Schism

Felicitations, Warriors Against Ignorance.

Well, I see that this piece of jingoistic clap-trap is bobbing around social media toilets again like an unflushed turd:

One Pissed off Canadian Housewife
 
"This is very good PLEASE read....

Thought you might like to read this letter to the editor. Ever notice how some people just seem to know how to write a letter?  This one surely does!
 
This was written by a Canadian woman, but oh how it also applies to the U.S.A., U.K. and Australia .

THIS ONE PACKS A FIRM PUNCH

Written by a housewife in New Brunswick , to her local newspaper. This is one ticked off lady...

'Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it not, started by Islamic people who
brought it to our shores on September 11, 2001 and have continually threatened to do so since?

Were people from all over the world, not brutally murdered that day, in downtown Manhattan , across the Potomac from the capitol of the USA and in a field in Pennsylvania ?
 
Did nearly three thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning or crushing death that day, or didn't they?

Do you think I care about four U. S. Marines urinating on some dead Taliban insurgents?

And I'm supposed to care that a few Taliban were claiming to be tortured by a justice system of a
nation they are fighting against in a brutal Insurgency.

I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East, start caring about the Holy Bible, the mere belief of which, is a crime punishable by beheading in Afghanistan .

I'll care when these thugs tell the world they are sorry for hacking off Nick Berg's head, while Berg
screamed through his gurgling slashed throat.
 
I'll care when the cowardly so-called insurgents in Afghanistan , come out and fight like men,
instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in Mosques and behind women and children.

I'll care when the mindless zealots who blow themselves up in search of Nirvana, care about the
innocent children within range of their suicide Bombs.

I'll care when the Canadian media stops pretending that their freedom of Speech on stories, is more important than the lives of the soldiers on the ground or their families waiting at home, to hear about them when something happens.

In the meantime, when I hear a story about a CANADIAN soldier roughing up an Insurgent
terrorist to obtain information, know this:

I don't care.

When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to move because he
might be booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank:

I don't care. Shoot him again.

When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a Koran and a prayer mat, and fed 'special' food, that is paid for by my tax dollars, is complaining that his holy book is being 'mishandled,' you can absolutely believe, in your heart of hearts:

I don't care.

And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's spelled 'Koran' and other times 'Quran.'
Well, Jimmy Crack Corn you guessed it.

I don't care!!'

If you agree with this viewpoint, pass this on to all your E-mail Friends. Sooner or later, it'll get to
the people responsible for this ridiculous behavior!

If you don't agree, then by all means hit the delete button. Should you choose the latter, then please don't complain when more atrocities committed by radical Muslims happen here in our great Country! 

And may I add:

Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering, if during their life on earth, they made a difference in the world. But, the Soldiers don't have that problem.

I have another quote that I would like to share AND...I hope you forward All this.

One last thought for the day:

Only five defining forces have ever offered to die for you:

1. Jesus Christ
2. The British Soldier.
3. The Canadian Soldier.
4. The US Soldier, and
5. The Australian Soldier

One died for your soul, the other four, for you and your children's Freedom.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO PASS THIS ON, AS MANY SEEM TO FORGET!

AMEN! GOD BLESS CANADA AND AMERICA ."

Okay, here's my rebuttal:

(1)  First off, this wasn't written by a housewife in Canada.  Or a housewife in the United States.  Or a housewife in Britain.  In fact, it wasn't even written by a housewife.  

It was written by Doug Patton, an ultra-Conservative speechwriter and policy adviser who was "broken hearted" after Sarah Palin decided not to run for president in 2012.

Also, I think it's kinda convenient that the re-attribution of this already-inflammatory article always omits the final line:

"I don't give a 'sheet' either about those 'sheet-heads'!"

Nice. 

(2) Secondly, can we not all agree that we support our troops?  Honestly, I've railed about this before at great length, but apparently it needs to be said again.  Just because I don't agree with what our government does with our military doesn't mean that I don't support the men and women of our military!  I have friends and family in the armed forces and anyone out there thinks I don't "support them" is gonna get a swift kick right in the cubes.  By priority post if necessary. 

