on our asses.      
  7. Alien spaceships appear over every major city on Earth, just like Independence Day, which ripped off V, which ripped off Arthur C.Clarke's Childhood's End.  Despite this atrocious lack of originality, most slack-jawed yokels fall for it hook, line and sinker.  This unites all of humanity together into one big homogeneous, uniform and boring race, kinda like the Bajorans in Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.  Pity the whole alien invasion thing is fake
  8. Some balsy journalist ends up blowing the lid off of some completely nutty conspiracy theory (HAARP, 9/11, we never landed on the moon), rocking people's world views and freaking them totally the f#@k out.  This leads to to the scenario described in #1 but this time out Chuck Norris doesn't seem like so much of an asshole. 
  9. Israel picks a fight with Iran or North Korean missile tests become more persistent and annoying than Gangnam style parody videos.  Seriously, we've seen so many of those gorram things lately the End of Days seems like sweet, sweet release in comparison.   
  10. But then there's my personal favorite: something causes all of us to realize that humanity is way too self absorbed and ignorant.  Humanity collectively agrees to put aside its petty greed and frivolity and concentrate on eliminating poverty, encouraging creativity and progress and taking care of our planet and its all of its inhabitants. 
Now, hopefully it won't take an economic crash, supervirus, alien invasion, elite expose or a zombie apocalypse to get us to come to our senses. 

EPIC ENTERTAINMENT  Gloriously sensationalistic, completely lopsided and more then a little paranoid, Jesse Ventura's Conspiracy Theory is always worth a few yuks:

FAILED ENTERTAINMENT  If I had a choice between watching this piece of poo or suffering through a real cataclysm, I'd gladly take the latter...

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