Sunday, February 6, 2011

The Typical Teacher

Howdy, Pahdnahs!

The best thing about being a reasonably good student in High School is that you could typically flirt with borderline slanderous behavior.  If the following diatribe came from a student with poor marks, it would instantly be interpreted as burgeoning antisocial behavior.  But coming from a kid who was academically respectable, it was just an example of someone being "creative".

But looking back, I really can't believe I got away with this.

Ladies and Germs, I humbly present my Grade 10 essay entitled "The Typical Teacher":

Teachers are odd beings found with frequency in and around any education facility.  However, the chances for a successful encounter are greatly reduced on weekends and holidays when the troop disbands for rest, relaxation and/or mental therapy.  At any rate, expeditions on any other weekday will surely yield an entire congregation of these bizarre creatures.  

Teachers are easily spotted, even if placed amidst a dense crowd of common-folk.  They are frequently clothed in attire dating from 1950 to 1970.  These motley raiments often feature archaic styles and colors typically indicative of a toxic waste spill.  Their hair tends to be short, conservative and reminiscent of the styles  popularized by either Jackie Kennedy or Harry S. Truman (and sometimes both).  Male teachers commonly employ a flat-top haircut so precise one can calibrate scientific instruments based on its dimensions.  Female teachers often keep their locks bound in a ponytail so tightly constructed that they often risk impeding blood flow to their brains.  In fact, if you are ever able to close within ten feet (not recommended) of a female teacher, you may notice a curious indentation on their necks.  This is, in fact, their navel which has been pulled up from it's traditional location in the mid-drift region by their tension-filled hairstyle of choice.

Approximately ninety-two percent of teachers are bespectacled.  Their eye wear is also woefully outdated, in fact some sets are so archaic that it is surprising that the lenses are still intact.  In the way of physical build, teachers are often short and slim.  Very short and slim.  Some appear almost minuscule in stature.  Other more uncommon physical mutations include morbid obesity or freakishly unnatural height which often results in chronically absurd levels of clumsiness.

Teachers are typically equipped with chalk, a gross of multicolored pens (one featuring blood-red ink), a ream of paper, and their infamous method of defense: the meter stick.  This terrifying piece of paraphernalia is a multi-purpose tool used for diagram construction, directional orientation and physical assaults.  It's use as a weapon to inspire fear and dread alone is unrivaled.  

Despite their oft-diminutive stature, teachers possess the temperament of a rabid, starving wolverine wounded after being backed into a corner where subsequently got caught in a bear trap.   They are notoriously short-tempered and their potential for fits of unrestrained rage seems to be boundless.  Indeed, these creatures are dangerous if provoked.  

Hand in hand with their fury is the auditory delivery system for their wrath: their voices.  Some possess a loud, grating system of communication that can eclipse the volume level of a Yamasaki 9000 stereo system.  A considerably more rare vocal signature is a squeaky, high-pitched wail which often veers into a pitch that only canines can hear.  Those teachers with weak voices tend to have matching personalities since they typically inspire hilarity instead of fear.  Through natural selection these pitiable creatures are becoming increasingly scarce since they are often bullied into early retirement.                         
Clearly teachers are unique lifeforms.  They are distinctive creatures that occupy a unique niche in society.  With their borderline obnoxious intelligence levels, conservative appearance and tendency towards unprovoked bursts of psychosis (coupled with a periodic flirtations with bouts of unearthly patience), they have become a pivotal, if not odd, pillar of our social structure.  

Please note that the preceding depiction of teachers is purely for the purposes of parody and any resemblance to any person living or dead is strictly co-incidental.   

The comment from my teacher:

Note: This statement is not legal protection against libel!

EPIC: This teacher proves a little humor goes a long way...

FAIL: Well, maybe she IS a loser...

1 comment:

Mark Rose said...

the teachers comment was HILARIOUS