As a taxpayer, I'd like to see our troops bring order to the Congo or guard our borders from terrorists.  In fact, I support our troops so much that I don't want them dispatched to places where they're exposed to needless danger.  And that includes Afghanistan.  

(3) I dunno, are we still fighting a "War on Terror"?  What the f#@k is a "War on Terror" anyway?  How do you fight an ideology?  I tell you what, why don't we start fighting a "War on Ignorance" and see how far we get?

Is it possible, just possible, that the "War on Terror" represents a nebulous, catch-all, eternal scapegoat that can be dragged out whenever our special interest-choked government needs an excuse to secure new oil and lithium deposits?  Or whenever they look to re-work a part of the Middle East just to make it easier for them to exploit?

(4)  Is there seriously anyone left out there who actually still believes that the government hasn't been involved in some shady acts of foreign policy?   Hold on...turn around for a sec and I'll straighten your "Sucker" sign for ya...

(5) Yes, the a$$holes who funded the murder of over three-thousand people on September 11'th, 2001 should be made to pay.  But weren't the terrorist attackers mainly from Saudi Arabia?  Why the hell didn't we go after them?  Oh, right, 'cuz the Bush family has some sort of creepy, symbiotic relationship with the Saudi Royal family:

Oh, wait, I hear some of you out there saying that we went into Afghanistan expressly to look for Osama Bin Hidin'.  Pity it took over a decade to track him down and when we finally did manage to nail him (and wisely blow him away without question) he was discovered in an allied country.  Whoopsie!

So instead of going after the nation that fostered these yahoos, the United States invaded two independent nations under dubious pretenses.  It's like when Kirk says to Khan in Star Trek II, "You've managed to kill everyone else, but like a poor marksman, you keep missing the target!" 

P.S. The Saudi's positively love public be-headings. 

(5)  Hey, remember back in the day when we, as citizens of "civilized" western democracies, didn't cotton to the idea of illegal detainment, occupying foreign countries and indiscriminately torturing and killing people?  When exactly did that change?    Remember how justifiably sickened we all were when this disgrace broke?

Oh, and for any ass-hat who still thinks the phrase "enhanced interrogation" is a reasonable euphemism for torture, have a listen to former Navy SEAL Jesse friggin' Ventura drop some science on Fox News Neo-Con apologist Brian Kilmeade:

(6) What if my best buddy is an Atheist and doesn't care about THE HOLY BIBLE?  Is he a fanatic?  An enemy?  Is he not worth caring about anymore?  Hmmmmmm, seems like the Tolerance Setting on your "What Would Jesus Do?" machine is broken...

(7) Yes, I admit it.  I don't understand the mentality of people who are willing to blow themselves up just for the slight possibility of receiving virginal poontang in the afterlife.  But I can understand how desperate people can get when they feel like they've got absolutely nothing to lose.

Lemme put it to you this way: imagine if China invaded and subjugated North America.  Imagine if your family, friends and love ones have all been taken away from you and you have no clue if they're alive or dead.  Image that you have no home, no belongings and no weapons to fight the invaders save a crude explosive device which, your told, is only effective if you wear it.

Nope, I still don't understand it.  But, I can understand how someone else could understand it.  KnowwhutImean?

Here's video (inspired by, of all things, a speech by the only half-way sane Republican presidential nominee Ron Paul) which starkly illustrates this point: 

(8) "I'll care when the Canadian media stops pretending that their freedom of Speech on stories, is more important than the lives of the soldiers on the ground or their families waiting at home, to hear about them when something happens." 

Okay, I have no friggin' clue what Patton is talking about here.  Does he still think this is World War II and we can't openly talk about "The War on Ignorance" because it's gonna result in collateral damage?  Or, much worse, that it's all just a load of bantha fodder?    

Well, hey, guess what, I'll care when Stephen Harper stops expecting the media to act as a complicit megaphone for his decidedly south-of-the-border neo-con agenda:

(9) Finally, the person that forwards this along then declares in no uncertain terms:

"Only five defining forces have ever offered to die for you:

1. Jesus Christ
2. The British Soldier.
3. The Canadian Soldier.
4. The US Soldier, and
5. The Australian Soldier

One died for your soul, the other four, for you and your children's Freedom."

