Tuesday, May 18, 2010

How Douche Baggy Are You?

Have you ever harbored a secret fear that you may, in fact, be a douche bag?  Well, wonder no more!  Here's a quick and easy test you can take to determine your precise level of douche baggery:

Please record every "YES" response to the following questions:

(1)  Have you ever worn a pair of white sunglasses in public?
(2)  Do you own an outdoor grill the size of a space shuttle?
(3) If you ran over an economy car in your current vehicle of choice would it just get trapped up underneath your front wheel well and you likely wouldn't even notice? 
(4) Do you avoid wearing t-shirts because there's no collar to pop?
(5) Do you starch your collars for MAXIMUM POPPAGE?
(6) Have you ever taken more than four minutes of video at a concert?
(7) Have you ever sent or received a text during a sporting event or live performance?
(8) Is your hair filled with so much product that you would avoid getting blunt head trauma even if you acted as the stand-in forensics dummy on "Deadliest Warrior"? 
(9) Do you own one or more pit bulls because you feel a need to show dominance over a wild beast to compensate for your complete lack of a penis? 
(10) Do you own a bakers dozen wifebeater shirts?
(11) Have you ever caught your friends staring at you as you sent a text message during dinner at a restaurant?
(12) Have you worked out so much that you technically no longer posses a neck?
(13) Have you ever urinated on a public toilet seat and not cleaned it up?
(14) Have you baked in a tanning booth for so long that your complexion can now best be described as "RADIOACTIVE ORANGE"? 
(15) Have you ever answered a phone during a movie or live performance?
(16) Have you ever paid for a pack of "Altoids" with Interac?
(17) Have you ever felt the need to do your own running commentary during a movie?
(18) Do you consider facial hair a medium for creativity?
(19)  Have you ever loudly uttered the phrase "HOW ABOUT THIS HEAT?" in public.
(20)  Have you ever ordered a "double venti decaf half skinny caramel macchiatto extra hot with foam no whip triple blended"?
(21) Have you ever taken a photo of Justin Bieber to a hairstylist?
(22) Do you own a motorcycle that's so loud pedestrians lose control of their bodily functions when you pass by?
(23) Have you never worn a cap with the peak oriented towards the front of your head?
(24) Does every one of your "Facebook" profile photos feature you pouting like Ben Stiller in "Zoolander"?
(25) Does over half of your clothing feature prints of flames, dragons, wolves or wolves on fire fighting dragons?
(26) Have you ever killed an animal for sport?
(27) Do you routinely wear more jewelry than Mr. T?
(28) Do you have an unhealthy obsession with NASCAR?
(29) Do you habitually marinate yourself in "Axe" body spray?
(30) Have you watched more than one episode of "The Hills?"

Tally up all your "YES" responses and consult the chart below:

1-5 points: You have been guilty of mild doucheyness but can be rehabilitated.  There is hope. 
6-10 points:  You are a douche bag padawan learner.
11-15 points:  You are a neophyte douche bag. 
16-20 points:  You have been seriously  endoucheified. Beware!   
21-25 points: The extent of your douche baggery is critical.  Seek help before people shun you like a leper.
26-30 points: You are doucheiest bag that ever bagged a douche..  You are the alpha and omega of douche-dom.  You are officially a waste of space and should consider the benefits of self-immolation.  By fire. You like fire don't you?     

EPIC: http://scrapetv.com/News/News%20Pages/Science/pages-2/Scientists-make-breakthrough-in-discovery-of-the-Douchebag-gene-Scrape-TV-The-World-on-your-side.html

FAIL:  http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/

1 comment:

Mel260979 said...

LMAO!! I wonder if scoring between a 21-30 on this little test is a pre-requisite to applying at your former place of employment...that shall remain nameless. ;)

Of course, you and I were one of the few that managed to sneak in with a low score.