All I want to say to this is that I'm very jealous.  I'm over forty years old now and I'll be the first to admit that I know less then when I was twenty.

So, yes, I'm jealous.  I've always wanted to be one of those people who are completely convinced that they're right about everything one-hundred percent of the time.

I imagine life would be a lot simpler.  

EPIC:  Statistics prove that prescription drugs are 16,400% more deadly than terrorists.  Hey, who's with me for a "War on Prozac"?

FAIL: I came across this in my travels today.  I'm not saying the dude's lying but my Fib-O-Meter is really off the chart!

Spinning Wheels

Hello, Returning Reader.

On May 16, 1990 one of my childhood heroes, Jim Henson, suddenly passed away after contracting a rare bacterial infection with a 75% survival rate. On the very same day iconic singer, Rat Pack-er and chronic smoker Sammy Davis Jr. died away after an extended battle with throat cancer.

Guess which story received the most media attention?

On  February 11, 2012 Whitney Houston's body was discovered in her suite at the Beverly Hilton Hotel. Five days later, Ontario police confirmed that Neil Hope, the actor who portrayed Derek "Wheels" Wheeler on the popular Degrassi Canadian television series, was found dead on November 25'th, 2007 in a boarding house in Hamilton.

People are still talking about Whitney.

Stories like this continue to highlight just how out of step I am with the general populace. Yes, Whitney Houston was a tremendous talent but she was never a major component in my life. On the other hand, when I first saw this particular kid on Degrassi Junior High back in 1987, he so reminded me of myself that I watched that show religiously for the next five years.

Mercifully I didn't grow up in an alcoholic household like Wheels and his real-life counterpart, but we did share several key characteristics. We were both painfully shy around girls, huge music fans and we harbored the same terrible predisposition for mullets and massive 80's era eye-ware.

Just like any other pathetic soap opera fan, I'd curse the Degrassi writers every week for pulling Wheels through a veritable knot-hole of misery. In one episode he gets drunk right before his big date with class strumpet Stephanie Kaye, ruining any chance at romance. Then his adoptive parents get killed by a drunk driver. After he moves in with his maternal grandparents he grows increasingly sullen, combative and sneaky.

Eventually Wheels ran away from home, hoping to move in with his deadbeat dad. During this horrible odyssey he nearly gets diddled by a pervy traveling salesman (!). When he finally arrives at his destination, his dad's new fiance takes one look at him and tells him to hit the bricks. He's sent packing back to his grandparents, who eventually kick him out when his chronic deception and thievery becomes unmanageable.

I'm tellin' ya, 80's kids in Canada were addicted to this show. As screwed up as viewer's lives might have been, at least they could point to Degrassi and say, 'Well, at least I'm not as messed up as that kid'. Well, some of the times, anyway. 

In one last kick to the cube-sack, Wheels gets drunk at a post-graduation summer party and crashes his car, maiming show favorite Lucy Fernandez (Anais Granofsky) and killing a fellow motorist.  After pleading guilty to charges of criminal negligence, Wheels gets tossed in the slammer for what seems like an inordinately long sentence.

I remember watching all this and screaming at the T.V. like an eighty year old woman watching re-runs of Knot's Landing:

"What are you doing, you idiot!?  After Joey's parents were kind enough to take you in, you're stealing from them now?  What the f#@k is wrong with you!?!"

After the School's Out television movie effectively nuked the Degrassi universe in 1992, Neil Hope seemed ready to move on. He wanted to be get out of the spotlight, work a normal 9-5 job, and have a life like everyone else. To someone who'd been in front of a camera since the tender age of seven, I'm sure this life sounded pretty appealing. But after toiling away in a series of anonymous, low-paying and creatively dead-end jobs, I think he began to realize that he'd made a tremendous mistake.   

When the Degrassi franchise was re-booted with The Next Generation in 2001, classic characters like Joey (Pat Mastroianni) and Caitlin (Stacie Mistysyn) returned as semi-regular cast members. But all they did with poor Wheels was give him a few perfunctory scenes where he gets out of jail, seeks forgiveness from Lucy and is harshly brow-beaten by Snake (Stefan Brogren). To this day, I'm not sure if this was just the extent of what the producers were willing to do with the character or if Neil  chose to keep his distance from the series.      

As a result, I had little interest in watching this new iteration of Degrassi, even though I knew that creators Yan Moore and Linda Schuyler were still serving up entertainment that was vastly superior to maudlin, superficial crap like Saved By the Bell or Dawson's Creek.  Besides, I wasn't exactly in the show's target age demographic anymore.

In this W5 "where are they now" segment from 2005, Neil talks at length about his head-space at the time:

Clearly, after ten years in the spotlight, Neil had fallen in love with the concept of anonymity and what most people would consider to be "a normal life". But when he realized that the life as an average working drone in our society wasn't particularly lucrative, rewarding, or fulfilling, I think he began to fear that he'd turned his back on his first best destiny. This is further born out in a recent article featuring an interview with Neil's former fiance Christina Boulard: 

"Boulard met Hope when they were both working at a Money Mart in Hamilton. 

'I’ve gotta work,' she said he told her. 'I’ve gotta make a living.'

He moved on to blue-collar jobs, including one at United Furniture Warehouse. But Boulard said he always talked about becoming a director, but never reached out to Degrassi’s producers or former castmates."

I'm sure it's just a matter of time before Canadian journalists start snooping around for salacious tidbits surrounding Neil's death. I, for one, will ignore the negativity and hope that he was reasonably happy wherever he was and passed away just because his time was up.  

Instead of focusing on sensationalism, I really wish the media would ask the only two questions that have been lingering with me ever since I heard this sad news:

(1)  Why did such an iconic and charismatic Canadian cultural icon feel that he had no choice but to
       keep toiling away in obscurity instead of directing that film?
(2)  Why are so many of us afraid or unwilling to ask for help when we really need it?   

"Everybody wants something they’ll never give up,
Everybody wants something, they’ll take your money and never give up"

EPIC   Today, I was relieved to discover that genuine closure was given to Neil and the character of Wheels in a 2003 episode of Degrassi: The Next Generation wherein the three members of Zit Remedy finally reunite and reconcile. 


FAIL  Headlines like this kinda make me want to punch someone's lights out.   

This Post Has 22 Paragraphs

'Ow's She Goin', Maid?

For the past nineteen years, This Hour Has 22 Minutes has been taped before a live studio audience in Halifax, Nova Scotia.  I've always wanted to go but procuring tickets and getting away from work before 6 pm was always a challenge.  But I am limited no more!  Thanks to the diligent effort of Dale Willman with the HalifACTS! local actors group, I finally got a chance to go this past Monday night.

We packed into the lobby of the CBC building on the corner of South Park and Sackville, taking great pains to ensure that no-one was left outside in the bitter cold (lest we find them later on stuck to the sidewalk like a morsel of discarded Juicy Fruit).  At the appointed time we were herded upstairs, plied with cheap wine and then led into the studio.  

Show writer / utility cast member / stand-up impresario Albert Howell soon appeared to warm up the crowd and introduce the cast.  The show's current roster includes:

Mark Critch

Geri Hall

(tragically in absentia for this episode)

Cathy Jones

Susan Kent

Meredith MacNeill

    

and 

Shaun Majumder

It was fascinating to watch the show get pieced together right before our very eyes.  Coming back from "commercial" a wide or overhead shot would establish the studio set and audience.  The floor camera would then track in on a designated cast member as they pitched their punchline in front of an appropriate graphic.

Occasionally Albert would instruct us to watch a previously-taped segment in the monitors overhead and react appropriately.  Conveniently we seemed to default to laughter thanks to the pointed political barbs and the sharp delivery of the collective cast.

As funny as the material was, I'd like to humbly pitch my own cost-conscious but otherwise winning idea for a new CBC television show.  Just take the entire 22 Minutes cast, sit 'em all around a table, give each of them a bottle of that complementary wine you tried to get us loaded on, start throwing topics out and then film the resulting hilarity.  I call it Funny People Sitting around a Table and Making Fun of Stuff.  Trust me, this idea is money.       

The most compelling evidence that his idea would work: the side-splitting improv served by the cast up when the cameras weren't rolling.  Mark Critch killed with his "Girls Night Out" diagnosis of the audience, which culminated in a breathy rendition of "Man, I Feel Like a Woman" by Shania Twain.  Shaun Majumder crankily poked holes in every skit and segment as his alter-ego "Captain Logic" asserted himself.  Cathy Jones charmed with her vaguely befuddled mutterings and confessed to an appreciation of all things "schmutz".      

Mark also spent many of the breaks mercilessly hounding one of the floor cameramen who'd worked on the quintessentially banal CBC television program Land & Sea.  The show was notorious for documenting the most mundane minutia that went on in rural and outport Newfoundland. 

"What didya like best?" Mark baited.  "Was it 'Land' or did you prefer 'Sea'?  My God, so many great episodes to choose from, heh, wah?  Hard to pick a favorite.  Was it 'The Cow is Sick'?  'Let's Paint The Shed'?  Or maybe 'It's Wet Outside, Let's Go In'?"

Since I'd tried (unsuccessfully) many times to watch Land & Sea as a youngster, I spent most of this time apoplectic with laughter.  I nearly asphyxiated when Mark's tormenting escalated:

"You must have been like a rock star when you were filming there, eh?"  Critch pursued.  "I imagine all the women were like: 'OoOoo, 'ee's from the CBC!'  There's probably an illegitimate, puffy-haired, headset-wearin' baby in every outport in Newfoundland thanks to you!"   

After the main show was wrapped, the cast was kind enough to treat us to a few bonus skits.  First off, Susan Kent and Cathy Jones did a side-splitting deconstruction of Valentine's Day (culminating in HalifACT-or and birthday girl Helen Corkum receiving a rose from Shaun Majumder).  Then Mark Critch interviewed Meredith MacNeill as a tightly wound, anti-spanking crusader and Cathy Jones as a twitchy, destructive, Tourette's-prone witness for the defense.  It not hard to tell that sketch comedy is Cathy's arena.  She was pure, inspired genius.

Shaun and Mark were kind enough to hang around with us after the show.  They patiently let themselves be pawed at by the adoring masses and photographed like exotic wildlife.  I, for one, couldn't let an opportunity go by without praising Mark for his spot-on impersonation of bionically eye-browed political contrarian / walking thesaurus Rex Murphy.

Here's the real Rex:


And Mark's spot-on take:

This Hour Has 22 Minutes - Rex Murphy On Queen's Diamond Jubilee

Despite being under the weather, Shaun was a gracious host, shaking hands with everyone and chatting amicably.  If you're not familiar with his work, you need to rectify that post haste.  As someone who spent their formative years growing up in Newfoundland, I'm a really easy mark for stand-up bits like the following.

(WARNING: not suitable for work.  ALSO: funny as shit)


There's a reason why such a disproportionate amount of Canadians (and an even more disproportionate amount of Newfoundlanders) have achieved international success as comedians.  They're genuinely funny, self-depreciating, sharp, charismatic and approachable.

For me, this wasn't just a simple television show taping.  Newfoundland has a long, proud tradition of sketch comedy.  Back in 1980, our provincial network NTV started broadcasting a variety show featuring the Wonderful Grand Band.  For three years they kept the entire population of the province entertained with their unique blend of music and skits.  In addition to launching the recording career of Ron Hynes, the comedy skits featuring Greg Malone and Tommy Sexton from CODCO soon became the stuff of local legend.

So influential was this show, that it inspired me and my two cousins Donna and Debbie to come up with a set of recurring characters and comedy bits centered around a fictional Newfoundland radio station.  We'd do them live at the drop of a hat for any relatives foolish enough to ask and then tape record it for posterity.

Eventually Donna (wisely) came to her senses and disowned the two of us.  Me and Deb tried to forge on as a duo for awhile but, like Donna, we eventually outgrew it.  A part of me still thinks I may have kept up with it if my school had offered any kind of drama class.  And I didn't have a crippling fear of strangers.

Long after WGB left the air, Greg Malone and Tommy Sexton were approached by the CBC to do a new show.  They assembled fellow troupers Cathy Jones, Mary Walsh and Andy Jones and, in 1987, CODCO began as a half-hour sketch comedy show following the wildly-popular Kids In The Hall.  Canadians nation-wide were finally exposed to our own unique blend of Newfoundland humor and merciless levels of parody.  Lord help them.

      

CODCO  packed it in 1992 but a year later This Hour became the default showcase for regional talent.  A  pastiche of SNL's Weekend Update, social and political commentary and traditional Newfoundland humor, the show came loaded to bear with a slew of crazy characters and inspired segments.  They included:

Mary Walsh as Marg Delahunty, "Princess Warrior"

Rick Mercer just Talking to Americans

Cathy Jones as the inhumanly wise Mrs. Enid

Greg Thomey as sad-sack politician Jerry Boyle

Gavin Crawford as acne-ridden teen Mark Jackson

Mark Critch as Newfoundland's delightfully gonzo ex-premier Danny Williams

Geri Hall as Avery Adams, Single Female Voter

and persistently moist Indian sports reporter Raj Binder

The names and faces may have changed on This Hour Has 22 Minutes over the past nineteen years, but the show remains true to its mission statement and continues to serve as a tremendous showcase for Newfoundland comedians. 

I just kick myself for not getting out to a taping of CODCO when I had the chance.  Idiot!    

EPIC:  Watch full episodes of This Hour Has 22 Minutes right here. 

EVEN MORE EPIC: Wonderful Grand Man! All smiles after a chance meeting with WGB / CODCO Comedy legend Greg Malone at his book signing at Keshen Goodman Public Library.

NO FAIL, JUST SAD:   We were all left considerably poorer by the premature departure of comedic genius Tommy Sexton. 

Why Don't You "Like" My Cat Video?

Hey, All Youze Social (Media) Butterflies.

In lieu of my discovery of Google + about a month ago, I haven't been on Facebook very much lately.  The TSN (Treasured Social Network) Turning Point occurred for me when I discovered the power of Google + Circles.  This happened a few weeks ago when someone I was following offered to share three-hundred people in his "Gaming" Circle with me.

Okay, lemme get this straight: if I agree to do this I'll immediately be connected with over three-hundred like-minded people who might actually be predisposed to what I'm writing about and (better yet) will post cool stuff that I have a vested interest in reading?  Hells yes, where do I sign up?     

Which brings me back to the Bookface.  Yeah, I still think it's a great tool to keep in touch with extended family members or people you hung around with in Grade Six.  But you also end up wading through a lot of posts and updates that end up revealing just how little you have in common with most of these people. 

And trust me, I know this road goes both ways.  I'm willing to wager that about 83% of my Facebook friends don't give a rat's ass that I just reviewed some dreadful Reefer Madness style T.V. movie about role-playing games.

So, I've come up with a little quiz just to save all of us a bit of time.  Without further ado here's:

DAVE'S "COME FOLLOW ME NOW" OR "DROP HIM LIKE HE'S HOT" SOCIAL MEDIA QUIZ

It's really simple, just record your answers to the following questions on a piece of scrap paper and use the handy-dandy scoring summary at the end to see where I rank.

Ready?  Okay, let's begin:

(1) Which of the following movies are you most predisposed to watch?

(A)  Battle Beyond the Stars  

(B)  Fight Club

(C)  The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

(D) Jack and Jill

(E) Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

(F) "None of them.  I really don't like movies."


(2) Of the following American political figures, who appeals to you the most? 

(A) Barack Obama
(B) Sarah Palin
(C) Ron Paul
(D) Mitt Romney
(E) Vermin Supreme
(E) John F. Kennedy
(G) "Huh?"

(3)  Who's the coolest vampire?

(A) Angel from Buffy the Vampire Slayer: 

(B) Count Orlok from Nosteratu:

(C) Edward Cullen in Twilight:

(D) Count Chocula from...um, breakfast: 

(E) David from The Lost Boys:

(F) Bela Lugosi from Dracula:

(G) "I honestly don't give a shit about vampires!"   


(4) Of the following contemporary Canadian politicians, who intrigues you the most? 

(A) John Baird
(B) Elizabeth May
(C) Steven Harper
(D) Justin Trudeau
(E)  Peter MacKay
(E)  Nycol Turmel 
(G) "The words 'intrigue' and 'Canadian politician' don't belong in the same sentence together." 

(5) What's your favorite table-top game amongst the following list?

(A) Trivial Pursuit 

(B) Risk

(C) Clue

(D) Dungeons & Dragons

(E) Settlers of Catan

(F) Monopoly 

(F) Memoir '44 

(G) "I really don't like those kind of games."

(6) The Facebook status update I enjoy the most is:

(A) "My six-year-old just learned how to smash atoms!"
(B) "Isn't this motivational poster incredibly clever?"
(C) "Hey, check out this cool / original / creative thing I just did!"
(D) "I need magical Monsterbane Arrows to protect the homestead! Don't leave me high and dry, bro!" 
(E)  Anything posted by George Takei.  
(F)  "My cat Mr. Tinkles learned to Riverdance...watch and be amazed!" 
(G) "I loathe Facebook."   

(7)  Pick your favorite band amongst the following options:

(A) Iron Maiden 

(B) Nickelback

(C) Rage Against The Machine

 

(D) Broken Social Scene

(E) The Ramones 

(F) Led Zeppelin 

(G) Rise Against

(H) "I really don't like that kind of music."

(8) Which of the following books are you most likely to read? 

(A) The Secret by Rhonda Byrne
(B) 1984 by George Orwell
(C) Dead Until Dark by Charlaine Harris
(D) The Eye of the World by Robert Jordan
(E) Trainspotting by Irvine Welsh
(F) "Does Guns & Ammo magazine count?"
(G) "I don't like to read."

(9) Which of the following television programs are you most likely to watch?

(A) The Wire

(B) Big Bang Theory

(C) Battlestar Galactica

(D) Battlestar Galactica

(E) Jersey Shore

(F) Toddlers & Tiaras

(G) "I really don't watch much television." 

(10) What is your favorite song amongst the following options:

(A)  "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" by Beyonce
(B)  "Dirty Bit" by The Black Eyed Peas
(C)  "The Lazy Song" by Bruno Mars
(D)  "Sexy & I Know It" by LMFAO
(E)  "Whip My Hair" by Willow Smith
(F)  "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt
(G)  "Friday" by Rebecca Black
(H)  "Red Solo Cup" by Toby Keith
(I)  "Heartbreaker" by Mariah Carey
(J)  "Are you f#@$*&^g kidding me?!?" 

***

SCORING

(1) A - 40 points, B - 50 points, C - 10 points, D - 0 points, E - 20 points, F - minus 10 points.

(2) A - 10 points, B - 0 points, C- 20 points, D - 0 points, E - 20 points, F - 40 points, G -
      minus 10 points.

(3) A - 20 points, B - 50 points, C - 0 points, D - 10 points,  E - 30 points, F - 40 points, G - 30 points.

(4) A - 0 points, B - 40 points, C- 0 points, D - 30 points, E - 0 points, F - 20 points, G - 10 points.

(5) A - 10 points, B - 20 points, C - 10 points, D - 50 points, E - 30 points, F - 0 points, G - 40 points,
      H - minus 10 points.

(6) A - 0 points, B - 0 points, C - 40 points, D - minus ten points, E - 30 points, F - 0 points, G -20
     points.

(7) A - 30 points, B - 0 points, C - 50 points, D - 40 points, E - 50 points, F - 40 points, G - 10 points,
      H - minus 10 points.

(8) A - 0 points, B - 50 points, C - 30 points, D- 20 points,  E- 40 points, F- 10 points, G - minus 10
      points.

(9) A- 50 points, B- 20 points, C - 40 points, D - 20 points, E - 0 points, F - minus ten points, G - 30
     points.

(10)  A to H - 0 points,  I - 30 points ( I know!  It's a sickness!), J - 40 points.

***

TOTALS

-70 to 0 points:  "Hello oil, my name is water!"  You might as well de-Friend me immediately.
1 to 100 points:  My posts will probably be as useful to you as a screen door on a submarine.
101-200 points:  50% of what I post you'll tolerate.  The other 50% will probably piss you off.
201-300 points:  Get to know me!!!
301-400 points:   Separated at birth.
401-500+ points:  To hell with social media, we should just move in together.  Hold on, I'll ask my wife if it's okay...

EPIC  It's more then okay to be Takei.

FAIL  If you recognize yourself in any of these, for the love of God, please stop.